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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that most people are better parents the second time around?

39 replies

messyjessie · 11/02/2011 10:26

Not saying the first child isn't much loved and well cared for... But something of a practice run?

Do most people with the wisdom of thier first do things very differently with the second?

And even look back in their first and have some slight regrets?

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 11/02/2011 10:29

I think that a lot of people do things differently the second time around. I know that I was more relaxed with my second child. I have no regrets about the way I did things with either of them.

But I do think YABU to talk about 'better' parenting. Good parents just try their best not to screw it up. Learning from what we've done before doesn't make us 'better'. It just makes us different parents.

emsyj · 11/02/2011 10:33

I plan to be Mummy Ultimo next time. But no doubt will just end up making a whole shiny new set of mistakes. Such is life.

DrNortherner · 11/02/2011 10:35

I have 1 child, a boy aged 8. Am I a crap mum then?

maxpower · 11/02/2011 10:35

I think I did a pretty good job first time round - now I'm trying to remember what exactly it was that I did so that I get things right with DC2!

KnittedBreast · 11/02/2011 10:36

yes i wish i done things differntly with my first, quite regret it actually. i make it up to him now!

annapolly · 11/02/2011 10:52

I had my first and in retrospect thought some things should have been done differently.

I had my second and those things didn't apply as although another DD a completely different child.

The only thing I changed is buying less paraphernalia to cart around.

SardineQueen · 11/02/2011 10:56

I have a 3.5yo and an 18mo and would say that my 3.5yo had a better "mummy" than the 18mo as this time round, with two, I am worn out and short tempered. Whereas when it was just DD1 we used to do a lot of nice stuff and I had loads of patience.

So no, I disagree.

controlpantsandgladrags · 11/02/2011 11:40

I think better is the wrong word. I'm not a better mum second time around.......I'm certainly more relaxed and less anxious about every little thing. Second time around has been a very different experience than first time for me, I don't think I was a bad mum to DD1 though.

Booandpops · 11/02/2011 11:45

I'm more experienced now and more relaxed. I Also have now realised how quick they grow so appreciate the early years much more. With dd1 I was always in a hurry to move to the next stage. With ds2 I'm more reLaxed to let him go aT his own pace.

I would not say better tho as I did more one to one things with dd1 that ds2 hasn't had so much It's just different now but they are both happy sociable kids.

Quenelle · 11/02/2011 12:08

I really want to have another go at it. I don't think I've been a bad parent but there are things I think I would be so much better at if given another chance.

Lawm01 · 11/02/2011 12:12

My emotional reaction is the same as DrNortherner. As I only have (and will ever have) one, does that make me a rubbish Mum?

Of course, I know that's not what you meant,and rationally I know that I would have done things differently (better?) with a second child.

But the title of your thread comes across quite harsh to Mums with only one child.

coldtits · 11/02/2011 12:15

No, I think I was a worse one.

With ds1, he had all my attention, I was in a double income relationship, and he came first in all I did.

With ds2, I was unemployed, single by the time he was 1, and Ds1 had shown some very difficult behavioral problems eventually diagnosed as ADHD, Autism and SPD.

Ds2 has taken a back burner to these stressors all his life. I have tried my damnedest to make it up to him, but the truth is he had NEVER had as much attention as ds1 because ds1 needs it more.

So ds2 is VERY attention seeking (unsurprisingly)

cantspel · 11/02/2011 12:18

I bought loads of useless crap with the first, boxes of lotions and potions i new used, baby bath that just took up to much room hanging over the bath, bouncers and slings that never saw the light of day, so many outfits that looked cute on the hangers but were not at all pratical and just about ever baby magazine published.
With the second 18 months later i just poped him in the sink for washing, left him in babygrows all day long and was generally a lot more relaxed about the whole thing.
But i doubt i was any better a parent if anything i was more lazy and a bit slap dash.

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:19

YABU - second child wears handmedowns and eats fishfingers for the first four years.

lexxity · 11/02/2011 12:21

No I don't think I'm better second around, more relaxed certainly. The reason i don't think I'm better is that I still encounter first time situations and decisions. It's a constant learning curve.

MissFit · 11/02/2011 12:23

I was extremely relaxed the 1st time. I think a did pretty well actually.

If I have a second child it will definitely be a PSB (precious second born) and I will probably be extremely anxious. That would be due to 3 years + of secondary infertility though.

Restrainedrabbit · 11/02/2011 12:24

Hmmm.... I make different mistakes (got 3DCS!), wouldn't say I'm 'better' but more relaxed but also more slovenly

Restrainedrabbit · 11/02/2011 12:26

Would agree that I was more patient with just one and notice now that those with just one child seem less frazzled and have more and 'better' quality time - do more fun things. Whereas I spend too much time just doing essential tasks.

halfcaff · 11/02/2011 12:26

I certainly enjoyed ds (dc2) more than dd (dc1) in the early days, partly as I knew what to expect, partly because I think he was just an easier baby (fed better, slept better, cried less!) I have not been a better mummy to him, I am absolutely sure of it. Dd had me to herself for nearly 5 years and I could never offer that to ds. Also I went back to work when he was 8mths as I knew I was having no more dc so took the opportunity when it came up to start building a 'career' (ha!) I think he had a much more tired, stressed mummy in general.
There are loads of new issues as they get older which you never get with the first one, notably sibling rivalry, and this will change, as will the whole family dynamic, as more children come along.

Changing2011 · 11/02/2011 12:27

MissFit - I used to worry about not loving another child as much as DD but due to my own 2 years of secindary infertility I think if we have another DC we will cherish it as we waited so long!

Callisto · 11/02/2011 12:27

I think lots of second and third children get much more neglected than the first born, so I think the opposite to you OP. I only have one child who I am a great mother to and I have no regrets about how I've raised her so far.

Aitch · 11/02/2011 12:30

agree with callisto. i was never neurotic with the first, and she was an easy baby, so it was all great fun. with the second, i think she gets less of me because i have her sister to look after as well. having said that, she does gain in that she gets to have a sister to worship, so she's not losing out markedly.

mamatomany · 11/02/2011 12:33

Nope i've made some shocking errors with DD3 due to being exhausted and tied up with my PFB, number 2 not so too bad and DS is like PFB again due to huge age gap but if i had my time again i'd do a lot differently with 2 & 3.

systemsaddict · 11/02/2011 12:34

I knew I had made lots of mistakes with my first, so vowed not to do them again second time round. Especially with sleep. Having gone through terrible sleep difficulties with the first, the second was going to be put down awake from day one, and would know that her cot was for sleeping and nowhere else.....she's now 2 and a half and still co-sleeping pretty regularly now!

It's one thing knowing about your 'mistakes' and a whole nother thing not repeating them!

AliGrylls · 11/02/2011 12:35

I think I am worse second time round. I have less time for both and with DS1 I was so enthusiastic.

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