Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

half term, playdates, days off work and other peoples children. AIBU.

45 replies

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 09:55

Its the first half term soon.
I work, but have booked 3 days off, so im off the monday, tues and wed. My mum( who also works) has taken the thur and fri off.
there is a PD day on the following monday, for which i was going to send DD to the childminders for.

DD is sort of friends with this little girl who we only know becuase we both walk out dogs in the same park. I dont really like her or her mum, but, you know how it is.

Ive had the little girl round once or twice on my day off to help the mum out when shes working.

She caught me at the school gates yesterday and asked if i could have her DD on the tuesday for her, as a favor ( bearing in mind, im using my own holiday time, she doesnt want to take holiday then) i said, yes, i could, and what has she arraged for the PD day, so could she have my DD in return. She said she was off that day, but wasnt sure.. then said she supposed she could.

So - firstly im a bit narked that she wanted me to have her DD but didnt want to have mine back.

Then she said did i want to do anything with them on the other days. i said i didnt think so , as i only had 3 days off and one of them i would be having her DD anyway.

so - am i being a grumpy cow? Or was she being a bit cheeky? or - is this just how it is?

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 11/02/2011 09:57

She was being bloody cheeky. Unless your DD is desperate for someone to play with, I think I'd probably cancel the one you arranged.

zikes · 11/02/2011 10:00

Well she's agreed to have your child, so she is reciprocating, isn't she? Maybe not with wild enthusiasm, but she's doing it?

I'm not sure what the complaint is. Maybe she was slow to agree because she wasn't sure what her hours were or couldn't remember if she had anything else on?

Greeninkmama · 11/02/2011 10:00

Yes - send her a text saying you had forgotten you'd arranged to do blah blah, so won't be able to have her DD after all. Do it quick!

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 11/02/2011 10:00

sounds like it worked out OK for you though - you are now swapping a day each?? or did I miss something?

FabbyChic · 11/02/2011 10:05

She was being cheeky, she asked you a favour you said yes, the polite thing to do would be to have your daugther on the PD day.

potplant · 11/02/2011 10:05

She asked for a favour and you agreed. You asked for her to return the favour and she agreed.

Mine usually have a social whirl during the holidays so I would also take a minute to think what they are doing on any given day.

Not sure what your problem is?

Original poster
grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:06

it worked out ok, but only becuase i pushed it.

i just feel a bit put on that shes wants me to have her DD ( who has behavioural problems and is on daily school reports and cuts peoples hair and clothes with sissors)
but was relectant to return the favor.

But then asked if i wanted to do anything else with her in half term. No I DO NOT.
ive got her child for a day, one whole day of my limited 20 days holiday per year.
And she pulled a face when i said we already had plans the monday and wed ( my only other days off) and DD is with her dad the weekends either side.

OP posts:
thumbdabwitch · 11/02/2011 10:08

sounds like she wasn't looking forward to having her own DD one-on-one, and was hoping to offload her as much as possible; so having to have not only her own DD but another child as well would have put a spanner in that.

YANBU to think she has some cheek; but at least you stood up for yourself and got your counter-request in quick. Don't be surprised if "something comes up" and she can't do it though.

AMumInScotland · 11/02/2011 10:08

It sounds like she has a need for some childcare cover for her dd and though you might be willing/able to help out. If you're already struggling and having to take leave, then it's fair enough to say "Look, I could do X if you could do Y, that way we both get some cover" making it clear to her how you want/need to approach this. You may need to be very clear to her that you need it to be a reciprocal arrangement and it can't just be "as a favour" because you are finding it hard enough yourself.

I don't think its cheeky of her to ask, if she doesn't know your work committments. But equally it's not cheeky of you to make it clear that you can only do it on that basis.

Starbear · 11/02/2011 10:11

Is your DD going to a PD at her house now?
If so call it quits. Now you've learnt a lesson. When someone asks what your doing at half-term I answer the following Not sure yet! So what were you thinking? Then I say well it depends if DH has sometime off and we might visit family still not set in stone. Then you can find out what the other person has up their sheelve. Bingo then you go home and figure if you want what they have planned or not.
I have to say I have been caught out in different ways in the past Blush
Now off to do something useful

Original poster
grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:12

well. i just thought if im going to help her out, then she can help me out too.
I had arranged for the childminder to have her.. so it made no difference to me.

Plus, i work too, and ive only got 3 of the 6 days off. DD has only just started school and is tired. Im hoping to have one of those days at home in pjs doing nothing and then have something nice planned for the other afternoon.. and then DD is going to my mums for 2 days ( and overnight) Which, i think is more than enough, i certainaly dont plan to have all half terms and holidays filled chock a block with activities. Or is this naieve of me?

OP posts:
zikes · 11/02/2011 10:12

Well, since you seem able to resist her pressure to do more than you want to and she will have your child on occasion, I'd just keep my hat on any resentment you have of her desire to get you to do more than your share.

It's always useful to have someone who can babysit and you're strong enough to make sure it's reciprocal.

Starbear · 11/02/2011 10:13

X-post. Good luck Smile

CointreauVersial · 11/02/2011 10:18

If you can find someone you can "swap days" with, it's very handy. My friend and I work part-time, but have different days off, so we swap kids for a few days every holiday and it really helps. But then our kids are all friends so it's no bother.

But it does have to be reciprocal, or one of you is taking advantage. Most of us will always help someone out as a one-off, but if it becomes a habit it's a pain.

Have you got any holiday clubs near you? One of the local schools here does one at half-term, 9am-5.30pm and it's great for a day or two if you don't want to take the whole week off.

Original poster
grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:18

she knows my working arragements. she also knows im a lone parent and am pushed for time and she also knows i have a back up of a holiday time only childminder, becuase i got off my backside and found one rather than having to keep asking people all the time. ( plus consistant care for DD.. ive only taken some holiday this time as its the first half term ever and i think she needs a few days at home)

AND, ive got another mum who ive only just met ( again, only started school in jan) who already has called me to pick her DD up from school as she was 1) waiting for a phone call, 2) had a headache. She lives on the same road, its not a problem. but she doesnt work, and i do, and i get home and literally have to run down the road to make the school gates.
She rung me at 8.10 this morning asking if i could take her Dd to school as she had another headache. I said i woulnt mind, except i have to get to work and use the school breakfast club, and i leave at 8.15. and the school doesnt go in until 8.50. she made me feel really bad that i couldnt do it, but i would have been late for work if i had.
Are people always so cheeky?? and shes only got a headache.. she lives 5 mins walk from the school

god - i am a grump today. i just think people take the piss.

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:20

ive got a holiday time contract with a childminder in the next road, and there is also the school holiday club. i dont have to worry about it.
I dont mind helping out, but only if its a two way thing. I think she was a bit stumped when i asked back. But otherwise, its not fair.

OP posts:
MangoTango · 11/02/2011 10:24

How does your dd feel about spending 2 days of her holiday with a child and mum you don't like and who has behavioural problems and cuts peoples hair and clothes with scissors?

bubbleOseven · 11/02/2011 10:25

Never ever ever answer your phone before the school run in the mornings.

I can absolutely guarantee that someone is not ringing up to make your life easier at that time of day.

maxpower · 11/02/2011 10:31

grumpy the mums you've described would have pissed me off as well. YANBU

Original poster
grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:32

DD likes her Confused
you cant pick your childrens friends can you.
And while i would rather she wasnt friends with her, she is, and im not mean enough ( and i dont think its the right thing to do) to say, DD, no, you cant be her friend as shes not 'nice'. DD needs to learn for herself.

DD does think she is naughty though, and just comes home and tells me.
The mum is harmless. i just have nothing in common with her at all.

OP posts:
onimolap · 11/02/2011 10:34

I think "child swopping" is a good solution to working parents half term problems. But it should be done fairly, reciprocally, and with an appreciation of the size of favour it is.

AMumInScotland · 11/02/2011 10:37

I guess there are people in life who arrange childminders as backup, and people who rely on asking others for favours.

There is a huge currency around the school gate of "favours" - some people will do this in a way which is mutually beneficial, some people will try to take the piss. You're all quite new to school, so there is presumably a fair amount of "trying it out" when it comes to trying to make arrangements, where people are trying to find someone they can make a reciprocal arrangement with, or trying to find out who they can get to help them out for free.

So - don't be surprised that this is happening, but decide what you are prepared to do, and what you expect in exchange, and be a "tough negotiator" to make sure you end up getting what you need out of these arrangements.

And if you don't actually need anything, decdie what you are prepared to do for "free", and set a clear limit where you need/want to put it.

Original poster
grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:41

lesson learnt re: answering the phone in the morning. shall never do it again.
:)

I sound really grumpy, i know i do, and i dont mind helping people out, but not when they take the piss

OP posts:
Original poster
grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:46

muminscotland - that is good advice. i didnt think of it like that.

I wouildnt dream of asking anyone to help me out, ive arranged back up, but if someones going to ask me, then they can do something in return. ( unless of course, its a general emergency)
I think the headache mum is seeing what she can get people to do for her for free. I needed to go into town the other week and she said she was going too, ( i was planning on a quick trip in) i offered her a lift in, thinking she would go off and do her own thing, i could do mine and the she would make her own way home ( it is walking distance and there are busses every 10 mins) instead she came with me everywhere, and then asked if i could help her with her bits and could i give her a lift home. So my quick one hour in town turned into half a day, and then this was the day she called me to pick her DD up from school too.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 11/02/2011 10:48

Have you paid you CM? If you really don't want to do it cancel. Tho it sounds like your dd will have a nice play day. You present yourself as someone who can spot the pisstakers and make sure they don't give you any crap (wtf with headache mum - she's a pita!), but you feel bad about it. You need to reassure yourself you've done the right thing, set boundaries, ask for reciprocal help etc. Grumping on here is a good way to go.

Btw- make sure that mum knows she's def looking after your dd on the PD day, check with her, if necessary say you've got to free up your CM.