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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

half term, playdates, days off work and other peoples children. AIBU.

45 replies

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 09:55

Its the first half term soon.
I work, but have booked 3 days off, so im off the monday, tues and wed. My mum( who also works) has taken the thur and fri off.
there is a PD day on the following monday, for which i was going to send DD to the childminders for.

DD is sort of friends with this little girl who we only know becuase we both walk out dogs in the same park. I dont really like her or her mum, but, you know how it is.

Ive had the little girl round once or twice on my day off to help the mum out when shes working.

She caught me at the school gates yesterday and asked if i could have her DD on the tuesday for her, as a favor ( bearing in mind, im using my own holiday time, she doesnt want to take holiday then) i said, yes, i could, and what has she arraged for the PD day, so could she have my DD in return. She said she was off that day, but wasnt sure.. then said she supposed she could.

So - firstly im a bit narked that she wanted me to have her DD but didnt want to have mine back.

Then she said did i want to do anything with them on the other days. i said i didnt think so , as i only had 3 days off and one of them i would be having her DD anyway.

so - am i being a grumpy cow? Or was she being a bit cheeky? or - is this just how it is?

OP posts:

Original poster

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 10:58

ive not paid the CM as yet. Its a holiday contract, but she said she will only charge me for what i use ( How bloody lukcy i am to have found her.. and she is literally 2 mins walk away)

Ha- i do feel bad. I like to help people.. im a nice person :) but then i think ' hang on a sec, your taking the piss'

Also a little bit thrown by the whole school gate thing, someone really needs to do some kind of user guide for parents. Who to spot, what to look out for etc... its a bloody minefield!! lol

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 11:05

You need to put your foot down with "headache mum" ASAP!

She sounds like a total scrounger and will have you doing as much as she can. Do you have caller display? Dont answer to her and dont offer any more lifts!

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 11:09

Oh and thinking about her, you DONT need to explain why you cant do something (the breakfast club thing). Someone mentioned on the birthday party pisstake thread that if you offer reasons why you cant do something, a person like this will solve the problem. Just an "oh, I'm afraid I cant. Got to rush, bye!" You dont owe them an explaination as to why you cant do them a favour, you just cant, end of!

Greeninkmama · 11/02/2011 11:33

Follow Phoebe in Friends - she once said 'Oh sorry, I would love to help, but I just don't want to!'

Original poster

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 11:46

does anyone have a link to the party pisstake thread? i cant find it?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 11:57

here

Its long but worth reading!

Decorhate · 11/02/2011 12:00

Some people are funny about paying for childcare I find. I know someone who has always worked full-time but generally relies on favours from family & friends for school drop-offs & pick-ups, instead of using a childminder, breakfast club or after-school club.

That would drive me nuts, always having to juggle things about. I'm sure she would say it's because childcare is expensive but at the same time she doesn't have a problem paying for a 2/3 week sun holiday every August which costs £££.

Different priorities for different folks I guess.

I would only ask a childcare favour of a friend if it was an emergency or we had a reciprocal arrangement...

Original poster

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 12:10

hence why i use the breakfast club. One or two mums have said ' oh, just drop her here and we will walk down with her' because i only drop her off at the breakfast club 20 mins before school starts.
But i wont, one because they will probably tire of it, and two becuase i need something reliable and safe, and id rather not put people out. im unable to return the favor in the same way and i dont think that is fair.
If i had known any of them for years or something, maybe its different, but i havent, so thats it.

I have tuesdays off. I shall not be wanting to have this other little girl over every tuesday in the holidays. Its not going to happen. I shall want to spend some time with my DD, or do thing etc...

OP posts:

Original poster

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 12:11

bogeyface - just read, thanks for that. I cant believe how cheey that is. Unbelieveable.
Totally unbelieveable, how do people think they are going to get away with behaving like that?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 11/02/2011 12:11

I hope you got some good tips for dealing with your "headache mum" from it!

It's shocking and rather illuminating isnt it?!

Original poster

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 12:17

yep.

I cant believe someone had the cheek to ask if they could do that, then cause a scene when she didnt get her own way. Shocking.

I think i need some boundaries with 'headache mum'
like the lift thing last week, i said i was going into town straight away, and if she wanted a lift in she could have one. She said, well, i need to get changed, ill come over in half an hour. i said ok. ( trying to be nice, but really had wanted to be almost back by then.) she didnt come over for 50 mins.

Lesson learnt. Dont offer lifts. or help. Only help if it works for me too ( or if i know they will help me out)
If i dont want to do it, just say no, with no further explination.

OP posts:

Decorhate · 11/02/2011 12:21

However, another way of looking at favours is that it can be useful to "bank" a few so you don't have any qualms asking for favours in return when you need them!

Decorhate · 11/02/2011 12:22

And that party thread is mad. The other woman sounds rough as a badgers as well as cheeky tbh! I would not be encouraging my child to be friends with hers!

Original poster

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 12:23

hmmm. which is good in theory, if you can actually get the other person to return them.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 11/02/2011 12:26

You definitely need to decide your boundaries with people like that, but its easy to start off "being helpful" because that's our default, and then feeling bad about having to rein them in later when we realise they're taking the piss. Another time, you'll know about the lifts - you'll either not do it at all, or say "No I'm off just now", and make it clear "I can drop you off in town but you'll have to make your own way back". But you don't go through life thinking that you have to be like that with people, till after you have a bad experience with them.

AMumInScotland · 11/02/2011 12:31

I tend to think it's nice to do a few favours when you can, not just so you can call them in later but just because it's a good thing to do. But only when you can do them without feeling resentful about the one-sidedness. If it's putting you out badly, then you need to know you can count on them to help you back, or that they had a genuine emergency where of course you don't expect any more than to help someone in need.

Original poster

grumpymcgrump · 11/02/2011 12:34

ha. i shall not offer lifts again.
I think i sort of come at it from a ' treat others how you would like to be treated' kind of thing. Which leaves me a bit unstuck when other people dont come at it from the same angle. ifswim.
Im also rubbish at boundaires. But clearly need to get better at them, or not feel bad when i put them into action, like the half term swap days thing. If i hadnt of said that i would have just had her child for a day and got nothing out of it myself. and just been really pissed off.

OP posts:

sloggies · 11/02/2011 18:49

Grumpy, is it possible your were more annoyed with 'headached mum' than 'dd friend's mum', but she was the final straw iuswim...

onthepier · 11/02/2011 19:35

It's difficult isn't it! I struggle with boundaries too. Once a week in school hols I look after my friend's two children who are friends with our two but can be VERY demanding, (I don't think their mum realises how demanding!)

Anyway, there's an agreed time for her to pick them up, (I have them from 8.30 until 3 and provide lunch too!) As we only live a road away she tends to come round when she's back from work, asks how they've been and often says "Oh they all look very happy, isn't it lovely how well they play, just send them back when you've had enough!" Last time she did that I still hadn't managed to get them to go home at 5 o'clock!

After constant refusals to put their shoes on I phoned their mum saying I had things to do and need to send them home. She just sounded surprised and said "Well just send them back like I said! You didn't have to have them all day, only until 3!" as if I was being a bit dim! I was hoping this would be a hint for her to come and pick them up but she didn't, so I finally got them out the door at 6.30. If that's not pushing the bondaries I don't know what is, and I don't think I even got a thank you that day, from her or her kids!

verytellytubby · 11/02/2011 19:38

Headache mum needs nipping in the bud. Other mum could be useful.

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