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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion...

79 replies

AliBean · 10/02/2011 22:36

My friends CM had a date on Saturday with a man she met online 2 weeks ago. He was still there on Monday when she dropped her DS off in the morning, but she had to go to work and reluctantly left her DS as normal and went to work feeling very uncomfortable. She rang the CM later to tell her she was not happy with the situ and CM said "he is not around the children, he is upstairs and won't be left alone with them. You have to trust me to look after your son"...
My friend was/is livid as this man is a total unknown and her attitude was so dismissive.
Today she received a letter from CM cancelling their contract and terminating her DS's care with 4 weeks notice. She is supposed to pay the fees for the next 4 weeks and although he can attend, she doesn't want him too go (understandably!). 2 other friends who also use her are removing their DDs and are going public with their opinions. I am Parent Representative for the Childrens Centre and have been asked to pass on their views and request that her business card and profile is removed from the notice board until their complaints to OFSTED are dealt with...
Is this reaction reasonable? I think it is and will obviously represent the views of the parents to the CC but I also would like to know whether the wider world of parents think this is a reasonable course of action in this situation?

OP posts:
2cats2many · 10/02/2011 22:41

Well, I certainly wouldn't have been happy to leave my child with ank unknown male in the house. I don't use a childminder, bur would have thought that the childminder's house is a place of work for the registered hours and not somewhere that any person can tip up and hang out for the day.

I am interested to know if there is something else going on here tho'. It seems like the 'nuclear' button has been pushed over one issue. Have thee been other causes of complaint?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/02/2011 22:45

What are the rules on this? Is it something that she could lose her registration (is that what happens?) over?

I can see why parents are unhappy. Some parents worry about things like that and have anxieties about unknown men that can sometimes tip over into irrational anxieties. I can also see her point that he is not alone with the children and she should be trusted to not put the children in danger.

And childminders, I assume, have relationships? partners? what are the rules on that? At what point can a childminder have a man move in with her? What about men in the house? husband/partner? sons? do they have to submit to checks or anything?

I think that all you can do is go with whatever legislation exists on men in the house. If it exists. Does it?

kitty4paws · 10/02/2011 22:48

But the CM might have a workman round ( not left alone with the mindees of course) would you object to that ??

Or a friend might call round

I "think" Cmonlyhave to have CRB on regualar visitors.

Original poster
AliBean · 10/02/2011 22:59

2cats - The man had come home with the CM after first date in city over an hour away on Saturday and was still there Monday morning. He was still there on Monday afternoon when another client of CM and I saw him walking with the CM and 2 mindees to school to pick up her other charge. The friend I was with was a bit Hmm about seeing her with mindees and a strange man and said she was going to check who he was before leaving her DD there on Wednesday.
Hecate - yes there are rules on what can be done within the "setting" and males (and females) who live in the house have to have a CRB and are not left alone with the children.
The CM is normally very hot on it being a proper "business" and parents sticking to her terms - i.e. paying her when on annual leave, giving 6 weeks notice if child won't attend a session or be charged, sending child home at merest hint of snot or sniffle...but seems to think that having a random internet pick-up in her home for the whole day is acceptable within the realms of her business....Hmm
Kitty - workmen sign the visitors book, are not left with children and are concentrating on the job they are undertaking (you would hope...) This guy was there on an extended first date!

OP posts:
BoobyMcLeaky · 10/02/2011 23:04

I wouldn't be happy to leave my child in the company of someone I didn't know, or someone who was behaving unprofessionally (having some random in your house with the mindee's is unprofessional). Having said that, he probably isn't anything dodgy, it would still make me uncomfortable though.

2cats2many · 10/02/2011 23:08

I totally get the difference between a workman being at the childminder's house and a random first date hanging around.

Like I said, I wouldn't be happy about it.

reelingintheyears · 10/02/2011 23:11

Don't CM's DHs/DPs have to be CRB checked?

Original poster
AliBean · 10/02/2011 23:13

He is probably totally fine and would be mortified that his presence has caused her business to implode.
But she has only known him online for two weeks and only in person since the weekend so how would she know it was safe to have him in her house at the same time as other peoples children?!
I wouldn't bring a relative strange man into my home with my DS there in those circs.
How can she justify it as a professional childminder?

OP posts:
Original poster
AliBean · 10/02/2011 23:14

*relatively

OP posts:
QueenStromba · 10/02/2011 23:15

The point is that this guy could be anyone - he might not have even given her his real name. For all anyone knows he specifically picked her because she is a child minder and it might give him access to children.
If this random bloke off the internet grabbed a kid then the police could waste a lot of time trying to figure out who he is and find a picture of what he actually looks like to circulate (nobody ever looks like their picture on dating websites). If a workman came to the house and grabbed a kid while she was in the loo there'd be a much better chance that the police could track him down quickly because they wouldn't have to waste time trying to figure out who he was. Even if a workman was a paedophile he'd be far less likely to grab a child because he would know that he'd be caught. Inviting this man into her home was a serious lapse in judgement and if I were in the position of the parents I wouldn't want her looking after my children and I wouldn't be paying for the four weeks either (I'd let her see me in court).

BoobyMcLeaky · 10/02/2011 23:18

QueenStromba I thought the same thing. I'm not generally someone who looks for paedophiles around every corner, but this would make me uncomfortable.

springbokdoc · 10/02/2011 23:35

I'm definitely normally a laid back 'no paedos on every street corner' type of person but really I would be fuming and completely understand the parents reactions.

First off she is breaking her conditions as all people living in the house are CRB checked. Second, it's more the attitude that would get me as if it's completelely unreasonable to worry about some random guy that sudden;y staying who you don't really know from adam. It would sort of make me question her as a CM in general.

I wouldn't pay her the four weeks and I'd be looking for alternatives sharpish.

Original poster
AliBean · 10/02/2011 23:43

What do you think about the childrens centre board? Its a small town and only 3-4 cm on the list so would be detrimental to her business. Is it a step to far? Or is it worse for the stories to do the rounds and cc t
o appear to be supporting her at worst or just not bothered at best?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/02/2011 23:46

Is the Child Minder not allowed a life? What would the consensus be if she had been seeing him outside the home for six months then he spent the weekend would that appease the ranks?

I think it is no ones business but the child minders, how do you know who she has in her home? If he had not have been there but turned up after would that have been acceptable?

I find the situation laughable.

Having a boyfriend does not make the Child Minder no longer a responsible adult.

QueenStromba · 10/02/2011 23:53

Seeing someone for six months is a bit different to a random bloke she met on the internet two weeks ago!

Original poster
AliBean · 10/02/2011 23:54

I think if she had spent 6 months getting to know him that would have been much more responsible and adult than bringing him home when she had just met him.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 10/02/2011 23:54

But what if she had not told you how long or how he had met him? Its really none of anybodys business.

FabbyChic · 10/02/2011 23:55

My point is he may not even have been there and turned up after the children were dropped off thus no one ever knowing about him, the CM did not have to tell anybody where or how she met him but she did.

She is good enough to look after children in the eyes of the law so she must have some savvy.

Give the bird a break.

Thingumy · 10/02/2011 23:57

Serious question here-If you are a CM,does your dh/dp have to have a CRB check as he could be in the house with the children at any given time?

griphook · 10/02/2011 23:59

am really shocked that she would do this. Really unprofessional. You wouldn't take someone (male or female) to work with you to sit at you desk or in the staff room all day whilst you worked surely?

griphook · 11/02/2011 00:00

IIRC anyome over 14 and lives in the home has to be CRB checked

Original poster
AliBean · 11/02/2011 00:04

If he was a long term partner he would have crb check if he was a regular visitor to house. She would have got to know him and all that would entail and the parents would know she had taken the time to make sure (to the best that anyone can) that the guy is safe.
My friend found out he was there because she asked her cm how her date went and she put her finger to ber lip and said ssssshhh he is upstairs... on monday morning when she was dropping her DS off for the day!

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 11/02/2011 00:04

why didn't the mum trust the CM.

if i ever did have a CM i would have to trust her even if joe bloggs was in the house.

WinkyWinkola · 11/02/2011 00:06

Her home is her place of work in this case. She has to be CRB checked so should any other adults who are in the house around the child for that length of time. Otherwise, why bother CRB checking her at all?

She can't just have random people hanging around. It's unacceptable and unprofessional. She has to separate her private life from her working life.

YANBU.

AuntiePickleBottom · 11/02/2011 00:08

i bet the CM takes the child away from the home.

i would say the CM is in alot more control in her home with 1 stranger than going out in the big scary world

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