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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask your opinion...

79 replies

AliBean · 10/02/2011 22:36

My friends CM had a date on Saturday with a man she met online 2 weeks ago. He was still there on Monday when she dropped her DS off in the morning, but she had to go to work and reluctantly left her DS as normal and went to work feeling very uncomfortable. She rang the CM later to tell her she was not happy with the situ and CM said "he is not around the children, he is upstairs and won't be left alone with them. You have to trust me to look after your son"...
My friend was/is livid as this man is a total unknown and her attitude was so dismissive.
Today she received a letter from CM cancelling their contract and terminating her DS's care with 4 weeks notice. She is supposed to pay the fees for the next 4 weeks and although he can attend, she doesn't want him too go (understandably!). 2 other friends who also use her are removing their DDs and are going public with their opinions. I am Parent Representative for the Childrens Centre and have been asked to pass on their views and request that her business card and profile is removed from the notice board until their complaints to OFSTED are dealt with...
Is this reaction reasonable? I think it is and will obviously represent the views of the parents to the CC but I also would like to know whether the wider world of parents think this is a reasonable course of action in this situation?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 11/02/2011 00:08

I think it is wrong to ruin someone's career choice without at least contacting the CM and letting her have her say.

This is someones livlihood here we are talking about.

Thingumy · 11/02/2011 00:13

I think the CM is being a bit stupid.

If she had a date on the Saturday he could of left on the Sunday evening,it would of saved her a lot of fuss wouldn't it? She sounds preoccupied.

I'd be concerned that she is more interested in the new shag off the internet rather than looking after my child tbh.

AuntiePickleBottom · 11/02/2011 00:26

who says this man isn't a childminder or works with children

Original poster
AliBean · 11/02/2011 00:28

My friends point exactly... how can you concentrate on the children in your care when you are in sexy perfect first date mode? It wouldn't be acceptable in any other job!

OP posts:
Original poster
AliBean · 11/02/2011 00:34

I would say that bringing some guy you met on the internet home the first time you met him is a relatively stupid and reckless thing to do anyway. But that is no one elses business. Not having him leave before work begins on monday morning pretty silly and thoughtless but not understanding and appreciating the mums discomfort and going on the attack is utterly outrageous and unprofessional in the extreme

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 11/02/2011 00:52

imo, who asks to see a crb check before taking a child to a doctor, nurse, a&e ect.

we all take it in good faith that our child will be taking good care of.

as i said you have to trust your childminder to take care for your child

oksonowwhat · 11/02/2011 01:03

regarding the board thing, i would be inclinded to talk to her first. I would say what you are thinking about doing and ask her if this guy is willing to be crb checked. Give her all the facts about the concerns you have and see what she has to say?

Personally i wouldn't like my child with a cm who had a random guy there. I also thought husbands/partners had to be checked?

But give the woman a chance to sort this out.

BoobyMcLeaky · 11/02/2011 08:31

AuntiePickleBottom anyone who is working with children/ vulnerable adults will have had a CRB check. That includes doctors and nurses.

I do have to trust my CM to look after my child, I also have to trust my instincts if I think something is dodgy. At the very least she is behaving unprofessionally.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl · 11/02/2011 08:35

I think it shows her senses has gone out the window with her knickers .

longlistofthingstodo · 11/02/2011 08:42

If this man was a childminder himself or had a crb check then surely she would have said? She's not doing herself any favours. Of course she can have a life but needs to take her job a bit more seriously.

Tabliope · 11/02/2011 08:45

I think the CM's judgement is totally skewed over this - you don't leave a bloke you've just met upstairs in your bed while you're working - and I'd be questioning her judgement in other areas because of it. If he's not at his own work he shouldn't be at the CM's place of work, her home. It's doubtful to me that he'd be up there all day, without her either popping up for a chat, leaving the kids, taking tea up for him or him coming down. That's not what the mothers signed up for. The CM has also behaved in an irrational way, disliking being questioned and immediately terminating the contract - too volatile a personality imv to be working with kids. She's not taking her job seriously. With regards whether you should take her profile and business card down from the CC I'd say speak to Ofsted about it and get guidance from them. She's being stupid because word will get round and she won't get any other jobs. Work and love life don't mix - that's why people always say don't get involved with anyone at work.

camdancer · 11/02/2011 08:45

While I think the CM was absolutely in the wrong here, I don't think you can take her card off the noticeboard. It is up to prospective parents to check OFSTED and that should highlight that she has a complaint made against her. You can't be judge and jury for this just because of what you heard.

But what is she thinking? It's stupid enough to invite anyone back to your house on a first date anyway, but for him to be there when she was working is ridiculous.

BettyButterknife · 11/02/2011 08:49

I would leave the card up. If it's a small enough town, word will get around anyway and it's up to others to make their own judgement whether they would find it acceptable or not. Your friend doesn't, therefore she is changing her childcare arrangements (I wouldn't pay either).

FWIW, I think it's a serious error of judgement on the part of the CM - sounds like she got very giddy about this new man and it's clouded her judgement. I wouldn't be happy about it either. Feel a bit sorry for her if the relationship doesn't go any further as her business is taking a nosedive because of it. Perhaps she's been chronically lonely and desperate for a relationship. I'm tyring to think of it on a human-human level rather than a service-client one!

wolfhound · 11/02/2011 08:51

The CM was absolutely wrong here. Poor judgement and I would not leave my child with her again after that. Very irresponsible. I would do an official complaint through whatever the proper channels are (OFSTED?) but I would not start advertising what's happened/take her card off the board, just let the proper course of action take place. However, if I was friendly with other parents whose children she minds, I would mention it to them (I would want them to mention it to me.)

activate · 11/02/2011 08:51

Friend should write back and inform CM she is removing child with immediate effect due to gross misconduct: namely introducing an unknown person without appropriate CRB checks into the childminding environment.

She should state clearly that no fees will be paid and OFSTED will be informed

You should not and cannot do anything detrimental to her business on heresay because you don't know the details - so no - in your official capacity do nothing but in your personal capacity you can I assume spread whatever gossip you wish.

leave it to the paid organisations

saffy85 · 11/02/2011 09:07

I'm not uptight about this stuff- I don't believe every "strange" man I meet is a child molester... But I would be very put out by a total stranger being around my DC in these circumstances. The CM has shown a HUGE lapse of judgement imo.

Also I don't know what I'd be more upset about- the strange man hanging out with my kids (sounds like he was) or the CM's blaise attitude to this when she has most likely been trained to some degree about child abuse and how to spot the signs etc (My sister was for her childcare course).

controlpantsandgladrags · 11/02/2011 09:15

OFSTED should definitely be informed. DD1 used to go to a childminder, and every member of the CM's family as well as close friends who called in from time to time were CRB checked.

I would have removed my child too.

MrSpoc · 11/02/2011 09:16

Op you can not be serious. my friend is a CM and was for my son. NO ONE who is not left alone with the children need a CRB Check.

Yes she has only just met this guy, and i find it hard to understand how she is putting her new man before her business but that is her choice. She has done nothing wrong.

If you go a head with the notice board you could have loads of legal issues - you will be affecting her business, life, money with no proof of any wrong doing. It also comes across as petty.

Fabbychic is talking sense as usual. you should listen to her.

Bubblerapped · 11/02/2011 09:17

And what signs exactly should she have spotted here?

Suppose she had a cousin come to stay with her for a holiday?

Her private life is her own business and as it is her home, she also has the right to have people in her home.

Assuming she wasnt thinking of going out and leaving the children she looks after in the care of someone else, then I cant see what she has done that is wrong.

activate · 11/02/2011 09:21

she should have spotted the signs she spotted

a stranger off the internet known for 2 weeks and basically moving into the household WAAAH WAAAH WAAH

still there on monday when children are left, walking with them to school is gross miconduct AROOGAH

hope that helps

activate · 11/02/2011 09:22

anybody living in the house does need a CRB check though

MrSpoc · 11/02/2011 09:23

controlpantsandgladrags - i find it hard to belive that OFSTEAD asked for CRB's from the chilminders family. (They are not looking after the children and would have to pay an extertionate amount).

OFSTEAD do advise that any one living in the property that is to be used should have a CRB but they do not have to if they are not left unattended with the children.

MrSpoc · 11/02/2011 09:25

No they dont Activate. please can you point me to a source that backs that up.

It is only people who will be left alone with the children who need the CRB.

Granted OFSTEAD do recomend but they also say you do not have to.

saffy85 · 11/02/2011 09:28

bubblewrapped Sorry didn't make my point very well (fell down the stairs yday and still in lot of pain) I meant presumably the CM has had some sort of training wrt keeping children safe.

Like I said I don't think every stranger I see is a kiddy fiddler but this person is someone who the CM only knows from their internet profile and who she only met 48 hours or so previously. Basically she doesn't know him.

She wants to drop her knickers for a man she's just met? Fine. But don't be surprised if other people don't want this stranger hanging round their DC.

activate · 11/02/2011 09:30

here you go MrSpoc

when registering as a childminder anyone over 16 in the household needs a CRB check and ongoing you have a duty to ensure that continues

google any advice on childminding

here's the Bromley one the fist one that appeared in my google window

www.bromleycma.org.uk/become_a_minder.html