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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my dh to cool off his moral crusade?

36 replies

Spidermama · 10/02/2011 15:01

I'll try to be brief:

During ds's under-11s Sunday league football match in the park parents and coaches from the opposing team were violent and abusive to 'our' coaches and to the young teenage ref'. They rushed onto the pitch to shout abuse at him. They also fronted up chest to chest 'our' coaches shouting stuff.

Horrible, obviously.

DH told them off. It was all very heated. He kept on at them telling them it was unacceptable to behave like this. They threatened him (one of the wives was pulling his sleeve and shouting at him). Dh was never violent (he's just not violent) but was determined to stand his ground and try to sort out the situation using reason.

Now he wants to complain to the FA about the other team. 'Our' coaches won't complain and don't want him to because they want an easy life.

DH can't NOT complain, which I understand and support.

He's angry they've asked him not to and wants to change their minds.

This is really preoccupying him. It keeps him awake at nights. I think he should just make an independent complaint to the FA and leave it at that. He's insistent on trying to take 'our' coaches to task for not doing the right thing.

What are your thoughts?

Off to the dentist. Back soon.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 10/02/2011 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 10/02/2011 15:07

He obviously belives that it is the right thing to do.

Not sure what to say except try to make him understand that if the ref's do not want to get involved then he needs to respect thier decision.

But TBH the ref's need tov report it, what example are they setting to the kids if they do not>?

googietheegg · 10/02/2011 15:10

It's not for your DH to tell others to be offended/upset/angry, but if he is any of those things, he can complain in his name only

JBellingham · 10/02/2011 15:11

He should go with his conscience. If it is making him stay awake he should do what he thinks is right. I think moral courage is a good thing. What is the worst that can happen?

AgentZigzag · 10/02/2011 15:13

It sounds like it's really affected him.

Not just the unfairness of the situation, but the fact that he was threatened by the other teams supporters.

Perhaps the ref/coaches don't want to seem as though they can't control the situation to the FA?

I don't know anything at all about football, but I think shit like this shouldn't be put up with at all.

He should tell the FA, but maybe not take the ref to task, he's probably feeling bad enough as it is.

JamieLeeCurtis · 10/02/2011 15:14

I agree with your DH. The others are being spineless and that would piss me off mightily. It hardly sends a good message about football does it?

I'd feel disillusioned with the team, in his shoes.

I think he should complain on his own behalf. That will make him feel a bit better. Then he and your son need to decide whether they want to be associated with his team.

FakePlasticTrees · 10/02/2011 15:14

It could be your coaches don't want to complain as although your DH wasn't violent, they consider his behaviour to be also unacceptable, and therefore would rather drop the whole thing.

KurriKurri · 10/02/2011 15:20

I think he should complain in his name (In fact I think the coaches should back him up - but since they won't he should do it independently.)

I actually think that becoming violent and abusive at a children's football match is utterly disgraceful and shouldn't just be ignored for an easy life.

What would taking the coaches to task involve? - I don't think there's much harm in wanting to talk the matter over with them.

Sorry he's upset about the whole thing though _ I imagine he feels let down by the coaches.

Ormirian · 10/02/2011 15:22

I agree with him but he can't make them feel the same way. He should make a complaint independently.

senua · 10/02/2011 15:27

Easy solution: give up football and take up rugby instead. They are very keen on maintaining touchline behaviour.

Original poster
Spidermama · 10/02/2011 15:48

mrspoc "But TBH the ref's need to report it, what example are they setting to the kids if they do not?"

That's what DH thinks and whilst I totally agree and think the coaches should set an example. However, they want a quiet life and he can't force them to do the right thing.

I think you're all right. I'm proud of his moral rigour. His wish to complain is in line with the FA code of conduct.

Fake 'It could be your coaches don't want to complain as although your DH wasn't violent, they consider his behaviour to be also unacceptable'

I've put this to him and he's confident this can't be the case as he behaved utterly reasonably.

I think he's hurt because he has been so supportive to the team and, whilst he can't MAKE, them complain he's very pissed off that they have actually request that he doesn't either.

All the kids saw the horrible behaviour. DS came off after the match and said, 'Dad what will happen to that man now?' - meaning the violent maniac. How crap would it be for DH to turn round and say, 'Nothing as I'm too nervous to complain'. Angry

I just want to help him move on and stop him from going down the blind alley of trying to get support from the team. It's just he feels his complaint won't be taken as seriously without them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spidermama · 10/02/2011 15:48

Senua I agree. I can't imagine parents at Sunday league rugby behaving in this way. But DS loves football so what can you do?

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 10/02/2011 16:14

It's a really disappointing thing - a real shame that your DSs coaches etc want to brush it under the carpet. I thought football was trying to sort this sort of behaviour out?

I dislike football - and this is one of thereasons

Ingles2 · 10/02/2011 16:24

of course he should complain... I'm outraged that your club is not complaining actually.
I have also have an U11 who plays in the Kent FA, there's no way on earth our club would let this go. They are really hot on respect and behaviour. We quite regularly see crap behaviour, usually the boys being rude and name calling our boys (understandable, ours are the best Grin ) or the other side is rude to their own team, we always make note of it. In fact it has to be recorded on the match report.

MaryBS · 10/02/2011 16:29

He should complain. I'm not sure if he'd get anywhere regarding taking "your" coaches to task. But it is unacceptable and I'm not certain I'd want a child of mine exposed to such behaviour.

Antalya1 · 10/02/2011 16:39

Yep absolutely he should make a stand against this. After attending ten years of junior football games I have seen some shocking behaviour from other parents, managers, linesmen etc. and a couple got violent. The adults there should be setting an example to the boys/girls, hopefully by acceptable behaviour but by also showing that this type of behaviour is not condoned and there are consequences.

The last team that my youngest Ds played for had an excellant manager, when they did come up against bad behaviour from opposing teams then he would report this, as they all play in the same legues they will play them again, not suprisingly at the next matches they seem to have calmed down.

I can understand fully why he is upset and also think that really the ref isn't doing his job, or your DS's manager/trainer as they should be reporting this without any prompting from your DH.

mayorquimby · 10/02/2011 16:43

If I was him I'd complain and make it clear that in his opinion your sons club is ignoring the poor behaviour for the sake of a quiet life.
It's something that needs stamping out from the game.
I'd assume the ref has made a report also.

FabbyChic · 10/02/2011 16:43

He should complain also so should your son, help him draft the letter and send it for him.

mayorquimby · 10/02/2011 16:46

"Easy solution: give up football and take up rugby instead. They are very keen on maintaining touchline behaviour."

However they are happy to look the other way when it comes to eye-gouging and violent behaviour. SO swings and roundabouts.
FFS why does every thread concerning football attract rugby fans trying to take the moral high-ground on the superiority of their choosen sport.
As I've said on many threads before both sports have serious issues they need to sort out in their own games before they start criticising any other sport.

Original poster
Spidermama · 10/02/2011 16:49

A development:
Last night at training 'our' coaches and DH all chatted about what happened and were all in agreement about the events. However they asked DH NOT to complain.

Now DH has said to them he feels he must complain because this sort of behaviour in front of children must be punished, they have suddenly decided to disagree about events.

They are making out that the situation was inflamed by DH challenging the man who ran onto the pitch to abuse the ref.

DH literally just talked as calmly as he could to the maniac so as to protect the ref and the boys and 'our' coaches.

So now DH, the only person there with the balls to stand up against this disgraceful behaviour, is being cast as the bad guy because he won't let it lie.

DH was upset before. Now he's really upset. So am I. I've already emailed another team to see if they will trial DS because I have no confidence in these spineless enablers.

Poor DH. Sad I'm really sorry for him.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 10/02/2011 17:21

Your DH is a good man.

Original poster
Spidermama · 10/02/2011 17:28

Thanks JLC. Much appreciated.

I feel for him. He's really upset.

OP posts:
MaryBS · 10/02/2011 23:09

It isn't easy being the one who steps out from the crowd, all credit to your DH for doing so.

I hope he does follow through on the courage of his convictions.

sunnydelight · 11/02/2011 01:11

Go to the Argus and name and shame spider - they've run similar stories before - then find another team for DS. People who stand by and do nothing are colluding in bad behaviour as far as I am concerned so well done to your DH for standing his ground.

ccpccp · 11/02/2011 09:12

Sounds like your DH forced the coaches hands and they were finally honest with him on how they view the incident.

The maniac was bad but they clearly think your DH shouldnt have stepped in and should have left it to the ref to sort out.

Maybe that is why it is playing on your DH's mind, because deep down he suspects he may have caused more trouble than he prevented?

If they dont want it to be reported, then DH shouldnt report it, but he should also now consider whether contributing further time to the club is a good investment.