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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or perhaps old-fashioned to think that....

55 replies

BettyButterknife · 10/02/2011 13:34

... if you ask someone to watch your child for a whole day a little token of appreciation wouldn't go amiss?

Background: Friends from other side of the country had a funeral to go to and didn't want to take their 4 year old. They asked if I could have him. Bit of a pain for me as I wouldn't normally have my 3yo that day (only my 6mo) but I thought it would be weird for me to have friend's DS without mine in the house. So I rearranged to have my DS so he'd have someone to play with.

Thought it'd just be while they were at the service itself (totally understandable), but turns out they didn't want him at the wake either. I ended up providing 7 hours of childcare, including 2 meals!

Obviously I couldn't say no under the circumstances, and although knackering it was fine - my DS had a great time. I was just a bit surprised they didn't turn up to collect their DS at the end of the day with a bottle of wine or something to say thanks. That's what I would've done if the situation were reversed. AIBU?

OP posts:

KATC2010 · 10/02/2011 13:38

Betty I think you have done them a great favour in their time of need and maybe a gift would have been appropriate but perhaps it has slipped their mind with them being caught up in the emotion of the day?

Obviously I do not know the people involved so it is difficult to comment directly on whether or not they are the sort of people who take people for granted but it is possible that they had a lot on their minds and whilst they may otherwise have thanked you with a token gesture present on this occassion they have forgotten.

Maybe they will 'repay' you with some free childcare when you need some!

Serendippy · 10/02/2011 13:40

To your first sentence, I would say YANBU. But the circumstances are such that they will have had other things on their minds. So YABU in this instance.

Bubblerapped · 10/02/2011 13:41

If they were at a funeral, it probably wasnt even on their minds to get you a gift. I am assuming they said thankyou.

Not many people would want a 4yr old at a wake, they would want to have chats with people they havent seen for a while, and not have a child making noise, or needing attention, plus they probably also travelled straight from the service to the wake.

I wouldnt have been counting the meals or the hours to be honest, that sounds almost as if you feel like charging them rather than doing them a favour.

Never give to to receive.

Original poster

BettyButterknife · 10/02/2011 13:44

Thing is, this is the third time they've asked me to look after their DS. And under the circumstances I don't feel I could've said no (although very much felt like it as I'm exhausted and dealing with PND).

They come back to our city loads because all their family are here. We haven't been to their home town at all yet, although used to go and stay with them lots pre kids. So there won't be an obvious repaying of childcare any time soon!

I know, I know, I probably AB a bit U. I suppose I try to do as I would be done by, and in that situation I would definitely have given them something. Or at least sent a thank you text that evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

BettyButterknife · 10/02/2011 13:46

But DH often tells me I have quite old-fashioned views and high standards when it comes to manners/niceities!

OP posts:

VinegarTits · 10/02/2011 13:47

YABU they had been to a funeral, im sure they had other things on their minds than turning up with a gift for you

if you expect gifts/payment in return for a favour then i would say no next time

TallulahDoesTheHula · 10/02/2011 13:47

I would have expected a thank you, but not a gift under the circumstances.
If I had spent all day at a funeral then stopping off for gifts on the way home would be the last thing on my mind I would imagine. They would ahve just wanted to get their son and get home after a long emotional day.

thumbdabwitch · 10/02/2011 13:50

I think considering how long you had him, it would have been nice if they had brought you a little something - but funerals do tend to bugger people about emotionally so they probably did just forget this time. Presumably they did say thank you when they picked their DS up? I wouldn't have expected another thank you by text or phone after that.

Nothing wrong with old-fashioned views and high standards when it comes to manners - more people could do with them!

GandTiceandaslice · 10/02/2011 13:52

I personally wouldn't have been bothered to have gotten a gift, especially considering the circumstances.

girlywhirly · 10/02/2011 13:53

I think it was unreasonable of these friends not to give you an idea of how long they wanted you to look after their child, chances are they thought you'd say no to 7 hrs and 2 meals! I think it was ungrateful not to give something as a gesture of thanks. Assuming they didn't have far to travel to the funeral and back, I think they were taking advantage. I've never been to a funeral and wake that lasted 7 hrs.

Depends whether you want to upset the friendship by saying something, or whether they will do the same for you in the future. I doubt it myself. I wouldn't be doing them any more favours.

Honeybee79 · 10/02/2011 13:55

I think it's understandable that it slipped their mind, but agree that a small something would have been good.

Bubblerapped · 10/02/2011 13:55

I can easily see how it would take 7 hours.

Getting to the service, the service itself, hanging around outside afterwards, getting to the wake, and then 3 or 4 hours at the wake is about normal. Especially if it is family and you havent seen them for a while or dont live locally.

altinkum · 10/02/2011 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 10/02/2011 13:59

I agree. I would never ever ever not give a bunch of daffs/ bottle of wine etc. Even my family get wine for babysitting etc.

SmethwickBelle · 10/02/2011 14:00

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I very nearly arranged for a friend to watch our boys so we could attend a funeral recently. She's an au pair anyway but has a very busy schedule so she would have had to go to some trouble to accommodate us. We discussed the logistics and she would have done it for nothing she said, but in the event I stayed at home with the boys. Had she minded them (prob for the same sort of time) I absolutely would have given her some cold hard cash or vouchers for her trouble, not that she asked, just like I would have if I'd have been able to put them in the nursery for the day (which wasn't possible). I was prepared to bung her at least 30 quid and probably would have included a bottle of wine as well!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 10/02/2011 14:23

I think YABU - you are 'expecting' a gift and quite frankly, I find that rude.

It wouldn't occur to me to buy a friend a gift for doing me a favour and I would think something was up if one of them brought me something for doing them a favour.

and 2 meals - what's that about? He's a 4 year old child, eating with your 3 year old child - hardly a hardship was it?! Really?!

Having different expectations/manners does not make your expectations/manners better

If you don't want to do something say 'No' if you do it, then do it with good grace and not bad feeling for not having got a 'reward'.

Smeth - I think that's different as she's an Au Pair and had to arrange her work around it - a bit like if she was a hair dresser and had to re arrange a client to fit you in. Not the same as the OP's situation.

zeno · 10/02/2011 14:30

I have had friends mind my child for the duration of three family funerals and their wakes. It never crossed my mind to take a gift, but we were profuse with our thanks, and have looked after their children in times of need (or when they wanted some peace!)

Maybe I'm just badly brought up! It doesn't seem to have put my friends off me though, so it's obviously not bothered them.

Personally, I think it's a real drag to have to find some token gift, so we don't do it, but I guess it depends on what is the done thing in your area. Here we have a "favours" ecomony and it's very much a case of what goes around comes around. I'm grateful to have such a supportive bunch of mates.

Cazza72 · 10/02/2011 14:47

I have always had the view that if a favour isn't done willingly (ie. without expecting something for it!) - then I would rather it wasn't done at all! However, having said that if it had been me I probably would have brought a bunch of flowers or something as a thank you, but that is just me, and I would have done it because of wanted to, not because I felt I was obligated to if that makes sense? And I certainly wouldn't expect to be bought something if I was looking after one of my friends chidren for a favour. It's just what friends 'do' for each other!

BringOnTheGoat · 10/02/2011 14:53

YABU - your friends were at a funeral.

I find the 'provided 7 hours childcare and 2 meals' odd. It's like you're calculating the favour - totting up the bill. I have a friend who comments on others 'lack of gratitude' as they don't do it right - we're all different and act accordingly.

It's hard to cope with PND though - even normal things seem so difficult. Maybe you asked too much of yourself that day and are slightly resentful for that?

fedupofnamechanging · 10/02/2011 14:56

Is this to do with the fact that you have looked after their child on more than one occasion and are feeling taken for granted?

I don't think that people should have to buy friends a gift for helping out at a difficult time. They've gone to a funeral, not a fun day out and as a friend you should be willing to help if you can.

That doesn't mean though that you have to regularly look after their child, so they can do their own thing and if you are feeling put upon, then next time they ask, you ought to say that you have other plans and cannot help on this occasion. A friendship does have to go both ways - it can't be one person doing all the favours.

HerbWoman · 10/02/2011 14:56

Have to agree with the Cazza72, Zeno and Chipping - whenever I have done a favour for a friend, it always really surprises me and makes me feel a bit awkward when they buy a bottle or whatever. Just say thank you and be there if I ever need a favour. That's what friendship is all about, isn't it?

kerala · 10/02/2011 14:58

YANBU at all. Shockingly rude funeral or no funeral thats a big ask.

AnnieLobeseder · 10/02/2011 14:59

I wouldn't give friend a bottle for looking after my children. Nor would I expect a gift back. Friends help each other out. It's what friends do.

If you want recompense for looking after children, become a childminder.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 10/02/2011 15:33

I'm afraid that I decided you were being unreasonable at the point where you said that your standards were so much higher (and implied, better).

Expecting a present is rude, especially as these friends were at a funeral - a very emotional occasion.

If they had failed to say thankyou when they picked their ds up, then I would agree that they were being rude - but you have not said this so I assume they did thank you. Why, then, do you need a further thankyou text, or a present?

I do favours for friends because I am glad to be able to help them, not to prove how high my standards are, or to get free stuff! In fact, when I hosted our art class christmas party, and people brought me little gifts to say thank you for this, I was embarassed and didn't feel I deserved them (I provided the venue and we all contributed to a pot luck buffet).

MorticiaAddams · 10/02/2011 16:20

I'm the opposite and hate all this gift giving to say thank you. If I do a friend a favour, it's because I want to help them out.

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