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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or perhaps old-fashioned to think that....

55 replies

BettyButterknife · 10/02/2011 13:34

... if you ask someone to watch your child for a whole day a little token of appreciation wouldn't go amiss?

Background: Friends from other side of the country had a funeral to go to and didn't want to take their 4 year old. They asked if I could have him. Bit of a pain for me as I wouldn't normally have my 3yo that day (only my 6mo) but I thought it would be weird for me to have friend's DS without mine in the house. So I rearranged to have my DS so he'd have someone to play with.

Thought it'd just be while they were at the service itself (totally understandable), but turns out they didn't want him at the wake either. I ended up providing 7 hours of childcare, including 2 meals!

Obviously I couldn't say no under the circumstances, and although knackering it was fine - my DS had a great time. I was just a bit surprised they didn't turn up to collect their DS at the end of the day with a bottle of wine or something to say thanks. That's what I would've done if the situation were reversed. AIBU?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 10/02/2011 16:24

Of course one doesn't expect anything - that would be tres rude.

But one sort of does at the same time.

ConnorTraceptive · 10/02/2011 16:27

Dh comes from a real gift giving family and I really struggle with it. I'm happy to help friends and family whenever I can and truly appreciate it when they help me out. Not sure why that isn't enough.

I have on occasion bought thank you gifts like when mil had both dc's for two weeks whilst I was in hospital I felt I wanted to give her something.

chocolatchaud · 10/02/2011 16:27

Exactly Hully!

If it had been me, I would have taken a little thank you with me, sent a text later that day, and then a thank you card after a few days - but I am slighly over the top about these things!

I think you could expect them to forget to take something on the day, due to the circumstances, but a little thank you afterwards would be nice.

YANBU to feel disappointed - but keep it quiet!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 10/02/2011 17:32

Chocolatchaud - in the nicest possible way, I'd find you a very hard maintenance friend - your effusive thanks would put me off helping you and I'd never ask you to do me a favour - but we all find friends and relationships that work for us don't we

jenandberry · 10/02/2011 17:38

I think YABU and to be honest I do not think that expecting gifts in return for favours is a sign of good manners

lesley33 · 10/02/2011 17:50

I looked after a friends 3 children for a funeral. It didn't even occur to me that they might get me a present for this. They didn't and thats fine.

I think good friends help one another out.

jenandberry · 10/02/2011 17:55

I have a feeling this thread may be about to tip against you. However I do not think this is just about this one incident. I think you feel generally taken advantage of. So perhaps YABU if this was an isolated incident but YANBU if this is a series of events. In which case you need to learn to say no.

sparklyblack · 10/02/2011 17:58

YANBU. Yes, they were at a funeral so obviously had other things on their minds but it sounds like this was arranged before the day itself (as OP had time to rearrange when her DS was at home) so why couldn't they have organised to buy something beforehand too?

I wouldn't dream of not buying a bunch of flowers or small box of chocs if a friend had looked after my DC for a whole day.

lesley33 · 10/02/2011 17:59

I guess it does depend on whattype of friend. We have all come across people who are takers and never willing to help you out if you need it. I have learned to spot those people now and just avoid them.

But for true friends I think you help each other out and both sides should be happy to do this. I would get a present for someone who went really out of their way to help and other friends of mine would do this too. But I personally think babysitting while a friend goes to a funeral is no big deal.

AlpinePony · 10/02/2011 18:00

This is a toughie. Twice since my son was born I've asked friends to look after him. Both times I've been torn between turning up with a gift and saying "thank you so much". I thought my friends offered becasue they wanted to help me - and that I would return the favour one day - not because they wanted a bottle of wine.. :(

undercovamutha · 10/02/2011 18:00

YABU.

I look after my friends DCs sometimes and they have never given me a gift and it has never once occurred to me to expect one. I am happy with a 'thank you' (and preferably the suggestion of returning the favour!!!).

I went to the funeral of a close family member a few years ago. My very close friend looked after my DD (and even fed her - shock horror). We were gone at least 6 or 7 hours. I didn't buy my friend a thank you gift.

I thanked her very much, and told her what a great friend she was and how much it had helped not having to take my DD to the funeral.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 10/02/2011 18:43

Alpine - don't be sad - there's every chance they are like you, I & a lot of others on here - we do favours for friends because we want to. Tbh I don't even think of it 'as a favour' they need something done, I can do it - it's all good?!

Original poster

BettyButterknife · 10/02/2011 19:12

I suppose I just consider my time alone with 6mo DS2 quite precious, and so to have given that up to look after two very energetic boys was a bit of a sacrifice for me. They knew I had to do this. They did take their 9mo DD to the funeral etc. so it was definitely not a no kids affair.

Anyway, I think the way this thread has gone shows that some people would definitely not have expected anything whereas others definitely would have. Seems to me that is the nub of the issue - folk have their own ways of doing things. Just because I would have taken them something to thank them for giving up their time doesn't mean they are bad friends for not doing the same.

I think whoever said I was feeling taken advantage of as this was the third time is right. I must learn to say no. Hopefully, there won't be another ask anytime soon, especially as I am counting down the days until I go back to work. To be fair to them, I made sure I was nothing but accommodating, both when making the arrangements and on the day so perhaps they didn't view it as a particularly big sacrifice worthy of major thanks.

PS although my DH accuses me of being a bit particular when it comes to this kind of thing, when I told him how long they were expecting me to have their DS even he sent me a text saying 'Jesus. They'd better get you some flowers' which is what put the idea in my head in the first place

OP posts:

thumbdabwitch · 10/02/2011 22:55

BBK - I was asked to look after a friend's 20mo while she was doing a work demonstration one Saturday afternoon as her DH was not going to be back in time from his own work - only a couple of hours. I said no problem - she brought him with food and everything he needed and in the end it turned out to be nearer 4 hours than 2 (I was just starting to worry about her!). I wasn't expecting anything as I hadn't really done that much; but she still brought me a bottle of wine.

It's not a case of expectation, I don't think - more a case of the person who is asking the favour recognising the magnitude of the "ask" and thinking about it appropriately. And in this case, it was a big "ask" - most of the day and 2 meals, plus a sacrifice on the part of the babysitter - so yes, it would feel like they haven't appreciated the magnitude of the favour by not bringing a small token of gratitude.

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 10/02/2011 23:14

It has never crossed my mind to take a gift if a friend has looked after DD, or to want one when I return the favour.

I think you are downplaying the trauma of attending a funeral to be honest. Cut them some slack. The thought of spending the day at a funeral (especially with a baby), then shopping for a token gift, fills me with horror. Maybe I just don't deal with funerals very well.

Also, you had two boys to look after because you chose to, I'm sure they didn't insist your son was there too? It sounds to me as if there might be a bit more to this than just this scenario. Perhaps this friendship has just gone a little stale? If not, and you are genuinely cross because your friends didn't bring you a gift for looking after their son when they were attending a funeral, then YABU.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 11/02/2011 00:02

Thumb - between my friends and I this is not a big ask a days childcare is nothing compared to some of the things we do for each other!

Loopy is right too - you chose to have 2 boys to play with because it seemed weird to have their son on his own, which I find odd in itself - you could have made it easier, just had him pottering around and watching a DVD for most of the day.

Not to mention the fact that they didn't expect you to have him, they asked you if you would have him - there's a difference. Learn to say 'No' if you don't want to do things - or do them with good grace.

ThisFeelsWeird · 11/02/2011 00:08

YABVU (and a bit odd?) to expect a gift. They had been at a funeral of all things. But YANBU to expect a heartfelt thank you and the offer of a returned favour at some point.

thumbdabwitch · 11/02/2011 00:22

Fair enough Chipping - I guess it's different for different people. I've never had to look after any other child than DS for long so a whole day would be big to me.

StuffingGoldBrass · 11/02/2011 00:24

I think it's more to do with the fact that you feel these friends take the piss and use you regularly as free childcare. Was this funeral of someone very close to them, or was it a matter of them going along out of duty (or indeed because it looked like a good pissup?) Because people who generally take advantage are quick to go 'Oh but it's a fuuuuuuuuneral' as a kind of argument-stopper when it's actually the funeral of their work colleague's grandma/great uncle Herbert who they haven't actually seen for 30 years.

BluddyMoFo · 11/02/2011 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Munaka · 11/02/2011 00:41

Bluddy

What a fucking crass thing to say.

OP, yes YABU. It's not like they asked you to watch him while they went shopping for an hour and then came back 7 hours later.

You also state you know how precious your one on one time is with your DC2. If you didn't want this interrupted so your friends could go to a funeral, maybe you should have said no instead of playing the martyr now.

BirdyArms · 11/02/2011 00:44

I had a friend's children for the day last Saturday whilst they went house hunting - couple of hours from where we live so hard work to take their kids. Dh was away for the weekend and it was to be honest bloody hard work (2 3yo and 2 5 yo, my elder ds was very overexcited and had a huge tantrum).

Anyway they gave me a box of chocolates and I very, very much appreciated them. I think it makes a big difference to really feel that someone is grateful when you have put yourself out for them.

I don;t know whether YABU or not though. I definitely didn't expect my friend to give me anything but very much appreciated it when she did. You need to decide whether you think your friend is taking the piss or whether she just didn't think to get you a material token of her appreciation.

BluddyMoFo · 11/02/2011 00:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpeedyGonzalez · 11/02/2011 00:58

I appreciate that you already felt put-upon by this family, however surely attending a funeral is sufficient reason for showing good grace? And they obviously took their 9 mo baby because he/she is...a baby.

Having been to three close family funerals I would be horrified if someone who'd helped me out felt irritated that I hadn't bought them a thank-you gift.

I am the sort of person who nearly always gives thank-you pressies but when you're overwhelmed with grief and anguish you should be excused for overlooking that stuff. Perhaps they're hoping you'll be happy to wait until they were less emotionally overwhelmed before thinking of a thank-you present. It seems you're not. I do hope they're not MNers, it would be awful if they saw this thread.

Given the fact that someone has just DIED, a thank-you present is really not all that important in the grand scheme of things, is it?

SpeedyGonzalez · 11/02/2011 00:59

I thought Bluddy's comment was very funny!

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