To want to move back to my flat?

[AnonymousRegular]

Namechanged for this. DH and I own a house together, in which we live. We moved in a few months ago (when DS was a newborn).

We still own my flat (which was mine before I met DH, and which we are currently renovating with a view to renting it out). Flat has 2 beds and a lounge/dining room, plus small kitchen and bathroom, no outdoor space. House is much larger - 4 beds, larger lounge, dining kitchen, 2 bathrooms, garden. Flat is in the city centre and the house is in a "nappy valley" part of South London, I suppose it's suburbia really.

Thing is, I HATE living in the house. I keep comparing it to the flat and it just comes up second in everything.

I had a great life in the flat - it was in an area with a really buzzy atmosphere, really convenient for seeing my friends, for going to my church and for my family to come and visit me. DH had a commute that took half the time.

We moved out because we thought it would be better to have a house with more space, and a garden for the baby to play in. I thought we needed to be in an area with lots of mother and baby groups, family friendly places, nice organic butcher - all those sorts of things. The area where we live has all this in abundance. Looking back, I realise that I bought the house with this idealised image of motherhood in mind - my baby would be playing on the lawn in dappled shade, while I was in the kitchen making homemade jam (with homegrown raspberries, naturally) and whipping up a batch of cupcakes while a nice organic joint roasted in the oven to be ready when DH came home.

The reality is that my life is a tad different.

I never get to see my friends anymore - DH doesn't get home till nearly 9pm, so by the time he's home and could look after DS, it's too late to go out (by the time I could get into town). I can't stand baby groups. I don't like my NCT group and have dropped out of the meet ups.

I hardly ever go in the garden, I don't have time to garden it and I certainly don't have time to relax in it (I was really looking forward to having a garden, but we have to pay a gardener to stop it going feral).

It's more dfficult for my family to visit us here (although TBH my mother could make more effort - she is difficult at the best of times - she could visit more if she wanted to).

The ONLY advantage to the house is that we have more space. DH likes this. I would cheeerfully throw away 90% of what I own to go back to the flat.

I know my life wouldn't be the same as it was pre-baby even if we were still in the flat. But I just feel that in moving to the house I have given up loads of stuff I really enjoyed but in return I haven't really got any of the advantages that I was expecting. I also feel that DH isn't really experiencing the disadvantages of the location, as he's at work all day.

DH won't entertain my suggestion that we move back to the flat and rent out the house instead (so if we change our mind when DS is older, we could still come back here). He wants the extra space. I think it's unfair to expect me to stay in an area where I am really unhappy just so we can have a spare room.

AIBU to want to move back to town and rent out the house?

It is winter.. lol.. wait till the warmer weather comes and you want to be out in your garden :)

Also, you have got to give it more chance than just a few months, honestly. Winter is a dreary season, we all stay in more, people are not as friendly, your old friends dont want to travel far to visit...

i thik you should give it 6 months and re-assess.

this is a bad time of year anyway... no-one is usig their gardens!
come summer you will LOVE being able to go out there with the baby. baby will be older, and possibly even crawling around so will like it

with a tiny baby i don't think living in a flat is an issue.. we did it til ds1 was 18 months old. but by that time I NEEDED outside space and more living space indoors.

you're probably missing the lifestyle you had more than you're missing the flat itself iyswim?
but like I say, give it 6 months perhaps... get more involved in local stuff, make some local friends and see how you feel then?

YANBU but not sure how you can persuade your DH of this - is there anyway to trial your plan for 3 months? would your house be suitable for a short-term rental? There are agencies that specialise in these, I think...

I don't get why people think they have to move to more spacious properties as soon as they have a baby. Nice for bigger children to have a garden to play in but a baby doesn't need one!

Thanks for super fast responses! Yes, DH refuses to try going back to the flat. I suggested a week's trial back at the flat and he just said no way.

i think you are hankering after your old life. i think this is more about you having a new baby andyour dh isn't home until 9. that would do anyones head in esp in jan/feb.

can you organise a babysitter once a week s oyou can get out?

once your baby is walking you will need the space and will appreciate being out of town.

I can totally relate to this as I would not want to live in suburbia. As my DS once said, "the suburbs have all the bad stuff from the city, and all the bad stuff from the country". I thought this was a fair description! Could you not sell the house and buy somewhere near to where you used to live? Even if it's smaller?

for so many of the reasons you have listed we are still living in my one bed central-ish London flat. But with DC number 2 on the way I know we will have to move soon - we are getting squashed.

I will be on maternity leave over the summer so I want to stay where we are for now - so close to friends, shops, excellent transport etc, not to mention lots of London's lovely parks etc etc (In my head its going to be really hard to move - perhaps I can rent your 2 bed flat OP )

Bet your garden will be really lovely come supper though - hang in there.

I think you need to give it a bit more time. I'm willing to put money on you loving that garden in the summer.

I know what you mean about missing the buzz of being somewhere central though.

I also think that you should give it a bit longer as you are still in the baby haze and I think you have been a bit unlucky with your NCT group.

I may be biased as I live in SW London and I love it. How old is your baby. When I first met my DD's NCT group I couldn't imagine that I would be friends with any of them. 4 years down the line, I see some of them on an almost weekly basis (some are very casual friends but one in particular I adore but it took me about a year to get to know her). I have also made friends from random places, cafe's, playgroup's. I love going to the park with toddlers/pre-schoolers in the better weather (hardly ever go at the moment). After having DD I didn't really see the benefit of the garden as she could take it or leave it. Have since had DS and he adores it and wants to be out no matter how cold it is (so so grateful we have it now that he is 2).

Where do you live (pm me if you like) and I could maybe recommend a few things to do. Also most of my friends found the first winter with a small baby really really tough. You are going through a really tough transition from self sufficient adult to Mum. Even though I love being a SAHM, 4 years onwards I still battle constantly with my decision to give up my career and think of trying to get back in. I am jealous of DH's life (which has stayed the same) and the fact that he can go for a pint (or many more) after work.

Thing is, I've been here 6 months and it just isn't getting any better.

I think your DH is being a tad U here. He is presumably at work all day, so you are the one stuck in a house you don't like, in a place you don't want to be. I think he should be prepared to try living in the flat for a limited amount of time. You might both find that it is not as nice as you think it will be (bear in mind that property always looks bigger when it is devoid of furniture and baby stuff) or you may both be really happy. Not fair for him to refuse point blank to entertain the idea.

I think that as you are living in the house, you need to try and make a life there. If you give it a fair go and you are still not happy, then at least you can say to your DH that you gave it your best shot.

Fwiw, I think that when everyone goes to look at houses, they have this idyllic idea of what life will be like once they move in. I was pg with DD (3 yrs old now) when I bought this house. I had visions of sitting in the local coffee shop with my peacefully sleeping newborn, mooching around in my garden etc. Truthfully, none of it has panned out how I imagined (the baby didn't sleep peacefully, the garden is a wreck). It's normal, I think.

Like everyone says, see how you feel in the summer.

YANBU - you have had two major upheavals in your life in a short space of time. I would definitely trial the flat for a month or two and see if you really do continue to go out and visit friends, family, coffee shops etc.

I really hate suburbia - the only time i've lived there i felt terribly trapped.

How old is your DC? I know a garden is definately more important when they are mobile then when they are not.

While you haven't made friends with your NCT group, you're going to have to make an effort to make a group of new friends in your new location, pretty much every church round here has a mum & baby/toddler group one day a week, so find out where you're local ones are and go. Simiarly, baby signing, baby sensory, baby swimming classes etc. you will meet other mums at those and hopefully get along with some of them.

Re your old life - you know it won't be the same with a DC, don't you? Are your friends all SAHMs too? If not, then you will find you are just as lonely in the week when they are at work.

Your church seems important to you, have you joined a church in your new area or are you still going back to your old one? Try one where you live, see if that helps you feel more part of this community.

Maybe rent your flat out for 6 months, that way you'll have given the new place a whole year (and really throw yourself into it) if you still don't like it then move back.

If you sold both your new house and your old flat, could you afford a house in your old area?

YABU - I am in a similar situ, except I live waaaaay outside London now, so it's an absolute drama to get in to see friends. Poor old DP has a horribly long commute and is never home before 9, but we decided that living in central London was not our long-term plan, so wanted to get ourselves established in a "nice" town for DS' sake.

Like you, I have a small baby who has turned my independent life upside down; he most definitely does not go in the garden, but I reckon when he's toddling about, it will be fun to eat out there (plus a lot less messy!) and play in the sandpit etc.

I didn't even join the NCT here as I'm not a fan of forced friendships - I've met a couple of nice ladies with babies at the gym, but that's it. If I want to see my friends and their kids, the closest one is a good 30 min drive away - further into the countryside! I think that for now, while DS does love the company of other children, it's not going to harm his development to only see a few of them. Once we start going to toddler groups in the area, I'm sure he and I will make some friends.

It's unrealistic to expect a new ideal lifestyle that is as much fun as your old one was, but as PPs have said, unless your friends are on mat leave / SAHMs, then you will be on your own too, as who knows if you would like your NCT lot up there either. Of course I want to go back to my beautiful flat overlooking the park with the organic butcher , chichi bakery and great pubs on hand - but I suspect it would not be the same.

YANBU to want to get out of nappy valley though - I don't know how anyone sticks it! So many women with babies who all look like they have it sorted, having coffees and play dates - it's like first week at uni where you think everyone else has made their friends for life - except they're all just as lost as you! That's why we chose a town on the edge of commutable - less competitive mothering going on here and I can take things at my own speed.

Maybe try to arrange to see a friend in town for lunch once a week? I try to get up to London once a month - the effort is worth it as I don't feel as cut off as I did when DS was newborn and the visitors stopped after the first couple of months.

I'm torn as you sound so unhappy.

Have you decorated? I couldn't settle in our last house until we had done every year as it was so much in the previous owner's style.

Definitely give it to the summer though. If your ds is going to crawling/walking this will give you a completely different perspective on the matter.

Just to answer a few qs - yes we've redecorated (previous owner had appalling taste so was an absolute must!). It's not that I hate the way the house looks, it's more the location that's the issue iyswim.

I can see why people would think from what I've written that I'm hankering after my old lifestyle. I think there's some truth in that, to the extent that I feel that I have nothing at all of my old life left. I know that once you have DC then some things have to change, but I'm not so sure that you have to lose everything from your old life. I think that a big part of the trouble is, nothing has come in to fill the gaps so it feels like there's just this void there.

I'm not finding it easy to meet local people - if you don't go to baby groups(hellish places imo), there isn't much to do during the week that would bring me into contact with other women. At my old place, my friends work very close by, so I'd be able to catch up with them over coffee/lunch (or after work when DH got home). As things stand, I haven't seen any of my family or friends since November (not even at Christmas - my mother wouldn't come down to visit ).

I've tried to interest DH in doing things like going to the local gastropubs for lunches on weekends, but it hasn't ever happened (he likes to take it very easy on a weekend, which drive me nuts tbh - it's often 1.30 before he's showered and dressed, and that is with chivvying). Basically I haven't found anything that's special to this area that I really enjoy, so it's not comparing well to my old area. If I'm honest, I think DH could be a bit more helpful in this regard. If he's hell bent on not going back to the flat, he could at least help us settle in here. I can't do it all by myself, esp with a small baby.

It sounds like the main thing you are missing is your friends. Which is totally and completely understandable, esp if your DH and mum aren't around much and you haven't made new friends - you must be very lonely and bored.

I think you have to ask some questions though:

• how many of your friends will still be in central london in a year's time? I suspect many of them will have moved, probably to suburbs like yours or out of london altogether.

• even if you lived in the city centre, how much would you really go out with your friends? given your DH gets home late and you now have a small baby.

• can't your friends from the city centre come to visit you in suburbia? (at the weekends at least). or could you meet half way?

• what's with the hatred of baby groups? It does sound a bit like you are resistant to the idea of making new friends in your new area and are almost trying to make it difficult so you can go back to the flat ... Perhaps if you hadn't kept the flat (and thus had the option) you might be making more effort in the new area?

Give the mother and baby groups a try, I bet most women are feeling the same as you. I'm in south London and there are lots of dreadful cliquey mummy types around but easy to avoid.

I'm sorry to hear your mum didn't want to visit at Christmas, that can't help matters.

I think you need to meet more people in your area and in your situation (I.e. at home with a baby). Do you have a SureStart Children's Centre nearby? I didn't do the NCT thing but met a few people at he Children's Centre at various groups and then it sort of snowballed and i have lots of local friends now with babies the same age as DD. I genuinely like all the friends I have made and it hasn't felt forced. I think you would be enjoying mat leave more if you met some new people. As others have said, you may find if you go back to your old flat that your old life has gone anyway and you would be in much the same position as you are now, but with less space.

Would you look at the local Mumsnet thingy that may have meet ups in your area etc?

why don't you do a carry on sex in the city.

perhaps spend one weekend a month in your flat or go midweek for a few days, where you can catch up with friends ect.

I live in SW4 - do you?! If so (or around), the picturehouse cinemas do a 'big scream' of film showings you can bring babies too - great anyway as you get to see a film, but also a good way of saying hi to people.

The children's centre my DC goes to has loads of not-stupid activites on.

I didn't do NCT and had NO mum friends at all (and still don't, really, but now I know some of my DC's friends' mums etc), for years and years and it did sort of suck. If I'd had a central flat as a possibility I'd've been gone too!

A little baby/toddler would be fine in a flat, doesn't really matter about gardens etc til they're a lot older. Mind you I would say that since we don't have a garden ;)

Also, could you go and see your friends for lunch, with your DS? Lots of my friends work in the city and we used to go up to say hi quite often.

Or do stuff without him - if your DH is insisting you all stay where you are, he can stump up for childcare so you can do fun stuff with your friends!

And if you are local to me I'd love to meet up if you're up for meeting weirdoes off the internet.

Hmmm. I can sort of see your problem from the oth side. When I had DC1 DH and I were living bang in the centre of London, minutes from Liverpool St, Brick Lane, Columbia Road etc. We both walked to work and had a great social life as most of our friends worked in or near the City and were so very accessible for evening drinks and meals. We also went out in the West End a lot and could easily get the bus to Covent Garden and the South Bank. We had a great time.

Thing was, the arrival of our first DC left me feeling more isolated than I would have thought possible. There was no NCT operating in my area and most of the baby groups that were around were aimed at women whose first language was not English. Yes, I had London friends with DC but they lived miles away in Wimbledon, Putney, Haringey etc. Some of my friends who worked in the City were happy to meet for lunch with a baby in tow but, of course, it wasn't the same. And evening drinks weren't possible for me in the early days and, even after that, were normally had against the clock with me knowing I wanted to get back for the dream feed. Plus, although it was fantastic to see my friends, I really felt the lack of friends with babies who were going through the same things as me.

We have since moved out of London - to some extent, fairly or not,I share your apprehension on nappy valley - to a small city an hour away from London. I had DC2 here and whilst I wouldn't say it's been plain sailing meeting and making friends (e.g. My NCT refresher group drifted apart for a number of reasons), it is happening. But, dare I say it, it's happening because I want it to happen and had to fathom out ways to make it happen.

I do still sometimes mourn my old London life but it really wasn't the same with children. Plus, more and more of my friends are leaving London so things would have changed with or without children. I think the friends moving on thing happens to many people who live in big cities, especially London.

Anyway, I don't know if this helps you at all but I wanted to try and give you a different perspective. What you feel is entirely understandable but perhaps it could be viewed almost as a sort of grieving process for your old life. Your new life can be - will be - great if you give it the chance and some time. Finding a nice new local church sounds like an excellent place to start.

Sorry for the length of this post and hope it doesn't sound patronising. It's certainly not intended as such!

Update - I went looking for baby groups today. Found two on the net so trotted off - turns out both had since closed .

TBH I am sceptical about how far the groups will help. I have previously found it a bit dull mixing with groups of mothers - my experience was that, because you only have DC in common, many women would only talk about children and when I tried to talk about other stuff they seemed uninterested (eg I got the impression that quite a lot didn't bother to keep up with the news). I actually prefer talking to people without DC because I get a much better range of conversational topics.

Talked to DH last night. Suggested we do a weekend at flat. He refused to go for a single night. TBH I am rapidly getting pissed off with his approach. He says he is happy to move, but he says he doesn't want to live in the flat and every time I come up with an alternative suggestion there's something wrong with it. He won't agree to use the flat during the week and keep the house for weekends, because then we won't get rental income and as the house is not out in the country he thinks its pointless to spend weekends there. He won't sell the house and buy a place that is in the country for weekends, because he thinks we won't bother going often enough to make it worthwhile. He has in principle agreed to consider selling house and buying elsewhere, but his list of requirements (river view, parking, 24h concierge, 3 bed, outdoor space) plus his idea that we should decrease the mortgage (unsure why, as we are easily affording our curent one) basically mean that the property that would satisfy him literally does not exist. I've suggested renting out both properties and renting ourselves, but there's something wrong with each place I suggest. Effectively I feel that he is making it v difficult to move (despite knowing how much I hate living here). I feel that he's asking a lot of me (I think he would like me to stay here and stop talking about moving) but he isn't willing to give anything back (I felt that refusing to spend one night at the flat was rather mean - if nothing else, it would have been like a mini break). So not very much progress, I'm afraid...

Sorry things are not working out for you. If my DH, was behaving like an arse and refusing point blank to even consider an alternative, I would be tempted to do one of two things

a) let him be a SAHD, while I went back to work. It sounds as if you are not enjoying being a SAHM and could do with more adult interaction.

b) move back to the flat without him mon - fri and come 'home' on weekends. Insist that he gets off his arse at the weekend and actually does something with his time. You shouldn't be stuck on your own all the time and then be stuck at the weekend because he doesn't want to do anything.

I appreciate that none of these are great solutions, but I think your DH is being selfish. You could also put the house on the market and move into the flat while you look for his 'ideal'. If he can't find it, then you stay in the flat until you find somewhere that you can both stand to live in.

sorry I haven'y got better suggestions