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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to NOT want to go to this party?

28 replies

Spanglemum · 10/02/2011 12:09

hi
this is slightly complex but here goes:
My BIL and his wife (DH bro and Sis in law) are throwing a massive party later in the year for a 'significant' birthday. They are the same age. They have booked a venue and want a themed fancy dress party. So it's their party and their money, I've no problem with that. BUT they don't want children at the party and ours are 5 and 3.Their children are teenagers. We have told them it will be very difficult for us to come because we live in another part of the country to the family, so we don't see grandparents and aunties/uncles often enough for them to look after the children (who are not the easiest tbh) overnight.
Anyway BIL and SIL have thrown a massive strop that we might not go. We were practically ordered to find out if my DH's and BIL's father (my FIL) would look after them, even though BIL and his father are not on speaking terms. SIL said 'so what if DD cries for a few hours, she'll be fine?'. They are also angry with DH's mum as they say she is using her health problems (she has heart failure) as an excuse not to go.
I don't know if this matters but BIL and SIL have got lots more money than the rest of DH family, which they've earnt, good for them. But they are behaving like spoilt kids at the minute.
My DH is now saying he will go on his own to prevent (another) family row. My BIL is apparently hurt because he is 'very family oriented'. That's really not the impression I've got for the last 20 years. TBH I don't want to go now even if we could get child care.
AIBU and WWYD?

spanglemum

OP posts:

KaraStarbuckThrace · 10/02/2011 12:12

Tell them to fuck off.
They are being completely ridiculous.

Bogeyface · 10/02/2011 12:14

Tell them to stick it, and tell your DH that he should do the same otherwise they will pull this strop everytime they want him to do something.

TheButterflyCollector · 10/02/2011 12:16

What would I do? I'd laugh in their faces and tell them that I wasn't attending and not to bother to call me to raise the subject again. This isn't because I'm a believer that children must be invited to every event, far from it, but because I know from personal experience that if you can't secure acceptable childcare there is nothing that you can do about the matter. I also know that I'm not obligated to attend any family event, particularly one held by people who come across as rude, presumptuous and thoughtless.

I'd also be remarkably annoyed with my DH if he decided to go "to keep the peace" and think him weak to be truthful.

You're certainly not being unreasonable as far as I can see it.

Tunip · 10/02/2011 12:16

If BIL is that family oriented, why does he not speak to his Dad?

Let DH go on his own.

scotsgirl23 · 10/02/2011 12:16

YANBU, I'd tell them where to f* of to!

cakeywakey · 10/02/2011 12:16

Tell them to poke it. If you can't get childcare then you can't go, end of.

ajandjjmum · 10/02/2011 12:17

Maybe the fact that none of their close family members seem to want to go has got to them? Despite serious health problems, PIL travelled nearly 200 miles to come to a surprise party for me and DH last year. But we've (hopefully!) always been there fore them.

Could they be reaping what they've sown?

melrose · 10/02/2011 12:18

You are not being unreasonable to not go if you need to stay at home with the children, could your DH not go on his own?

Equally though they are not being unreasonable to want a child-free party!

headfairy · 10/02/2011 12:18

Surely a party invitation is just that... an invitation. Not an order. Tell them you're not going and won't discuss it further.

Family orientated my arse, they wouldn't be putting such pressure on you if they were that family orientated.

diddl · 10/02/2011 12:18

Themed fancy dress-for adults!

HAHAHAHAHA.

Christ I´d be glad to be able to get out of that-& by the sounds of things if they never speak to you again-bonus!

walesblackbird · 10/02/2011 12:18

It's a family party - why can't your children go? It's not as if it was a wedding. Tell them to get stuffed.

traceybath · 10/02/2011 12:19

Well I wouldn't assume my children were invited to an evening party - is it an evening party?

Where would you stay? If a hotel could they find you a babysitter or do your in-laws have anyone they could recommend?

All this based on the assumption that normally you get on ok and would ideally like to go if childcare wasn't an issue - although I suspect thats not the case.

LindyHemming · 10/02/2011 12:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbdabwitch · 10/02/2011 12:23

yes, I am also in the "tell them to fuck off" camp. If your DH wishes to go to keep some kind of peace, so be it - but there is no reason for you to go as well, seeing as they have been so inconsiderate towards you and your DC - they can suffer the consequences of their utterly selfish stupidity.

I HATE people like this! Family-oriented my ARSE!

hatwoman · 10/02/2011 12:26

it does sound like they're behaving badly ...but in their shoes I would probably feel a bit miffed/suprised that at least one of you (dh I guess) couldn't come. If dh and I can't find baby-sitters it would never occur to us to both decline an invite - we just take it in turns to accept. And I'd also wonder if, at ages 3 and 5, you weren't being a teeny bit precious about the gps. I wouldn't say any of this though.

hatwoman · 10/02/2011 12:33

"utterly selfish stupidity" is a bit harsh.

diddl · 10/02/2011 12:33

In such a situation also normally just one of us would go.

I think that their reaction would make me want to make sure that neither of us went tbh-but is that being as petty as them?

Although I might refuse on the grounds of having to fork out for an outfit which couldn´t be worn again

thenightsky · 10/02/2011 12:35

Adults making a fuss about birthdays is one thing that is guaranteed to make me cross.

Tell them to fuck off with their childish fancy dress twattery.

fannyfoghorn · 10/02/2011 12:37

Just say no. I never do any social things that I don't want to and my kids will always come first. Say sorry, no childcare, and stick to your guns. (Mind you I am a difficult bugger.)

Original poster

Spanglemum · 10/02/2011 12:38

hi Everyone

Thanks for your replies. I think my DH will go. I don't have a problem with the children not being invited at all. I do have a problem with being ranted at that we won't be able to come. They fell out with Fil and his wife and while it was a bit 50/50 I can totally see why it happened. They both (my BIL and SIL) have very senior jobs at big companies and seem to expect everyone else to fit in round them EG when we went to stay with them at their invite one weekend about year ago, we were told not to turn up til 6pm as they were all 'busy' until then, they were not going to cook but get takeaway and when were we leaving on the Sunday. I don't expect massive home cooked dinners, but indian take away for a 2 yr old? When you're doing what they want they are good fun and friendly but it's all about what fits in with them.
I probably am being a bit prescious about the GPS but my DD is terrible for getting to sleep on a good day. My son is not great at staying asleep. My MIL could not cope, she can barely walk up the stairs. I'm not minded to ask my FIL and his wife (who have always been good to DH and me and kids) to babysit for a party that they were not invited to and tbh honest I don't think they would cope, they are in their 70s.
I KNOW if I really wanted to go I'd find a way but actually now I don't. But the original problem was child care and we don't have any.

OP posts:

hatwoman · 10/02/2011 12:41

reading your post again - I think there is more to this (like traceybath hints). They're miffed/upset/hurt because they feel you're not prepared to make an effort. You're not prepared to make much of an effort because of the way they've been for the last 20 years. Basically you don't get on and this is all, really, about a long history. You mention other family rows, you say it's complex, you mention money. I don't think anyone here can really tell you if you're being unreasonable or if they are. or both. because it's about much more than this party.

hatwoman · 10/02/2011 12:43

sorry - cross-posted. don't worry about it. you kind of get on sometimes. they kind of annoy you sometimes. families are like that! didn't meant to offend about the precious comment

anonacfr · 10/02/2011 12:48

What's the point of picking a weekend to invite someone but not want them to show up till 6PM????
And telling you what time to leave the next day? How rude.

You might not expect home cooked dinners but I kinda would. If I'm invited people for an overnight stay I am going to cook a nice supper. If I have house guests for a few days we might have take away one night.

Quite frankly they sound selfish. Maybe the're so used to being 'the boss' at work that they've forgotten what it's like to interact with actual people on an equal footing?

As for the fancy dress thing it sounds rather hideous. I'd say no in a flash and let them sulk.

Original poster

Spanglemum · 10/02/2011 12:54

no, not offended hatwoman. I suppose it is more than just the party, but I feel that that is what they are making of it. When DH and I were younger and hard up they did help us out financially and things. DHs parents had a very difficult break up though now even they can rub along and have even been known to have a cup of tea/coffee at each other's house.

I have always tried to stay out of my DH family rows (my family is even more dysfunctional tbh) but I am fed up with sticking up for SIL when she is basically rude to people, thinks she is better than people, they have got to me now with this party nonsense. I would have liked to go but I can't and them ranting is not going to make me want to go.
I accept that they are hurt, I accept that they came to our wedding and various events, but if they'd not been able to I would not have got in a state.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 10/02/2011 12:55

Anon, I totally agree with everything you said, but I just wanted you to know that I peed my pants at your "It sounds rather hideous"! What a wonderful way to put it!

I think the OP should say that to BIL about the party in the received pronunciation accent I now think you have :o

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