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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a bit upset

86 replies

OnlyWantsOne · 10/02/2011 10:00

my DP calls me "the management" or says "keep the good woman sweet"

in an email that DP sent to his secretary asking her to do some thing, he called me the management and then wanted her to do some thing to "keep the good woman sweet" (as he's got to go away for a night with his boss, he was going to take me away the night before at the same hotel as a treat - he wanted his secretary to book it)

fucking hell im not his management. It really pissed me off that he called me that, and then patronises me... or am i being stupid??

he forwarded the hotel booking onto me via email, which included the whole thread of conversation between him and his secretary.

He's a twunt and im over emotional hormonal blob.

OP posts:

Anonymousbird · 10/02/2011 11:26

I can be referred to as "head office" generally in relation to social/family arrangements, simply because I have a diary which I actually put things in and DH has not a clue what the family is up to on any given day/weekend, or whatever.

But he uses the term affectionately, and does not suggest that I am "the boss", simply that I am the one with a record of what we are doing at any given time!

OTheHugeManatee · 10/02/2011 11:31

I don't think it's such a big deal.

There's a whole massive edifice of cultural convention that says men should never give any evidence of caring about their wives, making nice gestures, not going away on business on Valentine's Day and all that. But of course in reality most of them do, don't really want to be macho heartless bullies, enjoy spending time with their DWs etc.

To get round this - and yes, it's kind of a 'face-saving' thing - lots of men will attribute responsibility for wanting to do things like that to their wives. As in 'It's more than my life's worth to be away on 14 Feb' type thing (he told someone at work this recently, when actually he's looking forward to us having time to do something nice together).

I couldn't care less if DP wants to pretend it's not up to him. It's just a convention, and nobody in their right mind takes it seriously. We both know the real score.

ViolaTricolor · 10/02/2011 11:31

That would piss me off no end. Have you explained why it's annoying?

BuzzLiteBeer · 10/02/2011 11:31

It might be done with affection, its beside the point if his wife, the one the affection is meant to be for, does not like it.

Too make it clearer, my DH may call me chubbyarse with affection, I wouldn't find it amusing if he called me this to work colleagues in an email. How is this different?

MrsAlanKey · 10/02/2011 11:32

MrSpoc I think most women on here want to be part of an equal partnership whereby they do nice things together because they enjoy it. I think they want their DH/DP to be able to say to others that they are going to spend a night in a hotel because they like their wife and want to spend time with her, not because their life won't be worth living if they don't keep her sweet.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/02/2011 11:36

Thing is, if you want to challenge that social convention about how men refer to their wives, you might as well take on the entire edifice of gender.

I can't be bothered to argue with the convention that says I'm expected to shave my legs and pits. I see this in much the same way.

In practice, he's arranging for you two to go away for a night and spend some quality time together. By doing it through work he's probably saving the household money, as his work will get corporate rates on the hotel. (DP regularly does this for us). You get a night away, nice food, a bit of pampering, and don't have to change the sheets the next day - who gives a toss how he phrases it at work?

BuzzLiteBeer · 10/02/2011 11:38

I don't think its the same thing at all. What kind of culture are you buying into if you think a man doing something for his wife makes him weak, or something to laugh at? How insecure must you be to need to cover up something so basic?

MrSpoc · 10/02/2011 11:40

MrsAlanKey - the ops husband did not book the hotel because his life would not be worth living. he did it as a nice jesture.

If my wife could not take this small banter, affection without getting all arsey like some people then we would not be together as we would not be a good fit.

Me and my wife are best mates. I have no qualms about saying that to anyone. We just have our laugh and i do not honestly think the op is arsed by her resonses and i think she has taken it in the way it was meant to be given (good on you op for trying to get an up grade).

MrSpoc · 10/02/2011 11:41

Buz who was that directed at?

slartybartfast · 10/02/2011 11:44

i dont think its a big deal.
just a turn of phrase.

enjoy your hotel

BuzzLiteBeer · 10/02/2011 11:46

er, manatee I think.

OTheHugeManatee · 10/02/2011 11:46

Spoc Probably me. My reading of the 'I need to check with the boss' thing is that it's a sort of macho thing.

I'm not sure what planet you're living on though, Buzz, if you think machismo plays no part in how men interact. It's not about 'insecure', just about particular social conventions.

This isn't to say I think machismo is something great and marvellous. But it exists, and in trivial instances like this I just don't think it's worth getting het up about.

Pseudo341 · 10/02/2011 11:47

DH refers to me as "the management", I fail to see the problem, it's a joke. Our relationship involves a lot of mutual piss taking, it's the way we work, I guess not everyone's the same though. I also get "'er indoors", "the little woman" etc, don't think he says it to anyone who doesn't know the true equal nature of our relationship but wouldn't bother me if he did, I don't really care what people think of me like that. We also check with each other before making social commotments, that's just plain good maners.

If it does bother you then just tell him, no need to get het up, just calmly explain that you know it's meant as a joke but it bothers you so please don't do it in future. If he carries on doing it then yes he is a bit inconsiderate but give him a chance before assuming bad intentions.

BuzzLiteBeer · 10/02/2011 11:53

I'm living on this planet. My DH does not and would not talk about me this way. Is that so unusual?

ViolaTricolor · 10/02/2011 11:58

No Buzz, I live on that planet too and I don't know anyone who would do it apart from my sexagenarian uncles.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 10/02/2011 11:58

I think is just a misplaced joke so don't be upset. I can see it's fairly funny where the wife is in on the joke (as a few posters describe). It's not really where you're not in on it. I think he's using so that his secretary doesn't think he's being too soppy.

fedupofnamechanging · 10/02/2011 11:59

My DH sometimes calls me boss. It was something his dad used to say to his mum. It's a jokey thing and not loaded iyswim. If he referred to me as the 'good woman' (I can barely type that without wanting to vomit), particularly at work, I would feel patronised and as if he viewed me as somehow 'less' than him. That may be an overreaction but is how I would feel nonetheless.

OP, I suggest you tell him that he sounds unprofessional when he uses those terms and that they make you feel uncomfortable. He would have sounded so much more respectful and classy if he'd just said 'my wife'.

madav · 10/02/2011 12:02

Oh dear - everyone in my family calls me "the boss".

Including my mum and dad......

tethersend · 10/02/2011 12:07

Awww, bless...

MrSpoc · 10/02/2011 12:21

thanks tethersend for the patronising pat, but i think i like it

Pseudo341 - you hit the nail on the head.

Some couples do it some dont but as a couple who dont you need to understand that it is not another way a man can put a women down. it is just an affectionat thing.

May be you do not understand it because you do not do it as a couple.

BuzzLiteBeer · 10/02/2011 12:23

You aren't paying attention MrSpoc.

If both halves of the couple think its an affectionate joke, thats fine. If one half of the couple finds it offensive/demeaning/annoying, not fine.

lololizzy · 10/02/2011 12:25

My dad refers to my mum as 'the boss' or 'she who must be obeyed'. He is 72 though!

MrSpoc · 10/02/2011 12:29

I am buzz, but i think in the Op's case it is clear it is in an affectionate way. so she is beeing a little insensitive.

ViolaTricolor · 10/02/2011 12:30

Wot Buzz said. MrSpoc, it's all very well to go on about 'couples who do' and 'couples who don't' but this is a couple in which she doesn't go in for the Margo and Jerry act and he does, not just in private but with his secretary. Ergo, it is a source of disharmony. Pointing out other couples who are quite happy with it does not resolve that. The OP is proven not to be a freak who needs sorting out by the fact that lots of women don't like this.

BuzzLiteBeer · 10/02/2011 12:33

No, he is being a little insensitive, she is objecting to it.

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