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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave ds1 screaming upstairs for as long as it takes?

59 replies

gobehindabushfgs · 09/02/2011 16:16

He is 8 and has Aspergers (not that this is an excuse for anything)

He has just told me that he needs an A5 photograph to take into school tomorrow morning - apparently he has known about it since last Monday but "forgot" to tell me Hmm

I told him off for giving me no notice and said it was his responsibility to organise himself and let us know if he needs something, it isn't reasonable to expect me to come up with something the night before!

He started sobbing and hitting himself in the face (he does this because he knows I hate it, but apart from gently removing his hands while talking to him I no longer give it attention)

I sent him upstairs to calm down. When he came downstairs dh asked what was wrong and ds1 explained - sh said the same as me

ds1 is now in his room screaming, growling and doing loud, ostentatious crying - I have closed his door (gently) because the rest of us do not want to hear his tantrum (which I said, calmly, when I closed his door)

This comes on the back of several annoying incidences of him not passing on messages from school - overdue library books, needing trousers instead of shorts for PE, that sort of thing

I am Fed Up Sad

so am I being a bitch?

OP posts:
cyb · 09/02/2011 16:18

You COULD have said _ I woudl have liked some notice but we can try to sort it out- I'm presuming you know what kind of reaction he would have

Children with ASpergers will need more help with passing messages on, won't they?

altinkum · 09/02/2011 16:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KnittedBreast · 09/02/2011 16:19

your not being a bitch youve just had enough of the screaming. hel do it whether you are there to see it or not

Original poster
gobehindabushfgs · 09/02/2011 16:20

I didn't say I wouldn't give him a photograph! We didn't get that far before the tantrum started, and I am not going up to placate him, he needs to calm down and then come and apologise.

I will sort something out for him. I am just bloody annoyed about it.

OP posts:
altinkum · 09/02/2011 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

altinkum · 09/02/2011 16:24

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
gobehindabushfgs · 09/02/2011 16:25

Maybe I am BU then. I will give him something to take in - I have never let him down before and I won't this time either

I don't think it's fair to say that I had a tantrum or gave him a very severe telling off though. I was irritated, I didn't raise my voice or threaten punishment or anything.

OP posts:
cyb · 09/02/2011 16:25

Is he having a tantrum because you told him off or because he's worried he wont have a photo in time?

Only you know your son, of course but it does sounds like you have high expectations of him. My 9 year old who doesn't have Aspergers regularly forgets to tell me stuff

altinkum · 09/02/2011 16:26

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Niceguy2 · 09/02/2011 16:26

Don't be ridiculous Altinkum.

I think OP's response was measured and fair. DS is clearly throwing a strop and ignoring it for as long as it takes is the best way of making sure she doesn't encourage the same behaviour the next time she tells him off.

Slinkysista · 09/02/2011 16:26

Oh he is probably feeling pretty bad now, can't you have a word with him when he has calmed down. I know you are annoyed but he's just a kid and he forgot to pass on a message! It's not that big a deal.

compo · 09/02/2011 16:29

Get dh to sort it out and open the Wine

it's hard to know if yabu as you know your son and we don't. But you wouldn't have posted if you didn't feel bad
hope your evening improves Smile

Original poster
gobehindabushfgs · 09/02/2011 16:29

Of course I am going to talk to him when he has calmed down, I am not a monster! He will get a cuddle and reassurance, and I will sort out a photo

I was just stressed and upset by the scale of the tantrum - full-scale screaming and roaring and growling - and yes, I was annoyed that he has AGAIN forgotten to let me know something he needs at school. I ended up paying £8 for a library book which the teacher had been asking for for ages - nobody told me about it until finally she told me herself.

He's stopped now, I will call him down.

OP posts:
altinkum · 09/02/2011 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gobehindabushfgs · 09/02/2011 16:36

he has apologised, we have had a cuddle and he is much happier

turns out he had also omitted to tell me that parents are invited into class tomorrow afternoon to help their children make a photoframe for the photo!

luckily I am free so I will go

I don't think it is unreasonable to have expectations of him, despite his AS - I think I know what he is capable of and what he isn't, and I really want him to be able to take basic responsibilities like this at his age

OP posts:
TheGrumpalump · 09/02/2011 16:37

I understand why you are upset, and why you are leaving him to cry it out, my DS1 is 7 and has suspected AS and behaves like this quite a lot. When he is in this state the only way he calms down is to be left alone to work himself down.

Can I make two suggestions? One that you keep an eye on your own language and look out for particular tones/phrases that act as a trigger for his behaviour. I have noticed a lot of these in my behaviour and tried to modify them. The other suggestion is that you speak to the school about ways to help with his organisation/communication difficulties. If he has documented difficulties then they should not be relying solely on him to pass on messages and need to put measures in place to help him.

Hope he calms down soon, and you can all have a big hug :)

Original poster
gobehindabushfgs · 09/02/2011 16:57

interesting that you clearly think I am a real meanie though altinkum - and I did ask for opinions, so thank you for posting

I will have to think about that. I didn't think my expectations of him were unreasonable.

OP posts:
altinkum · 09/02/2011 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
gobehindabushfgs · 09/02/2011 17:04

he was tantrumming beyond reason tbh, it would have served no purpose to have gone up and tried to talk to him while he was screeching and growling

and I also won't reward or encourage appalling behaviour

OP posts:
LadyThumb · 09/02/2011 17:04

I think you are BY - he is 8, he has Aspergers!
My advice would be to get a small notebook - into which the teachers MUST write down what he needs to do (go and see his teacher/support worker).

My son has Aspergers and would NEVER have remembered to tell me things like that. I think you are being hard on him, quite frankly!

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 17:06

Dont see why you cant do it to be honest, how long would it take, its all part and parcel of being a parent being told late.

I'd have got straight on it and done it not moaned about it.

Will it enroach on your Coronation Street time to do it?

Bah humbug give the kid a break and pull your finger out.

When you leaving him screaming upstairs too you cause grief to your neighbours if you are detached, nice.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 09/02/2011 17:06

I think you're expecting too much tbh, I have two with asd, inability to forget things etc comes with the condition. He's still quite young to.

Do you have a home to school book ??

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 17:06

All the time you spent moaning about him on here you could have done it. Nice parent.

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 17:07

YOu expect him to behave like a normal child, he isn't. Maybe it is about time you actually cut him some slack. Jeez women like you piss me off.

altinkum · 09/02/2011 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.