dd has self harmed - AIBU to ask for advice

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Here's the back story and have namechanged to avoid anyone piecing all the bits together.

DD is 11, very quiet, very sensible, top average, quite shy, hardworking, has never caused a minute's trouble since she was born. DD is also totally adored by all of us. We are a stable family although the DH and I have just emerged from a rough patch (he had an affair) but it's behind us now. DD is at a small and nurturing secondary for which places are hard fought.

I thought everything was going really well. Excellent reports, good friendship group, settled in nicely. Has told me she's much happier than at primary school.

On Monday night - had a major wobble about never being as good as anyone else and that there was a group in her class who make a noise all the time and she can't concentrate and has got a couple of low marks.

Tuesday get a call from a teacher because scratches have been noticed on dd's arms.

Speak to dd who eventually admits to cutting her arms on saturday with a razor. Nothing deep but a lot of long cuts - looks awful.

dd has said she's feeling unhappy - certain things are going wrong especially at guides which she has always loved where a couple of girls are constantly undermining her.

dd feels that she is hopeless at everything and everyone else is better than her, she tries hard but is never the best, a girl at guides gets level 6's without trying but dd got a level 5a after working really hard, there is a difficult dynamic in her class, she feels she has to be careful about everything she says to avoid being bullied by a group of girls. It also needs mentioning that the DS (15) is g&t academic, sport and music - everything and he appears to hae to make veyr little effort and this has upset her in the past but we really do try to play it down but I know she feels she doesn't measure up.

dd also feels she is ugly and fat (she is utterly beautiful and not at all fat). DD had an early puberty and started her periods at 10 and dealt with it in her stride and has been very grown up about it.

Add into the mix a difficult couple of weeks where a loved pet has been very ill and nearly died(sounds silly I know), builders have just finished in the house, and the DH weekly commutes from the continent (work). There is a possible relocation but not for 4-1/2 years because of dc's education which may also be unsettling her.

DD has said she would like to talk to someone neutral like a counsellor. I have no problem getting this organised and believe our private health care will cover it.

I had no idea dd was this upset, that she had self harmed at the weekend.

I am aghast at my incompetence - thought everything was ticking along fine.

Does anyone have experience of this - what happens on a child's school record when they know about this - what should I do; what can I do, why was I so ignorant of what's going on.

DD has had no mood swings, I thought we were very close, she should have had more attention from me in the last few weeks usually we will do something together on a saturday afternoon but things have just prevented it for a two to three weeks.

Sorry this is long - can anyone help.

Being a pre-teen is hard. It sounds like she does talk to you though. The self-harming is hard to digest as a mom I bet, but feelings of inadequacy isn't abnormal for this age. Professional help would be a start. Be there for her and keep the lines of communication open.

I am not an expert but be assured that a lot of young girls self harm and come out of it. I think a counsellor is a great idea, particularly if she is happy with that idea. Get a really good referral for a counsellor who is skilled in this area.

Don't blame yourself. Firstly because it is not your fault and secondly because it won't help her at all. Loving support will be a better emotional reaction from you than guilt.

sounds like you are doing a great job. shes beginning to talk to you and wants help. sounds like she is very grown up for her age.
pat yourself on the back

So sorry OP. Sadly, it is not that unusual these days. Please don't blame yourself either. There may be extra things you can do to support her at home, but that does not mean that you've been doing anything wrong or are deficient as a parent in any way. Self harm is, by its nature, almost always a secretive, private and personal thing. The chances are that your DD has been going out of her way to keep it from you and in those circumstances you really can't blame yourself for not noticing. What should encourage you is firstly the fact that she is willing to speak to you about it. In my (albeit limited) experience, this is fairly unusual. The fact that she has also said she wants to see a counsellor - basically identifying steps to take from here - is also great.

Both these things point towards a child who is obviously having difficulties right now but is also pretty well adjusted and secure within her family unit. This is a testament to you and your DH.

Do you know how long this has been going on? Only ask, because the temptation could be to look for the things that your DD was struggling with just before you found out about the self harming. If it has been going on for some time then it could mean that the root cause is missed. The counsellor will look into this with her anyway.

Re. school records: They will obviously keep a record of this on file - it would be negligent if they didn't - and I'm sure they will be keeping a closer eye on your DD in future. Make sure you build a good relationship and regular lines of communication with the school. This is especially important for you because if you end up worrying or feeling paranoid about what the school thinks of your parenting then you won't be able to address the issue together. The school should have someone who can talk to you more about this issue - I would be amazed if they haven't come across this situation before.

Finally, it sounds a very strange thing to say about something so distressing but in many cases of self-harm there is no 'cure' and no original trigger is identified. It is often simply a stage that people grow out of and it can pass as quietly as it started. This isn't to diminish the difficulties that your DD is experiencing - they are obviously real - but the self-harm is often a means of coping or feeling. It is actually quite rare that it is a product of self-hatred or a desire to punish oneself. As she develops emotionally, she will have access to other healthier outlets for her feelings and it may be that the need to self-harm disappears.

Obviously, every person is different. I'm sure people will post on here who have had experiences very different to what I've written and my experience is only second hand in a personal and professional context. There will be no substitute for the professional support you are arranging and the unconditional love you are giving.

Good luck.

Should have added control to coping or feeling above, as Strawberry mentioned.

I cut from 11 to 15. It was the only thing in my life that I had any control over. I was also a straight-A student but had parents who pressured me to achieve and were going through a horrible divorce. I was also horribly confused about my sexuality. I stopped on the day I had sex for the first time [shrug]

If you're daughter is anything like I was the best thing she can do is talk it over with an adult friend (non-family). Family and school were too involved in the causes to be of any help.

the self harming might not be a regular thing. I don't want to sound as if I am belittling your dd's or anyone else's experience but for me, I.only did it once or twice. I experimented with it when I was 11/12 and very unhappy at school. it did not help me cope so I stopped but I had other unhealthy habits. its very hard being pre-teen girl. I found it much harder than being a teenager. at least she has you to speak to and is willing to open up, I never did with my mum.

Considering the situation, I thought I'd be open about this. I'm eighteen years old and pregnant by the way, so you can get an idea.

I've been self harming since I was 13, and have stopped due to the baby. I'm actually surprised she asked for a councellor, it's more difficult than people realise to open up to doing something like this. If she was like me, she wouldn't want her friends or teachers to know, and to be honest the only people who may have known are her close friends. If she has any, I didn't at that age.
The thoughts of being fat or ugly I also had, you are treated horribly in school by other children if you are not like them physically - ie the children who are naturally quite thin. I would suggest just giving her a cuddle in the morning and in the evening, I always loved a hug from my mother even if she didn't know what was going on.

I would advise not to bring up the self harm unless she instigates the conversation. If she looks like she is bothered by it/upset however, I'd suggest doing something with her like keeping her company whilst she's doing her homework, watching a movie with her, and talking about school in a positive manner.

I was a very bright child and always earned top marks myself, even at that age and up until I was 14 and left school. Schools put a lot of pressure on their students to do well and she most likely has pride in her high marks. Seeing low marks will lower her mood further, but you need to tell her that sometimes it's good to take a break sometimes and be happy.

Most importantly, you are not incompetent. My mother had absolutely no idea of my feelings or what was going on because I always kept everything in. My frustration was let out by crying, thinking alone, or misbehaving. Be proud of her for telling you this, it's not an easy thing to do.

As for what happenes to a school record and what you should do? Well, my secondary school put a note on my file and others they deemed were at risk of harming themselves called 'Suicide Watch'. But I think this is in more severe cases.
What you should do? Well, from my personal experience having the school involved just made me feel worse. I didn't want the school to know about my personal life or feelings. In your daughter's case it may not be the same, but I'd advise putting your foot down on keeping things at home and helping your daughter yourself. Your daughter should enjoy spending time with you at the weekend, I know at that age I would have appreciated that too.

I hope this helps, you can always message me if you need to.

Thank you all for your advice and support and helpful comments. I am pretty sure this is the first time and quite glad it was noticed at school.

My dd (then aged 13) started self-harming last year when she felt she couldn't cope: stopped at once when she got help. School were wonderful: she saw the school counsellor and various arrangements were put in place, but she also has CAHMS involvement and will soon be starting CBT. Looking back, we both feel that the self-harming was the least of our problems; the important thing was that she was under intolerable stress which she had to learn to cope with it, as we couldn't make the stress triggers themselves go away.

The school record doesn't worry me at all. It will only be seen by relevant adults, and I'd be very surprised if anyone is ever interested later in life. tbh I don't know what is on there, but as I have spoken very openly with all the adults who come into contact with dd, I imagine there is enough information there to cover any situation that might arise: certainly, dd has met with nothing but kindness and understanding since I told the school.

Sorry to hear what your DD is going through. Your GP should be able to help and provide a counselling referral.

To add that I'd stop the guides, or ensure she only goes if she wants to. She may be better trying a different hobby. Once cliques have appeared in organisations like that they can be difficult to break. Would she be able to move to venture scouts or are they full? All girls clubs can be bitchier than mixed ones and a new set of people may help.
It's good that she's happy to go to counselling. Our local hospital has a self harming nurse (you know what i mean) attached to A&E that self harmers can be referred to as well even if they don't go through casualty. She has a short waiting list because she is so specialised but that's maybe a local provision. If the local DGH is near you it may be worth asking switchboard at the hospital, or the receptionists at your surgery if there is someone like this who'd see your daughter.
Only a minority of teenage self harmers continue to do it long term or cause serious damage if it is dealt with early.

Its a way of releasing anxiety, pressure.

She does need counselling and you would be able to get this via your GP and quiet quickly too.

Talking is good. I'm sorry this is happening to your daughter must be a very scary time for her.

I have no experience with this age group, sorry, but just wanted to post as I really feel for your daughter. And it sounds like you're a wonderfully caring mother so don't beat yourself up over not noticing sooner. Really hope your dd feels better soon.

Wanted to add as I'm following the replies to this thread.

FabbyChic is correct when saying that it can be a way of releasing anxiety or pressure. This is the most common way, to relieve stress.
It can also be however, punishment for oneself. I don't think your daughter is doing this to punish herself though, but I'm widening the range of reasons someone would do this to themselves.

With the counselling, it's not for everyone but I hope your daughter will benefit from it. Sometimes family and/or friend support can get a person through these times, and I wish the very best for the both of you.

Sympathies to you and your DD, and another one here who has known a few self-harmers (now all free of it) and it is very often something that just stops after a while. I honestly don't mean to sound glib when I say that people often 'grow out of it' - puberty and the early teens are a time when body and mind are in turmoil and it quite often settles down after a few years but this is not to say that it can just be ignored. Getting help for her will hopefully make it stop sooner, but if it does persist for a while, it doesn't mean she will invariably get worse or never be happy.

I really feel for you. You need to get some help now while she appears to be able to chat to you that she has done it and reasons why. Working in A and E I have seen a lot of kids/adults whose parents ignored the cries for help thinking they would grow out of it, sadly for some they don't. Get in touch with CAHMS through your GP and be insistant that you want your daughter seen or if you can afford it pay privately for a councellor specialising in self harm. Good luck and hope your daughter starts to feel better about herself soon.

It does sound like a classic cry for help - which you have answered. It sounds as if she couldn't express how anxious she was feeling to you but now that she has caught your attention (and I don't for a moment mean there was anything cynical about that), you can work together to get her feeling better. It's such a relief that she wants to see a counsellor - that is bound to help.

Good luck.

We've been through this too, it seems to be puberty and the turmoil of hormones, change in body, the feelings of wanting to conform overwhelm the adolescent.

Remain calm and keep talking to her.
There may be other ways to release her tension rather than cutting. Pinging an elastic band around the wrist. Holding an ice cube in the hand. Doesn't work for all, mind you.

Talking to someone may help her, it was actually the school ( in consultation with us ) that refered our child onto the excellent Young Persons Unit
The cutting did stop but then bulimia was another concern

I have no idea what is on the school record but mental health problems should be treated and dealt with like any other illness

She is at such a difficult age, I don't think many kids sail through the high school years without some turmoil.

I can imagine that the self harm is very scary for you as a parent, but I would try not to get hung up on it - it sounds like a one-off and she has been able to confide in you and ask for help, which suggests she's actually quite a secure and mature little person, and lucky to have a mother she knows will listen to her. I hope your pet is better now and that things settle down at Guides, though as a pp says it may be time to find a new activity - school social cliques are hard enough without dealing with ones the rest of the time.

Self harm is "known" as a teenage thing now, it's almost a rite of passage like trying a cigarette or your first kiss .

Best wishes to both of you.

Just to clarify, I am not trivialising self harm (have worked with serious self harmers and have personal experience), but low-level self harm is almost a trend in some schools now. My young cousin was into the "emo" thing a couple of years back and among her pals cutting was seen as a fashionable thing to do, which horrified me.

I just meant that a young person feeling troubled is much more likely to try self harm now as they are aware of it, whereas the first time I ever knew I wasn't the only one was when Richey Manic did it (showing my age!)

same experience here, glovesoflove: I was flabbergasted when I first saw self-harming, in an old French film- how did the producer know, had he been inside my head?

whereas when dd was struggling, this was the first cry for help that occurred to her

cory: I didn't know that anyone else did it (early-mid 80s). School didn't notice or didn't care. My mother I'm sure noticed but chose to ignore it. In a way I wanted her to notice.

It was only when I got to uni and saw loads of other people with the telltale scars that I realised how common it was. I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who did it.

The dirty secret about cutting is that it actually feels good, big adrenaline/endorphin rush sees to that. You cut, and let out a great sob, and with that all your worries disappear for a few hours. It's like a drug - it just lets you escape.

Sorry, OP, that doesn't really help, but it might give you an insight into why kids do it.

You must be going out of your mind.

I would guess she is finding secondary school harder then junior school and with issuse at guides then it is getting on top of her, maybe.

I was really good at junior school but found secondary school a lot more difficult, went from being on top to average.