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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DH to get a fucking grip and buckle down to work?

46 replies

crikeywhatevernext · 08/02/2011 17:56

Background:

Before we got married, DH took voluntary redundancy. He was delighted to do so and spent six months doing up the house before getting anpther job.

He did the next job for two years before being summarily dismissed for gross misconduct Shock No need to go into the detail, but it was about confidentiality and competitors. He did a stupid, stupid thing and got sacked.

He then got another job for 3 years but last summer told me they were offering voluntary redundancy and he was minded to take it. I was surprised. Without much more discusiion, he took the redundancy package.

He spent 3 months off work and started a new job in Jan.

Through the various redundancy packages, we have never struggled financially.

But last night, after 3 weeks in the latest job, DH announced that it was not working out and he has put out feelers for some other jobs that were on the cards during the last 3 months redundancy.

I was not only shocked, disappointed and confused, but pretty pissed off.

I think he thinks that the fact that he supported my decision to stop paid work and become a SAHM when the kids arrived gives him carte blanche to leave jobs whenever he feels like it. In a recent conversation, when I suggested that a pattern was emerging, he got angry and upset and threw back my "not working" in my face and accused me of being an unsupportive wife.

AIBU to tell him to get a fucking grip and buckle down to work?

OP posts:
Sarsaparilllla · 08/02/2011 17:59

If he's looking for a new job, not just planning on leaving with nothing to go to, I don't really see the issue?

compo · 08/02/2011 17:59

Weeeeell he's obviously unhappy in his career
could you maybe get a job
swap roles?
Why so dismissive of his feelings about you being a sahm?

Lizzywishes · 08/02/2011 18:01

I understand your frustration entirely and I think you're right to say there's a pattern emerging, but perhaps you both need to think about why? It sounds as if he isn't happy, after all, for you to be a SAHM. Might it be time to reassess the whole situation? Would it be possible for you both to work part time?

MrSpoc · 08/02/2011 18:01

If he is not happy at work and is made to continue working thier then it would drive him mad, dippressed etc.

Aslong has he finds another job before he leaves then there is no issue.

You could always go back to work if you are worried.

bubblewrapped · 08/02/2011 18:03

So long as he is not thinking of quitting his current job BEFORE he gets a new one, then YABU.

You should tell him he needs to bear in mind how his CV is going to look to future employers if he looks like a serial job hopper though.

At the moment he can tell future employers he was made redundant and his current job is a stopgap till he finds the right one. That wont be a good excuse if he continually moves around though.

Tryharder · 08/02/2011 18:05

He is being unreasonable to leave his current job if he has nothing to go to. But if he is putting out feelers for another job before handing in his notice, then I don't see a problem. Life's too short to spend it in a job you hate.

But I agree with you that he needs to give it longer than 3 weeks before deciding that it's not for him.

Why does he want to leave btw?

If it makes you feel better, my XH on at least 2 occasions had an argument with colleagues/boss at work and quite literally walked out...no pay, no severance, no reference, nothing. Luckily I was also working and could pay the bills...Hmm

MrSpoc · 08/02/2011 18:05

it is expected that people move every 3 - 4 years now in skilled jobs. this is how people bump up their salary.

So it will not look as bad is it used to 10 years ago.

thumbdabwitch · 08/02/2011 18:07

I think he's starting to play with fire here - if the recession continues to bite and redundancies become more frequent then it's usually a case of "last in, first out" and there won't be any nice redundancy packages for people who have been there only a short time. Plust the more short-term jobs he does, the ropier his CV will start to look. People aren't going to want to employ someone who may just decide to leave after a few months, just as they're settling into the job!

I believe YANBU - he needs to get a grip.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2011 18:07

"Through the various redundancy packages, we have never struggled financially"

This sentence is very telling - why are you acting as if you don't trust him to do the right thing for him and his family when he always has?

The way you've put it across makes it sound like you treat him like a kid.

I'm afraid that I don't think you should tell him to get a fucking grip. He has given you no cause to be this annoyed with him.

If you're that bothered get a job yourself.

potplant · 08/02/2011 18:08

3 weeks isn't that long to decide how well it's going really but if he's just looking around for something while remaining employed then I can't see the problem.

Comments about you not working are a big off though.

zikes · 08/02/2011 18:11

As long as he's intending to find something else before he leaves his current job, yabu.

If he's intending to quit without something to go to, yanbu.

I don't think it'd be right to discourage him from looking for something else if he's not happy where he is. Spend too much time at work to spend it miserable.

Original poster
crikeywhatevernext · 08/02/2011 18:14

lauriefairycake
This sentence is very telling - why are you acting as if you don't trust him to do the right thing for him and his family when he always has?

Whilst we have never struggled financially, that does not mean that each time he has been out of work there has not been loads of stress and worry that he would not get another job, or another with good prospects, or that the job climate would change or any other variable. The incertainty, the lack of stability is a real headache.

And i think the "if you're that bothered get a job yourself" is a harsh comment as you don't know the rationale for my being a SAHM. It would be very tricky for me to go back to work for various reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
crikeywhatevernext · 08/02/2011 18:17

I do feel like 3 weeks is too little to make a balanced decision. He thinks he may as well get out ASAP.

Before taking this job, I urged him to think really long and hard about what he really, really wanted to do precisely to avoid this situation. That was the "pattern emerging" conversation and my words of support (ie take your time, have a really good think, possible consider leftfiield ideas, don't jump into something) were ignored and he got pîssed off that I was "accusing" him of having a pattern.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 08/02/2011 18:21

You did not say any of that in your original post - you just said you had never struggled financially.

if it was a major headache for him to be out of work then you could have said that. Without you saying that it looks like you don't trust him and that you are treating him like a child.

I don't care why you don't work outside the home, it's not relevant. It's only relevant (and makes me look like a bitch Grin) if you take it in isolation.

I'm not saying it in isolation, I was saying if you haven't struggled financially and you have no reason to doubt your husband then if you are bothered (for other reasons singular to you) then get a job yourself.

Fine, you're worried. If he was worried too when he was out of work then you need to find a way to talk about it - telling him to get a fucking grip may not be the best way to go. It sounds like he was responding defensively when he whined about you not working.

thefurryone · 08/02/2011 18:30

Whilst 3 weeks does seem like a short time to really get to know whether or not a job is for you, there may be very good reasons why he feels that it isn't working out. Have you asked him about these?

If he's not planning on leaving before he gets another job then YA a bit BU. Also it would seem that before he started this job he had 2 jobs in five years, that's not all that unusual.

What you say about being a SAHM makes you sound a little selfish to be honest, and if he's unhappy in his job it's not that surprising he brought it up. He supported you in the decision for you to become a SAHM, and so far has successfully provided the financial means for this arrangement to work for your family. I don't think he's being unreasonable in asking for your support when it comes to him finding a way for him to be happy in the paid work.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/02/2011 18:34

If you dont work and he has too to provide for you then its completely fair that he has a job he enjoys.

If you want stability, then you could work and provide that.

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/02/2011 18:43

If he cannot bear the job he is in, he is better off looking for another one now, and just having a small gap on his CV, rather than sticking it for a year getting progressively unhappier. If he is well able to get another job he has put feelers out for, well I don't know what the problem is.

There is no stigma in being a job hopper these days - it is recognised that it is probably the best way for an individual to bump their salary. I have found out today I have got a new job - I have been in my current job a year. It is expected in my industry that you move about a bit. I have managed to triple my salary in 5 years by moving about.

3 weeks is long enough to know if you don't like a job.

Apart from one stupid professional mistake he made, he hasn't let you down so far has he? Trust him like the adult he is. 2 jobs in 5 years is not that bad.

Mithra · 08/02/2011 18:47

YABU. He's looking for another job, not just quitting and sitting round the house while the money runs out. Staying with the same firm for 20 years is no guarantee of stability these days.

Some men just quit their jobs, spend all their money, spend all your money and leave you high and dry with a bundle of debt (yeah, I was young and stupid).

Cut your DH some slack.

Violethill · 08/02/2011 18:56

Yabu to put the whole financial burden on him when he is giving clear signals that he doesn't want it. You say we don't know the rationale for you being a Sahm, but frankly, these things aren't set in tablets of stone, and while it may have been ok a few years ago, your dh may have good reason to want things to move on. Life isn't static- situations change and many people these days don't want to carry the full financial burden, and why should they? Its not fair to complain about the worry and stress of his redundancies when you aren't sharing the earning responsibility with him. He sounds as though apart from one bad mistake, he's been reliable and considerate, but he's giving clear signals that he does not want to have to be the sole breadwinner.

curlymama · 08/02/2011 19:00

He's looking for another job because he feels the one he's in is not working for him. Not quitting with nothing else.

You say you encouraged him to think before he took the job which is good, but you can never really know until you actually do a job if you're going to like it.

I don't think he's done anything wrong.

MrsMustardSeed · 08/02/2011 19:12

I don't think there is anything that weird about what your DH is proposing. When you make a concerted effort to look for a job, it is not unusual to end up with several offers, some of which come in aftter you've already accepted a job. It's not unheard of for people to leave very early into a job, this is part of the reason for a probationary period - it's for employees as well as employers.

I must say if a job seem hateful after three weeks, your DH might do well to trust his instincts and et out now, while it is still easy to do so, if he has another offer on the table. I speak from bitter experience, having stayed in a job for a year where I was subjected to bullying, watching my company engage in unethical practices, deliberte career mismanagement etc. I had a bad feeling after my first week but it sewed like such a dream opportunity on paper, I stuck it put hoping it would get better. If I had had the guts to quit, it would have saved me a year of stress-related illness, including weight loss and alopecia (lovely!!) and my family suffering.

Agree with others- I feel sorry for anyone who has to e a sole breadwinner.

WidowWadman · 08/02/2011 19:36

I think the only one who needs to get a grip is the original poster.
You can work out pretty quickly whether a job is for you or not. And it's better if he starts having a look around and seeing whether there's something better, while he is still employed and before his employers realise that he doesn't fit in.

If he knows it isn't for him, than they will notice sooner or later, too. And that's nothing to do with skills, or him not working hard enough or anything, not everyone fits into every company.

And if he has the sole financial responsibility and has to spend all day at work in order to provide you so you can stay at home, than he might as well do it somewhere where he likes going.

Nothing is more dreary than spending all day in an office you hate.

blueshoes · 08/02/2011 19:37

I would be concerned if a sole breadwinner had such a penchant for taking voluntary redundancy and quitting at slightest hint of trouble. One day, it will come and bite him (and his family) in the arse.

That is not a winning formula for a sole breadwinner. That is the chequered career of second income earner.

I would not put my eggs in his basket. I think you need to rethink your SAHM role.

WidowWadman · 08/02/2011 20:10

2 years and 3 years in one job aren't short stints and it doesn't look chequered, surely?

GMajor7 · 08/02/2011 20:24

Being the sole breadwinner is VERY stresssful and you are VERY lucky, so telling your DH to 'get a fucking grip' is out of order imo.

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