Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell DH to get a fucking grip and buckle down to work?

46 replies

crikeywhatevernext · 08/02/2011 17:56

Background:

Before we got married, DH took voluntary redundancy. He was delighted to do so and spent six months doing up the house before getting anpther job.

He did the next job for two years before being summarily dismissed for gross misconduct Shock No need to go into the detail, but it was about confidentiality and competitors. He did a stupid, stupid thing and got sacked.

He then got another job for 3 years but last summer told me they were offering voluntary redundancy and he was minded to take it. I was surprised. Without much more discusiion, he took the redundancy package.

He spent 3 months off work and started a new job in Jan.

Through the various redundancy packages, we have never struggled financially.

But last night, after 3 weeks in the latest job, DH announced that it was not working out and he has put out feelers for some other jobs that were on the cards during the last 3 months redundancy.

I was not only shocked, disappointed and confused, but pretty pissed off.

I think he thinks that the fact that he supported my decision to stop paid work and become a SAHM when the kids arrived gives him carte blanche to leave jobs whenever he feels like it. In a recent conversation, when I suggested that a pattern was emerging, he got angry and upset and threw back my "not working" in my face and accused me of being an unsupportive wife.

AIBU to tell him to get a fucking grip and buckle down to work?

OP posts:
hairylights · 08/02/2011 20:34

YABVU. You seem to expect him to stay in a job that he clearly isn't getting on with, and not look for alternatives? Harsh.

ENormaSnob · 08/02/2011 20:39

Agree with violethill.

Yabu

ZillionChocolate · 08/02/2011 20:43

I can see why you'd be worried. If he's going to leave though, probably better to do it now and miss this one off his CV than wait 6 months.

cumfy · 08/02/2011 22:23

You seem scared of something ?

fluffles · 08/02/2011 22:31

if he's not liking it after 3 weeks then i doubt it will suddenly improve after 3 months and he may well be out of his mind after 3 years.

most people are still on a high after 3 weeks in a new job.. if he's not then it's probably not the job for him.

Violethill · 08/02/2011 22:40

In the op you say you are 'shocked', 'disappointed' 'confused', 'pissed off' and that he ought to 'get a fucking grip'. And this is about someone who has been the sole earner, and who has always got himself alternative work when redundancy has occurred. Do you really not see how ridiculous you sound?
He is giving very clear signals that he's not a shirker- he'll find another job and work, but that he no longer wants the entire responsibility to fall on his shoulders. Sounds eminently sensible to me. Why not treat him
With some respect and start working as a team?

GetOrfMoiLand · 08/02/2011 23:40

I totally agree with Violet.

Vicky2011 · 08/02/2011 23:55

As to whether 2 jobs in 5 years sounds bad, it really does depend on the industry which your DH is in, in some sectors it is very common for people to move every two years and not seen as a reflection on their ability. Personally I would say that if the job really is wrong, then best to find something else ASAP so that this can disappear from the CV. (evil slave trading recruiter talking here)Wink

A1980 · 09/02/2011 00:36

He sounds as if he's going through a rough patch with work. He's had a few set backs etc. Perhaps you need to talk to him about it rather than tell him to get a grip which is quite unkind. Especailly as he's looking for another job, he isn't going to leave the job he has until he gets another one by the sound of it.

A few days ago, a lady was on here saying she had had such a hard time at home with the kids all day that the second her DH got home, she dumped the kids on him and walked away for 10 mins peace. All the posters were very sympathetic. Imagine the reaction it would have got if he'd told her to fucking get a grip and buckle down to being a SAHP.

I imagine how you'd feel if said to you to get a fucking grip with your lot in life.

The last I started a new job 3 years ago, I felt as if I wanted to keep looking as I didn't like my new job. It was just change and I just took a little while to settle there but I was happy once I did settle and I'm still there yet with no plans to leave. He may settle in. Why don't you talk to him about his new job and find out what's going on.

FabbyChic · 09/02/2011 00:42

I think you are being unreasonable, sometimes you have to try a job on to see if it fits, he has done this and it doesn't.

He has always provided for you so cut him some slack and tell him you will support him in whatever he decides to do.

If you are that concerned about finances find yourself a part-time job in the meantime. Alternativley offer to work fall time so he can be a stay at home dad.

magicmummy1 · 09/02/2011 00:42

sorry, but yabu. Why should he stay in a job that he hates? Would you?

You mentioned that he was supportive of your decision to become a sahm, but perhaps this was a decision that should have been taken jointly. And perhaps it now needs to be re-evaluated? if there are family circumstances which mean that you need one parent at home, could he do that for a while and you go out to work instead?

I can understand your concern to some extent, but you do sound a bit ott, and maybe he was just reacting to this.

BaroqueAroundTheClock · 09/02/2011 01:27

Actually I have to sympathise with the OP a little here.

My dad spent 40yrs of his life job hopping, some times it was because he was made redundant, sometimes it was because he hated it there, mostly it was because he was "bored". After he left his last paid employment he set up his own business, and in the space of 3yrs had a good, steady income from it, and he loved the work, even during the recession his business was steady (in a part of the country that was hit hard by job losses too). But guess what - he got bored of that and is now "branching out" into something else and dropping the thing that is doing well.

It drove my mother absolutely insane (And I have to say as I got older I got pretty bored of hearing about the next "new job" and the stress of another application form to fill in, the CV needing updating again and talk of another interview).

He also did the thing about being SAHM To my mum - so she got a part time job and then for a while for a full time job as well (which she was forced to give up due to ill health) ........it didn't change a thing.

Quite frankly I think my dad should have got a grip a long time ago, and I don't think it's infeasible that there are other people like him out there.

Violethill · 09/02/2011 06:38

But the OP seems to be totally fixed on not changing her life. She mysteriously says there is a 'rationale' for her staying home and not working, which conveniently seems to let her off the hook and not take joint responsibility. Her DH clearly has a rationale for wanting to look around at other jobs - ie he doesn't like the job he's doing.

Some people do have a low boredom threshhold, and actually function better by moving fairly regularly. Which is fine, as long as they don't use this as an excuse to shirk responsibility (which the OP's DH clearly isn't, as he has always provided).

I think A1980 makes a very good point. If this were the other way round and the DH was posting to say how pissed off he was with his SAH wife, and how she should 'fucking buckle down' and do things the way he dictated, there would be the usual uproar. This is no different. For some reason, the OP thinks she's entitled to not work and that her DH should be sole provider for the family. That, in itself, is unreasonable, given that her DH has made it clear he doesn't want to carry the entire financial burden. To then rant about the fact that he isn't providing exactly on the terms she'd like, is rubbing salt into the wound.

The OP needs to get a grip before her DH decides he's had enough!

Original poster
crikeywhatevernext · 09/02/2011 09:29

ok, i am being totally unreasonable.
I get it.
Thx for the feedback.

OP posts:
BaroqueAroundTheClock · 09/02/2011 09:37

yes Violet some people do have low boredom threshold, and it often filters into home life too and it's bloody frustrating.

As I said my mum eventually got a job - and it made no difference at all.

I guess it's ok to have a low boredom threshold for jobs so long as you don't claim benefits in between. If someone posted to say they'd left their job and gone onto benefits because they hated it they're be roundly flamed here on MN........

kepler10b · 09/02/2011 12:01

YABU. he's never failed to get another job. i say fair play to him if he is actively looking for alternatives to something he isn't happy with. if he was just sitting around on his arse at home waiting for the perfect job that would be different.

haggis01 · 09/02/2011 14:52

OP - I think people on here have given you a very hard time. You probably came on to vent a little and get some sympathy and you have mine. It is very difficult when you have given up your own career and money to become reliant on someonelse, especially when it looks like a pattern of not liking FT work is developing.

It is hard not to have control.My Dp developed a pattern like this (a long time ago) before the advent of Tax credits etc, so financially we were boned as he kept going into businesses that would fail and then signed up first for an MA and then Phd without much discussion . He finally after 7 years of study and great financial hardship got a very highly paid job - oh Joy! and on the first day phoned me to tell me how he hated it. I felt like vomiting.

It's tough to have a lot of worries about your future and to perhaps have the prospect of having to go back to work, perhaps at a demoted level when you had agreed together that you would be a SAHM. Does your DH want to be a SAHD or will the children need childcare while he ruminates on his future?

You have my sympathies.

Ormirian · 09/02/2011 14:57

Lazy fecker! Tell him to get back to work(even if it is soul-destroying and makes him miserable) and carry on enabling you not to Hmm.

Slinkysista · 09/02/2011 15:50

Yes I would be worried if I was the OP, definitely a pattern emerging here and yes I think two\three years\three weeks in a job is a chequered employment history. What kind of message does that send out to a potential employer?

Hope you can talk and work things out. Would your husband be depressed at all?

Slinkysista · 09/02/2011 15:56

Also can I ask why some posters are being so vicious and mean to the OP? Really no need!
As often discussed on Mumsnet being a SAHM is no walk in the park either!

cumfy · 09/02/2011 22:52

AIBU to tell DW to get a fucking grip and buckle down to work?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page