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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my family not to let themselves into my house with the spare key when I'm out?

73 replies

chicaguapa · 08/02/2011 10:29

My mum has used our spare key a couple of times when she's picked DC up from school, so she knows where we keep it. Last week she went shopping locally when I was at work and then let herself in with the spare key to make a cup of tea before heading home (45 minutes away). I don't suppose she was doing it secretly as she'll have known what time I get home and that I would have found her in the house (which is what happened). However she didn't ask me before doing it. I didn't mention anything although I was a bit peeved.

Last night my sister phoned to ask me if she and my mum could meet at my house (again while I'm at work) as they're going to view a house down the road and have half an hour to kill. So could they come round and have a cup of tea? I said I would let them know as I wasn't sure if I was going to be home (sometimes I work from home.) I later sent a text saying that I was going to be at work.

Fastforward to today. They are both outside my house and I get a phonecall asking if they can use the spare key to go in anyway and make a cup of tea before the house viewing. Also my mum has arranged to hand over a piece of furniture to someone she sold it to on eBay!

I don't mind them coming round, but I object to the thinking that my house is an open house with a spare key outside for them to let themselves in whenever they feel like it. AIBU?

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 08/02/2011 10:30

Well ask for your key back/don't tell them where it is.

They have, at least, asked you though.

If you object, tell them that.

Personally I think YABalittleU - after all, the reason why your mum has access to the key in the first place is because she has been doing you a favour! Why can't you return the favour by letting them in for a cup of tea?

FabbyChic · 08/02/2011 10:31

I would not leave a spare key outside so they could use it. I would if necessary if you forget your keys a lot leave a spare with a close neighbour.

It's not on, your house is not a cafe.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/02/2011 10:33

no. You are not being unreasonable. Perhaps don't leave a key around any more?

As an aside, I think it's fairly foolish of you to leave a key around anyway - under a stone? in the shed? under a paving slab? in a flowerbed? wherever you keep it - trust me, burglars know how to find it! You may also find your insurance won't pay out if you are burgled and they got in with a key you left around.

Solve both problems by not leaving a key around. They can't get into the house and neither can anyone else.

If they need a key for a specific purpose, you can give them one and then they give it back to you.

femalevictormeldrew · 08/02/2011 10:33

Take the key back, I have had to do this with my MIL (or rather flogged DH into taking it back)

makemineapinot · 08/02/2011 10:35

YABU. They're your mum and sister!! Why would you have a problem with them coming round for a cup of tea when they have 30 mins to kill with nowhere else to go? I would be perfectly happy for that to happen in my house and would be pleased they were comfortable enough with me to do it knowing I wouldn't mind. But I wouldn't leave a spare key outside - mym parents always have a spare key to my door and so did my best mate when I lived in my last house. Wouldn't begrudge my mum a cup of tea nor my sibling Confused

purplepidjin · 08/02/2011 10:35

My mum owns half my house. She doesn't do this. She even rings the doorbell when she comes to visit!

I have the spare key to theirs. I let myself in (childhood home) but not if they're out unless picking soemthing up by prior arrangement or watering the plants when they're on holiday.

YANBU, it's about respect Confused

FabbyChic · 08/02/2011 10:36

If they are anything like my mother and sister they would root through my personal stuff, so I wouldn't allow it.

InspirationalBreadbin · 08/02/2011 10:37

YABU. What is wrong with them making a cup of tea at your house if they are in the area? It's a cup of tea, not snooping through your belongings. They have asked, as well.

plupervert · 08/02/2011 10:37

There was a thread a few months ago, in which aposter's mum had gone into her house without asking, had gone for an urgent No. 2, and then bollocked her daughter (the OP) for having run out of paper! (The OP had planned to buy more on her way home from work, not having expected anyone to be at home to need it.)

Even given that things could be soooo much worse (see above), I don't think YABU to want to ask your mother and sister to use your house a bit less. After all, the extra work keeping it tidy and stocked (warn them off with the No. 2 story!) is a strain. But the eBay thing is just a cheek. Why the hell couldn't she have asked you first?

GnomeDePlume · 08/02/2011 10:38

No, YANBU, I think you need to discuss some boundaries with your family. Assuming that your home is a freely available location isnt on.

Do your family operate similar open houses? Do they consider this normal or is it just a bad habit they have got into?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/02/2011 10:40

For me, what tips it into 'taking the piss' is arranging to meet a stranger at my home to conduct an ebay transaction! My mum and my sister having a coffee and bumming about for a bit wouldn't bother me. But that act takes it too far, and, imo, makes the behaviour unreasonable.

Bogeyface · 08/02/2011 10:41

I think that YANBU but I have very strict boundaries and couldnt stand the thought of anyone coming round when I am not there. My parents have this thing about "checking round" when they are away, my sister is the same. They are happy for my sister to go round and check round when they are away and they do the same for her, but I wont let them do it for me and they are horrified!

Perhaps those that think YABU arent so bothered about that sort of stuff.

Move the key (the insurance issue is a very good point), end of problem!

LibraPoppyGirl · 08/02/2011 10:41

I think YABU a tad.

It's your Mum and your sister and agree with what makemineapinot says too.

I think they would be really hurt if they read this post from you.

They're not strangers, it's your Mum and your sister and it seems as though, on their part at least, they have a very good relationship with you. Try and relax a bit.

If you still feel this way though, then don't leave a spare key out, don't give a spare key to anyone and don't ask your Mum to pick DCs from school Hmm

ratspeaker · 08/02/2011 10:46

I'd never leave a key outside burglars could find it, then your insurance company may not pay out if no sign of forced entry

I would never go into my daughters flat without asking her first, though she would come here and let herself in ( family home) but she did sed to ring the bell and we said just use your key like your siblings who still live here

marmy55 · 08/02/2011 10:50

hmm tricky

they did ask so i think you are being a bit unreasonable there

but my mum does this (not to me cos i have large dogs who might knock her down in excitement if no one else was there) but she does do it to my sister. She doesnt go there when sister is out, except to look after nephew after school, but she tends not to knock and let herself in when sister is in, which i dont like.

Deliaskis · 08/02/2011 10:52

Well, I guess it depends on the family. I wouldn't mind at all, and DH and I sometimes use Mum & Dad's garden in the summer when they're away as they get the sun all evening for BBQs. I might also pop round to use their printer if I need to as we don't have one, or to pick up/borrow something if I needed.

But I guess we all know that this is OK with all of us.

I think the meeting the ebay person there is a bit weird, but other than that I wouldn't have a problem.

Clearly you do though, so you should say if you don't want it happening again.

D

GnomeDePlume · 08/02/2011 10:52

I am always a bit gobsmacked at the 'it's yer famlee' type responses.

Not everyone is comfortable having family members waltzing in as and when they choose. I had to fit a padlocked gate to stop my PiL ambling into my kitchen then yelling 'hello' once they were in. DH & I could be (and often are) doing anything!

I would totally agree with Hecate, Burglar Bill has no problem locating cunningly hidden keys.

anniemac · 08/02/2011 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparkle1977 · 08/02/2011 11:38

YANBU at all.

We have never had the same problem ourselves but MIL does actually have a spare key to our house in case of emergencies and for when she has brought our DCs home for us to our house etc.

I did think, knowing my MIL, that we would get this problem too but luckily it hasn't been the case.

I'd take the "hidden" key away so they cannot get in anymore. I agree that conducting ebay transactions is a bit of a cheek.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 08/02/2011 11:57

They did ask and I thought I'd made it obvious that they could only come round if I was at home. So they still turned up and rang me from outside the house and put me in a position where I couldn't say no without being unreasonable.

So I've now come home from work (early), the spare key is nowhere to be seen so they've taken it with them so they can come back later - presumably for lunch? After I made it clear I was unhappy that they were there in the first place. My nephews have been into DD's room and messed it up and left chocolate biscuit wrappers on the floor. And the Wii remotes are lying in the middle of the lounge floor. Hmm

And yes, Dsis is the type to root through your stuff. So whether or not it's reasonable, I am pretty p*ssed off.

Re the key, I know it's not ideal, but we leave it out for the cleaner and as we're in a rented house, we can't get another one cut. Which, as Dsil has pointed out, is probably just as well or my mum and Dsis would have got themselves a copy by now!

OP posts:
PorkChopSter · 08/02/2011 11:57

If you have to have a key outside, get a combination keysafe.

It would drive me mad.

mistletoekisses · 08/02/2011 11:57

Depends on your family dynamic I guess. I am another one firmly in the camp of it's your close family, what exactly is the issue?

In my position, I would actually be upset if a close relative (mum, sibling etc) had wanted to pop in and make themselves a cup of tea / relax but hadn't because it was my home not theirs. I wouldnt be remotely taken aback to find my mum in my house making a cuppa. I'd ask her to make me one too Grin

I'd be getting rid of the spare key outside pronto, that is a burglary waiting to happen. If you trust your mum to pick your DC's up from school and bring them home, surely you can give her a spare key? Give her ground rules by all means, but dont be surprised if she tells you to pick your own kids up from school after that!

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 08/02/2011 12:03

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, although having said that, my family wouldn't dream of leaving things messier than when they got there (probably quite hard to notice in our house though Blush). I frequently let myself into my parents' house if they're not there, and vice versa if I'm not here and they need to drop something off etc, but I certainly wouldn't mind if they used it for a cuppa or a nice sit down if useful to them.

I'd have a word saying though, that it's one thing to pop in, quite another to plan their day around using your house and certainly to make sure they tidy up after themselves if they do go in?!

nomoreheels · 08/02/2011 12:04

Totally not on that they've left a mess and walked off with the key on top of putting you in an awkward position at the last moment. I would be livid.

I'm also with the camp that YANBU. Some people are very private and don't fancy their space being invaded. I would have no issue with allowing family member access occasionally if it was really needed, but not on a regular basis.

P.S. I would just get another key cut anyhow - you're clearly thinking about the ethics of it so I'm sure you'll just destroy it properly when you move out.

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/02/2011 12:09

YADNBU to take the key away from them if they are doing this!

There's offering hospitality and there's being taken completely for granted - and the latter is definitely not acceptable.

Ask them for the key back.