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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my family not to let themselves into my house with the spare key when I'm out?

73 replies

chicaguapa · 08/02/2011 10:29

My mum has used our spare key a couple of times when she's picked DC up from school, so she knows where we keep it. Last week she went shopping locally when I was at work and then let herself in with the spare key to make a cup of tea before heading home (45 minutes away). I don't suppose she was doing it secretly as she'll have known what time I get home and that I would have found her in the house (which is what happened). However she didn't ask me before doing it. I didn't mention anything although I was a bit peeved.

Last night my sister phoned to ask me if she and my mum could meet at my house (again while I'm at work) as they're going to view a house down the road and have half an hour to kill. So could they come round and have a cup of tea? I said I would let them know as I wasn't sure if I was going to be home (sometimes I work from home.) I later sent a text saying that I was going to be at work.

Fastforward to today. They are both outside my house and I get a phonecall asking if they can use the spare key to go in anyway and make a cup of tea before the house viewing. Also my mum has arranged to hand over a piece of furniture to someone she sold it to on eBay!

I don't mind them coming round, but I object to the thinking that my house is an open house with a spare key outside for them to let themselves in whenever they feel like it. AIBU?

OP posts:

KittaKatta · 08/02/2011 12:09

I'd be ok with the tea thing, but so not with the Ebay thing . the thing is if you're not happy change it. As it's a rented house it should be easy to ask for the key back and then don't leave it where they can find it.

I do see what you mean I would have no issue with my family trooping in and out and hate having to get off my fat ass when my sis comes around and knocks on the door. But I also know that she doesn;t like people wandering in and out and alway knock on her door when i go to hers. It's a matter of respecting each others feelings as far as I can see, being family doesn't mean that you aren't respectful of each others feelings

SecretNutellaFix · 08/02/2011 12:16

yanbu at all.

Why on earth does"it's family" give people the excuse to just come into your home, uninvited?

Especially as she then used your home for an ebay transaction? Cheeky mare!

ThreeBubbasAndManyBumps · 08/02/2011 12:16

Ooh, only just saw the ebay bit - now that is too much. Why did she arrange to hand it over at yours???

nufsed · 08/02/2011 12:27

YANBU. I have a key to my DDs house and she has no problem with me going in when she's not there, but I would never go round without asking her first. I don't use the key when I go round and she's at home either, to me it's no different to knocking on her bedroom door when she was living at home, it's just respecting her private space.

clam · 08/02/2011 12:32

Rented? How would the landlord feel about them having gone off with the key? Albeit it temporarily.

NotActuallyAMum · 08/02/2011 12:33

I wouldn't be at all happy with this, I'm with others who have said "it's family" is no excuse to think they can just go into your house when they like

Please OP, get yourself something like this to keep your keys safe

Sorry it's on eBay...

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/02/2011 12:38

The landlord is going to go bonkers if they find out you are effectively leaving the property unsecure by not taking proper care of the key.

You may find that will give them reason to evict you.

MrsLucasNorth · 08/02/2011 12:40

Look on the bright side - at least it's not your MIL letting herself in and opening your post

2rebecca · 08/02/2011 12:43

I would stop leaving the spare key for a while until this behaviour stop. Tell them if they ask you've decided it's not secure. Get a copy cut for your eldest child to keep in his/ her bag if the after school thing may be a problem. The EBAY transaction is taking it too far. Fine popping in for tea if you are there. Using your house as a cafe when you are out is odd. I wouldn't do this to my relatives.

Aims80 · 08/02/2011 12:46

Well it depends on your relationship with them. I wouldn't have any problem with either of my parents of my sister going into my house when I wasn't there, but they'd always ring to check first, so I guess just finding your mum there is a little off, it's just slightly impolitet to not check first!

Underachieving · 08/02/2011 13:00

YANBU to want this to stop.

People who don't live there, like your rather cheeky Mum Sis and nephews are lovely as guests, but they're not who the house is provided and run for. You and your partner (if you have one) provide this home for yourselves and your children. To me this is as simple a crossing of boundaries as when my little sister used to take my clothes from my wardrobe or if the repair garage man took my car home overnight. It's about respect and boundaries. It's not at all unreasonable to think that your things are yours and people should ask before they use them, be that your moisturiser, your clothes, your car, or even your house.

Original poster

chicaguapa · 08/02/2011 13:00

Good point about the key. We have a letter box outside on the wall with 2 keys for it. So I'll put the spare key in there and give the cleaner a key for the box. Good solution!

I take on board people's comments about family etc, but it's the sense of entitlement that gets me, so there'll be no gratitude on their part. Whereas I have good friends I wouldn't hesitate to invite round when I'm out, but I think they would wait for me to offer first and they wouldn't take the piss while they were round.

OP posts:

Original poster

chicaguapa · 08/02/2011 13:06

She used to pinch my clothes from the wardrobe too! I went away once and locked the wardrobe with a chain and padlock, giving a spare key to my mum in case she needed it. Which she did... To give to my sis so she could still help herself to clothes! And leave them in a crumpled heap on the floor. I'm sure we've all been there with younger sisters! Grrrrr!

I think I'm most annoyed with how it escalates from picking the DC up from school, to letting yourself in for a cup of tea after a shopping trip without asking (last week) to arranging get togethers and eBay transactions! You give them an inch...

OP posts:

IAmTheCookieMonster · 08/02/2011 13:12

I personally wouldn't mind and neither would my mum or mil if it was the other way round. In fact I think it is silly to be out in the cold when you can be in the warm with a cup of tea!

2rebecca · 08/02/2011 13:21

It's easy to stop though. You just stop leaving the key.
If your sister won't stop when you tell her to leave your clothes alone and your mum lets her use them knowing you didn't want her to I'm surprised you are speaking to them, let alone letting them in your house.
Borrowing clothes without asking is the sort of thing 14 year old sisters do without telling their parents, not adult sisters with their mum encouraging it.
They sound dysfunctional and as though they have no boundaries or respect for other people's stuff, including their houses.

ZillionChocolate · 08/02/2011 13:26

I live in a rented house. My parents have a key I cut for them. They come in by arrangement. I wouldn't be entirely happy with them coming in unannounced, but only because I would prefer my house to be tidy for visitors. I'd be happy for them to come in and make tea. I would also not mind my friends doing the same, but we're not on the way to anywhere.

YABU leaving a key out. YANBU being annoyed at them coming in and leaving it untidy - how rude.

Underachieving · 08/02/2011 13:31

CookieMonster I see where you're coming from, I am not sure I'd mind if the person who has my spare key used my house either. I'd mind if they didn't get permission though, that changes the whole situation.

OP the chain and padlock thing is appauling. My younger sister sneakily borrowed the odd top and we had words about it periodically but disregarding an actual chain and padlock is a whole other level of brazen. I would be really unhappy to be in your shoes.

LisasCat · 08/02/2011 13:33

Landlord, shmandlord. Get a copy made. How's the landlord going to find out? I've always made copies of rented keys. They give you 2. How is a family supposed to function with 2 keys????

GnomeDePlume · 08/02/2011 13:37

Chicaguapa is the problem that because the house is rented that your family somehow dont see it as 'yours'? This is not a comment on renting being lesser I am just trying to get my head round the idea that it is remotely appropriate for someone to go into another person's house and help themselves to the facilities of the house. It is just so wrong!

LibraPoppyGirl · 08/02/2011 13:38

It really is a personal issue. As I said earlier I wouldn't have a problem with it and it doesn't appear that your Mum or Sis have a problem with it

BUT.....bringing nephews with and letting them make a mess and then LEAVING said mess there and not tidying it up....hmmmm yes I would have a big problem with that

strawberrycake · 08/02/2011 13:39

If they left things as they found them and knew boundaries such as not checking drawers (ie are normal) then I've have no issue with this at all. I'd only have an issue if they constantly interupted when I was in and relaxing or ds was napping. I don't see the problem tbh, aside from ebay. I'd let this one slide but mention in future I was uncomfortable with anyone going to my address that was a stranger to me/ her.

2rebecca · 08/02/2011 13:42

Why can't you say to them "I wasn't happy with you taking my key away from the house and with you leaving my house a mess. In future can you please not come in my house unless I am there.
I'd feel a bit excluded by the cosy twosome thing your mum and younger sister have as well, all you get out of it is a messy house and your key nicked.
Agree I'd get an extra copy cut and give it to the cleaner and not tell the landlord.

Eglu · 08/02/2011 13:45

YANBU. I would have to say something to them about the mess, as that is not on.

Definitely lock the key away and make it only accessible to the cleaner. They are taking the piss.

Original poster

chicaguapa · 08/02/2011 13:45

I can't get another key cut as it's got a fob on it that prevents it from being done (we tried but the keycutter said he couldn't do it). I agree that it's hard for a family to function with only 2 keys. DH doesn't actually have one, as we've just got mine and the one we leave out. Though DH can obviously use the one we leave out if he needs it.

I'm going to have a word about future use of the spare key, which will be locked in the letter box anyway. They're still not back with it yet so one of them will be doing my cleaning tomorrow if they've taken it home by mistake and I don't get it back for when the cleaner comes in the morning!

It is about a total lack of respect, and maybe that's why I'm so cross about it. Maybe other people's families with freedom to come and go with the spare key are more respectful and that's why they see it differently.

OP posts:

plupervert · 08/02/2011 13:48

This is much, much worse than your OP indicated. Your mother and sister are pissing you about, and this arrangement puts your household at risk.

By the way, how does your mother know that ebay buyer vwasn't casing the place? Any argument about knowing where to find him/her is either short-circuited by the cash on collection arrangement, or is meaningless, as the "innocent" buyer could have ensured s/he had an alibi while his/her friends were robbing you. Add the possibility that the buyer could be watching as she (your mother) arrives and gets the key out, and it's a total nightmare. You should get angry with her, big-time.

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