AIBU to think there is not a paedophile on every corner

[ChaoticAngelofAnarchy]

or in every swimming pool, or every park or every newsagents, supermarket etc etc and people need to stop being so paranoid.

Yes, the other thread prompted this (so sue me...I don't really care) but I've seen this paranoia in rl and on other threads and sometimes in posts on threads that are not about this.

I never meant to suggest that parents (or other adults) shouldn't be alert/vigilant. On the contrary they should be. It's just that I've known some people who when they see eg

a. a lone man walking his dog passed a children's play area.

b. a lone man taking photographs.

c. a lone man at a swimming pool.

they automatically think paedophile. Now, while any (or all) of the above may be paedophiles them being male, alone and near children doesn't automatically mean that they are.

As other posters have pointed out there is a higher risk of a paedophile being a member of your family, a friend of the family or even the sports coach, in your child(ren)'s team. There's also the fact that some paedophiles are women.

Whilst I would never recommend anyone send their child off with a complete stranger (male or female) it seems a shame that men are viewed with such suspicion by some people, simply because they are male.

I understand what you're saying pagwatch. There is definitely a fine line between making children aware that what is happening is wrong so they should tell someone about it and having them know that if they do tell it will probably make their lives hell and tear their family apart. I think that as a society we need to face up to the fact that people having sexual thoughts about children is unfortunately fairly normal. You need a subscription to read the article but the abstract for the following paper suggests that almost 10% of men who completed their survey admitted to thinking about children while masturbating:

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19929918

My friend who has confided in me that he has had sexual thoughts about children is actually seeing a psychiatrist about other issues and is too scared to tell her about it because he's worried he'll be reported to the thought police and end up on some list somewhere (he doesn't work with children, has no intention of having them himself and avoids situations where he could be left alone with someone's children). He's the type to over think things so I'm inclined to think that he had one wrong thought once which most people would just put in a box marked wrong and not think about it again but he has convinced himself it makes him a bad person so he has obsessed about it and it's turned into a bigger deal than it should be.

justcarrots29 I'm so sorry to hear about your experience

I absolutely agree Angel.

As a great song says

'Thou shalt not think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a pedophile. Some people are just nice.'

A couple more thoughts occur to me:

which child is most likely to be safe, or at least to be able to escape from her predatory father/brother/stepfather- the one whose mother hysterically tries to shelter her from contact with all non-related males or the one whose mother has encouraged her to believe that sexual behaviour towards children is not normal?

which child is most likely to recover from abuse- the one whose mother hysterically tries to shelter her from contact with all non-related males or the one whose mother has encouraged her to believe that sexual behaviour towards children is not normal?

I understand what you are all saying - it should never be a case that we 'assume' people are abusers because they are alone and wanting to be around people.

I have over reacted in my post because I am angry with my parents. My mother does not really know, maybe because she does not want to believe it or confront it. Certainly more abuse is in the family rather than on the street and the only way to stay safe is to teach children about respecting their own bodies and about feeling they have a voice, an opinion and control.

'which child is most likely to recover from abuse- the one whose mother hysterically tries to shelter her from contact with all non-related males or the one whose mother has encouraged her to believe that sexual behaviour towards children is not normal?'

As my abuse started at 3 ,I never knew it not to be wrong until I had a sex education lesson at the age of 9.The penny weighed about a tonne when it dropped.

It's not as cut and dry as that cory.

YANBU - it's the insidious implication that if you aren't completely paranoid about abuse and spotting paedos on every corner, then you don't really care about your child that irritates me beyond belief.

I spoke to my DDs about touching and secrets when they were able to communicate at 2yrs old..

I hate the fact that abuse exists and I agree you can't live your life in a paranoid fog..but I have tried to give my children the skills and confidence to talk to me or someone about when they feel uncomfortable in a situation or to challenge someone who touches them inappropriately...pedophiles don't want trouble..

Mumcentre - what did you say to your DDs? I would like to have those conversations with my DDs.

Maybe it's a generation thing. I grew up in the 1970's / 80's. Before I was 18 I would say: (and I apologise if this sounds ridiculous):

Approximately 5 men (complete strangers in the street) flashed their genitals at me.

5 men (strangers) attempted to grope me in the street - on separate occasions I hasten to add.

A few of my 13 year old friends were "going out with" and having sex with men over 30 years of age.

When I was swimming at the Leisure Centre once, at about age 14 one of the pool attendants (age over 30) followed me into the changing rooms making leering remarks and asking me out.

I went on a school week long trip where most of the sixth form boys targeted the 4th form girls for sex.

On my first holiday away with some friends (age 16), we met a group of similar aged people. One of their dad's kept hassling me for sex.

I don't think there is a paedophile on every corner, but I do think young people need to be aware.

To say there are no dangers and young girls particularly shouldn't worry to me is misguided.

I would in hindsight categorise some of these people as paedophiles.

Is it a generation thing, or has all this kind of behaviour magically stopped.

Sounds like my 'normal' teenage years ellina.

Exactly. Most dcs are going to come across inappropriate advances from inappropriate people in their childhood. They need to know how to deal with this, not deny it's going to happen.

I have taught my DDs to name body parts the vagina, the breasts, the anus, the penis, I have told them that these places are good, they are special?but they are private. "Other people are not allowed to touch them?not even me or their daddy and not even a doctor unless mummy or daddy is there and has said it's ok...

be honest.. tell them some grown-ups do bad things and that not even a child has to obey anyone who tells her to do something that she feels uncomfortable with or that feels wrong

It is never alright for an adult to ask them to keep a secret from their parents. it is always alright for them to tell?even if they have promised not to...and that they will never get in trouble for telling ...they would make me very happy and proud and I will always believe them.

No matter what they are told or threatened with they will not get into trouble...they should always tell and mummy and daddy will protect and love them...

That seems good advice to me Mumcentre. It just bewilders me that some people think this is paranoia.

and you don't just say this once..when it comes up again repeat it...in your own way make them feel like they can talk to you and you will not judge them...abusers thrive on the fact that children do not talk and are ashamed or afraid..

They giggle and they get a bit shy but they do tell...

There was an incident at school and they both told me about it..they were worried about daddy finding out ..I reassured them that I will tell daddy and well done for telling no one has the right to upset you even if they are playing... we informed the school and it was dealt with...I hope they will always be confident enough to tell me if something happens

I think sexual abuse is common, just not the stranger abduction kind. I know three people who have been abused as kids (people close to me not someone i have heard about from a friend of a friend) The abusers were, a grandad, a great uncle, and a teenage brother.

I think Pagwatch and mumcentreplus have the right approach.

Being paranoid about letting your kids out to play is unjustified. You do have to be aware that the people you think you can trust to leave your kids with may not be all they seem. The only way to counter it is to educate your kids and make them aware that they can confide in you.

I think there's lots of sensible points raised on this thread.

It always astounds me when parents won't let their children out to play in the street, but will let their children get picked up from school by people they barely know. Hmm, because paedos can only be strangers then...?

The rule in our house (that my children chant as their mantra) is:

"I don't go anywhere, with anyone, without checking with my mum."

This means, they go out to play but they must always check with me - so that I know where they are. That means they don't go back to anyone's house, or off to the park or anywhere without checking with me. To me, this is the best thing I can do to keep my daughters safe - from known and unknown people.

We also do the no secrets, mummy will believe you etc things as well.