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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ELCS - Tricky In-Laws situation

37 replies

redpickle · 07/02/2011 15:25

I'm booked in for a CS in two weeks. My ILs will be staying at our house to look after 3yo DD and help out. My husband currently can't drive due to health issues so they will be doing a lot of ferrying around (hospital 40mins away). Thing is, I would like to see my DD in the afternoon of CS, and want her to meet the new baby but I'd rather not see them (especially FIL) while I'm still numb, haven't had a shower, trying to feed etc. They turned up the evening my daughter was born and I had a boob out, blood on my dressing gown and sick in my hair. It did not feel good to have them there for a hour.

Is it unfair to expect them to bring my DD to hospital and wait in Costa, without coming in, then take her and DH home?

OP posts:

chickencrisps · 07/02/2011 15:26

yes pretty unreasonable imo

BecauseItoldYouSo · 07/02/2011 15:27

Ummmmm....nope it would be rude. Either wait until you are washed, showered, etc. Get a friend to bring your DD or suck it up!

chickencrisps · 07/02/2011 15:29

basically you are saying you are good enough to come and help and do the work when i want you to, but not good enough to see the new baby until I tell you you can

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2011 15:29

I don't think it's unreasonable. They might be a bit disappointed but as long as they can visit on the next occasion, even if it's just for a few minutes to see you and baby then they should be ok with that.

Get your DH to explain it to them that you'll be feeling awful and you will barely manage DD and DH just afterwards. Oh and make sure he settles them into Costa and buys their coffees.

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 15:29

I dont suppose they are going to expect you to look like you have had a makeover.

saffy85 · 07/02/2011 15:30

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do... but it would be a leeetle bit unreasonable considering the rather big favour they are doing you.

Like I said I can see your side in this- the only person I would let see me after DD was born other than DP was my own mum

TheVisitor · 07/02/2011 15:32

Why don't you wait till the next day for your DD to be brought in, then you'll be feeling clean, not numb anymore and you'll have had time to get your head together. You'll be morphined reet up in the afternoon. That solves the problem completely.

shirazgirl · 07/02/2011 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelHMum · 07/02/2011 15:33

Yes you are being unreasonable - the hospital will have a set visiting time and so you can make sure you are tidy and refreshed before they arrive.
Take baby wipes with you if you don't think you'll feel up to showering first.

Your inlaws will probably be very excited and proud and want to see the new baby too. It sounds like they are helping you out an awful lot here and a bit of goodwill will go a long way.

plantsitter · 07/02/2011 15:35

Blimey I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! Maybe have a chat with your MIL and say that the first time DD meets the new baby you'd like it just to be her so she doesn't have to share the new baby with anyone so would they mind not coming in that first time. Then explain that of course you'd like to see them the following day (and maybe make sure they're the first people other than you, DH and DD to meet the baby).

MorticiaAddams · 07/02/2011 15:37

I think in this case you are being unreasonable but understand the reasons why.

Can't you ask your husband to clean you up before they come if you know what time they will be coming?

cakeywakey · 07/02/2011 15:38

I think YABU in that they'll be at the hospital. Have you spoken to your DH about it to agree something you would feel comfortable with? Perhaps they could pop in for ten mintues to see the new baby and say congrats and then go to Costa?

Anyway, you may not be out of theatre and/or recovery in time for visiting hours anyway depending on where you are on the list and how many EMCS are being done that day.

I wasn't morphined up after my ELCS TheVistor, couldn't feel most of my body but was lucid as anything

pumperspumpkin · 07/02/2011 15:39

I would seriously consider what the Visitor says - just arrange for your DD to come in say the next morning. You don't know what time your op will be anyway - at our hospital you get there for 8am and my ELCS was first in the queue at about 9.30am - my friend had to wait for others in the queue, plus emergencies obviously, and it was nearly 2pm by the time she was in theatre - add an hour in theatre, plus a couple of hours in recovery. You can't see anyone in recovery (except DH) and you'll be there for a couple of hours and you will be morphined up. You can't guarantee when anyone will be able to see you that day anyway.

Having said all of that if you do decide to go for that day then I do think you'd be a bit unreasonable to say they couldn't pop in and meet their new grandchild even if it's only for a few minutes at the end.

pumperspumpkin · 07/02/2011 15:40

I was completely out of it on morphine - I felt perfectly fine at the time but afterwards realised I had been woozy and there are large chunks of the day I cannot actually remember.

MadamDeathstare · 07/02/2011 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NacMacFeegle · 07/02/2011 15:41

PIL brought DD to me when DS1 was about 45 mins old (home birth) and DH made them wait in the garden. In my defence, I didn't even have my knickers on at that point! I don't think it is unreasonable, after major surgery you want your immediate family (DH and DD) and noone else.

It might be better if they got a taxi over though.

Original poster

redpickle · 07/02/2011 15:41

Well, it sounds like I am being selfish. Is it ok to ask them to give us 20 mins, just with DD and baby before they come up? My MIL is rather 'loud' and OTT and I really just want a peaceful introduction for my little girl - she is a sensitive soul.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 07/02/2011 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorticiaAddams · 07/02/2011 15:43

That sounds like a good compromise and I couldn't see why anybody would be offended by that.

Sariska · 07/02/2011 15:44

I don't think YANBU either and I don't think my PIL would either.

It's not the same situation but my PIL live locally and looked after DS while I had DD. DH brought DS in to meet DD the afternoon of the day she was born. PIL waited until we were home the next day before meeting her. I wanted that first day to be just the four of us. And, frankly, I think that is a perfectly acceptable want.

If your PIL were bringing just DH, and not DD as well, to the hospital to see you would they still expect to meet the new arrival?

cakeywakey · 07/02/2011 15:44

Of course it's ok to ask them to give you some time! They should respect that anyway. Perhaps they should wait with a coffee until DH comes to get them for a very short visit, and DD can introduce them to her new baby brother or sister? (Thinking about it, that's what we did. My MIL had said that she wanted to be outside the theatre door so I know where you're coming from.)

Filmbuffmum · 07/02/2011 15:46

Could you ask your husband to wheel the baby round to the visitors area for a few minutes while you have a cuddle with DD? I'm sure if you explain to the PILs in advance, and they get to see the new baby (even if only for a few minutes) they would understand, and perhaps DD would like a little attention just from Mummy. Just a thought.

OhCobblers · 07/02/2011 15:47

completely understand your reasons why but i'm afraid it would be unreasonable and unfair to expect them to bring her (40 mins there and back) and not see their new grandchild.

I completely appreciate that the first time they saw DD was not at all ideal but it doesn't have to be like that this time round. you'll be more prepared i'm sure. having just seen your latest post of 15.41, i think that is a much nicer way of doing it.

surely thats a win win situation?

by the way, much luck with the CS and bringing DC2 into the world!

taintedpaint · 07/02/2011 15:47

That does sound like a sensible compromise, I agree, but I would wait for the next day as well. You will be much more comfortable and hopefully rested.

I agree with the majority, you would be quite unreasonable to expect them to do that fairly long journey and not allow them a look and a cuddle with the new little one.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 07/02/2011 15:47

Oh you aren't being selfish at all! I really think that it is fine for decide how and who with you want to introduce your children to each other. I agree with waiting till next day though, you will want to give your dd a hug etc. But I can't see why Ils couldn't wait in costa for a few mins to let your dd meet baby first and then join you. Just say you don't want her to be overwhelmed etc. Hope all goes well!

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