ELCS - Tricky In-Laws situation

[redpickle]

I'm booked in for a CS in two weeks. My ILs will be staying at our house to look after 3yo DD and help out. My husband currently can't drive due to health issues so they will be doing a lot of ferrying around (hospital 40mins away). Thing is, I would like to see my DD in the afternoon of CS, and want her to meet the new baby but I'd rather not see them (especially FIL) while I'm still numb, haven't had a shower, trying to feed etc. They turned up the evening my daughter was born and I had a boob out, blood on my dressing gown and sick in my hair. It did not feel good to have them there for a hour.

Is it unfair to expect them to bring my DD to hospital and wait in Costa, without coming in, then take her and DH home?

Hospital will prob only allow a few visitors at a time so why don't you say that just DD and DH can be with you at first and so the IL's will have to wait outside (which is prob true anyway?) and then they can see baby after that? Another option is for DH to take baby out to see ILs (if hospital allows) and he can say to his parents "redpickle is feeling very tired and needs a sleep but I've brought the baby out to see you".

It makes total sense to keep DD's introduction to her baby brother/sister a private moment without loud ILs around!

you might not be allowed both your DD and DH and your in-laws there? Maybe that's your excuse? Let DD and DH visit for 20 mins or so then you PILs to pop in for 5 mins while DH takes DD to the car?

I think if they are close enough to your family to stay for a week and help then its unreasonable to not let them say a quick hello to their new grandchild. You aren't being selfish though. Not at all.

YABU, or at least a bit unrealistic I think, to plan for your daughter to meet her new sibling on the day of the section.

As someone else said, you cannot know what time you will be available for her visit, so it is unfair on everyone to make a plan for something that might not be possible.

With an ELCS - I don't know if you had one last time? apologies if I'm telling you what you know - it is quite often the case that you get "bumped" for an emergency case, or simply stuck in recovery for a few hours until a bed opens up. Both of those things happened to us. We were "first on the list" for that day, but ended up not getting to theatre until lunchtime and not to a bed on the ward until early evening. It was fine, we were really comfy in recovery with DD, but we wouldn't have been allowed to have our little boy visit there! He came the next day along with ILs and everything was much calmer then.

Personally I think you owe it to your older child to make a realistic plan that maximises the chances of her seeing you looking calm and settled.

But following on from whoever said you're likely to be throwing up: I really don't think that is most people's experience. I've had both sorts of CS and wasn't sick with either, same with many mothers I know. CS recovery can be tough or problem-free, like everything, there's a spectrum. Hopefully you will be totally fine :)

Meant to say, though, that I completely relate to you not wanting the ILs there when you're in a state - YANBU at all about that. I'd feel the same in your shoes. I just don't think that it needs to be an issue if you plan for everyone to visit the next day.

I think second time around you just need to 'manage' this a bit more.

I would say it is a bit U to ask them to stay and look after DD and help etc. but not let them see new baby, especially if they have to ferry DH and DD to hospital. However, you can manage how it happens.

If I were you I would coach DH to say he is going in first with DD, then when he comes back (to Costa or wherever) they can all go in. That way DH can make sure you're ready and reasonably cleaned up etc. rather than being surprised.

Then also ask nurses to say only 5 minutes please as you've had major surgery, and they will probably come and hint when the 5 minutes is up anyway.

It's also really important that your DH understands his 'part' in this and knows he needs to be reading your signals re tiredness/wellbeing etc. and agrees to manage their visit as well.

D

My parents looked after ds1 when I had ds2 by elective c section and bought him up to the hospital at visiting time. Dh met them at the entrance and they gave us 10 mins or so to spend together and then came up, as we had previously arranged. They have already said they will do the same this time. I think you would be a bit unreasonable to get them to bring your daughter and hang around but not to offer them the chance to meet their new grandchild in the circumstances you describe, but it would be perfectly reasonable to state that you want your dd to meet her sibling before anyone else does so could they give you 20 mins or so before coming in.

Yep, YABU.

I think your 'compromise' is, too.

It really says to me, 'You're good enough to do the grunt work, now piss off.'

Have them come round the next day with your DD.

I have a son, if he marries someone as precious as you are, he can count on not having me around much. 'Do our dirty work, but wifey thinks you're not good enough otherwise (too loud, OTT, what have you), so we'll be limiting time with your grandchild.'

You must think they're really stupid not to see through that act! They'd have to be morons not to pick up on that, which they're not.

I'll know if he's been coached, too.

I'd never infringe on my DIL after she has a baby. I have two daughters as well.

But at the same time, it's pretty rude to accept their offer of help and then put up all sorts of rules about seeing their grandchild.

Which is why if my son marries and his wife has children, I won't be offering to help with his kids - she can get her own mother in to deal with it.

I second FilmBuffMum's idea. Then they get to see the baby but not you and your dd gets some special time too.
You may not be ready at all though that day, or you might, it is very personal.
My first (em)cs was at 10.30 and I was fine seeing 10 people that evening. My second (el)cs was planned for 7am but did not happen til 3.30 and I was really sick that evening and did not feel like seeing anyone except dh/dd.

Nurses and midwifes are not bouncers or security people, either. They have enough on their plate without rubbish like this.

Yanbu but I'd say younprobanly can't have it both ways. Could your husband and daughter take public transport?

Actually I think YANBU. I felt like a zoo animal after my first cs with everyone hanging around the bed . I refused visitors second time around.

Can you explain to them that you will be feeling pretty fragile after the op and would they be ok with a very quick peek and cuddle then to leave you, your DH and your dc's in peace for a while.