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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not lend money to my sisters?

35 replies

Lainey1981 · 07/02/2011 13:07

Have just had a text from my younger sister asking if I canlend her £25 until Monday. This is a regular thing, and I always say yes as she is 19 and has 11mo dd. Mostly i get the money back sometimes not.
My other sister who is older than me and has 4 dds asks to borrow mkney off me at least once a month usually around 80-100. She is on benefits but always runs out of money as her 'd'h is an acoholic and takes her money for drimk etc.
She also borrows from other people all the time and is therefore in a viscious circle of having to pay the miney back and being left short again as a result, so borrows ( repeat to fade).
Until recently I would never expect the money back as I feel bad if her dds don't eat. But started to want fo borrow more regularly like she was expecting it, so would ask for it back when she could afford. Tend to get it back in dribs and drabs.

Now, it's not so much the money as i work full time( on mat leabe currently) but the fact that I only seem to hear from them when they want money, and it's always requested by text as they are too embarrassed to phone me.

I am fed up of feeling used, and that I never get anything back from them in return ( ie support/ advice/ company as just had first dc aged 10 weeks).

AIBU to say no even though I have the money?

Sorry for long ramble

OP posts:
Original poster
Lainey1981 · 07/02/2011 13:08

Apols for typos etc , blimming ipad!

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2011 13:11

I would ext them both and state that from now on you are not the family bank and all borrowing is off limits

MorticiaAddams · 07/02/2011 13:11

YANBU. They are adults and responsible for their own finances.

If you feel uncomfortable with a straight no just make something up about bills, etc gone up, extra heating, blah blah blah, no spare money.

miniwedge · 07/02/2011 13:12

say no. They are taking the piss, my sil got to the stage where she was texting to "borrow" money.

After I said no we stopped hearing from her at all, which is sad but also rather telling.

They are both adults but they are acting like children wanting pocket money, the longer you act as a cash cow for them the longer they will go on depending on others to finance them.

gramercy · 07/02/2011 13:13

Agree. Quick text saying that as you are on maternity pay your financial situation is tight and sorry, please no more requests for loans.

SNOWBall4girlz · 07/02/2011 13:13

Me too.
I would text and say sorry a bit short myself at the mo not that you should have to make excuses. :(

compo · 07/02/2011 13:13

I'd text them and say now that you're on maternity leave you can't afford to subsidise them anymore
where's your parents in all this? Why don't they ask them for financial help?

scurryfunge · 07/02/2011 13:15

Point your older sister in the direction of a support group for families of alcoholics.

Be firm and tell them both you cannot keep financing them.

NoSoapInADirtyWar · 07/02/2011 13:16

say no you are tight for money yourself

I never lend anyone money and never ask to borrow money from people either.

Do you live close to each other? If you do you could have them round for tea/ lunch one day.

I think regularly lending people money does them no favours to be honest.

I have been in a situation in the past where I have had no money for meter/food (shortly after I left ex) and I went into bank for a temporary, short term increase on my overdraft, took some dvds to CEX.

zipzap · 07/02/2011 13:17

or text them and say you are running a bit short and could you borrow a tenner from them Grin

Original poster
Lainey1981 · 07/02/2011 13:17

Right just text and said sorry am skint.
Feel bad for lying and wish I had the guts to say I feel used Sad.
I would like to have sisters that were interested in me but think they find it hard to relate me as my life is v different to theirs. They both had dc at 18 and are on benefits and struggling, but with no effort to find jobs etc
Whereas I was 28 when i had first dc, i get told am high and mighty Confused when try to advise them to maybe not go out to the pub one week so have more money for essentials.

OP posts:
radiohelen · 07/02/2011 13:17

YANBU.

You are enabling them. Stop it - or do it in a way that doesn't involve cash.

Your younger sister has responsibilities and needs to learn that she can't just magic up money to save her ass. Offer to set up a savings account for her little one and make regular (small) payments - maybe that might ease the blow.

Your older sister has a problem. If you are worried about them having enough food (ffs this is the 21st century and I'm typing that!!) then Sainos do a card you can load with cash from the computer. Otherwise I would say no - all the time you sub her the cash you perpetuate the cycle she's in.

Don't expect to cut them off and get any thanks though. People get cross when you take away their supply!

Original poster
Lainey1981 · 07/02/2011 13:17

zipzap Grin

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 07/02/2011 13:21

YABU.

You are a great sister and they are asking you because they know you will give it. I've had similar issues with my sister. I got to the same point as you, and someone asked me a very good question: why would your sister ever stop spending money she doesn't have if you keep bailing her out?

I stopped lending money and my sister changed her life for the better. If I were you I would give your sisters a warning, so they know you aren't going to do it anymore.

I said something along the lines of "I can lend you some this month, but I'm sorry I can't do it any more" You don't owe them any further explanations.

I know it's hard to do but in the long run it will make them sort out their lives.

Original poster
Lainey1981 · 07/02/2011 13:23

Good point quicklook
Maybe i'll have a Wine tonight and build up the courage to let them know, or send them a text and turn my phone off forever Hmm

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 07/02/2011 13:24

text ack and ask if they would like help with their budgeting Wink doubt they will take you up on the offer and they may decline to aks again.

if you feel bad at any point then cook a sheapards pie or similar and take aroudn, say you had stuff in freezer so although your skint you had food to share

TotorosOcarina · 07/02/2011 13:25

YANBU i get this alot, even though we are skint and on benefit but we just manage our money well!

I'm not doing it any more, as a week turns into 2, turns into 3 and then I'M left feeling embarressed because I have to ask for it when I need it back. Then I end up feeling bad cause they have to 'find it' cause I want it Hmm

cakeywakey · 07/02/2011 13:26

If you carry on giving them money they will always expect it. Be prepared for them to
get nasty or try some emotional blackmail with you when/if you cut the £ though.

You are not responsible for them or their children - it sounds like they could be doing a lot more to make their situation better. You are responsible for you and your DC - that's your priority now. Good luck.

mummc2 · 07/02/2011 13:28

by keep giving them money they arent facing upto their problems just avoiding them by thinking their situations dont need to change they just need a bit of money!!

Tell them you have your own financial responsibilities now (dc) and you cant keep supporting their family problems. If they dont contact you other than for money then they just see you as a bank!! it may not be nice to hear but it sounds true!

HattiFattner · 07/02/2011 13:30

My sister did this. I was kind and said pay me back when you can. I have never received a penny back. She owes me £1k. Over 7 years ago.

SHe has borrowed from every member of our family and to my knowledge, never paid anyone back. I have notime for her and her pleading poverty. Amazingly they always have money for computer games and ciggies and booze. FUnny that.....

FabbyChic · 07/02/2011 13:31

It is easy to live within your means, you just budget accordingly.

Thousands if not millions live adequately on benefits, it is not supposed to keep you in luxury but just the bare minimum to survive.

Lots do it about time they learned they have to to.

Tell them you are on reduced pay and cannot afford it.

MandyC2 · 07/02/2011 13:35

Woah! You're putting up with a lot! I'd say stop the sisterly bank-esp for your older sister. That's just not fair.

Plus, neither of your sisters will become independant if they know you'll always be there. I'd say leave them to it, and if you see them in real, desperate situation, then lend them the money.
x

BootyMum · 07/02/2011 13:38

I agree with posters who say you need to be firm and set boundaries. The longer you facilitate your sister's financial dependence the longer it will continue and gives them absolutely no incentive to sort their own shit out. I mean they are both adults with children, fgs, grow the fuck up! [them, not you!]

DH had/has the same issue with his older brother. Brother does not work due to depression and back problems, his wife does. When they are flush they have money for brand new widescreen tv, holidays, meals out, weekly cleaner, etc. When unexpected bills crop up, brother is on the phone to my DH asking for "loans" [which may or may not get paid back] for food or medicine for their son. It really gets on my nerves as DH and I have crappy old tv and have decided not to have cleaner as we want to save money for rainy day not piss it up against the wall. However brother has such an attitude of entitlement and guilt trips DH into giving money as he is manipulated into feeling responsible somehow for brother's plight Hmm

Anyway, hey ho, I have been slowly winning DH around to my way of thinking - that he is not doing brother and SIL any favours by faciliting their financial dependence on him [mustn't be good for their self esteem imo], also that we are being affected by giving money we can't really afford, also affects our relationship with them as we end up feeling resentful.

So imo I feel you should let sisters take care of themselves financially and should instead support them in a more emotional sense as they may struggle to change their freeloading ways and lack of financial responsibility ...

LittleOneMum · 07/02/2011 15:44

Agree with everyone else.
I have a sister like this - and I recently realised that me and our parents bailing her out all the time does her no favours at all.

Original poster
Lainey1981 · 07/02/2011 16:42

So text sent 3 hours ago and no reply. Guess it says it all really.

They suck and I'm sad about that, but not much I can do to change them.

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