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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents not helping

38 replies

NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 12:17

I'm sure I am BU by MN standards but I'm pissed off and don't feel in the slightest bit U, but up for a row so flame away....

Bit of background. Both parents are in the late 50's, good health, retired. They are housesitting near me this week, so by their own admission have "nothing to do".

I have two young DC and I am heavily pregnant with crippling pelvic pain. DH is overseas.

We will be joining DH overseas once the baby has arrived so I have a lot to do. It should have been manageable but the pelvis pain is making things a struggle. I have seen a physio and the helpfiul advice is not to use stairs (our house has four stories), do not drive (school is 5 miles a way) don't lift anything heavier than a bag of sugar (did I mention the move?!)

My parents keep offering to help, telling everyone how much they are helping and what wonderful people they are, but when being specifically requested to do something they don't.

This morning my dad came round for something and I asked him if he could just carry the hoover upstairs for me. He know's I can't carry, he knows I am not supposed to hoover, do you think he could just have whipped the hoover over the kids bedrooms for me? No chance!

Arghhhhh!

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/02/2011 12:21

YANBU in the slightest. Do you think your parents don't want you and DC to leave the country? Perhaps it's their perverse way of letting you know that you'll be coping alone in the future?

Original poster
NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 12:27

kreecher if only!

We lived overseas before so are just returning so to speak. I really think they just don't care and are lazy. Which I could live with. If they didn't spend their whole time banging on about how much they do for me....

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 07/02/2011 12:28

Do you ask them specifically to do a job?

MommyMayhem · 07/02/2011 12:30

Although YANBU, men just don't think like that. They need to be told. What do you think he would have said if you said, "please can you just run the hoover around for me?"

cantspel · 07/02/2011 12:31

maybe they read AIBU and dont want to see a thread about they "taking over"

if you wanted him to hoover upstairs then your should have asked.

bubblewrapped · 07/02/2011 12:35

you asked him to carry the hoover upstairs.. did he do that?

you did not ask him to hoover, so YABU to expect him to do that..

Original poster
NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 12:43

Ok I didn't specifically ask him to hoover - just why wouldn't you???

I have however asked them both to do a number of specific little jobs. E.g last week when they kept saying "now if there is anything I can do, just say, we are here and happy to help blah blah blah" I gave them each a couple of suggestions of things that they could do.

But thet don't say ok we'll do that they just carry on with the empty promises. And I feel like I am nagging if I have to ask more than twice.

OP posts:
juuule · 07/02/2011 12:47

Don't 'suggest' ask. That's what they've told you to do.

And don't be afraid to ask more than once.

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 12:48

Put them on the spot. don't 'make suggestions', don't assume they will just help out.

They have offered to help so ring them up and say "You know you offered to help? Well I have been told not to lift and I need some things to be carried upstairs. Can you come round and do it please?" Short and simple request. If they come and help, great. If they don't, then you have a definite example of them Not Helping and you can point it out to them when they try to be all 'oh but we are such a help'...

swanandduck · 07/02/2011 12:53

Have you any other specific examples? There could be just lack of communication. I bet if your Mum had carried the hoover upstairs she would have plugged it in and finished the job.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 07/02/2011 13:02

Nancy - YANBU

It's the banging on about how much they help, when they don't, that's pissing you off huh :(

I think you have to say as much!

Things like your Dad & the hoover though - lots of MEN people just don't think beyond what you have specifically asked them to do. Be specific.

Call them up - say 'You have offered to help and I would really appreciate it - so could you please come around this afternoon' then when they get there be very specific about what you need - no room for misunderstanding, then if they don't do it - ask them why they haven't done it.

Call them on it.

chickencrisps · 07/02/2011 14:33

but if dad had started hoovering you would be moaning oh i dunno why he hoovered, i hadnt finished putting up the shelves and there's dust all over again now, or something similar. he isnt a mind reader i am presuming.

If you want something specific done, ask them.

Original poster
NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 14:44

chicken I really wouldn't have.

Ok here is an example: He was at my house a couple of weeks ago.

I said I'd be really grateful if you could change the hallogen bulbs that have blown in the main bathroom. Two needed changing - he changed one. There are only four in total!

When I say I've made suggestions it's along the lines of:

Mum: well we are here we can do whatever you need.
Me: Well it would be really helpful if you could do some ironing - maybe you could take it back to the house do it whenever it suits.
Mum: yes erm of course.

never mentioned again.....

The trouble is with my mum (particularly) the gap between how she perceives herself (some sort of latter day saint) and the reality is so huuuuuge that calling them on it would start WWIII so I grin and bear it.

(and now rant on MN!)

OP posts:
ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 07/02/2011 14:54

Rant away then :)

Soon they'll be too far away to be a pain in the arse on a daily basis Wink

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2011 15:22

OP... Couldn't your Mum have done the ironing at your house rather than take it back to hers to return to you later?

Perhaps she wanted to spend some time with you... ironing is perfect for that.

It's odd that you say your parents want to help but they won't. Who are they talking to about their helpfulness anyway?

Could you send them a text maybe? Some people are just better with written requests than verbal ones... Confused

Original poster
NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 16:06

Thanks all - I am heartened by the response. MN first perhaps: parents should do more.

Lying I suggested she took it away as this would be her preference.

We have a fairly strained relationship (can you tell Grin ) and I just about make peace with the fact they are unhelpful and self centred but then they do this whole big offers of help and I start to think "oh that's nice"....

Mum will speak to my sibblings or my grandmother about how much they have been doing and then I will get a call (serious if from grandmother, ripping piss if from sibs along the lines of "and I hear your mum has been an amazing help...")

OP posts:
not1not2 · 07/02/2011 16:16

My Mums' the same

I havn't found a way round it

sagpuss · 07/02/2011 16:24

very aggravating for you.
I'd let the not hoovering go - I wouldn't hoover in someone else's house unless asked as it seems a bit rude to me.

My dad and his wife are a bit like this. One thing that sometimes works is finding something they might enjoy doing and asking htem to do that rather than the top priority boring chores. E.g in their case, a bit of gardening, cooking.

But basically, if they aren't helpful I don't think there's much you can do about it and it's sometimes easier on yourself to lower your expectations. At least your siblings know the situation so you can have a laugh about it.

hairylights · 07/02/2011 16:27

Yabu. You didn't ask him to Hoover. Parents are entitled to choose if they help or not. Your kids, your choice. Can't belive anyone would think "parents should help more". They've done their child raising.

Fiddledee · 07/02/2011 16:48

Pay for some help - can you do this. Get a mother's help a few hours a day. Tell your mum that you need one as they don't help.

Write a list for your mum about the things that urgently need doing that you can't do.

My ILs do the same come over to help and they end up creating more work for me to do - cooking lunch/dinner for them when they come. Pain during pregnancy is awful, that plus being effectively a single parent with the prospective of a big move with 3 kids I'm not surprised you are ranting.

I would rant at your mum calmly.

expatinscotland · 07/02/2011 16:52

I'd hire in help and basically keep myself emotionally distant from them.

zipzap · 07/02/2011 17:04

Talk to your gran about 'the possibility that mum is coming down with dementia or some other such illness - she keeps promising to help me, I'm still waiting as she hasn't so much lifted a finger and yet she thinks she's done loads. Do you think she's slowly going mad and forgetting what she has and hasn't done and is mixing up reality and what she says she will do???'

If nothing else it will be an interesting discussion with your gran and a way of maybe getting back to your gran that your mum isn't the saint she likes to believe she is!

anonymosity · 07/02/2011 17:12

YANBU
I had the same. Was 8 months pregnant with my DH overseas for several weeks, also I had bronchitis and a 1 yr old.
They decided not to come over at all during that time, in case they caught anything. Sad

Bluebell99 · 07/02/2011 21:03

I think YABU. I agree with hairylights, and they have done their childraising. If they want to help you that's one thing, but you seem to think you have some right to their help. I take it you are a grown up?! I hope when my kids are grown up, I will be able to help them, but you just sound self centred.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 07/02/2011 21:13

Next time you see your mum, you should hand her a black bin liner & say (with a smile!):

"There's the ironing you said you would do for me. Thanks so much for this" Grin