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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents not helping

38 replies

NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 12:17

I'm sure I am BU by MN standards but I'm pissed off and don't feel in the slightest bit U, but up for a row so flame away....

Bit of background. Both parents are in the late 50's, good health, retired. They are housesitting near me this week, so by their own admission have "nothing to do".

I have two young DC and I am heavily pregnant with crippling pelvic pain. DH is overseas.

We will be joining DH overseas once the baby has arrived so I have a lot to do. It should have been manageable but the pelvis pain is making things a struggle. I have seen a physio and the helpfiul advice is not to use stairs (our house has four stories), do not drive (school is 5 miles a way) don't lift anything heavier than a bag of sugar (did I mention the move?!)

My parents keep offering to help, telling everyone how much they are helping and what wonderful people they are, but when being specifically requested to do something they don't.

This morning my dad came round for something and I asked him if he could just carry the hoover upstairs for me. He know's I can't carry, he knows I am not supposed to hoover, do you think he could just have whipped the hoover over the kids bedrooms for me? No chance!

Arghhhhh!

OP posts:

FattyArbuckel · 07/02/2011 21:24

I like the idea of giving your parents a full list of the help you need and asking if there is anything they would like to help you with.

Then buy in help for the rest. Pelvic pain is awful, I feel sorry for you

minxofmancunia · 07/02/2011 21:26

OP YANBU, I feel your pain, my mum is deluded in this aspect too. She thinks she's some sort of saintly being but the reality is until recently the words "chocolate" and "fireguard" would have been more apt.

We have had a couple of explosive rows about it, where I've been straight with her and refused to back down (she can be a bit of a bully). She's v helpful these days and I'm grateful for it. I think if you're near enough, fit and have the time then you should help your family, I don't buy all this "they've had their children" bullshit. I'm not talking 24hr nanny/cleaners I'm talking a bit of constructive help here and there. I'll be doing it for my dcs when they have kids. Not to do it is selfish.

Original poster

NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 22:33

Thanks for all the positive comments and advice. Expat you are absolutely right and zipzap if only I had the nerve...!

bluebell I'd love you to explain what it is about my behaviour that you think is "self centred"

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Original poster

NancyDrewHasaClue · 07/02/2011 22:36

Oh and minx I don't buy the "I've had my kids" stuff either - and as for my parents if that is how they feel that is one thing: but stop pretending you are keeping me afloat when I have seen you 6 times since I got pregnant

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expatinscotland · 07/02/2011 22:38

I like the idea of telling Granny you think Mum's losing her marbles, too.

And getting the word out on that.

Cow.

Bluebell99 · 08/02/2011 11:41

I'm sorry to hear about your pelvic pain, but don't think you should have children assumming your parents will help you. And I speak as someone who has had no help at all with my children. I had a cs with my first child and my mother came to stay and did nothing to help, apart from the odd cup of tea. She didn't want to cook as she said she didn't know what we liked to eat, so basically she just had a little holiday at my house with me cooking for her!! She wouldn't change nappies as she was too nervous to hold the baby. She did no housework!
So while I would agree with you that it would be wonderful if they wanted to help, unfortunately many of us just have to get on with it ourselves. And it is very frustrating when you see other people with helpful parents, but alot of us just have to cope. I left home at 18 and ceased to have any expectations that my family would look after me, which is just as well, as they haven't!!

coccyx · 08/02/2011 11:55

Your kids, your housework.... Why do they have to help?????

FabbyChic · 08/02/2011 11:58

Why should parents do more are we not adults, have they not done enough in bringing us up? Once you set out into the world on your own two feet let the parents be so they can have their lives back again.

All this the parents do nothing shit really bakes my noodles.

Why do they have to do anything?

You want something done ask them outright if they don't do it or say no then maybe moan. But assuming they that should help is bollocks.

frgr · 08/02/2011 12:02

"asked him if he could just carry the hoover upstairs for me. He know's I can't carry, he knows I am not supposed to hoover, do you think he could just have whipped the hoover over the kids bedrooms for me? No chance!"

YABU.

You didn't ask for him to hoover, you asked for him to carry it up the stairs.

You also seem to think it's their duty to help out. It's not, they'd be granting you a favour.

A lovely, helpful, not-forgotten favour, but - their child rearing days are over.

YOU chose to have children; YOU chose to go abroad; YOUR DH has chosen to be away during this stressful time. Poor planning.

Maybe you are taking your own frustrations out on your parents because it's just easier to vilify them, rather than look at how you ended up in the situation where you resent them for not helping out in your normal day to day life.

expatinscotland · 08/02/2011 12:03

'Why should parents do more are we not adults, have they not done enough in bringing us up?'

Because they love and cherish their children even their adults?

Because most mothers don't want to see their child in pain and suffering and will do what they can to help their child, even if she's an adult, if and when she is ill or in pain and struggling.

Because they like their child and enjoy their company and get pleasure out of being there for them.

Because they realise that life is precious and too short so value your loved ones everyday, some parents don't get the priviledge of seeing their children grow up to adulthood.

They see being able to help as a blessing from God.

What a concept!

expatinscotland · 08/02/2011 12:05

Yes, I know mine will make mistakes and get into bad situations.

God willing, I'll be nearby and still alive and able to help them.

Because I love them and want them to know I will always be there for them as much as I can.

LineRunner · 08/02/2011 12:31

NancyDrew, hi, I guess you are more frustrated by the divergence between what your parents offer to do (and say they do), and what they actually do, than the lack of hoovering. Family dynamics often mean a script is being written for you that you don't like and don't want. Just try to manage the situation using some of the good tips above. Be explicit in your requests. Tell them you'll miss them when you're away.

Original poster

NancyDrewHasaClue · 08/02/2011 13:06

I didn't have my children expecting my parents to help and I certainly don't think it is their duty to do so.

Although I do find it odd that they don't want to help because I am obviously going through a bit of a difficult time. I can't imagine not wanting to help anyone I know who was struggling, much less my own DC.

But my main issue is the pretence on their part that they do lots when they do bugger all. It is just so bloody infuriating.

FGR this isn't "normal day to day life though". Normal day to day life would be me and my DH together. Because of a high risk pregnancy I have to be in the UK. No option, therefore no resentment. I am glad to be here. Even if that wasn't the case, my current physical limitations aren't "normal day to day life".

Expat I really don't dare tell my gran. there would be hell to pay, although the -thought has amused me over the past 24 hours

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