Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to really not mind if we have another baby? (long)

26 replies

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 09:48

We already have 11 DC's...

No, actually we have 1 dd who is 13. We always wanted 2 dc's but dd was born with a congenital condition which may have been genetic. We waited 5 years to find out it wasn't. Then the timing just wasn't right for a new baby so we held off.

I'm now 42. 3 years ago I had my coil removed; we aren't 'actively' ttc but aren't doing anything to prevent it.

DH and I are pretty laid-back; we have a nice stable home and if a baby arrived we'd be thrilled, if it doesn't happen we won't be devastated. We both like the idea of leaving it to fate - if it happens it happens.

I am getting the feeling that if it hasn't happened by now it won't anyway!

Anyway I was chatting with a friend a couple of days a go and the subject came up, and she was HORRIFIED that we have this attitude. She said that it should be a decision, that we should either want a baby or not, that we can't really want it because we aren't trying etc etc. She finished by saying that if we don't care about having a baby would we really care about the baby itself.

At the time I was just , ok so that is her opinion. But it's been on my mind and I am actually really upset now. I do care, and if I did get pg I would be over the moon. The baby would definitely be wanted and loved. But we are realistic, chances are that it isn't going to happen and if we go all-out ttc we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. So we just want to let nature take its own way.

TBH she's made me feel like a cold heartless bitch, not caring one way or the other. I almost feel like we need to make a decision, to ttc or not. AI(we)BU to just keep on the way we are?

She is a really good friend btw, she just hasn't got a 'filter' between thinking and speaking IYKWIM. She didn't say it in a nasty way.

OP posts:

kaymondo · 07/02/2011 09:51

YANBU - i think you've got the right attitude. Like you say, if you go all out ttc and don't then you are setting yourself up for a fall. And its really none of her business!

Tabliope · 07/02/2011 09:53

Plenty of kids are happy accidents - parents weren't planning them but were thrilled when they arrived. I think you've the right attitude to it.

tabulahrasa · 07/02/2011 09:54

You have made a decision, you're ttc just not going to extra lengths to ensure it's going to happen.

Having your coil removed was a decision - as far as I see it anyway. You're not using contraception, I assume you're having sex, lol, so that's ttc isn't it.

There's nothing wrong with leaving it at that and seeing if it happens or not, not that I see anyway.

CarolinaRua · 07/02/2011 09:54

Your friend is being unreasonable, you sound totally reasonable and measured. How many unplanned babies are loved and adored so her point is a bit silly

daimbardiva · 07/02/2011 10:02

Your friend is really judgemental and don't let her upset you. Your attitude is very sensible and it sounds like you are grateful for what you have, so carry on being relaxed and what will be will be!

jeanvaljean · 07/02/2011 10:09

When people say they're leaving it up to chance, I always wonder what this means. Do you pay attention, for instance, to the days when you're ovulating? Do you make a little bit more of an attempt to have sex on those days or not? If you are then obviously there's a bit of you that has decided, perhaps subconsciously, that you do want to get pregnant.

Or perhaps people who say they're leaving it to chance just have sex every day so there's nothing to think about

roomonthebroom · 07/02/2011 10:13

YANBU at all.

In a way you are TTC, you're just not letting it totally dominate your life or set your set yourself up for disappointment every month IMO.

I'm in a similar situation myself, have a DD age 5, but have had an ectopic pregnancy, several failed IVFs and a few 'chemical pregnancies'. We have decided on no more treatment, and as there is no real 'reason' for it not happening, apart from a fluctuating sperm count, we're just going to wait and see. Amazing if it happens, not the end of the world if it doesn't.

Like you, life is happy and generally stable, and I'm not going to get myself into a position of 'wasting' my life by craving something that just might not happen. I have found that a few 'friends' quite enjoy the drama of my TTC, and say things like 'I'd be devastated if I couldn't have another baby', and are a bit disappointed that I don't feel the same way.

Of course you will love another baby if one should come along, and I think your friend was being a bit insensitive to suggest you wouldn't, particularly if she knows that you would have liked a second child, but had to put it off for the reasons you stage in your OP.

Original poster

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 10:18

Jean I have no idea when ovulation is! I just mean that we aren't using any contraception.

tabulahrasa we are having sex ttc, I would like to get pregnant, but I'm not worried about it or doing anything 'active' to make it happen. Apart from the obvious, of course.

We were just ticking along nicely and then friend hits us with this, and I am worried that other people are thinking it too.

OP posts:

Original poster

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 10:23

roomonthebroom (love the name!) - I think you're right about the friends enjoying the drama. I think you've hit the nail on the head.

My friend (call her X) knew I had the coil removed and used to ask if I had any news whenever I spoke to her (I only see her every few weeks, chat on the phone maybe every other week). I think she was secretly hoping I would have a new LO to coo over and cuddle, and she is disappointed to find out we aren't trying to make it happen!

That makes sense.

OP posts:

Tryharder · 07/02/2011 10:30

I conceived DD in exactly the way you describe. Already had 2 DCs - thought a third might be nice, but thought we'd leave it in the hands of fate. We weren't even having sex that often as I was on almost permanent night shifts and DH is so often away anyway with work.

I actually think it's better that way. I have a friend who decides she wants to conceive, she buys all the those little kits that tell you when you're most fertile and that she and her DH only have sex on those few days. My friend has been lucky and conceived straight away but IMHO, you are setting yourself up for disappointment that way.

YANBU

zikes · 07/02/2011 10:37

Like tabulahrasa said, you have made a decision by no longer using contraception. I think you've a sensible approach, letting nature take its course, as it were and not getting stressed about it.

Your friend's an idiot.

Original poster

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 10:39

I have to confess I have a little bag of pg test strips, if I am due over the weekend I do a test on Friday so I can drink with a clear conscience!

It's more a 'making sure' thing. I think I'd faint if I got 2 lines!

OP posts:

Pigglesworth · 07/02/2011 10:50

I think you have a good attitude.

I wonder if your more casual attitude has hit a nerve with your friend for some reason? Does your friend have children, do you know of any difficulties that she or someone close to her may have had in conceiving? Usually the most vociferous responses like your friend's are so passionate because the issue has hit a nerve for whatever reason, usually due to personal experience.

togarama · 07/02/2011 10:51

YANBU. I don't think that anyone on either side of my family ever sat down and made a decision to actively try to conceive.

Like you, we knew we would love a child and just stopped trying to actively prevent conception but the timing was just down to chance.

We're just not schedule people.

5DollarShake · 07/02/2011 10:55

You have got a good, healthy attitude towards TTC - your friend is totally misguided.

Please don't take her comments to heart - you sound like a lovely, caring relaxed Mum. :)

jester68 · 07/02/2011 10:59

Well neither of my 2 dds were ever planned but very much loved and wanted!

Just because you may get pregnant by accident does not mean that the baby will be unloved or unwanted.

I think what you are doing is great as you are not putting any preassure on yourself or your husband. If it happens it does, if not well at least you have your wonderfull dd.

I hope it does happen for you, but admire your attitude to it all xxxxx

kepler10b · 07/02/2011 11:00

YANBU. you have the best attitude. too many people beat themselves up over getting pregnant. you are quite happy to be pregnant if it happens but aren't going to dedicate your entire life to making it happen.

of course you would care for the baby should one arrive.

your friend needs to calm down. maybe she has her own issues though to feel this strongly?

Original poster

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 11:08

My friend doesn't have 'child' issues, she has a 14yo dd and is quite happy with jsut the one. She is going through a separation/divorce at the mo though, so maybe she's just stressed and finding fault with stuff. I don't know. I'll be ringing her in a couple of days so will have a chat then.

OP posts:

Bumpsadaisie · 07/02/2011 11:15

That sounds fine to me. If you were really desperate for another then perhaps at your age you might need to think about maximising your chances.

But as you will be happy whatever unfolds, then no need to!

Your friend is making the mistake of thinking that just because you are not TTC very consciously, that if you did get pregnancy you wouldnt love the baby as much as one you had obsessed over TTCing. But it doesn't work like that - if you DO get pg, you will be as happy as anyone who charted, POAS'd, and symptom spotted with the best of them, I am sure!

Can't help secretly hoping it does happen for you though - but then I am desperate for another one and being VERY conscious about trying to make it happen!

Original poster

oopslateagain · 07/02/2011 12:09

Am wondering what dh would do if I put a big red circle on the calendar today with "OVULATION" in huge letters and followed him round all evening with an evil gleam in my eye...

OP posts:

godspeed · 07/02/2011 13:30

yanbu in your attitude at all i think - i got pg three times with the same attitude. But - and really don't want to be doomey here - the last time I had a mc at 12 weeks which could easily have been because of my age (40) and it has put me off feeling as casual about conceiving. Having seen heartbeats etc, the loss was very wrenching no matter how casually I had conceived...

FabbyChic · 07/02/2011 13:33

I think you have the right attitude!

And if you really want it to happen I hope it does.

godspeed · 07/02/2011 13:34

sorry - so I meant to say that if you have a baby no doubt the baby will be as adored as if you've been really really planning it. However, age is a big factor with mcs and so even if casually conceived, the loss can be as difficult, so the possibility of that might be something to think about

thankgod4cbeebies · 07/02/2011 14:05

only skim read posts, so apologies if x posting. I agree with Pigglesworth- I reckon she completely overreacted as she may well be TTC herself. Personally, I think you're approaching it in a very healthy way and I think that it's when people start stressing about it that it doesn't happen anyway.

ThePerfectFather · 07/02/2011 14:40

Your friend is saying she couldn't love a child unless it was planned, which begs the question: if she has a child that IS planned, is she in love with the child, or is she in love with herself for successfully completing her planned goal?

It seems like for her, love is only possible if it was planned love. Never mind the fact that people have an innate love for their children no matter what. That's all poppycock.

It's all about the PLAN.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread