to not keep feeding DD's friend

[LisasCat]

DD (4) has a good friend (5, almost 6) who lives in the house backing on to ours, so the two girls go back and forth between the houses, without the parents needing to get too involved. They spend more time at our house than friend's, partly because DD has some more exciting toys (only grandchild for both sets of grandparents = gets spoilt!), and partly because friend has older siblings.

Whichever house they're at for meal times, that mum will feed both of them. It tends to work out pretty evenly.

But the friend seems to have the appetite of a horse, and is always asking for food between mealtimes. I don't know if she genuinely is just going through a huge growth spurt or it's simply the case that food in someone else's house is always a bit more exciting than food in your own. I would offer her fruit, but she always wanted ice lollies, or crisps, or puddings.

The real annoyance though comes from the implication of DD. Friend used to ask herself, telling me she was hungry. But now she whispers in DD's ear (not realising I have sonic hearing) "tell your mum you're hungry and ask for food", which DD dutifully does, even though I am well aware of my own child's appetite and eating patterns, and know she is not hungry. To be honest, this is making me more stubborn, and I now just tell them they're welcome to a slice of bread, knowing that will shut them up.

So am I being a mean old bitch for not providing food for a starving little waif, or am I justified in being a bit put out at the manipulation of my DD?

I don't want to raise it with the friend's mum, because it'll seem like I'm accusing them of under-feeding her, or raising a naughty child, neither of which is true.

She's five...tell her no to the stuff in between meals

Offer her what you'd offer your DD between mealtimes.

YANBU. A child coming round for tea is one thing, but a greedy child taking the pee and asking for food constantly (especially treat food like lollies and crisps) is another.

I would just say that in your house the options between meals are fruit or a slice of bread and butter and leave it at that.

And I would also tell her that in your house it's considered rude to whisper

I had the same thing last summer. I told the other girl that whispering in company was rude and if she wanted something to eat, she should ask. That removed my DD from the problem and made other girl less likely to ask.

Agreed. They're kids so when they ask for stuff - you either say 'yes' or 'no'. V simple and not bitchy either way,

But is this child "a starving waif" or a normal child pushing for more?

If she is clearly neglected and not fed properly then YABU, if she is a normal child asking for treats - maybe because she isnt allowed them at home YANBU.

Offer what you would let your own child have to eat, or a drink instead.

If the child is a starving waif, I disagree that it should be the OP's job to feed her; money might be very tight for the OP, why should she have to include an extra mouth to feed in her food budget each week? When the child's parent is probably getting child benefit and child tax credits for her.

If the child isn't being fed then I would report to SS, OP.

Give over pixie girl - of course she probably is being fed but maybe her parents are strict about snacks or she doesnt like school lunches or some such.

OP just keep offering the bread or a drink or say no - its no biggie.

If the child is a starving waif then she'd leap on the fruit and bread.
Lollies and crisps is just greedy and opportunist. Say no!

Who said it was her job to feed her? The OP asked a question, we all gave answers and opinions.

pixie you are trying to turn this into something more than a child being greedy and wanting treats at a friends house.

Oh lots of kids do this IME, just offer what you'd offer your child. It's just testing bounderies.

Falsemessage, I was replying to JaxTellers, who suggested the child might be a starving waif. I wasn't suggesting the child was.

Eh? I'm really confused, JaxTellers? You were the one that suggested she might be a starving waif, and said that if that was the case the op would be unreasonable not to feed her.

How am I trying to turn this into more than a child being greedy? I did say in my original post in this thread that the child sounded like a greedy child taking the pee.

Oh, and tell the little girl it is rude to whisper and if she wants a drink or something to eat to come and ask you. No need to be nasty, but then everyone knows what is expected of them in your house.

You are right goblin if the child was starving, bread and fruit would be lept upon.

No biggie, dont let it worry you, just say NO!

Personally I would treat her just the same as one of my own. Offer healthy treats, if they don't want those them assume they aren't really hungry.

However, I'd be more concerned about the manipulation and would stamp on that in no uncertain terms (have done so with DS1). Unacceptable.

Actually pixi it was the OP who suggested the child was a starving waif, which is why I put these " " around the typing.

Yes you did say it was a child taking the pee, which I agree with, however you then suggested if she was starved to contact SS? Surely a step too far considering these children are good friends and live practically next door to each other?

Could it be the OP was exaggerating a teensy bit?

If a child was clearly being starved then I would contact SS, yes. It's not a step too far if a child isn't being fed.

Obviously I have no idea as to whether the child is underfed/overfed having never met her.

Actually I would be tempted to offer the bread and if she came and asked again I would tell her to go and ask her own parents.

Being constantly hungry is not a sign of being starved..my DD (4,4) has teen constantly for last 3 days (she is skinny too)

Teen=eaten

well Fanjo, mind out for Pixi, if your child looks starved she will be on the phone to SS before you can shove a Greggs Sausage Roll down your daughters neck.

Pixi, Im sorry, but I think you are over reacting a little IMHO - sometimes it is not easy to tell if a child is being starved, sometimes it is. Children are pretty greedy sometimes and ask for treats if they can get away with it.

Some children look like they never eat, I know some who never stop and they are mega skinny.

I have this problem as well, little girls friend (both 5) comes over and is completly overwhelmed at the amount of food in our house.
I hasten to add that what we have is nothing unusual but the fridge is always full, always a fair size fruit bowl out etc.
Turns out her parents spend their money on drink and drugs!!!
They do not starve her, but she just is not used to seeing a perfectly normal family kitchen.
The parents are known to SS.

bloodymary that is awful. But in your case you wouldnt let your DC go to that girls house to play and have lunch on a regular basis would you?

I remember growing up there was a boy who lived near us with his father. The kitchen was always bare, the Dad spent money on drinking and the boy got nothing. My Mum used to feed him often, and not say anything to the child about it. Gosh, I had forgotten all about that. Much more to the story, but not the thread to discuss.

YANBU, I'd just offer 'boring' food, bread, water, fruit or veggie sticks.
I'd also say it's rude to whisper - and make sure your DD knows she doesn't have to always do what this friend says :)