to not keep feeding DD's friend

[LisasCat]

DD (4) has a good friend (5, almost 6) who lives in the house backing on to ours, so the two girls go back and forth between the houses, without the parents needing to get too involved. They spend more time at our house than friend's, partly because DD has some more exciting toys (only grandchild for both sets of grandparents = gets spoilt!), and partly because friend has older siblings.

Whichever house they're at for meal times, that mum will feed both of them. It tends to work out pretty evenly.

But the friend seems to have the appetite of a horse, and is always asking for food between mealtimes. I don't know if she genuinely is just going through a huge growth spurt or it's simply the case that food in someone else's house is always a bit more exciting than food in your own. I would offer her fruit, but she always wanted ice lollies, or crisps, or puddings.

The real annoyance though comes from the implication of DD. Friend used to ask herself, telling me she was hungry. But now she whispers in DD's ear (not realising I have sonic hearing) "tell your mum you're hungry and ask for food", which DD dutifully does, even though I am well aware of my own child's appetite and eating patterns, and know she is not hungry. To be honest, this is making me more stubborn, and I now just tell them they're welcome to a slice of bread, knowing that will shut them up.

So am I being a mean old bitch for not providing food for a starving little waif, or am I justified in being a bit put out at the manipulation of my DD?

I don't want to raise it with the friend's mum, because it'll seem like I'm accusing them of under-feeding her, or raising a naughty child, neither of which is true.

Ds had a friend like this: his first comment on entering my house was always "I am hungry". I know the parents and this was absolutely not a neglected child. I tried to be relaxed about, offer him something but usually something boring, just told him we didn't have any lollies/cakes/etc at home. It just didn't seem worth getting het up about. I don't feel guilty about not keeping the menu more exciting but I wouldn't listen to any complaints either (and to be fair, he didn't complain).

Jax, you are being very obtuse on this thread, singling out my posts and trying to twist my words. Hence I will bow out of this thread now. I am confused as to how you deem me to be over-reacting when I'm not the one in the situation, I'm stating what I would do if a child was clearly starved. And you've just said yourself that sometimes it is easy to tell if a child isn't being fed.

I didn't state that I would call social services over any child that came round mine asking for food. However if a child was being clearly neglected then yes I would call them, and I stand by that.

Agree with the poster who said treat child as you would your own. Your house, your rules. It wouldn't be right to allow her to keep eating crap anyway.

When you hear her whisper just say 'X, I can hear you whspering, please ask me rather than whisper to DD' or 'X it' bad manners to whisper'.

jaxtellersoldlady yes its dreadful isnt it.
And as you said my little one DOES NOT go around there for obvious reasons.

Havnt read it all but its not your duty to feed your neighbours child. I would feel the same . Just give her what meal your DD has and thats it. . .dont feed in between meals. Jesus, whose child is she anyway . . .not yours. You are not a local cafe and that child is not your responsiblity. Even if you fed her nothing when feeding your own its not a crime. Have had teenagers grown up and feeding other folks kids is irritating if they are round even dam night. . . .cheek !!! Tell her you have no snacks and the cupboards are bare. Hide it all. You are not made of money !

Thank you all, the responses pretty much confirm my feelings, i.e. an extra portion of pasta when I'm feeding DD anyway is no hardship, and friend's mum would (and does) do the same. But the extras between meals start to take the biscuit a little. Especially after yesterday, when she asked for a nectarine, I gave her one (I would never say no to a request for fruit), but then she took one bite and threw the rest in the bin. I was quite peed off, and let my feelings be known, explaining to her that, if she didn't like it, then DD would have happily eaten the rest. We don't waste food like that. She looked at me like a lab beagle, and I felt awful, but I know I was right to say that to her.

So I think I do need to start stamping out the whispers. DD tends to do what friend says most of the time, probably because friend is older. But on the odd occassion when DD says she wants to do something else, I make a point of taking her aside and telling her how proud I am when I see her stand up for herself and know her own mind. The last thing I want is a sheep who just follows her peers later on.

Oh, and just to clarify, my 'starving waif' reference was exaggeration. She's clearly not starving, like someone said she'd never turn down a slice of bread if she was. But I know some children just have huge appetites when going through a growth spurt, so wondered if I should be pandering to that possibility.

Personally I'd offer bread/toast or if you can afford it fruit - tell her if she wants treats to go and ask her own mum. The cost of bread/toast is minimal. No way would I give puddings/crisps etc between meals in that way.

Have a quiet word with your DS to make sure she has tea at her friends house more often.

I meant DD!

I'd stop snacks between meals as I never gave my kids snacks, apart from fruit. I don't really do biscuits, unless we make them. If her house is round the corner you can always tell her to go home if she's really hungry bertween meals. I'd give drinks and meals only. It sounds as though she isn't really hungry if she's chucking food in the bin.
Does your daughter say if friend's mum gives out endless snacks? If no then she maybe sees you as a soft touch as she knows her mum would tell her to wait.

Don't say anything but just keep offering fruit, yoghurt or raisins or whatever you consider to be a suitable snack food in between meals.

I think she's probabaly asking for cakes/biscuits/lollies/whatever because at home she'd get boring food as a snack and it seems to have worked asking for things at your house that are more exciting to snack on!

Like others have said, give her what your own kids would get, not treats

Some children have larger appetites than others, one of mine eats like a horse, one like a sparrow, doesn't seem to relate to their weights, as they are both skinny!

This little girl is trying it on, even mine try on getting nicer treats! I would offer bread and a spread, or fruit, as you are doing, if she's hungry, she'll eat, if she's not, she won't. We do eat biscuits and other things in our house, though, so I wouldn't consider it unreasonable for a visiting child to ask for one.

That a point, if there are older siblings who eat like horses, there probably aren't the attractive snacks about, like in your house.

YANBU....nip it in the bud now whilst you can, treat as your own.. A friend of ours had a similar issue with her DDs nearby friend, she let it go + go as she felt sorry for DC + isn't good with confrontation.... ended up with the Kid bringing sibling + BOTH helping themselves to contents of fridge + cupboards etc, ended up she had to raise it with the Kids Mum, who just wouldn't believe it + was quite mad, in a loopy way + all hell let loose

I have a similar situ to this one and (i am probably going to get flamed for this but) goodness its unappealing the way she just shovels food in to her ever open mouth and then demands more! Anyway, I dont think you are BU at all but, as a balance, perhaps you can say that they can make free with the fruit bowl but there is nothing else other than that. Oh, and the whisper thing is also a no no!