Feel lost and tearful - please help

[ifeelverylostandlonely]

I don't know where to start - am sitting in my bathroom in floods of tears after yet another SHIT weekend with my husband.

We have two small kids. We never seem to get on. We haven't had sex since we concieved our second child and so it has been two and a half years.

Most of the time we amble along and we are ok but we are not close are we as we are not physical with each other and we seem to spend a lot of time talking to each other like shit.

What happened today - he went out with our eldest to a class he does (our boy). I stayed in and started preparing lunch and also looking after our young toddler. He comes home and dinner is nearly done and I am about to tackle the washing up which he says he will do. He then is pissed off that some of the dirty plates are in on the dishcloths in the middle part of the sink (you know when the sink has three parts - the sink, the middle bit and the drainer). I am angry that he thinks it is acceptable to speak to me like this, I get mad and start go about the washing up (which he says to me I can now do because of the messy plates I'm the middle bit) and an argument escalates and now there have been more words and 'he can't stand me' and he is out of here in four weeks etc and that I am poison. I point out that if he had spoken to me I'm a better manner in the first place this would not have happened but he says i should not have been so angry with him for being pissed off! So, in my mind, he starts it by bein arsey about something so silly and I get angry because to me that is out o order and I was clearing up at the time and I get angry and a bit slamming cupboards etc and it is made to be my fault? Is it me? Is it him? Is it both of us?

I am sorry if this is all confusing and obviously there is a bigger picture but I feel he always turns things on me to make it like I am wrong. He starts this and then because I am annoyed at the way he speaks to me it is my fault?!

I feel so lonely and sad and lost

Thank you for listening. I don't know what to do x

Oh how rotten - it's life and it's both of you - get some support x

No experience of this but it sounds like you might benefit from seeing some kind of counsellor (together). Hope you are ok, x.

You are both obviously unhappy. Have you thought about relate? Would he go with you? This situation can't go on for both your sakes and your children....they will pick up the bad vibes.

I don't know where from I have noone I want to share this with

Yes, your marriage is not in a good place. You need some outside help. Sorry you're going through this.

relate xxx

You sound so sad.
Could you try and have a proper conversation about it all with him, and work out what the triggers are that make you upset each other so?
Hope it all works out for you.

Want to go to relate on my own but as a sahm dont have much money and it costs doesn't it?

What does he mean by he'll be out of there in 4 weeks? Is he saying he's leaving you?

Can't talk to him as he keeps saying go away - he has his shit head on and I hate him at the minute

It shouldn't be like this should it? I feel so shit and so rubbish

Tbh my ex used to get pissed off about little random things like that- but then he was an emotionally (and rarely physically) abusive twat. He was very controlling.

Do you want to stay with him? Or are you staying because you don't have means to be on your own?

it does sound like it's over tbh

Cut and paste this onto a new thread in Relationships. Relate do an initial telephone interview you do have to pay, but you might find relationship counselling locally, or get a referral for general counselling via your GP - see what the waiting list is like. On the Relationships thread you'll "meet" lots of posters who have been/are in the same position unfortunately, but it does mean they can offer lots of advice and ideas. It sounds crap, its not right, sort of look on this as the first step towards sorting it.

Yes warzone he says things like that when we argue sometimes but he may mean it. He is acting like he doesn't care and he doesn't care about his attitude earlier either.

I don't know what to do, feel very small and don't know how I am going to manage If we split as I a sahm so what happens. I wanted to be a sahm for a while long as my little one is only just over twelve months and don't even know how I could afford nurseries for both
And job anyway etc etc

I never wanted my kids to grow up without us both there as they adore him as well as me

I hate him at the moment and wish he wast here

OK, so you're not going to get anywhere trying to talk to him tonight while he's in this mood. Wait until he's less angry.

Thanks nonsmoker

Will do so tomorrow when get to the computer as I am on the iPhone now and don't want to go down as he is there

Thanks everyone x

I am sorry to hear you feel so sad - please get some help and support from somewhere x

If you are never really happy together leave or let him leave I left my husband years ago and i have never regretted it At the time
though i was scared i wouldnt cope on my own but being with him was much harder and it gave me the chance to get a qualification id always wanted to do once i was on my own

Wishing you some smiles and some hope. Must be a terrible situation to be so unhappy. You do need to talk to someone professional.

Sleep tonight - rest and realise that lots of lovely warm wise women (and probably some naughty lurking men!) are thinking of you and hoping you to be in a better place soon.

Look at your lovely children and go to bed.

so sorry to read your post. Can you get someone else to have the kids for a few hours so you can sit down properly and talk about whats going on? Try to set out in advance what you think the problems are and try not to make it all about what HE does wrong or to get bogged down in specific incidences like the dishes. Its more about general attitude toward each other - if you are both considerate and caring of each other the dishes thing doesn't happen so best to focus on that. I really hope you can get some help and find you can work it out together.

I'm sorry you're feeling so unhappy. I think your relationship issues do need to be addressed and hope you can also get some much needed support in the process... It sounds as if you have been feeling miserable for quite a while

I echo the poster who suggested that you could perhaps see your GP for a referral to a counsellor, either individual or relationship. You may be able to have about 6 - 10 sessions no charge, which will perhaps be a start?

Otherwise I would strongly recommend the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships. www.tccr.org.uk
They have two centres, one in Liverpool St, one in Warren St, central London. You can see a trained and experienced couple therapist there and the payment for sessions is means tested - so you pay what you can afford.

Best of luck and I hope you get the help you need X

I once posted on hear about my husband being a git. He has a short fuse and though never physical can be nasty to me and kids. Anyway we didn't have sex often ( once every 3 mths maybe) and his continual hinting drove me crazy!
A mumnetter replied "don't ever underestimate the power of the feeling of rejection". And it really made me think hard about the way I was treating him. Always making excuses no real affection as I was worried about where it may lead etc. Since then we have turned a corner Made ne realise that tho his behaviour was unreasonable I was also to blame as he felt he was useless in the relationship other than sperm donar. And cash cow. He is a fab dad and helps loads in the house so basically the issues were with the lack of physical needs both sexually and emotionally.

Anyway relate or similar may help even if you go alone it may help bring perpective to things between you

I really hope it's works out. X

What boo and pops says really
makes sense, I just wanted to say I really hope things work out for you you sou d so sad , wait til he is in a better mood and try to talk to him or ask of he will consider counselling , hugs x

big hugs OP!

I think there is probably more to it then this like you said, I would let it all out and have a good talk

good luck!

OP you say that you dont want your kids growing up without you both there but is it worth having your kids grow up with you both together but fighting and arguing all the time?
surely that must be worse? x