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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not allow dss to go to a party for terrible behaviour

37 replies

ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 13:14

Back story:

DS1&2 argue a lot, they are 14 months apart.
DS2 has suffered lots of hits and now is very 'hitty'.
They both provoke eachother, DS1 is much bigger and so serves up punishing blows.
I accept that children can be physical but this is never condoned and often punished.

Today....
boys looking for shoes, DS2s school shoes to avoid rushing tonight/tomorrow am.
DS1 stops looking, ds2 calls him a 'fat lazy idiot'...DS1 whacks DS2 a number of times, DS2 comes down stairs loudly crying the whole way (I have sinusitis, so this hurts a lot)
DS1 is called and talked to, very loudly by me, banned from all screens...he calls me a 'stupid woman', he gets a slapped hand (slight tap).
Then he tells me to bugger off and calls me a stupid fat idiot woman...........I chase him up the stairs and slap his other hand hard.
DS2 and DS1 can be heard calling me names from the top of the house, on purpose in the stairs so that I can hear and then ds2 tells dd (4) that he's going to push her down the stairs, so we'll get an ambulance again. She's very frightened and so he gets a slap on the hand too.

They had no warning about smacks, it's very very rare that they get them, but I am feeling unwell and now rather defeated. I keep thinking about when they're teens and bigger than me and thinking about the names they'll be calling me then. I do, however, feel I failed as I grew up in a proper violent household, lots of red midst and beatings.

DH is away on business and currently in the air.

12-1.30 DS1 is doing a course, the other side of the city and DS2's friend from his old school, still his best friend(ish) is having a party. A cricket party where all boys will have whites as part of the private school they go to, DSs will be wearing tracksuits.

AIBU to stop them going? In a bid to gather some respect and control or is that lost now I've smacked them?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 06/02/2011 13:22

YANBU to stop them going. OK so you might have handled the hand-tapping thing better possibly (hitting as a response to hitting probably isn't the most appropriate thing you can do to make a point) but it doesn't detract from the fact that they've been really badly behaved. Don't back down or apologise.... they've been filthy towards you and being witheld from a party sounds like an apt punishment.

You're right... one day they will be grumpy teens, a foot taller than you, and if they don't care what you think or have any respect for you then you've got no chance.

Good luck

Tanith · 06/02/2011 13:24

I think you should apply some sort of sanction, but not bar them from the party since that will disappoint the friend. I should think his mum would feel a bit upset, having gone to the trouble of arranging it all and inviting your two, if you tell them you're using her son's party to punish your two.

Sounds to me like you're not feeling well, and kids often play up when one of their parents is away.

Do yourself a favour: get rid of them for the party and have a break. Then apply your sanction - I find no TV or computer works nicely with my DS.

compo · 06/02/2011 13:25

How old are the ds'?
They sound like they need a lot of exercise today
let them loose in the park
boys are akin to dogs in that they need fresh air and running about

orangepoo · 06/02/2011 13:26

I'd send them to the party TBH - (surely nobody will care that they are in tracksuits).

Going to the party might get rid of some of their energy and having done something positive, they might behave a bit better afterwards?

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/02/2011 13:40

YANBU

Not going to the party may make them think again next time something like this occurs. Their friend will have plenty of other friends at the party to play with.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 13:56

See I'm torn between making them really consider their behaviour and it having a lasting effect massing the party, to disappointing the friend. Although friend is a very very precious child at a new v posh school and is a little belittling to my ds2 as it is.

OP posts:
reelingintheyears · 06/02/2011 14:02

No way would i let them go...
Even if it feels like i'm punishing myself.

They were really rude to you and mean to your DD.

Missing the party is tough luck,maybe they will think next time before they speak to you like that.

Chil1234 · 06/02/2011 14:03

This isn't about the friend. This is about two children that think it's OK to behave like animals, threaten their sister and call you nasty names... but still get treats like going to parties. If you draw a line on this occasion and deny the treat you will get more respect next time because they know you will follow through. If you give in and let them go to the party the message is ... call mum what you like - doesn't matter.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 14:08

I agree, thanks ladies. I have told them they are not going, all screens are off and that we are all pitching in to get the house looking pristine. I have also said there is no earning it back, but they can go to the next party if there are no more names.

I've just picked up DS1 from a class, all dcs in car, and asked him how it went,...his reply was 'Am I going to earn the party back?' meaning if not he's not going to be civil!! He's now enjoying time sorting out his sock drawer, with cutlery drawer next!

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 06/02/2011 14:15

No I wouldn't let them go after that behaviour.

I would take a card and present to the birthday child though.

reelingintheyears · 06/02/2011 14:16

Well done you.

Btw Chil..
Follow through made me Grin

Puerile and childish,i know.

Chil1234 · 06/02/2011 14:19

Well done ThePosieParker.... stick to your guns. They may like to give the impression that they run the show and they may like pushing the envelope but you're in charge, and they know it. Sock sorting, cutlery drawer, dusters, vacuum cleaners, path sweeping, bath polishing .... lots of ways for bored children to burn off spare energy other than parties. Wink

princessparty · 06/02/2011 14:38

How can you teach them about respecting other people, when you let them think it's ok to not show up at their friend's party.How is their friend going to feel?
Bottom line is you don't give a stuff about their friend's feelings and that's where your DC are learning their attitude from!

Catsmamma · 06/02/2011 14:44

princess party...the whole point of the punishment is to ram home the point that rude selfish behaviour is unacceptable and the perpetrators are not fit to be out in public!

And they need to rein in their manners and language at home until the parent sees fit.

How would you deal with?

I think letting them go to the party would have been a horrible mistake.

thisisyesterday · 06/02/2011 14:49

yes i think yabu actually

I don't allow hitting in our house, however you needed to give BOTH boys a telling off to start with

ds1 for hitting his brother and ds2 for calling him a "fat lazy idiot"

if he winds his older brother up then he knows that his brother will lash out presumably. so does it usually end like this? he winds ds1 up til ds1 hits him and then you punish ds1??? if so I can see why ds1 gets so angry with you

plus, you then try and teach him not to hit by chasing him and hitting him....?

I don't think you can expect your children to respect you unless you respect them tbh.
Don't get me wrong, I have days like this too, we ALL do, I am not trying to imply that you're a bad parent or anything like that, just that maybe you need to re-evaluate how you all interact with each other.

princessparty · 06/02/2011 14:50

But you are showing them that you have no respect for the party child who will have counted on your DSs being there.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 14:50

As important as I think my dcs are I can't think their attendance will make or break the party....I'm hoping this punishment will affect them for at least the next few weeks and will ensure they understand that I'm a woman of my word. I feel my bending whims have lead me here as often I feel sorry for them when I hand out punishment.....

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 06/02/2011 14:51

"his reply was 'Am I going to earn the party back?' meaning if not he's not going to be civil!!"

because he has already learned that being good is only necessary to get a reward perhaps? where has he learned that?

MommyMayhem · 06/02/2011 14:53

I would say however bad the behaviour, do not stop him going to the party. I only say this because a dear friend of mine was prevented from going to a party as a child after bad behaviour, and she was so upset, she never got over it (it was 30 years ago). She doesn't remember what she did wrong, but she does remember the sadness of not going to the party.

princessparty · 06/02/2011 14:54

But you say he's his best friend!!Of course party child will be hurt and his parents will be narked big time

warthog · 06/02/2011 14:59

as a party-giver i would be very fucked off if you didn't pitch because you were punishing your kids! their mum has paid for this party which you're quite happily bandying around as a stick.

so i think yabu to stop them going,

on the other hand, you're doing well punishing them.

Onetoomanycornettos · 06/02/2011 15:02

I don't think there's a 'right' punishment, it's what works for your two. You will soon know if this worked or not, if they have fought or been cheeky to you by this evening, then the answer is no! Personally, I don't think talking to them and giving them a tap is the way to go, when my two (who don't fight a lot) start up, I put one in one room and one in the other til they can ocme out without being rude/hitting or whatever, I think getting mad and hitting them is not the way to go, even though I totally sympathise with the feeling of frustration which got you there.

I would not worry they will be scarred for life, basically they made your life so horrible this morning, the consequence is you just feel too ill and stressed to go anywhere and you have decided to stay home. Sometimes children have to know you are not an endless resource, and you have limits. They have reached those limits today.

I don't think threats over parties etc will work in the future, but when you are on your own and ill, you just have to do what you do in this situation. Try to get it all a bit calmer and nicer (e.g. saying no screen time when you are exhausted is not likely to benefit you!!!!) and have an ok rest of the day.

Original poster
ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 15:08

thisisyeasterday.....you are right of course, we do need to evaluate how we speak and interact with eachother, starting with myself and DH. However ds2 and ds1 are an endless nightmare at the moment, ds2 tries to please ds1 and ds1 is often dismissive, it's a difficult balance with such a small age gap to allow DS1 to be the oldest and also kind to his brother. But I think each has to be accountable for his own behaviour...ds3 (2) said 'I hate you' to me the other daySad which comes from his brothers and DD1 is also joining in. I deeply regret smacking them and at bedtime I will apologise, when the day is coming to an end, and remind them how much I love them but how their actions and words have really hurt my feelings.

I am ashamed that my two, normally lovely, kind and polite, children have behaved so terribly today and hope that a short sharp shock will sort it out. Both were given very angry words about their behaviour, this was done separately so each understood he severity of their own actions and why the other behaved like they did....no excuses were accepted.

DS2 says he regrets saying mean things to me and his sister, both seem fairly resigned to the punishment. As an aside Ds3 is fast asleep and would have had to get woken for the journey to the party, about 20 minutes! So all's wellWink.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 15:10

thisisyesterday Sun 06-Feb-11 14:51:24
"his reply was 'Am I going to earn the party back?' meaning if not he's not going to be civil!!"

because he has already learned that being good is only necessary to get a reward perhaps? where has he learned that?

sorry about the 'yeast' Blush He has learned that from DH, and myself to a degree, where harsh and unrealistic punishments are dealt and then retracted.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThePosieParker · 06/02/2011 15:13

I have relented on the TV! They have helped tidy the playroom, 'detoy' the rest of the house, sweep the dining room and kitchen. DS1 has sorted his sock drawer and cutlery drawer and ds2 has sorted through a wash(which I'll have to redo tonight!).

OP posts:
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