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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have doubts about dd going away with family we don't know?

31 replies

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 00:44

Posted earlier on WWYD but twas suggested I post here.

Classmate of dd1 has asked her to go with her to a weekend away in a few weeks time. She's only known this girl since Sept but has 1)never mentioned her 2)never been to her house 3)asked her over, so we don't know the parents at all.

I'm sure they're very nice (I know the dad will have a crb because of his job and he works with young people but this is kind of by-the-by anyway, it's not the point). Think girl is an only child and I can see why she and parents would like her to have a friend with her as there will be activities, etc.

dd1 really wants to go but we've told her we're still thinking about it. I briefly met the dad the other day and I said we'd like to have his duaghter over to play and then we could all have a chat when they come to pick her up maybe?

But I'm generally coming down on the side of No. WWYD?

OP posts:

RavenHairedPrincess · 06/02/2011 00:47

How old is your DD?

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 00:48

Dd1 is 9.

OP posts:

mjloveswineoclock · 06/02/2011 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Danthe4th · 06/02/2011 00:52

Sounds fab but only you know if your daughter is old enough to cope. Why not give the mum a ring and tell her youre nervous about the invite and invite her over for coffee.If your dd wants to go though why not get her a cheap mobile so you can text each other.

RavenHairedPrincess · 06/02/2011 00:53

YANBU if she was a teenager I would probably be a little more relaxed about it but not at 9 with someone you don't know.

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 00:55

We'd planned at least one meeting and a couple of tea-time visits but I'm quite jittery about it. Feel a bit awkward though as I'm sure the other parents are very nice and want their daughter to enjoy the weekend... but if I'd known them for a while I'd be happier. There are very few people I'd be ok with dd having a sleepover tbh, so I don't know why I'm being so indecisive. Think it must be that I don't want to come across as ungrateful or overly paranoid.

It's not a safety thing as such, but I don't think dd has thought through what it would be like not being with us all weekend and also being faced with new experiences, which she's not brilliant at.

OP posts:

Morloth · 06/02/2011 07:12

I wouldn't with people I didn't know personally.

DS1 is always off with my sisters and inlaws for weekends now, and there are a couple of friends who I would be fine with.

But not just a random friend from school.

neighbourhoodwitch · 06/02/2011 07:17

I think you would be so full of anxiety if she went (under these conditions) that it would not be worth it, and, as you say, you barely know them. The family may be fine but you just don't know them.

So, trust your inner voice, don't do it, but start getting to know them (and see what the future holds). Going on holiday is a big deal.

MmeLindt · 06/02/2011 07:23

Why don't you say that you are not comfortable with her going away for a weekend but invite the girl to yours for a sleepover and arrange that the next time they go away that your DD could go with them.

MmeLindt · 06/02/2011 07:24

I would probably let DD go, if she wanted to, btw. And if I had the chance to meet the family a couple of times beforehand.

goingmadinthecountry · 06/02/2011 08:03

I'd phone the mum and chat to/meet her as already suggested. I'd probably have let mine go at that age but only if I knew them a bit. It also very much depends on your dd - only you know how she'll get on. My middle two would be much happier in the situation than my little one for eg.

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 09:39

Thank you for the suggestions.
I think I need to go with my gut instinct. It might be a but awkward turning down such a kind offer but I can't put their feelings ahead of mine and dh's. He's a bit more laid back about it but trusts my instincts.
It's not that I don't think they will take good care of dd, I think it's just so 'unknown': honestly, dd is a very friendly and open girl but she has never even mentioned this girl previously! I wonder why she chose dd? They don't spend social time together at all.

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 09:43

How far away will they be?

mommmmyof2 · 06/02/2011 11:55

I don't think I would let any of my dc go away with someone I didn't no.They could be the nicest people in the world, and at the end of the day we can't always trust the people we do no!

But I would give it a few more years IMO, just seeing all the maddness in the world puts me off, bit sad really though isn't it :(

ZZZenAgain · 06/02/2011 11:58

just tell them the truth that it is alovely kind offer and dd would love to go but you just struggle with it as a mum and don't yet feel comfortable letting her go away for a weekend yet. It is not a crime to be protective but they just need to know how you feel. Atm they probably assume you are fine with it after a couple of invites back and forth so they need to know. I wouldn't take offence if someone told me they just don't feel ready for it yet as a mum.

Onetoomanycornettos · 06/02/2011 12:03

I would go with a 'no' myself, I'm not keen on sleepovers with friends from schools anyway, as I literally say 'hi' when dropping them off, not enough interaction to really know what people were like. I would trust old friends I've known for 20 years, people who I saw very regularly for a few years in and out of their houses, and family, but not really anyone else. Perhaps I'm a bit neurotic. Nine is quite young as well, I went away at 11 to stay with a foreign family with school and that was very very young. Luckily they were lovely and cared for me like their own daughter, but it was taking a chance, not one I'm sure I would take.

I wouldn't say it was about them, I'd just say she's never stayed away for a weekend away yet, so you are saying 'no' but would love for the children to play together more and how about tea after shcool or whatever.

BendyBob · 06/02/2011 12:11

Go with your gut instinct. You're not happy and will be anxious about it. If it were me I'd feel the same.

It seems kind of strange to me that the parents offering the invitiation aren't thinking along the same lines as you wrt to getting to know you better. After all if they are going to look after someone else's child there could be very relevant things ie allegies etc that they should be checking for.

Surely they'd be coming to you about the invitation rather than letting the girls sort it out between them.

If they are so very laid back then what else might they be laid back about? How supervised etc will the girls be? You need to feel 100% in your mind about all that and they've not really done anything much to reassure you. It all seems a bit woolly.

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 17:46

Good point actually Bendy. If it was the other way round I'd be making it a priority to involve the other parents and reassure them their child was ok in my care. But there again we have 2 dds and we're used to them entertaining one another with no need for any other dcs but it would probably be v.different if we had an only child - ?

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 06/02/2011 18:19

Oh FFS, I'm sure I was not that much older when I went to France for a fortnight as part of a twinning thing. Our parents had met socially once or twice, and their daughter had stayed with us.

You have a few weeks until the date, why not arrange a dinner/tea to discuss the plans.

Invite THEM round to talk about it. You can always say No, we think it's too soon or whatever.

You shouldn't send your DC off to anywhere if you are not comfortable, but you can get to know these people. What does your DD want to do, does she want to go? If so, you are going to have to look into it.

MrsNonSmoker · 06/02/2011 19:00

Hello again, just popped over from WWYD to AIBU! Its you decision, not your child's, your responsibility, she cannot make that decision at that age. There's bound to be more opportunities, if other parents are genuine they will understand.

princessparty · 06/02/2011 19:07

I am a bit surprised at the parents wanting to take away a kid who they've never met.I certainly would be very anxious about taking a child I didn't know well away for the weekend.

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 19:20

Hello Mrs NonS

OP posts:

PurpleCrazyHorse · 06/02/2011 19:21

Definitely have a chat with the parents and if you're still not sure then just say you're not comfortable as you don't know them very well.

Personally, I'd probably then make some effort to have the other girl over and get to know the parents (invite in for coffee & cake at drop off or pick up etc). That way, you can in all good conscience accept or decline another offer if it comes your way again.

I don't think 9 is too young and I would be more hesitant about not knowing the girl or the family, especially how your DD and her interact. One of the girls could be very dominant or they could squabble a lot, not something to find out when they're away for a weekend!!

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 19:22

and princessparty - I fully agree. Both dds have friends I love having round and others that have me counting the minutes down to pick-up time. Imagine if dd1 turned out to be their nightmare child for a whole weekend!

OP posts:

Original poster

oneofsuesylvesterscheerios · 06/02/2011 19:25

PurpleCrazyHorse- great idea about seeing how they interact when together. Maybe the other parents haven't considered this, which ties in with my last post.

And I suddenly thought earlier - I'm not even sure if they'd want us to contribute financially?? Do you think they would? Because if so, I'd much rather use the money on a break for all of us; we hadn't catered for this eventuality really.

OP posts:

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