to feel like sh*t at my mum's comments

[BextheBambi]

Today we made a trip to see my parents with DD (4 months) I was greeted nicely but as the day went on she started making some, to me, very hurtful comments.

Bare in mind, I'd told her I wasn't very self confident at the moment. Que her telling me..

1. My hair "looks like a mess" I have a very punky hair style, shaved sides and all that jazz. She tells me I need to grow up, "no mother dresses like that, they tone down their style".

1. She commented on my style (doc martins skinny jeans i've been this way since i was small). Apparantly now i'm a mother I should change my style to be more mature.

1. She starts commenting on my weight, I'm really sore on this subject as I had a bit of a traumatic birth and so haven't really lost as much weight as I would like to have.

Is it just me or is she BU?

if you can fit in skinny jeans, you are doing OK :)

They are the sort of things my mum would have said.. and I would just say "oh well, I like it, so dont worry"..

Mums never seem to realise we are no longer their rebel teenage daughter.

Criticism is the last thing you need!

You need to tell her to quit it and you'll do motherhood your way which doesn't include any frumpy clothes.

Dress how you like. Learn the art of the dismissive 'yes mum'.

Jeans, I would kill to get into my jeans (DD is 9 weeks). You will also get less 'helpful' comments in the street if you look less mummyish. I think DMs and punky hair will save you some grief. She has a mum-script and all you have to do is be a fantastic mother for the next 20 years to prove her wrong (disclaimer; may take longer...).

first house we rented after Uni. Mater graced us with her presence - walked round then said
"Its nice to see you keep your house as messy as you kept mine"
A week or so later we came home from work to find she'd bought us a 2nd hand vacuum cleaner.

It gets much easier when you realise that your parents are permanently immature and nothing you can ever say or do will change them.

shes just being a typical Mum! and you see it more now as you are a Mum too. mine does the same , agree they still see us as feckless teens IMO!

I feel sorry for you. That's very disheartning.
My mum bless her. Is always putting me down, my weight amounts other things. We get on well but t his totally bugs me. We went shopping last week and I bought a size 16 dress cos she said the other one wouldn't fit and bullied me into the bigger one Anyway got to return it next week as need the 14 after all
My hubby was very cross as I have issues with body since Dcs were born. I feel yr pain.

My former MIL positively relished the alleged wrongness of my appearance. Apparently I was too thin, too punky, too "pagan", too upper class (?), too unreasonable to be able to wear jeans after having children...and the list went on. I thought it very funny, tbh and her ridiculous criticisms made me all the more comfortable about my own appearance. Oh, and all the keener on turning up in things I knew she'd go catsbum at the sight of. The old bag is now over 90 and when ds1 visited her a few months back she asked him if I'd improved yet!!

My own mother merely nagged about my lifelong habit of not eating my own weight in breakfast. For over 50 years, bless her!

PS. Meant to conclude by saying, be confident in your appearance. If you are happy with how you look then that's what matters. Revel in your individuality!

I don't really see that as a put down OP..more a typical Mum type thing.

Apart from that, how is your relationship?

If your DD is her first grandchild, tell her soothingly that you understand that the label "grandmother" can feel very ageing but that you're sure she'll get used to it. Refer to her as "Granny". Ask her when she will be .

Seriously, though, is there a chance she is struggling with her new generational role and taking it out on you? She may be thrilled to have a grandchild but less happy with suddenly being moved up a generation, and may be undermining you to try and reestablish her own authority.

If she already has grandchildren, then she's just being mean. Personal comments like that are rude: you wouldn't expect anyone else to talk like that about your appearance, would you? Try the Mumsnet favourite line of "Did you mean that to sound so rude?".

I think openerofjars has hit the nail on the head. It could be your Mum is struggling a bit with her new role. Her comments are definately rude and especially upsetting as we so often expect our Mums to go overboard in comforting us when we've had our own babies. My Mum was just like yours - I know it is hard, but please please shrug it off and don't take her comments to heart. You had a baby 4 months ago and honestly it takes at least 9 months to feel back to your old self, emotionally and physcially. The flip side is that this is an amazing time and if you can just put less pressure on yourself (which I know is easier said than done) you will enjoy adjusting to life as a new mother snuggling with that little bundle. I think you sound very cool - I would love to have an edgier look..

TBA, I don't think it is excusable as a 'typical mum' if it's upsetting you enough that you've posted here.

I expect your mum is struggling to adapt to treating you as an adult. I can't imagine how hard that must be (I'm being serious). But I think you need to take her to one side and just say very simply that she may not have realized, but you actually found her comments upsetting.

If she doesn't respond, or if there's more to it than that, I think she is out of order. My mum is nuts and I sometimes have to remind myself that if I'm adult enough to think she shouldn't be criticizing me like a child, I'm old enough to put those criticisms to one side.

I'm not very good at putting that theory into practice, but I think that's the ideal when your mum is still pestering you!

Hope she stops soon

As my name suggests, I have always liked the punky look. Yours sounds fab. It is the motherly way - annoying as it is - to criticise. Be blunt and tell it annoys/hurts you.

Then carry on being cool!

I'd be tempted to turn up one day in a wig and twinset. See what she would moan about instead

Don't worry about what your mum has to say you don't live with her any more!! Enjoy your beautiful baby and your beautiful life.
As for the skinny jeans jeans LUCKY YOU! mine won't get on my arms at the mo!!

Actually, no, it isn't "typical mum" behaviour and I don't actually think it is anything to do with new generational roles.

For sure, (as a new grandma myself) I would be deeply unimpressed if my son had sat me down and patronisingly smoothly told me that the label "grandmother" can feel very ageing. Bollocks it does! The very last thing I'd want is my ddil to start losing her individuality just because she now has a baby.

Quite often, I'm afraid, it is the very people we are closest to and hope would support us that can be the most tactless and it may well be that the OP's mother simply hasn't realised how hurtful this constant stream of criticism is.

these kind of mothers seem to be everywhere! including mine lol

I think she probably is used to doing this she see's it a 'being ur mum'

but after you've had a baby is taking the miccy.

YANBU. Bloody hell - why can't our mums just be supportive? Mine drives me mad with her lame negative comments. So much so that I hardly see her now.

After I'd had my first baby my MIL told me with glee:"Oh,after my babies I always left the hospital in my pre-pregnancy trousers.I had no tummy at all" said whilst starring at my post preg tummy...not helpful at all!

It sounds like you have a great sense of your own style, don't let her upset you. I know how vunerable you can feel when you have a young baby, IMO your mother should make more of an effort to support your choices, not criticise them.

Unfortunately I think many from your mother(and my mother's) generation really never matured, they behave like teenagers sometimes.

Also sounds to me as if she can´t see you as an adult.

You´ve told her that you don´t feel confident and it sounds as if she is telling you what to do.

Just ignore.

If she knows you care so much about what she thinks it surely makes it harder for her to see you as an adult.

Ignore her.

My Mum still pisses me off by making comments about my weight/hair/clothes and i'm 51.

She's old and i can't be arsed to get into a row.

Having had the same type of comments from my own mum I know exactly where you are coming from. It made me feel miserable and I regret not saying anything at the time. I would nip it in the bud now and tell her to mind her own bloody business, before she makes a habit of it.

Is there any chance your mum has narcissistic personality traits? There are a lot of websites and books about this. It often makes for a poor mother / child relationship.

Essentially, mums often see a daughter as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual. They don't like it when the daughter grows up and has their own life and their own ideas. Daughters are groomed from an early age to keep mum happy so rarely challenge the status quo, or at least not in a helpful way. Unfortunately in this situation, there's little you can do until you understand that you're up against - a narcissistic mother will not respond 'normally' so the usual advice may not work for you.

My mum was the same. At some point in my 30's (soon after having kids) I'd had enough ("Did you cut your hair yourself?" "No, it's just in terrible condition from having kids..." etc. Even the compliments were backhanded ("That's a nice top, better than the tatty ones you normally wear."

So one day when she made some comments I had it out with her. Her view - "I'd like you to dress differently. And your family can say things your friends wouldn't." Mine - "No they can't!" (I'd never be so tactless I hope) and "I'm in my 30's, I'm not you, and this is the way I dress."

OK, I'm no fashionista, but we have now reached an understanding and I can't think of the last time I've had negative comments .