Boasting/oneupmanship

[portaloo]

I know this has probably been done to death, but couldn't find what I was looking for in search.

You know when some people behave in a way that appears so natural to them, ie, they don't bat an eyelid at the time, well that makes me wonder if IABU or not.

I have a friend, who I don't see so much of now, because of her constant boasting/oneupmanship. She is still on my FB, so still in contact, but only see her about once a fortnight now, and very rarely during day.
She has lots of friends and is always in and out of people's houses so she really cant be that bad can she?

Her whole conversation is made up of:

asking me what I think of her new boots/coat etc
telling me what her b/f is going to buy for her next. (This visit, it's a new car even though boyfriends car is 16 years old, an iphone and a new tv not a huge one like mine though because thats crass )
Her b/f lives at the other end of the blardy country and has promised her many things that she hasn't got, including things she has needed. When he has let her down in the past, she just puts it out of her mind and goes onto the next desired purchase. No one AFAIK mentions it again.
What sale she is going to next, where it is and what she's going to buy for her gorgeous wonderful DC.
Her DC are beautiful, but they are quite blunt and dare I say it...rude. Her youngest DC actually comes to my face and says 'Your DD disgusts me, wipe her face now.' pulls me up on imagined mispronounced words, and goes through my house pointing out 'disgusting' things that make him feel sick.
He doesn't share, and tells DD she is ugly, nasty, and he hates her etc etc. (He is 5, DD is 2)
My friend just sits there laughing at him, and says 'That's my boy, you can see he's my boy can't you?'
I just smile thinly.
She is having a few problems with her DS screaming in teachers faces, and refusing to work in school, as well as saying he is ill whenever he wants to go home (friend told them he was not ill, just wanted to come home).

I just don't know why we cant be friends and support each other.

Same friend has taken the piss out of my clothes in front of another friend, Friend A, who hadn't even noticed what I was wearing until then, but then started laughing, making me feel really self conscious. I didn't have anything wacky on, just a pair of blue trousers.
Friend does tell other people things about me, but I admit, I didn't specifically say at the time that I didn't want my relationship breakdown in all it's finest detail broadcast to friend A.
I do feel I cant trust her to keep things to herself, so I dont tell her much anymore, and we could kind of rub along and be friends, and see each other once a fortnight if she weren't so damn competitive. If I ever mention I have bought anything, she sneers at it, has already told me infront of Friend A again, that my frontroom is awful, that I should do XXX and XXX to change it.

It has got better since I distanced myself from her, but why oh why oh why does this friend pour scorn on other people's choice of home/furnishings/clothes/cars/lives, believing hers is superior. I wouldn't insult someone else's home by pointing out all I didn't like about it, in the name of 'telling the truth'.

Is there a point where telling the truth turns into being rude and pointless?

Friend just says she is being honest, and is proud of this fact.

If I was honest, I'd really upset her, and fall out with her.

Why do people do this??

One more thing, her DS has been smoking for a year and she told me about this last time I saw her, she is buying his cigarettes for him. I just said 'Oh, I didn't know he smoked, how long has he been smoking for?'
She replied 'A year, and anyway, when did you start smoking? I'll bet you were younger than my DS, so don't think of being a hypocrite. You can't say it's wrong if you did it yourself blah blah blah' I told her that I was not underage, didn't get my mum to buy my cigs for me, and would be teaching my DC not to make the same mistakes as I had, and if that makes me a hypocrite, then so bloody be it.'
I'm not saying I will be any more successful than friend, but she seems proud that her DS smokes. She was grinning like a cheshire cat whilst telling me.

Other than that, when I have been down/depressed, friend has been there, so would rather not fall out with her.

Any idea's on how to handle this?
AIBU to think most people don't behave like this? I seem to be the only one of our friends who thinks like this, another reason for believing it is just me being oversensitive. I have been there when friend has ripped into another friends clothes etc, and although they look embarrassed, they just laugh it off, and remain friends. Is it just me who can't seem to treat it like water off a ducks back?
I can't imagine there's many people who would like to be gossiped about behind their backs, but maybe they think Friend only does that to others, not them.

Can anyone make sense of this type of behaviour? Where am I going wrong for her to speak to me like she does?

My friend is worse than your friend...

Any idea's on how to handle this?

Ditch her and get a real friend. :)

Don't waste any more of your time with this woman; who obviously feels so insecure about herself that she has to criticise you in front of others in order to validate herself.

I'm not sure why you'd even see her once a fortnight.

Why would you spend any time with someone who goes out of their way to make you feel like shit?

Or if she's not aware she's doing it, someone who thinks like this and believes everyone else is the same.

She sounds a shallow, self obsessed person with a low self esteem.

Have you ever confronted her about it?

If not, why not?

Is this for real?

She sounds like a blumming nightmare!

If she were my 'friend' I would be running for the hills right now, never letting her darken my door again and keeping my child well away from her and hers.

Life is too short. Get a nicer friend.

she is no friend. Cut her out of your childs and your life.

A psychologist friend has a fridge magnet, with the words:

Criticism tells you everything you need to know about yourself. so listen carefully. The faults you point out in others are more often than not your own. The way you speak about the world is the way the world will speak about you. How can life look up if you keep putting everyone down?

Maybe you ought to send her an email with the above words.

There is a logical side of me that says she is not a nice friend, but she has so many friends, that it makes me wonder, it must be just me. Her friends all agree with her most of the time and laugh along with her at whoever the latest unfortunate is to come under her radar.

I don't tend to confront her, because she is so certain that she is right that it just turns into a horrible conversation, with her putting me down again, and telling me 'You don't know what you're talking about, at least my kids wear decent clothes from next and can stick up for themselves. At least I have decent furnishings, everyone copies me, so that proves you're wrong. Even you have copied me Portaloo, with your wooden floor. I had one long before you. Funny how everyone eventually copies me isn't it?'

She is nice about a quarter of the time, so if it were her being a horrid friend, why do her friends agree with her when she is horrid to other people and don't attempt to avoid her, in fact, they invite her round and encourage their DC to play with her DC while they sit drinking tea with her. She sees Friend A almost every day and says nasty things to me about her behind her back.

I tend to wait until she turns up at my door and invites herself in.

Know that she's terribly insecure. try and understand. Don't allow yourself to be put down any longer. Tell her how you feel. see what she says. leave it at that. make every excuse in the book not to see her again, at least until you've got her out of your system. we've all been there. It's not you, it's her.

This is not a friend.

Do yourself a favour and get rid.

Emmanana I like that!!!! Thank you for that.

How exactly was she "there" for you when you were down? Did she tell you "funny" things about other people, or did she really help?

P.S. I do hope the smoking son is not the 5yo!

She listened to me when my relationship broke down, helped with practical things like bagging up XP's belongings, directed me to a good sol, so she was good to me then.

Her smoking DS is just turned 17.

Thanks portaloo
It does make you think, doesn't it?
Ever since I first saw it, I have made a real effort not to criticise if I can help it.
My Mum is always running people down, and normally goes in one ear and out of the other, but if I actually listen to what she is saying, she is really describing her own worst faults. My Friend did explain the mental process, something about transference of guilt, and by labelling another you validate your own fault to yourself, but it was a looong time ago

It's a relief to hear she can do it. But what a cow normally!

There's a great phrase around on MN: "Did you mean that to sound so rude", which I am just dying to try out on my aunt. Could it work for you?

Never said that, so will try that. Have said 'How rude!' but not with a serious face on IYSWIM. She always replies 'I'm just being honest, saying it how it is, and I'm proud to be honest'

Sounds like you can't stand her for at least three quarters of the time. So if I were you, I wouldn't even count her as one of my friends.

Also, from what you write, your group sounds like you all live in each others' pockets and know everything about each others' business.

Sorry, but it all sounds a bit unhealthy. In your position, I would try to be out a bit more when she is due to come round, and take yourself and DC to an alternative activity in another location.

I think a change of focus would do you no end of good - this person is trying to build her own confidence at your expense. Go to the rock-climbing wall or do something else she'd never dream of doing, and watch her mouth fall open in astonishment!

kittybuttoon I suppose it is abit like that. We all live in a very small village, miles away from the next town, and my house just happens to be en route to the local nursery/primary.
Friend usually knocks on way to/from school, and if I don't answer, looks through my windows.

I have put a bolt halfway down my back gate now because she used to traipse through to my garden with younger DC in tow, looking through the windows.

I have got blinds up, and house is in a shaded location anyway, so apart from closing the curtains, she can peep through the holes.

She seems to prefer to come over in the evening lately, which at least means I don't have to tolerate her rudeness in surround sound.

I meant 'If friend comes during day, she will knock en route to/from school'. Otherwise, if she doesn't knock, she just waves frantically outside my house and gets her DC to wave and shout.

I stopped reading your post about half way down as soon as I got to the bit that said she took the piss out of your clothes infront of another friend, i didn't need to read any more.

She is no friend of yours. Get rid of this horrible woman and her equally horrible children out of your lives. Remove her as a facebook friend and stopped seeing her.

portaloo, seriously love, how do you do it?

'I'm just being honest, saying it how it is, and I'm proud to be honest' ????

Noo, You need to say I call a spade a spade, and that dear friend is RUDE. Then say NOTHING, nothing at all. Let her dig herself out. Don't you dare let her off the hook.

honestly, I don't know why on earth anyone would give her the time of day. if anyone spoke to my DS like that, or allowed their DC to, I'd honestly never see them again.

I didn't read the whole of the OP, I got to the bit where her 5 year old insults your 2 year old and calls her ugly and disgusting, and quite frankly, that was enough to read. For goodness sake, drop this friend, if not for your sake (and you would definitely benefit), for your daughter's sake. If my friend left her child to roam around unchecked, insulting mine, well, let's just say it would be a short-lived friendship.

You know what you have to do, and there's probably not a nice way to drop this friendship.