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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think ds Dad should pick up and bring home

37 replies

1legmummy · 05/02/2011 11:07

He sees him one day per week and has just dropped his maintenance £5 a week because I asked him to pick up and bring home on that one day.

I do everything else all week and never ask him to take him anywhere.

He is very confrontational, we have been slit up for 10 years, I am married with another son and he is happy with a new girlfriend

It does me no favours having ds bit I would never stop it

Should I agree to drop him off?

Any other advice to make it more amicable

Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 05/02/2011 11:12

No reason why he should not collect him and then drop him off.

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 11:15

How old is your son?

Truckulente · 05/02/2011 11:18

Why does he only see him one day a week?

2rebecca · 05/02/2011 11:20

He is being unreasonable. The amount he has to pay is independant of his travel costs to see his son.

beatrixkitto · 05/02/2011 11:21

Yanbu my dd8's dad is the same. He still thinks i should do all the running around because i drive and he doesn't. And he doesn't pay any cm since he remarried!

bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 11:22

I think we need the full story to judge that though. He may be unemployed and not have enough money otherwise for travel himself..

Or he may be a selfish arse.....

We dont know which it is yet...

Takeresponsibility · 05/02/2011 11:23

Does he pay the statutory minimum 15%?

He appears to have had an easy ride re collection for the last 10 years, but maybe he overpays to compensate that.

"It does me no favours having ds bit I would never stop it" Contact is not about what suits you it is so a child grows up having access to both his parents.

If you are not happy with the arrangements why haven't you challenged them before as you have let a status quo develop - although I think he is (probably) unreasonable to deduct the money, I can absolutely understand why he is miffed that you have arbitarily changed the arrangements that have worked OK for the last 10 years.

Why don't you go to CSA get sum fixed and then tell your ex that you are going to do one journey each, e.g. he collects from yours and at the end of contact you will collect from his.

Littlefish · 05/02/2011 11:23

Did you agree maintenance through the CSA?

Original poster
1legmummy · 05/02/2011 13:05

My Son is 11

My ex is extremely argumentative. His way or no way

We did not go to CSA, he has paid every week since we split and dropped the money every few years for various reasons. we did not have a mortgage he did (now we have a mortgage too)

I always do anything just to make sure my ds sees his Dad. Last week he said to ds it was my "turn" as he had done a lot of picking up and collecting recently so I said to make it easier he should just arrange his own access days especially as ds is older.

He tells us at last minute he is busy.

I do want to get on with him for ds sake so maybe I should say I should drop him off.

Ex owns a very successful building company and lives about 4 miles up the road

I am an amputee and not always easy to drive him

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 05/02/2011 13:07

Is there not a bus your son could get on and go there under his own steam?

He is coming up to the age when he will want to spend weekends with his mates anyway...

TheVisitor · 05/02/2011 13:09

Tell your ex to sort it himself and I'd be looking at getting the maintenance on an official level. You don't actually need to have any contact with this man, your son is big enough for arrangements to be made between them, and your boy is old enough to jump on the bus there.

GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 13:09

why is it not always easy to drive him? surely one should pick up,the other drop off??

Original poster
1legmummy · 05/02/2011 13:11

He could ride his bike there, but I wold worry about him getting home as ex would not worry about the dark

Had not thought of bus will look into that

OP posts:
cobbledtogether · 05/02/2011 13:14

In our household we have always picked up and dropped off DSD, except for the odd occasion where we just couldn't make it.

I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to pick up his DS and he sounds like a bit of an arse.

QOD · 05/02/2011 13:14

I love tiffany - look at the OP's name...

I always had these thoughts in reverse, mum was very selfish I thought, she kicked dad out and we had new stepdad moved in a week later. Dad had to do all picking up and dropping off including when we moved to a town 45min away. SO a weekend with dad meant 3hrs driving for him. Selfish!

JohnBovi · 05/02/2011 13:19

There is absolutely no reason why he can't pick him up and drop him off. We're talking a few miles here.

Original poster
1legmummy · 05/02/2011 13:27

Thanks for your thoughts, it is interesting hearing boths sides.

I guess it would not hurt for us to drop him, if only to stop arguements.

I just thought I run around all week and never involve him so could not understand him not being able to do it for one day - when I said this "thats because you are the parent, if he lived with me I would do it"

I just want to get on after all we have both moved on and both happy

OP posts:
Olessaty · 05/02/2011 13:33

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask that he picks up and drops off his DS, especially as he only sees him a day a week and lives nearby.

My DS's dad picks him up from school on his days (every other weekend Friday to Sunday, and every Monday night) and drops him home at the weekends, and back off to school on the Tuesday mornings. We live around the corner from each other, a five minute walk. He doesn't pay any maintenance at all though.

I think it's reasonable to expect him to be responsible for picking up and dropping off, irregardless of how much maintenance he pays, because one day at the weekend, to six days where you are doing the lions share of transporting your DS to where he needs to be is no comparison really. I'd expect equal responsibility for pick up and drop off, when it was equal responsibility for care, for example, shared custody.

Littlefish · 05/02/2011 13:36

I would definitely put the maintenance agreement on an official footing either through the CSA or with solicitors, to stop him using it as a bargainning tool in the future.

I also think that if he wants to see his son, then he should be responsible for collecting him and returning him (until such time as your ds is able to make the journey on his own.

Your exp is simply being difficult.

GypsyMoth · 05/02/2011 13:37

Qod....yes,saw the amputee comment,but op has already said they could drop off/driving not always easy....was looking to see if there was more than a physical barrier. a clash of timings,other commitments etc....

Olessaty · 05/02/2011 13:37

I do understand your need to not be arguing about things all the time though, just make sure you are not backing down for an easy life all the time, I made that mistake and it made me miserable because everyone else got what they wanted and I wasn't standing up for myself. I started off the new year assertive and firm and am actually surprised at where I thought there would be arguments there is actually quiet acceptance. I know my requests are fair and reasonable, and I think yours are too. He does sound like he is pushing, with all the reductions in maintenance, and now to get out of his responsibility to pick up and drop off. Don't be afraid to be firm with him.

JohnBovi · 05/02/2011 13:40

Olessaty is saying everything I would if I weren't so hungover Grin.

Takeresponsibility · 05/02/2011 14:02

Littlefish said:
"I would definitely put the maintenance agreement on an official footing either through the CSA or with solicitors, to stop him using it as a bargainning tool in the future.

I also think that if he wants to see his son, then he should be responsible for collecting him and returning him (until such time as your ds is able to make the journey on his own.

Your exp is simply being difficult."

I agree with the first point, get the maintenance sorted via the CSA.

I disagree with the second point, both parents are equally responsible for ensuring their children see both points. You should do one journey each - you drop him at Dads, he brings him back to you or vice versa.

I don't wish to be flamed but I don't understand this comment "I am an amputee and not always easy to drive him" why would this affect your ability to drive him one day but not another?

JohnBovi · 05/02/2011 14:23

I don't agree Takeresponsibility. The op does all the running around and the lion's share of looking after him. It's completely reasonable that his Dad comes to get him and drops him back. I don't get why he doesn't want to, and it's hardly a great message to send to his son, that he can't be bothered to make a journey of just a few miles once a week.

Bogeyface · 05/02/2011 14:26

I would agree to share it, so perhaps you drop him off and he drops him back.

Then I would go to the CSA, because he cant just decide to drop maintenance when he feels like it!