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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that enthusiastic sex twice a month is plenty when you're a working mum to 3 year old twins!

37 replies

vixen1 · 04/02/2011 21:46

Opinions please...

I'm on anti-d's because of the difficulties of dealing with one of our boys who has special needs so my libido is low from the side effects.

I make a special effort at least twice a month and engage enthusiastically.

MY (D)H is "worried" about our marriage on this basis...

WTF? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
bubblewrapped · 04/02/2011 21:49

What precisely is he "worried" about..

I would tell him to go have a wank tbh! Grin

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 21:50

Not enough info really...but I hope you don't use expressions like "engage enthusiastically" when you're talking to him about it Grin

HecateQueenOfWitches · 04/02/2011 21:52

Wel, if all that binds you as a couple is the frequency with which he sticks his todger into you, then he's right to be worried.

Otherwise, he's being unreasonable. Intimacy doesn't have to be about intercourse.

chandellina · 04/02/2011 21:53

sounds on the light side to me. I think 2x week is about bare minimum, though every couple has different thresholds to work out.

altinkum · 04/02/2011 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 04/02/2011 21:55

I'd be worried too, that is not exactly a regular sex life. I'd say if not once a week or more then something needs to be sorted to question as to why.

Not all antidepressants cause problems with the libido are you using that as an excuse?

Never had it happen to me, but you could be one of the few it does affect, you could ask your doctor to change your pills and new ones might make you feel better.

Getting time to yourself with or without your partner is an essential part of keeping your identity rather than just being a mother.

I hope you have the support you need around you to cope with the problems your child has.

SmethwickBelle · 04/02/2011 22:02

WTF in my opinion YANBU. Although you sound stressed and unhappy and he's obviously unhappy in this regard and most likely stressed too - maybe an opportunity for a frank "look, neither of us are "happy" here, what can we do?" sort of conversation.

QueenStromba · 04/02/2011 22:05

Have you talked to your GP about this? If the antidepressants you are on are affecting your libido to the point where it's starting to affect your relationship then it might be worth trying a different one that might not have the same effect. Everybody's different in terms of sex drive but ~25 times a year sounds very low and I can understand why your DH is worried.

twinkletot · 04/02/2011 22:06

YANBU!
My dp would be happy if it were that often here.

I think you need to sit down and have a good talk to each other if he thinks your marriage is in trouble on that basis!

JingleMum · 04/02/2011 22:07

YANBU! he is!

it won't last forever, you'll get more time in the bedroom when things settle or the boys get slightly older. just remind DH of that... it's just a phase!

ilovemyhens · 04/02/2011 22:10

Ooo, we only do it about once every couple of months Hmm We need to be on the critical list I think. I'm on anti-ds too and they do mess things up Sad

Try some L-Arginine to boost the libido. I've just started taking them and I've had a few amorous feelings in the past couple of days.

Don't get too hung up about the frequency if the quality when you do do it is okay.

FabbyChic · 04/02/2011 22:13

My anti-d's don't cause me any problems at all, and I've been on three different ones over the years, never has a problem with any of them.

I think it is too easy an excuse to use to be honest. But that's just me.

The frequency becomes a problem if one partner is not happy with how often, if both are happy with it whenever then thats cool.

It does need to be addressed though if one is not happy.

Knackeredmother · 04/02/2011 22:13

YANBU
Good god, where do you people get your energy from?
Twice a month is bloody good going in my opinion. I'd love to have time for that much but kids who never sleep, plus work, plus trying to keep on top of day to day life mean it is simply impossible frequently.
We are both looking forward to sec more often when our kids start sleeping/stop breastfeeding/co sleeping
I repeat YANBU, doing well imo

Knackeredmother · 04/02/2011 22:14

Sex not sec!

mutznutz · 04/02/2011 22:17

Look, before this thread descends into the usual "Oooh we do it every hour on the hour" and "Oh we only do it on our anniversary"...

It doesn't matter how often anyone else does it. What's right for one couple is not right for another.

OP are you intimate with each other during the rest of the month or is that your only sexual contact?

BeeBox · 04/02/2011 22:19

It's hard to be objective about these things. Your husband isn't happy, and that is an issue. But you have young children, a lot on your plate and you are being treated for depression...his expectations may be a little high.

When our children were babies and I had PND we were lucky if we did it once a month. DH felt very rejected - maybe not initially, but when it had been going on a year or more, then yes, it became a big problem.

We probably do it once or twice a week now, and both happy with that. In fact, after years of having a low libido, I've got mine back with a vengeance and would like it more often, but DH is often tired out from work Grin

reallytired · 04/02/2011 22:20

A loving relationship should not be dependent on sex. Many people with depression go months without sex. The lack of libedo is caused by clinical depression rather than the anti depressants.

I am not surprised if you are tired. Is there anyone who can baby sit while the two of you go out and enjoy each other's company.

cleggy36 · 04/02/2011 22:22

Male perspective... there are lots of mad people on here. Enthusiastic nooky twice a month if you're a working mother of 3yo twins on antidepressents sounds like a healthy sex life to me. It can be frustrating but if he loves you he should realise that at this stage a bit less sex is nothing to wory about at all. When our kids were toddlers we had hardly any sex. Now they're teenagers and leave us be our sex life is beter than ever.

"I'd say if not once a week or more then something needs to be sorted to question as to why" - utter bollocks.

cybbo · 04/02/2011 22:22

But sex in a marriage is something that needs to be attended to as much as children, meals, housework etc etc

For BOTH partners

When you say 'special effort' OP its like you have no enjoyment in it and are doing it just for him. Is that whats happening?

GreenEyesandHam · 04/02/2011 22:22

I think you may not be doing either of you and favours by 'engaging enthusiastically' (sounds like you're ticking off the to-do list)

Talk to him, tell him how you feel. I don't think YABU for what it's worth, good god, I've had loooooonggg dry arid periods in my life where my libido has gone into hibernation, just down to sheer knackeredness- never mind Anti-D's and kids!

(and when we did 'do it', I'm quite sure there was little in the way of enthusiasm!)

My husband would have liked to have sex a bit more I'm sure, but guess what- he still loves me.

And the mojo does come back, eventually

GreenEyesandHam · 04/02/2011 22:24

never mind Anti-D's and twins I should've said.

Three kids, hence the knackeredness

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/02/2011 22:24

YANBU.

He is an idiot to be worried about your marriage purely on the basis of how often you have sex.

How much does he do in terms of childcare and other domestic stuff? Does he try to take the pressure off so that you have the energy - and inclination! - for sex?

cybbo · 04/02/2011 22:25

And I agree you seem to both be thinking 'sex' is all there is, so its that or nothing

But without intimacy and time spent together that wont happen

balia · 04/02/2011 22:26

It is an issue that needs to be discussed with great respect for one another's needs. I think phrases like 'stick his todger in you' are unecessary and likely to be inflamatory. There's no sense here that the OP's DH is being unsupportive or putting pressure on, just raising an issue of concern for debate.

I think (in your partner's position) that the 'problem' in the marriage would be the idea that you feel the need to 'make a special effort'. It would make me feel like sex was for my benefit, not yours.

I'm assuming he is a working dad to 3 year old twins...

Have you been back to the GP to ask about different anti-d's?

bubblewrapped · 04/02/2011 22:27

I have been married over ten years.. we have periods where we are at it two or three times a week, and we have times when we can go 3 months without it...

If it is all done to a timed schedule with no spontaneity, then it can become more of a chore than a pleasure..

Sex really is not the be all and end all of a relationship. If you have a strong relationship in the first place, then irregular sex should not be a deal breaker in a marriage. If sex is all that holds it together, then there is a lot more wrong with it than just lack of sex.

As for saying there is a problem if it is not being done more than once a week, that is rubbish, to assume all relationships should be so regimented.

Sex because you feel you have to, or are putting "enthusiastic energy" into it when you dont really feel like doing it, isnt good sex.

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