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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish my in-laws wouldn't answer my phone

68 replies

WonderingStar · 04/02/2011 20:22

Have had ishoos in the past with the PILs overstepping boundaries a little (DH died so I can't go through him in dealing with them). I may well be oversensitive now because of this.

Anyway, if you'd gone out and your PILs were at your house babysitting, would you mind or not if they answered your landline phone when it rang?

Bearing in mind that I have caller display and an answerphone so they would know that it wasn't me calling and that whoever did ring could leave a message. And they have mobiles which I could ring anyway if needs be.

OP posts:

Horton · 04/02/2011 21:35

don't like being interogated by PILs about people who rang

That would annoy the hell out of me. Could you tell them (nicely)? Just maybe say something like 'it really adds to my stress when you keep asking about it and if you can't help asking then maybe it would be better not to answer the phone'? I am sure they realise that you have been through a lot. Very sorry about your DH, btw.

Horton · 04/02/2011 21:35

Sorry, that sounds very glib. I do mean it.

TheProvincialLady · 04/02/2011 21:37

Sorry Takeresponsibility, I have been doing some important things on facebook. I was assuming that the PILs must be at least 55, probably more like 65+...generally the older someone is, the more likely they are to think that a phone call MUST be answered (IME).

MorticiaAddams · 04/02/2011 22:38

I agree with Horton that it's most certainly not ok to question you about who is calling or the messages. I can also understand about you wanting to hear messages from your friends even if you don't feel up to returning them. We have been through some tough shit ourselves and I enjoy getting the messages whether on the phone or facebook even if I'm not up to answering them.

You could gently ask them to leave the phone so that you can hear your friend's messages yourself as it is a comfort to you. If it makes them feel better perhaps they can listen as the message is being left and they will still be able to pick it up if it does turn out to be urgent.

Our family has been on the other side of the fence as my sister died several years ago. We still have a very close relationship with my bil but my Mum was completely paranoid for a few years that the time was going to come that he would remarry and she would never see the kids again. She used to do anything he asked and would never say anything to him when he was well out of order as she feared he would use the kids as a weapon. This was completely unfounded and we tried to convince her that he would never do that but she just couldn't believe anything as her daughter had died and as you know when something like happens anything else can be true.

We were very lucky in that he eventually remarried a fantastic lady and we have a very inclusive three family relationship. In fact, now that she is their mother in every way but biology, we see her and her Mum a lot more than bil.

MorticiaAddams · 04/02/2011 22:42

Sorry I didn't even manage to get my point in my message. The point was that perhaps they are feeling a similar loss of control, for want of a better word, and are overstepping the mark as a consequence.

As you say, things are very different after a bereavement and all the old normals go out of the window and new ones have to be established.

beanlet · 04/02/2011 22:43

I think you're being a bit oversensitive, yes. If I were babysitting, I wouldn't hesitate to answer the landline with 'so and so's house, beanlet speaking'. I think you'll find it's quite normal. Besides, what if it were the police ringing to say you'd gone under a bus?

MissMarjoribanks · 04/02/2011 22:52

I am not massively keen on my PIL but I'm quite happy to let them answer the phone when they're babysitting.

However, if they were questioning me about who was phoning I would be very pissed off. They don't do this though - simply tell us who's phoned and take a message if necessary.

Normally though they are just utterly terrified by my loony family - who often just launch into a conversation as they think FIL is DH.

allatsea1 · 04/02/2011 23:49

Yabu. When I read your thread title I thought you meant when you were in the house - not out and about!

spongebobsquareknickers · 04/02/2011 23:55

I actively encourage anyone to answer my phone

Even when I'm there

I'm just lazy

usualsuspect · 04/02/2011 23:57

I wish my teenage ds would answer the bloody housephone ..instead of saying the phones ringing

chipmonkey · 04/02/2011 23:58

First of all, I have the opposite problem! FIL will not answer the phone in my house!

My washing machine is broken. When the repair man called me he gave me a time when dh and I would be at work. I rang PIL to ask if they could be in our house when the repair man called. FIL was happy to wait in for him.

FIL waited in the house. The repair man called the landline to make sure someone was there to let him in. FIL didn't answer the phone, waited there all day and then went home. I was working a 12 hour shift and when I checked my messages, got one from the repair man sounding puzzled. So now I still have no washing machine.

Can we swap PILs?

2rebecca · 05/02/2011 11:17

Interrogating you about who rang is unreasobale. I'd just be vague "a friendd" and change the subject so they get the message that I don't want to discuss it.
Answering the phone to check it isn't you or the police about you is fine, passing on messages is fine, nosiness about your phone calls isn't fine.

JingleMum · 05/02/2011 13:02

what do you plan on doing about it OP? are you going to ask them not to answer the phone at all or leave things how they are?

GiddyPickle · 05/02/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JingleMum · 05/02/2011 14:05

GiddyPickle - that was me with the weird FIL dialling 1471 and demanding to know who was calling don't think the OP's FIL had overstepped that boundary?

actually, i need to find a way of dealing with that, he does it all the time! i'm sick of biting my tongue.

shirazgirl · 05/02/2011 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2rebecca · 06/02/2011 09:10

I think it sounds as though Jinglemum does have to remind her inlaws whose house it its.
No-one would be organising my cupboards unless I had asked them to. If they started I'd immediately say "excuse me this is ourkitchen, and it's up to my husband and I how we arrange the cupboards.
If anyone answered the phone whilst I was in then unless it had gone more than 4 or 5 rings and they couldn't see me and thought I was in toilet I'd be asking them not to do that.
I would get angry if someone dialed 1471 and tell them they were being nosy and that this was my house.
I hate people dialling 1471 and ringing you back and interrogating you anyway.
If anyone I know does this I always dial 141 before I dial. Most people now have answerphones and if I'd wanted to leave a message I would have.

quietlysuggests · 06/02/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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