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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get really wound up by the term 'delayed motherhood'

106 replies

hairyfairylights · 04/02/2011 20:03

and other such older-woman-who-has-not-yet-had-children bashing?

It was one of the things the BBC said was responsible for the rise in Breast Cancer.

More to beat women up with, and more to beat older women up with?

Propoganda because the nation will need more children to pay our pensions in the future?

For the record, I have not tried to have children until the last year, and I am in my early forties.

It doesn't mean I have delayed them or put my career first on purpose.

I just feel really got at when I see all those headlines about 'women who put their career before children are compromising their fertility' shite.

Not every woman who is trying for children at a later stage has deliberately 'delayed'.

(and boy do I wish I'd met the right man earlier and had had children earlier, but my life didn't work out like that. So I don't want to feel got at about it, as well as shit that I'm having trouble holding on to pregnancies).

OP posts:
barteringlines · 04/02/2011 21:47

YABU and oversensitive but understandably if you want kids and haven't, until now, had the opportunity.

chandellina · 04/02/2011 21:55

FGS, of course you delayed it. Were you a virgin before you met your husband? Or were you possibly using some form of birth control that gave you control over delaying your biological destiny?

lozster · 04/02/2011 21:58

the phrase I think (it was quite early so brain may not have been in gear) I heard on radio 4 this morning was 'choose to delay motherhood'.... so yes, it did make my blood boil because to me that sounds perjorative

TickettyBoo · 04/02/2011 21:58

Could've been worse - didn't they use to call over 30's geriatric mothers? lol (I'm one of them btw before I get lynched!)

chandellina · 04/02/2011 21:59

lozster, again see my reference to birth control. we DO delay it. If we are sexually active from the age of 16 or what have you and we use birth control, it is our CHOICE not to have children, whether because it's not the right man or for any other reason.

Maybee · 04/02/2011 22:00

It is delayed parenthood, mothers are not alone in the procreative process. Is this an issue that men get to opt out of?

TattyDevine · 04/02/2011 22:07

Ticketyboo - the medical term for a first time mother who is 35 or over is Elderly Primagravida

Shocking term, less of the "elderly" thanks! (not that I was one, I was about to turn 31 when I had my first but I'm about to turn 35!)

Grin
TickettyBoo · 04/02/2011 22:12

Least it sounds a bit more exotic than geriatric tatty! lol

Bogeyface · 04/02/2011 22:23

No you didnt plan it but still motherhood for you has been delayed.

lozster · 04/02/2011 22:29

I think what gets my back up is the implication that that every woman should have a child and anyone who does not or does not do so in whats considered to be a timely manner, is asking for health trouble. It's also quite offensive to those unable to conceive. Yes I get the point re: contraception and I also get that this is an explanation of a data set describing a whole population but I still think that the woman on radio 4 could have chosen her words more carefully.

NikonNelly · 04/02/2011 22:36

I think it is 'delayed' but not delayed by the choice to have/not to have kids but a million smaller choices that add up to 'its not time to have kids' IYSWIM.

I'm not sure I'm going to be able to explain this properly but here it goes..
A close friend from university spent her twenties dating a string of sexy, fun, exciting men whom she had a great time with. Whilst dating each one though there was some issue why this wouldn't be the one. One bloke was too bad with money and had a lot of debt from being irresponsible, one said he didn't want kids, one was too selfish to be the type of father she would want for her kids etc. BUT she kept dating them despite knowing these issues, for years in some cases. She really regrets those years now as she wished she had remained single rather than be in relationships that were going nowhere (or nowhere near kids anyway).
Feeling that life wasn't getting anywhere, she went back to education, retraining for a new career which meant her finances took a battering, again meaning she wasn't ready for kids.
Now she is getting older and is desperately trying to convince current boyfriend that he does want to get married and have kids and is very worried she will miss the boat fertility wise.
So she never choose to 'delay motherhood' at all but all those small choices along the way has built up to her situation she is in at the moment.

Does that make any sense? I hope it does, without sounding mean at all, I don't want to cause any offence.

On the otherhand, I knew I wanted to settle and have kids (I lacked any stability as a child and really wanted to have a stable family of my own). I had 'fun time' boyfriends until I was about 22 and then I realised that I couldn't just stay with someone if it wasn't 'the one', so once I thought a relationship wasn't going to be longterm (for all sorts of reasons) I made the break, choosing to single rather than in a relationship which would stop me finding someone else.

I was very lucky and found DH, we still had to wait a while for kids because of fertility issues (non age related, if at all relevant).

What I'm trying to say is that I think in some cases, it isn't one decision to put off having kids like the media seem to think it is ("career women risk fertility" type headlines). It can just be a combination of relationship/work/money/education choices that combined lead to kids later in life.

BeeBox · 04/02/2011 22:42

I agree with the OP that the way the term is used in the media is quite offensive, really. It just smacks of Daily Mail scare stories about career beeyatches who sacrifice having babies to climb the greasypole in the city (and other lame stereotypes).

However, not alk women end up childless at 40 becasue they were 'unlucky' in love.

Most of my female friends are wlel into their thirties and are only now even considering a family, because they have been having a lot of fun doing other things. I feel really inwardly torn about this. I want to see women achieve in their careers and have fabulous, action-packed lives, and I admire and applaud any woman whio goes out there and makes something of her life. But I do also think it is naive to get to 38 or 39 and suddenly decide you want children, as if it has never occurred to you before. Female fertility doesn't work like that.

chandellina · 04/02/2011 22:47

NN - I totally agree that it's not a simple situation of women putting one thing first. And it's not like women make these decisions in a vacuum - we grow up in a society where we do have access to birth control, are able to have multiple partners without any stigma, have a career, and all the other things that can lead to women being in their late 30s before they are in a position to try to have their first child.
And I agree with an earlier poster that it's not just women making decisions - I'm sure I would have avoided the worst of my infertility issues if my husband hadn't been so reluctant to try for children until I was 35.
but I still think delayed motherhood is delayed motherhood! and let's not forget there is now quite a large percentage of women who don't have children at all, by choice or not.

FreudianSlippery · 04/02/2011 22:49

I can see how it's emotive, but I think any choice of wording could be interpreted that way.

So they did say "choose to delay motherhood" - well it's true isn't it? You may not have had the choice, but lots of women do choose to leave it. I know plenty of young women (in steady relationships) who want to leave it because they want to do other stuff first - careers, travelling etc. My mum was one - married dad at 19, finally thought at 35 it was time to have a baby.

So the description is a good one even if it does not apply to everyone.

Original poster
hairyfairylights · 04/02/2011 23:00

So say a woman is a virgin til she's twenty five. Is that "delaying motherhood"?

I don't know if it's that I've not explained well.

For me I made a decision not to have children, due to various things.

And it was nothing at all to do with having a career (which seems to be trotted out a lot too)

I then met a man and decided i want to have children, within my child bearing years.

That's totally different from "delaying motherhood".

And as an aside, telling me now that I'm more at risk of breast cancer now helps me how exactly?

Telling me ten yrs ago wouldn't have made me have a child.

OP posts:
curlymama · 04/02/2011 23:02

Seems to me that this is just a classic case of people who are understandably feeling sensitive about something looking for something to be offended at. Whatever way you word it, you could find offence if you looked hard enough.

To the majority that isn't going through something simelar to the OP, the word 'delayed' probably doesn't even register. Yet when something really offensive is said regarding appearance, gender, race, it would be picked up on whether or not someone was personally affected.

Fact is, they have to describe it somehow, because they have information that it's good for people to know. How are they meant to say it.

NikonNelly · 04/02/2011 23:09

"And as an aside, telling me now that I'm more at risk of breast cancer now helps me how exactly?"

The only way it would be at all helpful would be to highlight that if you are statistically more at risk you ought to be particularly vigilant with self-checks. Otherwise you are right, it proves little use and I can see how to some it is just a further slap on the cheek.

Though I suppose women who are in their twenties now, reading those headlines might rethink a few choices they are currently making and re-evaluate where they are headed life/work/family wise.

chandellina · 04/02/2011 23:14

hfl - i think you are too close to this. You acknowledge your choices but then say they are totally different from having delayed motherhood.
that doesn't really make sense.
if you are unsuccesful in your effort to have children will you also take offence at the description "childless" since it might imply a choice?
i do understand though that it is really annoying to feel like you are being blamed by the media or society for a situation that doesn't feel to have been entirely within your control.
and i hope you are successful ...

pigletmania · 04/02/2011 23:23

Hairy been thinking about you, hows everthing going? We are TTC without waiting for a period so we will see, dont hold out much hope, took 1 year to get this far only to MC

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/02/2011 23:29

Also think the term is pejorative.

What do you say if someone never wants to have children? 'Delayed indefinitely?'

TryLikingClarity · 05/02/2011 06:29

I agree with what CurlyMama said.

Not often I do that, but this time I do.

activate · 05/02/2011 06:49

what a pile of shit!

of course it's delayed motherhood

we become capable of having children at puberty - not having a child till 30 or 40 is delayed in biological terms whatever the reason - imbuing it with insult is just reaching for an upset

pushmepullyou · 05/02/2011 06:49

The other point here is that as far as I can work out it's not the timing of motherhood that actually affects the risk but the number of children. So a woman who had her single child at 20 would have the same risk as a woman who had her single child at 35.

Plus as the 20 year old is statistically less likely to breastfeed then her risk may be higher as bfing has a significant protective effect.

There are many other risk facotors including obesity, inactivity and alcohol, but it is always 'delaying motherhood' that gets headline reporting. The implication being that women have, through their demands for equality, to some extent brought this on themselves.

MommyMayhem · 05/02/2011 06:59

I only half agree with you hairyfairylights. Yes, it is insulting to hear these terms and suggestions that women who delay motherhood were making a lifestyle choice, however...

Fertility declines dramatically after the age of about 37 and women just don't seem to be getting the message. This isn't helped by older celebrity mothers having (donor egg) babies in their mid to late 40s and claiming it was all down to yoga and a good diet. If you delay motherhood until you are in your 40s then your chances of conceiving are much, much lower than they would have been 10 years previously.

So yes, it hurts, but it is a biological fact.

WordOfTheDay · 05/02/2011 08:44

I agree that "delayed" motherhood definitely sounds like the woman should have had a child earlier and has chosen to delay. (I do understand that, strictly speaking, the cause of delay is not imputed.)

To all those saying "of course, it's "delayed", what else could it possibly be called?", a better term was suggested earlier "late(r) motherhood".