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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Appear Not to Know My Own Mind

31 replies

TheFantasticFixit · 04/02/2011 14:11

I'm 30 and I think I am in the midst of some kind of existential crisis. I am engaged, to a lovely man and we had originally planned to get married this year. Due to loads of different reasons we have postponed the date informally to next year (ie. haven't booked anything up yet for new date). I am in a right quandry at the moment as the more I think about the wedding, and getting married (which I definitely want to do, no questions there) but I so badly want to have a baby. I am terrified that I can't have children; we have been trying for 5 months and nothing (even worse, I have had 4 friends announce pregnancies in that time and they had been trying less time than us). Our parents desperately want us to marry first, but I don't think I do - I want to have a child and start our family, if we can.

I feel pushed and pulled in so many directions - between the opinions of our families, to my emotional pull of trying for a baby. If we marry first, then TTC will need to wait until the end of 2012, and if we TTC first then we will postpone the wedding until summer 2013.

I don't know what to do - I can't sleep for worrying about what needs to come first. And worrying that if I put off having children then it may never happen for us. Has anyone else been through this, AIBU, and finally wwyd?!

OP posts:

RealityIsKnockedUp · 04/02/2011 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NormanTheForeman · 04/02/2011 14:14

If it's any help, I was 39 when ds was born, and I know lots of people who have had babies in their late 30s or early 40s. I think at 30 you have lots of time.

manicbmc · 04/02/2011 14:14

What Reality said. And try not to worry about doing what your family expects.

Flisspaps · 04/02/2011 14:15

It's got bugger all to do with your parents as to when you have a baby. None of it 'needs' to come first at all.

NinkyNonker · 04/02/2011 14:15

This'll be short as one handed, but hy do you have to postpone wedding to ttc? Do both! The average time to conception is 6 mo, so obviously people vary greatly round that. Took us bang on 6 mo, and I know exactly how you feel

TattyDevine · 04/02/2011 14:16

And - dont discuss these things with your family! I know its tempting to confide, but it always ends up biting you in the bum!

When you do get married, dont show anyone your table plan prior to the big day! That also causes debate and ructions!

You get my drift. Zip it.

And good luck.

Original poster

TheFantasticFixit · 04/02/2011 14:20

Thank you so much for replying - it means a lot as this has been in my head going round, and round, and round for ages.

Has anyone else had that feeling of absolutely anxious NEED to TTC? My fiance wants to be a dad but doesn't 'get' what I'm on about. It makes me feel sick to think that it may not happen..

OP posts:

diddl · 04/02/2011 14:21

Why would it matter if baby came first-unless you think that that might mean you then wouldn´t get around to marrying?

Why can´t you get married this year as planned?

It really doesn´t have to take a lot of effort/organisation if that´s the problem?

Perhaps you are too stressed atm & that´s not helping with the TTC?

Pixieonthemoor · 04/02/2011 14:23

Maybe I am missing something here but why cant you do both at the same time? I mean plan your wedding and at the same time try for a baby? I have a feeling you might have quite traditional parents and in-laws? Well, they are going to have to suck it up if you are preg or have had a baby when the wedding happens. It is the modern way and I have seen some simply ravishing brides glowing and gliding up the aisle (one in a fabulous grecian style dress which was fab over a bump) whilst quite obv pg! You will have a little bit of head room before the bump starts to show anyway esp as it is the first one. Ask yourself - what do you want with no ref to anyone else other than your dh to be. Marrying and starting a family are two of the biggest things in adult life and you really need to make the decision based on what feels best for you.

Try to stop worrying about not being able to have children. In my experience, stressing out about getting pregnant is the very enemy of conception. Easier said than done, I know but you need to relax. 5 months is nothing! I tried for 18 months and 12 months respectively for my dc's and even if there are a few problems medically, there are plenty of things that the docs can do these days. Try not to worry and good luck!

Original poster

TheFantasticFixit · 04/02/2011 14:31

I think that I have been brought up to think that you get married, and then a year or so later you have a baby after that - blah blah, you know what I mean. My Dad put a deposit on the venue some time ago and we had to move house, made redundant etc in the meantime. The venue are fine about us postponing and will put the deposit money onto whatever date we want in the future - but we have to decide when it will be. I think that I have always tried to do everything 'properly' - certainly felt a bit of pressure from my family to do that, as my sister is the complete opposite, in fact, quite opposite. Diddl - I do feel stressed. Enormously so actually by it all and I know that I am my own worst enemy being so.

Pixie - 18 and 12 months does put our 5 in perspective definitely. I think my judgement has been clouded by my friends very early and successful TTCs!

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 14:38

I think you need to think about what kind of wedding you want as well, because I wonder whether the idea of the kind of wedding you think you should have is actually stressing you out. Aware I'm projecting my own views - but I really am very glad to be married, but my wedding day was not all that important to me (us).

I did do it in the "right" order, but often what I observe in my friends who have had children and then married later is that they are able, or feel able to suit themselves more, maybe get the money side a bit more in perspective ie don't spend as much, and have the added bonus of having their DCs - the real fruits of their relationship there on the special day

diddl · 04/02/2011 14:41

Well I also wanted to get married first & have children a couple of years later.

I did marry first but not until I was 31 so we decided to TTC straight away.

Well, a few weeks before as I´d had laser surgery which meant no sex so I decided to come off the pill then.

I had a period on honeymoon & bawled because I wasn´t pregnant-that must have only been a month of no contraception!

diddl · 04/02/2011 14:43

"I think you need to think about what kind of wedding you want as well,"

I agree with that.

By todays standards mine was very basic tbh.

Didn´t seem much point in spending a lot of money knowing that we wanted to try for a family straight away.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 14:43

I also think that if you and you OH are ready, you should continue ttc. A bird in the hand and all that, (again, biased - had first child at 30).

You do know that a wedding can be as simple as the people you love the most, in a registry office, and then a restaurant meal afterwards - you don't "need" over-priced venues and a year to prepare

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 14:45

X post diddl

kepler10b · 04/02/2011 14:50

sounds like you are already ttc AND planning your wedding. you have more control of the date of wedding than date of conception. so keep up the good work i say.

if you haven't conceived after a year of trying (or are really anxious before then) go and talk to you gp about it.

diddl · 04/02/2011 14:50

I did have a church wedding-with a second hand dress, bouquets/buttonholes/corsages done by friends, mum & I decorated the church & the reception was a sit down meal for about 60.

No evening do-I think that was where we saved the most money!

So, basic, but I´m as married as people who spent 10 times as much!

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 14:53

diddl - exactly - and I'm sorry to say this, but amongst the many many people who got married in the years around the time we did poshest/biggest/most expensive wedding did not equal best marriage.

Anyhoo, I am aware I have a bit of a wedding-related bee in my bonnet so shall not keep going on

Original poster

TheFantasticFixit · 04/02/2011 14:54

I know.. the problem is that when we first got engaged and everyone was so hoopla at the news that the wedding machine was in fill throttle and we 'booked' the venue at that point (it is local to us and we knew pretty quickly where we wanted to get married) so the deposit went down. We don't have any problems moving the date as the venue will transfer the money onto the new date and it is lovely - but I am wishing that we had not got caught up in the whole hoopla of the wedding and spent some time thinking about what we wanted to do next. It doesn't help that my fiance's stepmother became the MIL from hell during the early discussions with her very definite ideas about what we should have for OUR wedding. To be honest, when it needed to be postponed I was relieved to not have to organise it at that point any longer. And then as all the dust settled and we moved house and life got back on track after all the upheaval we knew that it was more important to us to TTC. I want to be his wife, very much so; but I want to be a mother more. And desperately.

OP posts:

SmethwickBelle · 04/02/2011 14:58

What you are refering is of course commonly known as The Biological Clock going off and I had something similar at the same age, so I do sympathise, very normal. Once you get your head around deciding you want to be pregnant it is maddening to realise that it doesn't necessarily happen quickly (first bump for me took a good year... last when I didn't care as much a mere two cycles). Once you want it everyone and their sister seems to be getting knocked up, I thought I was in an episode of The Prisoner with those giant balls following me, except the balls were other people's bumps .

It dawned on me recently that after a good long period of being the master of my own destiny, TTC was the start of having things more out of my control, a theme that continues into parenting small children with a brain and agenda of their own, so as far as humanly possible try to go with the flow, hope you get your bump soon x

Original poster

TheFantasticFixit · 04/02/2011 14:59

JLC - please don't stop - it helps really to put it all in perspective. It's the first time I have put this 'out there' - I've been burrowing my head in the sand rather hoping that I will magically get pregnant and then everyone will have to accept that it has come first. Spoke to my Dad a little about it all last night but he finds the whole idea of me TTC (first born) somewhat disturbing so couldn't say too much! They would be over the moon if we had a child, I know they would, but I know that ideally they would rather that we are married first. And my Dad is disappointed as he is so looking forward to walking me up the aisle as well I think. I definitely have an issue with thinking that I am letting people, especially family, down - even when it is to my detriment

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 15:00

You have my sympathies - so much pressure starts once weddings are in the offing. Try to keep a clear head and don't bow to pressure though - it will stand you in good stead once you do have DCs

You seem pretty clear about what you and your OH want. It seems to me that if you postpone TTC then you'll be very unhappy.

JamieLeeCurtis · 04/02/2011 15:04

You sound very close to your family, which is a lovely thing, but I do wonder of you need to start getting yourself in a mind-set which is more about your new family - OH and you.

diddl · 04/02/2011 15:15

OK, might have totally misunderstood this but..

Is the problem that you can´t afford the venue atm?

In which case how will that change if you have a baby?

Or that the venue means it will be a big wedding which you no longer want?

If so, how about looking at organising the wedding you want/can afford now-and seeing if someone else will take the booked venue off you?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 04/02/2011 15:16

It sounds to me like you very much want to be married to DP but without all of the wedding fuss. If I have that right and you are sure you want to be married to him then I would talk to him and only him. Decide exactly what you two want to happen on your wedding day. 20 guests, 200 guests? Cars, bus there? Sit down mean, fish & chips in rugs in the garden? Traditional wedding gear, jeans & t-shirts? (you get the gist). Then set a date for ASAP, tell everyone else what is happening, thank SMIL for her thoughs, but reassure her you have thought of everything and have already made your minds up. Do it, get married on your terms.

Don't take precautions, carry on having lots of good sex and stop thinking about TTC - concentrate on loving each other and it will all come together.

If you have planned the wedding for 'ASAP' it wont matter if you are pregnant or not when you walk down the aisle.

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