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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be having a wobble about husband's vasectomy?

34 replies

EsioTrot · 04/02/2011 12:16

I have 2 IMO beautiful children, a boy and a girl. DD has just turned 1 and after being a bit of a velcro baby is now entering a golden phase of delightfulness. This combined with me getting a teeny tiny bit of time away from the home (am SAHM) has made the last couple of months so enjoyable and I feel like we've finally hit our stride. In all honesty the first 10 months of her life were a bit of a shock to the system and I found the jump from 1 to 2 children far harder than 0 to 1.

DH is convinced that he doesn't want any more children and in my saner moments I agree with him. He has made an appointment to speak to the GP to get a referral for a vasectomy. Financially we can manage at the moment (although money is tight), we can give both children quite a bit of attention and we all fit in our house fairly comfortably. 3 would stretch us financially and if I'm honest probably mentally for me too.

Why then, when I know it makes sense to accept that our family is complete, do I find it so sad to accept that I'll never be pregnant again and we'll never have another baby? I don't even particularly like being pregnant or find the newborn stage easy (tend to overthink things and worry excessively).

I feel so ridiculously lucky to have my children and need someone to kick my arse and tell me to get on with it.

OP posts:
Poogles · 04/02/2011 12:26

I know how you feel! DH is booked in for the op on the 18th! We have 2 DS, have no desire for a 3rd or for a girl!

I have had moments of feeling down and put it down to knowing that I couldn't have another if I changed my mind even though hell would freeze over before I would even consider it! I think we always want what we can't have!

Don't beat yourself up - recognise that you are sad that you won't be able to have any more then celebrate the fact that you have 2 beautiful DC and will be getting your life back in some shape or form!

Original poster
EsioTrot · 04/02/2011 12:45

Thanks poogles. It really helps to know that you can understand where I'm coming from and that it's probably all part of the process of moving into a new phase of our lives away from the baby stage.

I think my feelings have been exacerbated by the fact that DD is an early walker and in the last month has lost any pretence of being a tiny baby. I now have to accept my baby days are behind me...

Thanks for replying and good luck to your DH Wink

OP posts:
Foreverondiet · 04/02/2011 14:04

If you really don't want him to have a vasectomy then why not go instead and get a coil? That was neither of you have to worry about contraception, but if you both change your minds later its easily reversible.

MrSpoc · 04/02/2011 14:07

i think you feel like this because it will be final. no more kids even if you wanted to

I would love to get the snip but my wife wants a 3rd, hopefully a girl.

rubyrubyruby · 04/02/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 04/02/2011 14:10

I understand. DH was booked in for the snip after I had no 3, and , despite knowing we didn't want to have any more children, I ended up cancelling it!

I think it is the finality of it. Now, a couple of years down the line, I am getting something of a life back, and have new projects and interests too, I feel much more definite that I won't have any more, and much more at ease with that decision, but that has come through time! Have recently mentioned to DH that I am now ready for him to have that vasectomy- funnily enough, he isn't quite so keen now!

IHateLivingHere · 04/02/2011 14:51

If I'd known before, what I know now, I wouldn't have let my DH have the snip, but for completely different reasons!

He had the snip just over a year ago. We have 2 DC, teenagers, one of each, so no reason not to really.....

Except that ever since he had the op, he's had prostate infections and unexplained pain in one side. On reading more about it, it appears this is not uncommon Confused and I feel really sorry for him now. Sorry if this is TMI, but he also has pain when he comes, which he never did before.... Sad

Do some googling on vasectomies before you make the choice, or rather before he makes his choice Grin

Bottleofbeer · 04/02/2011 14:57

I was sterilised and out of pure paranoia it would fail, the other half went for the snip. Now I really, really want another baby.

No, I don't, not really. I think back to the days of sleepless nights and those days that you NEVER forget when the baby cried all day long no matter what you did for them and realise that no ta, done my baby/toddler bit. Now my youngest is at school and they aren't as dependent -- that actually I'm enjoying this small freedom from needing eyes in the back of my head.

Wobbles are totally normal, but I think it's often more a sadness at putting the baby days to bed, once and for all. No going back, no more "maybe one day" in the back of your mind. Of course, however, if it's more than a general sadness at the end of a huge era in your life then maybe something less permanent is more suitable for you at the moment?

Original poster
EsioTrot · 04/02/2011 17:03

Thanks so much everyone for replying.

Foreverondiet I had considered a coil but had one fitted before (mirena) and had awful problems with it before having it removed after 9 months. It's made me a bit dubious about going down that route again.

rubyrubyruby why not?

jooly it's good to hear that a few years down the line you feel more certain. Maybe I do just need to ask DH to hold fire for a bit.

IHLH that sounds awful for him. We have done some research but statistically it's still more likely to have a positive outcome. I'm not meaning to belittle your DH's condition. Is there a chance that things will improve for him?

I think BottleofBeer and other posters who are suggesting that it is just coming to terms with the finality of the situation are probably right. That said I'm tempted to try another coil, just to buy a bit of thinking time.

OP posts:
Acanthus · 04/02/2011 17:07

It's a bit soon maybe? We talked about it at this stage but DH didn't actually have the op until DS2 was 3yo. I felt more ready then, wouldn't have wanted to go back to the baby stage, but you're still init so I think it's hard to judge.

sazm · 04/02/2011 17:19

my dh has had a similar experience to IHLH's dh,
he doesnt have the same sensation,he says he doesnt have the same itensity of orgasm,he says its a totally different feeling now,he has had problems with lumps,and has to keep going for scans incase its anything sinister,luckily its not but he has to put up with them,and its difficult to tell if he has a new lump or not,so chances are if it was anything to worry abouit,it may not be picked up in time.
he would DEF not reccommend it to anyone,and wishes he'd never had it done :(

FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 17:22

Do you feel broody for more? I can't tell you how suddenly complete our family felt when whe had DD4, but we didn't do anything final until she was well out of the baby stage...just in case!

I got the wobbles before DH got the snip about a month ago, but it was just 'how sad that I'll never carry a baby again? or give birth? or have my own newborn?' and I know that because I knew I didn't actually want to be pregnant again, or give birth, or have a newborn again!

Once he'd had it done, it was like a weight had been lifted! I think we'd have really, really regretted it though if one of us still felt that the family wasn't complete.

valiumredhead · 04/02/2011 17:24

If it is just financial reasons behind the vasectomy then I would say definitely don't have it done. You have no idea what is around the corner, like a new job or inheritance which would make things easier.

You need to be absolutely sure that your family is complete.

onehotmomma · 04/02/2011 17:37

I agree you have to be absolutely sure you do not want anymore children. IMO it seems you are not.

OH got the snip last september and although I only wanted two children (which I have) I do feel sad that I will never have another.

I still get broody when I see newborns but I definately do not want anymore. My family is complete :)

Northernlurker · 04/02/2011 17:44

We made this decision after our much wanted dd3. Up to then i didn't feel done - once she arrived that was it, a really strong feeling of now I am Finished! It's working out fine for us so far - dd3 is 4 in April.

Original poster
EsioTrot · 04/02/2011 18:45

Well after a hideous dinner where both children refused to eat what I had cooked and DS got sent from the table for being rude I'm considering "fixing" DH myself tonight with the kitchen scissors Grin

In all seriousness your comments have got me thinking and I feel even more strongly that I don't want another baby; however I am going to chat with GP about contraceptive options in the short term. Part of me just wants it over and done with so that I can't think about it any more (not a sensible reason for having op I know).

I am also concerned for DH after IHLH and sazm's OH's experiences. DH is such a rational statistics based type that I know he'll re-iterate my previous comment about the outcome most likely being positive.

OP posts:
Original poster
EsioTrot · 04/02/2011 18:47

Should read just re-iterate Blush

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 04/02/2011 18:49

Are you sure you're ready for the final decision? When DH went for his snip I felt like a huge weight was being lifted from my shoulders, it was wonderful!! But I'm keeping my coil in too, just in case. I really don't want any more kids!!

FreudianSlippery · 04/02/2011 18:52

If you are even 1% unsure that you are finished having babies, do not do it!!!

My GP advised using alternative contraception for a few years first.

I am so glad I listened. We were SO sure we didn't want another... But have now changed our minds (not completely, but basically a third is no longer off the table)

Original poster
EsioTrot · 04/02/2011 18:56

That's funny about keeping your coil Annie Grin Perversely it is a fear of getting pregnant which is driving us towards a vasectomy in the first place, condoms just feel too unreliable somehow.

OP posts:
lockets · 04/02/2011 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidookly · 04/02/2011 19:14

You are sad because it's a definite closing off of possibilities.

I think it's the same reason why people who are pregnant for what they plan to be the last time sometimes get sad when the find out the sex of the baby, particularly if they have several the same gender.

It's the feeling of "never" - I'll never have a son, I'll never have a third

The endless possibility of youth, the children you imagined you'd have, all vague and unformed are replaced by the certainties of middle age and the actual children you have.

There's a poignancy about it, a sadness, even if you don't want any more, don't much care whether you ever have a son or a daughter.

Deciding to never have any more children is a different decision to just not having any more. Maybe you're not ready for it. Couldn't he wait a while?

cybbo · 04/02/2011 19:15

Yes but

the es ee ex afterwards

is MILES better

Original poster
EsioTrot · 04/02/2011 19:16

Congratulations lockets :)

Freudian that sounds like the way forward for me.. All I have to do now is convince DH to wait...he's very keen to get it all sorted.

OP posts:
BanalChelping · 04/02/2011 19:17

My husband is getting his vasectomy next week Grin I do feel a tiny bit sad that I will never experience another pregnancy but I am happy with my two boys. Having had a PPH with DS1 then nearly losing DS2 to Group B Strep I can't risk a third (and even worse) delivery. The only real worry I have is how long I can be sympathetic towards DH when he is grabbing peas out of the freezer to soothe his balls and telling me it's a pain worse than anyone else has ever experienced Grin