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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was controlling and petty?

54 replies

JaneS · 04/02/2011 12:09

My parents are coming down to visit me tomorrow. They wanted to go to a particular restaurant, and when I booked it just now they only had tables free at 6.30 or 9pm, so I went with 6.30. I do know my parents usually eat more like 7.30/8, but my mum would be starving hungry by 9 so it seemed the better option.

She is now furious that I booked at a time that's 'not dinner time' and insists she won't be hungry then, will not want to eat and I've 'spoilt' their meal. I figure we can just go, order some drinks and eat slowly - it'll easily be more like 7 by the time we get starters, at the very earliest.

I admit that when I saw my parents more often, I would have remembered what time mum likes to eat and automatically deferred to that, but I'd forgotten and didn't think it was important.

Is it me, or is this a totally ridiculous thing to get upset about?

OP posts:

Katisha · 04/02/2011 12:44

Well if you know she will keep up the sulky vibe for the whole meal, then cancel now! WHy put yourself through it?

Get some food in and she can either deign to squash herself into your garret and eat it or she can go home.

kittybuttoon · 04/02/2011 12:49

Unless there are medical reasons, her behaviour is inexcusable.

(I have to take pills at particular times of day and can't eat for an hour afterwards, so I have to be a careful about meals out. But, despite this, I wouldn't ever be rude about someone not being able to get a table to suit me!)

I think you should make it clear that you are quite happy to cook, so you can enjoy each other's company at home - and not take no for an answer! She's behaving like a spoilt child!

Original poster

JaneS · 04/02/2011 12:53

wheredid - that's a very helpful reminder, thanks.

I expect it is quite hard for her. She and my dad don't find it easy to let go!

I'm not going to cancel, as my dad will enjoy the meal and frankly, I've planned it now and don't want to re-jig all my plans. But I feel better for the replies and will just try to get my dad on my side!

OP posts:

Onetoomanycornettos · 04/02/2011 12:58

Your mum is being ridiculous, whenever you go out with other people, you often have to move your own plans a bit to all fit together, you know, and have fun. You probably won't be eating the main til 7.30 anyway.

It sounds so formal and not that fun at all, I'd personally say I don't fancy going out and get a takeaway, but then if my family were interested in food they would never come and see me as I am a crap cook and only slightly better at organizing things. You aren't running a works event where you should 'think ahead', it's family!

HannahHack · 04/02/2011 12:58

My mother is like this and it drives me mad. I think its a control thing, by telling her that she will have her meal at a different time of day and that she can't control it (ie. she wasn't the one calling up the restuarant at a certain time to demand a certain time)it has taken her out of her comfort zone and she doesn't like it.

I don't have any answers though. I have a three day holiday booked with my mum and rest of family in a few months time and I am already trying to work out what I can do/not do to avoid complaints and fussing.

You have my sympathies!

hoolabombshell · 04/02/2011 13:08

YANBU. For goodness sake it is one meal on one day - her reaction is a tad over the top.

You say your mum 'insists she won't be hungry then' (dramatic flounce?), you say you should have 'automatically deferred' to her preferred meal time. Well you sort of did didn't you, in booking the earlier slot and taking into account that, with drinks and starters you probably won't be eating your main meal until nearer her preferred time anyway?

With all due respect to your own mother I don't think you should feel bad about something she's being so obviously childish about.

Original poster

JaneS · 04/02/2011 13:09

Ouch, hannah, you have mine too! Sounds like they are very similar.

It does drive me nuts - it is a control issue and she will just decide something is unacceptable almost for the sake of it. But because this is semi-reasonable (it is annoying we couldn't get 7.30), my dad will probably think she is entirely in the right.

OP posts:

Katisha · 04/02/2011 13:11

Yeah suppose you can't cancel really!

MIL is a nightmare in restaurants - very rude to staff (without meaning to be, but that's how it come across) and never satisfied with what she gets. No-one can relax when eating out with her.

I'm sure they are all spitting in our soup out the back.

She has one restaurant that she approves of and is only really happy there. Despite it actually being pretty ordinary.

Alphababe · 04/02/2011 13:16

She's being unreasonable! I wouldn't stand for that sort of nonsense myself. Tell her you will see her after dinner. They can eat when they want and come to you after they've eaten.

kazmus · 04/02/2011 13:20

Jeepers, as a visiting grown up mum I'll eat at any time if someone else is cooking it! Even better if I dont have to clear up..should be grateful for the luxury, and be pleased to be having time with her family whenever she eats!

neighbourhoodwitch · 04/02/2011 13:26

Yes, totally agree with Queribus. I think it is sad, and you sound so lovely too. She sound like a Diva. Good luck with however it works out, and try to rise above it x

Original poster

JaneS · 04/02/2011 13:28

Oh, I'm not lovely ...

Thanks for the support.

OP posts:

Tabliope · 04/02/2011 14:03

If you arrive 6.30 by the time you settle at the table, order drinks which will take 10 minutes to arrive, then your order will be taken (say 6.50pm) it'll be 7.20 by the time you get your food I'm guessing. Sounds like perfect timing to me. I'd point that out when the food arrives, but your mum sounds unreasonable so that'll probably cause an argument so best not. Hope you can enjoy it.

nickelthenaughtybutnicefairy · 04/02/2011 14:09

you are lovely, stop it!

Now, if this were my family, I wold say "it's my 6-month-a-versary, and if you don't want to spend time with us, then we can always cancel it"
Normally, that makes my mum concede.
Unfortunately, i have the feeling that your mum's a bit more stubborn than that...

say "it's our 6-month-aversary, can you please not be so awkward about what tiem we eat just this once?"

FakePlasticTrees · 04/02/2011 14:18

why not just call somewhere else and book a table for the 'correct' time - then call your mother back, say your holding 2 tables, one a the restaurant she likes but at the time she doesn't, one at a place she doesn't like (but you think is fine) at the time she wants. She can tell you which table to call back and let go.

Original poster

JaneS · 04/02/2011 14:29

nickel - Ooh, I'd forgotten it's our 6-month anniversary coming up! Are you celebrating?

I've told her we're going at 6.30 and it will all be fine, so I hope to goodness they don't pester us for the table. I think she's calmed down a bit and is now doing the old 'I am such a martyr; you are such a disorganized child'. This is much easier to deal with!

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 04/02/2011 14:32

Adults should be able to be a little bit flexible about the times they eat.

"That's not inner time". Right, whatever.

diddl · 04/02/2011 14:36

Unless she has a medical condition that dictates when she should eat then she is being ridiculous.

You should go with just your husband & leave them at yours so that your mum can eat at her usual time!

Sounds a fine time to me as I hate eating late.

GloriaSmut · 04/02/2011 14:57

We don't eat dinner at 6.30. Normally. But if invited out for meals we go along with what has been organised by whoever booked the table. If location is more important than time then sometimes you have to compromise. But in any case, everyone eats dinner at a different time and sensible adults accept this and enjoy the company first and foremost. As others have said, a 6.30 arrival is unlikely to result in eating before 6.50-7.00 at the earliest by the time you are all sat down and ordered.

Your mother sounds spoilt and controlling if you don't mind me saying but I hope the meal goes well.

nickelthenaughtybutnicefairy · 04/02/2011 15:09

we are going to have a quiet night in, with loads of shagging after dinner (yes, we have to do that cos we're trying to make a baby )

glad she's calmed down a bit - she'll enjoy herself, don't worry!

Original poster

JaneS · 04/02/2011 15:13

Aww, I am jealous. DH doesn't want to try yet (and he's probably right). Mind you, having had my parents around, I sincerely doubt we'd be in the mood!

I reckon we'll celebrate on Sunday!

OP posts:

kickassangel · 04/02/2011 15:38

my dad is v like this - if asked whether he's hungry or thirsty, he checks his watch. he just doesn't understand that not everyone lives by set timetables ALL the time - they are shocked that sometimes we don't have lunch til 2 at the weekend & wonder if we're upsetting/damaging dd by not giving her set times!

but then, i'm fairly certain my dad has autistic/ocd traits, and my mum just goes along with it because upsetting his routine causes an emotional meltdown that is painful to behold.

btw - if my dad doesn't get his morning coffee at 11 am, then by 11.05, he is getting upset, pacing, loud breathing, pointedly asking my mum if she's thirsty yet etc. so i'm quite jealous that you're getting away with a whole hour!

Katisha · 04/02/2011 16:31

MIL has very distinct windows of opportunity to drink anything.
If you offer her coffee she'll do a huge calculation about when she had the last one and when she expects to get the next one, multiplied by time of breakfast and the potential time of lunch, and it's invariably the Wrong Time.
And on the rare occasion you get it right, you then have to sit down and drink it with a chocolate biscuit and Engage in Conversation - no swigging coffee while you get on with other stuff...

Original poster

JaneS · 04/02/2011 16:54

Wow, kickass - that does not sound nice for you and your mum! Mine isn't that precise, but you do have to watch her - she gets irritable when she's hungry and eventually she will get to meltdown point where she'll start screaming and throwing things. By this point it's usually too late to find the food she wants - I remember driving through the Cotswolds one time, and she kept refusing each place as being too down-market, too greasy-smelling, too expensive and so on until she worked herself up into a real rage that it was late and we'd found nowhere to eat.

I am aware she is Not Normal, but quite glad now there's some time flexibility in it!

Katisha - at least mine isn't my MIL! DH is a saint. It must be really hard feeling as if you're getting it wrong when you're only trying to be nice and offer her a drink.

OP posts:

catsmother · 04/02/2011 17:06

Tell her to skip lunch so she'll be starving by 6.30 (or 7 when the food arrives). Jeez.

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