Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think my mil should have included my dh in this

73 replies

luc2011 · 04/02/2011 11:13

my mil has just informed me that she took out insurance policies for her 6 children all of which are adults ten years ago and they are ready to be cashed now. the youngest child when she was taking them out would have been a teenager and my dh the eldest would have been early twenties. Then she went on to say that she didnt take one out for my dh but took it out for our dc who was the only grandchild at the time. Because there is a history of her treating my dh differently (harder than the rest) I am very upset about this. aibu

OP posts:

SarahBumBarer · 04/02/2011 12:20

I assumed the mil was the life assured and the children the beneficiaries. OP may not know the exact position without seeing the docs.

OP - YABU. In this instance I think it was reasonable and respectful of your DH's position as a father to treat him differently.

FabbyChic · 04/02/2011 12:22

Is it relevant what else is bothering the OP? It isn't really is it?

GORGEOUSX · 04/02/2011 12:29

swanandduck · 04/02/2011 12:34

Of course it is Fabby. Otherwise her opening post makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

monkeyflippers · 04/02/2011 12:45

I think that there is obviously a lot more going on the in the relationship between your DH and your MIL that has left him feeling treated differently.

Original poster

luc2011 · 04/02/2011 14:18

sorry had to go out, not sure what type of policy it is her words were "insurance policy". REading your replies it does very much look that I am being greedy, ungrateful but honestly I am not one bit concerned with the money part of it I just feel that she doesnt acknowledge my husband, she is constantly on our case since we have had kids. I dont want to eleaborate too much but for instance just a week after dc3 was born she stopped talking to dh because he wouldnt let our dc1 sip a bit of beer, so she is coming up visiting us but ignoring dh becuase he asked her not to do this. She stopped talking to us becuase I bought a christening gown for dc and she wanted him to wear her dc's gown, she is fine one day with him then ignores or starts an argument accusing him of not putting on clothes she bought for dc on our dc which is not true now this is only the tip of the iceberg honestly but all these things are constant in out lives so when this happened I just felt there you go again...btw dh is really good to her and involves her with everying. She always says he is brilliant and she'd be lost without him after a few drinks but why be like this.

OP posts:

GORGEOUSX · 04/02/2011 14:42

Your MIL sounds like a truly dreadful woman. Fancy offering a child alcohol! Disgraceful - you say that after a few drinks she's nice about your DH - is she a bit of an alcoholic?

swanandduck · 04/02/2011 14:44

Well, she does sound awkward and difficult and in that context I can see how you would feel she pointedly put your dc instead of dh on the policy.

Original poster

luc2011 · 04/02/2011 14:47

no not at all she is definetly not an alcoholic but says her father used to give dh a sip of his beer you know to see the kids face grimace or whatever and its harmless, its ridiculous things like this every week we have to contend with and then she stops talking to us but not only does she stop talking to us but gets the rest of family to stop too until she's ready to snap out of her mood with dh

OP posts:

GORGEOUSX · 04/02/2011 15:42

You have my sympathies - she is a truly awful woman. I don't believe you are bothered about these policies - it sounds as if it's just the straw that broke the camel's back.

Do the rest of the family recognise that she's an awkward cow? If so, I suggest you just try and take some comfort in that.

If I were you I would distance yourselves from her, gradually, over time, so that it doesn't become an issue in itself, and just concentrate on your DH and DC and then it will bother you less. Hopefully, in time you will just be irritated by her instead of angry at her - it's hard I know.

bubblewrapped · 04/02/2011 16:04

a ten year old asking for a sip of beer is not going to do him any harm..

GORGEOUSX · 04/02/2011 16:15

No, the sip is not going to do him any harm, but the message is - it's wrong. Why on earth would you want your child to drink alcohol?

TandB · 04/02/2011 17:08

I think YABVU. She is giving a gift to your child, her grandchild, completely without obligation, presumably because she thought it would be a nice thing to do. Her other children don't have children of their own so she gave the gift to them directly. My FIL is highly likely to leave money to his grandhcildren, tied up in trust, rather than to his children because, much as he loves his childrens' partners, he feels strongly that he wants his estate to go directly to his descendants. I could get my knickers in a twist about that, I suppose, but it is his money and he is making sure it goes to the people he cares about most - his blood relatives.

Is it possible that your MIL has similar ideas? And is it possible that she has issues with you (if there is a history) and is "keeping it in the family"?

Anyway, if you are uncomfortable enough about this to complain to her directly (which I think is a terrible thing to do by the way) then the most appropriate thing to do would be to return the money.

Lamorna · 04/02/2011 17:11

I think that you either accept it with good grace or return the money.

GORGEOUSX · 04/02/2011 17:25

Just want to add, that re the money, yes, I agree with Lamorna

ZombiePlan · 04/02/2011 19:26

So you have 3 DC and only one has a policy? I can quite see why you'd have preferred it to be in your DH's name so it could be shared out equally. Was your oldest DC the only one on the scene when the policies were taken out?

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/02/2011 19:35

I can see where you're coming from. If you have children, you treat them all equally (providing that they're not some axe wielding maniac) - at least, we do in this family.

I would imagine that the money would have come in very handy given that you've got 3 children, and presume that because it was set up in the name of one child they won't receive it until they're 18? I'm also a bit puzzled as to why she wouldn't set up something similar for her other grandchilren - giving to one is going to make things tricky in years to come.

kittybuttoon · 04/02/2011 19:40

Whrn she set up the policies, she obviously intended them to be a lovely surprise in years to come, because she didn't mention to anyone what she'd been doing all those years.

Bet she wishes she hadn't bothered now!

Don't hold your breath waiting to be remembered in her will, after this little incident.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/02/2011 19:47

OP - can you just clarify? Will you get the money at the same time as the others, or will you have to wait until your DC is 18?

timetomove · 04/02/2011 19:51

I think I need more help understanding, becuase I think I am missing something.

She has 6 kids. She took out 6 "policies". Each of the siblings and their nuclear families taken togeter got one policy.
I think that is fair in principle. So the question becomes whether your DH is worse off as a result of "his" policy being in the name of DC rather than him. Is this the case, for example is it the case that it cannot be cashed in until DC is a certain age? Or is it the case that your DH did not get anything but now there are other grandchildren they have also got a policy, so all the children and grandchildren have got one apart form your DC?

I tihnk it is fairly normal where there is a next generation to give to the child rather than the parent, and i think that is a nice gesture rather than a horrible gesture.

Soups · 04/02/2011 20:27

I'm going to be a lone voice here but it does sound a bit odd to me. Unless she did it for tax purposes and in the small print your dp has similar access to the money, she should have dealt with all of the 6 policies in the same way. Giving one to each of her children. I would wonder about her motives (

Soups · 04/02/2011 20:32

Sorry posted before I'd finished.

Whilst it was nice of her to take out the policies, she didn't have to, your dp isn't entitled to the money ... It would make me wonder about her motives and reasoning. At best she hadn't thought it through. If the others were all young and your dp had the first grandchild, it'd be highly likely more grandkids would show up in the future.

Lamorna · 04/02/2011 21:16

It all seems a bit odd to me but it is her money, it is all done and dusted and so you either accept or give your reasons for not liking it and hand it back.

Flip

1 2 3