...or should I stick it out....

[mulranno]

Think I am having a midlife crisis,and want to change everything about the way we live. But could this feeling just pass in time? So should I just continue to muddle thru? Or would I just be running away? Or would any changes be really unfar on the kids? Feeling vvv tired, vvv disorganised, not on top of anything at home, at work, with friendships, my health, children school etc and so is my husband. We are both 44 have 4 kids at 4 diff schools, one SEN, both work full time running our own businesses. I thought that things would get easier as they got older (12, 10, 9, 4,) ... but the housework, laundry, commitments etc is chaotic and over whelming. Not sure what the point of all this is? House needs so much doing to it. I cant be bothered to do it and not sure we have the cash to do it either. Feel like just selling up - downsizing to a modern house already "done" - loosing most of the mortgage and staying home to improve the quality of life for my family. Or am I just being a whimp?

I think if you look at yourself today in 3 years time you are going to congratulate yourself on how well yo ucoped.
Kids are going to be older, more manageable, they will be able to help more...
Could they help more with housework - laundry, hanging clothes, folding, taking upstairs, hoovering, putting food away after shopping is done...

I myself like when they are helping whilst I am tidying up - they seem to be more responsive to - put that thing away suggestions :)

I suppose the problem is that I dont feel that I am coping...what defines coping and not coping? Is having a big pile of laundry + feeling shattered + messy house + feeling like I am falling behind at work = "not coping". I am not sure that I will look back on this time and feel proud?

i'd definitely see a counsellor as things sound like they have got to a pitch with you. there are many, many grades between 'stay' or 'go': the 'stay' option is doing your head in and to 'go' option is drastic. posting something on here isn't good enough - you have to take responsbility for this and work it through with someone who is qualified to help you address the many issues you are facing (about which you feel 'overwhelmed').

don't mean to slap you with the 'you must take responsibility for this' but the bottom line is that you do. if you had a physical problem you would see the appropriate physician, take their advice, and 'work through' the problem. no different with a psycholigical problem (which can be much more debilitating than a physical problem imo). I would bet there are issues that have stuck in your craw somewhere along the line and imo you need to get these out, take time to explore them (some of them you probably don'[t realise are even there) in a safe, professional setting; with someone who is't involved in any way with your life, someone impartial. the end result could be a myriad different things: you may not change anything, or not much, or you may make some significant changes - impossible to say. things aren't working for you as they stand so you owe it to yourself, as well as your family (who are probably very aware you are climbing the walls).

in the meantime: a cleaner/home help might be one thing that could make a small but significant difference in the interim? . your plate is very full - 4 children (in 4 different schools!), period house (by the sound of it), 2 businesses...

I also have 4 children, although younger than yours and so I think I know how hard it can be.

Before you give up your business and stay at home, I would think the best advice I have is to look at how your life is organised and how you can make changes that can work for you. Small changes can make a huge difference.

For example, I always had mountains of unmanageable washing. I have changed now and every morning I put the laundry in the wash and hang it/dry it before I leave the house. The next morning I put it away before I take then next lot downstairs. This small change has meant that the laundry has become more manageable.

The obvious one - why are all 4 kids at different schools? Could you not change this - it seems extremely stressful to me, but I am sure you have considered this.

How about getting a cleaner?

Your children are old enough to help out a bit. Why not train them to do one thing every day? Like load the dishwasher or put their clothes away or hoover?

Just some suggestions, but I know I feel like that some days, despite my attempts at being super-organised...

My life became too much for me and I moved me and my children seven years ago 110 miles away. From a secure home to rented accomodation.

For the children it was the best move, for me not so, made no friends, can't work, I can move again when my eldest goes to Uni will I?

No because when you move you take your problems with you, they never go away and running away is never the right answer.

Housework and looking after children does not get easier as they get older, it actually gets harder.

Why not think about changing professions? Doing something that will make more money so you can do the things you want to do to the house, tackle one project at a time so things do get done.

Make this year the year you change something about your life for the better.

Moving though is never actually the way forward.

I am also 44, but "only" 2 kids, 11 and 13, however going through separation and soon divorce with my ex

I am not coping if I don't get enough sleep and things which I believe are under my control - aren't

do you get enough sleep, do you get any time off for yourself and the two of you as a couple?

kids can be motivated with clear rules/charts/lists of things to do + rewards/taking priviliges away

are you able to introduce that?

I think we all go through this feeling overwhelmed stage, to varying degrees of course.

As an outsider looking at what you've written my thoughts are:

Getting organised takes effort initially but is SO worth it. Your older 3 kids could do 1 task each per day, surely? EG, one of them empty and fill dishwasher, one of them vaccuum living areas,etc These things will take no longer than 10 mins a day and I think it teaches them to be a considerate membe of the family. They will no doubt moan at first but within a week it will be part of daily life and they will just get on with it. I'd suggest insisting its done before they get their priveledges (ie xbox /tv time etc) then ther is an incentive

Get a cleaner once a week. I have one who costs only £15 but manages to hoover & dust whole house, clean bathrooms and kitchen. Best money spent EVER. That way, everyone mucking in for 10 mins a day is enough to keep on top of things and will let you concentrate on laundry.

I personally think the idea of moving to a modern "manageable" house isnt a bad one. I did it and have never looked back. Looking at DIY that I would never have the time or money to do got me down and now its a distant memory. As long as it doesnt increase your financial burden I'd say go for it.

Finally, dont laugh, but me-time is a must. Even an hour a week. Go to an excercise class or meet a friend for coffee. 1 hr once a week will make all the difference.

Feel like just selling up - downsizing to a modern house already "done" - loosing most of the mortgage and staying home to improve the quality of life for my family.

Sounds great! Have you mentioned this to your DH? If so, what does he think?

I go through this -- a lot, I go through life crises regularly. I just get these feelings that I've wasted a of time and if I don't change something, I'll either end up miserable or won't have enough time to do the things that I feel really matter.

I've found that some of the things on my mind will disappear or change, others may end up growing.

The best first step, I find, is writing out all the things I want to change then group them into 'categories'. For me, I list everything I want to change that has to do with care of my body and eating I put in one list, things I want to change about the house in another, things I want to change about how I use my time in another, and so on. Then I talk through my lists with someone, usually my husband, and talk through what I can do, what I'll need help with to do, and sift through want I want to do from what I think I should want to do (which was a big problem when I first started having them - I felt I should be doing X, when really I had no desire beyond
thinking it should be done). Even if there are things I want to do, but are unable to do yet, I feel a lot better seeing it all written down, out of my head, where I see it.

I hope this helps you!

It seems like a vicious cycle to me. You mentioned also that you are not 'on top' of your health. It is so hard to motivate yourself when you do not feel well, but maybe you don't feel well because you are trying to do too much?

I'm also a fan of making lists

I would suggest you don't try to tackle everything at once. Decide what needs to change in order of priority and then change one thing at a time - then it doesn't seem quite so overwhleming.

I felt like you last year and have started to make progress but it can take time.

'Coping' is doing what you can, feeling happy about it, and ignoring what you can't do, and feeling happy about that, too.

Just a simple thing, like getting a slow cooker and using it for the majority of one-pot meals, can help you get a bit of perspective back in your life (sounds stupid, but it worked for me).

Sod the house, too. It took us six years to complete the kitchen, but who cares? I got a breadmaker so it always smelled nice, even if it looked a tip.

Everything is a 'work in progress' round here. Always is, in an old house - but it's the atmosphere that cheers us up, not the surroundings. Fresh flowers - even weeds the kids have got from the garden - really cheer up a bombsite.

I suppose what I am saying is 'lower your standards'

Good luck - you sound a lovely family.

And You're lucky not to be a wage slave, so you have some choices.

You need me time now Helloooo are you super mum full time job and four kids, It cant be done without lots of support and organization, and then you have still got to have some quality of life.
Too much work and no play makes you one unhappy person and kids will know mum not happy bunny, can you not go part time to gain some sanity back. Lists are so good. Make them and use them.
First list prioritize what's important in your life.
You will feel better by just doing the lists and it promotes good karma - things will happen.

Thank you for starting this thread mulranno- I hope you can find something useful here...

Yes this has been vv helpful. I think that I am in "flight" mode rather than fight....which for me is always a nice distraction. v exciting alternative to plan for the future, get house valued and search for property etc than look up and sort what needs to be done under my nose today. ..Also my job is vv stressful, something has got to change as this pace is not sustainable for either of us. We do have a cleaner on a fri, but often she cant do much as the house is so untidy!! Not sure what how the husband would take the downsizing/stay at home thing. I would have to do the background research ahead - with the numbers etc to show how it would work.

moving to a smaller more manageable home sounds like a great idea! you're feeling overwhelmed but actually coming out with rational solutions to your problems. being in a large chaotic house with a million diy tasks that you can never get round to sounds like a nightmare. get rid of a load of clutter while you are at it. downsize and simplify.

I can empathise with the overwhelming bit of how you feel. I have felt like that for several years. I have 3 small kids, a house which needs a lot 'doing' and is in a total and utter mess, and I had a health problem. The 'breakthrough' for me came last year with FINALLY sorting out my health. So much has now fallen into place, and gradually I am sorting my life out (though it can feel so overwhelming at times, as my eyes are now open to the sheer level of chaos I used to live with). I'd say make one big change which will make smaller ones easier to manage. That may be changing job or somehow giving up work (by downsizing?). Or sorting out your health. I'm not sure. I'd say as long as you don't need to move the oldest 2 kids schools...which would be disruptive for all you. Also, does your dh know how you feel? If he knew how much you felt like you're not coping, he may be more open to drastic changes.

feeling bad about the slaps - sorry OP

housekeeper, every day? at least it would literally clear the space you live in which would probably go a long way to help clear your head..

Housekeeper everyday! She could probably afford to give up work at that price.

I have 5 and work for myself and support them alone but it is dead easy because they are older than yours. If you just wait even just 3 years you will find it's much easier and you will be glad you kept the businesses going (particularly when you might want to help with 4 sets of university fees or 3 if the SN child might not to).

Never give up work. If one of you has to ensure it's the man. Far too women leav themselves wide open financially and suffer for it and we all know how awful it would be to be houeswives. You'd be much much more depressed.

Are you ensuring you both do the same amount around the house and with the children?

Could the children do more to tidy up?

It took us a good few years but when we got someone in every day in the week who does washing and cleaning and a bit of tidying up it really helped but that woiudl depend on how much you earn. Perhaps the answer is to earn more so you can buy your way out of these problems.

Mulranno. You need to figure out YOUR priorities (which may be different from mine or Xenia's) and then decide how you can best live by them. I wouldn't suggest adding anymore to your workload, or even your emotional load by having counselling, right now. I'm sure things will be a lot better in 3 years time, but it would be great if they were better in 1 year's time! And you do have the power to make this happen by some clever thinking (which you seem to already be doing) and some courage, plus support.

Wondering if you have the option of downsizinf and going part time rather than giving up work altogether. I find working part time not only gives me a bit of financial independence but also actually gets me out of the house and thinking about other things too! I know a few folk who gave up work completely and after 2 years are looking for part time job again, and not for financial reasons!

You might just be run down. It's been a long winter, and it's not over yet. The kids are indoors a lot and you prob haven't had a break for months. Don't give up, just try a cleaner. Tell the kids they've got to tidy up before the cleaner arrives and sees their rooms. That might stir them up a bit. Then reward them for trying hard to clear their own mess. You'll feel better and it won't cost the earth.

is it possible that you are simply missing storage space too?
and things are just piled up all over place waiting for rooms to be finished, shelfes put up...

is someone in your family a hoarder?

Do your DC contribute anything to the housework? If not, it is a good time to start them helping out. They can tidy, they can dust, vacuum, etc. They can put clean laundry away - in fact, they should be able to sort dirty laundry into correct washes and run the washing machine (the oldest, at least!)

Draw up a "chore rota" for the chores that they can help with - and make them help you with the ones that you are not keen on letting them do by themselves.

Only iron essential items - put everything else in the ironing pile away. Most things that really need ironing, need ironing again when you get them out to wear anyway, I find - so save time by putting them away un-ironed and iron them when you need to wear them instead.

Re. stuff needing doing to the house - how badly does it need doing? are we talking cosmetic, or major renovation? worse, has it been started and never finished? Take the most urgent thing that needs doing and cost it out, see whether or not it really is unfeasible - and if it's reasonable then consider getting someone in to give you a quote.

If you are missing storage space, some of those plastic storage boxes would be useful - especially the stacking ones...

But DO get your DC to help out - there is no reason why you should feel you have to do it all yourself.