Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to want to get married just the two of us?

44 replies

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 09:19

I guess the title says it all. We want to get married, I want to do it on our own- perhaps on holiday. OH thinks I'm being unreasonble... what do you think?

Bit of background:

-I have a tiny family and a few close friends all of whom would respect my decision and be happy for us

-OH has a massive family and a large circle of friends he's had for at least 20years, all of whom would expect to be invited to any nuptials and would be mightily pissed off

-My Dad and I no longer see each other which I am so sad about, it's been well over a year now and I don't see this changing, even if it did the circumstances surrounding this would mean he wouldn't be at the wedding. I feel that without my Dad I don't want to walk down an aisle, have speeches etc as he would be so obviously missing. In fact, this is the crux of the problem, I just don't want anyone there if he can't be.

-I don't see the point on spending a fortune for lots of people to have a day out when it's not what I want.

So... I have offered a compromise in that we would go away and then have a big 'evening reception' when we get back. OH says it's not a proper wedding if we do that and tbh he his a bit of a people pleaser and is terrified of the backlash from his family.

It seems that our positions on this are so opposite that I don't know where to go from here... any ideas?

Thanks

OP posts:

TotorosOcarina · 04/02/2011 09:21

YANBU, i wanted to do this but ended up doing the big wedding thing and regretted it since, it was awf and not wat I wated.

paarrp · 04/02/2011 09:22

I think your compromise is a good offer.

Can he not see what the impact of not having your dad there will have on you?

Ragwort · 04/02/2011 09:23

This is really quite difficult if you have such opposing views - if he is worried so much about 'pleasing' his family how will be as a husband/father in the future?

Sorry, not much of an answer but maybe there a lot of wider issues that you need to be looking at before you consider marriage.

paarrp · 04/02/2011 09:23

If he is a people pleaser then you need to work through this before getting married as this issue will raise itself again and again in the future especially when you have children (if you don't already)

Flojo1979 · 04/02/2011 09:24

I think you compromise is reasonable.
Have u thought about maybe 'a holiday' type wedding in this country, some fancy hotel a bit further afield and giving OH a limit of say half a dozen people? Parents, best man n gf etc? And getting married and having a nice meal after etc, without speechs! As i'm sure your in laws understand your situ so wont bother about an absent parent?

paarrp · 04/02/2011 09:24

x-post

melikalikimaka · 04/02/2011 09:26

YANBU, but you are being a bit miserable about it. No party? I had the big wedding, paid for by ourselves and although it was nerve wracking, it was a great day. My friend decided she wanted to get married on Craggy Island {something like it] but she had a little party afterwards. Which was lovely and she wore her wedding suit to it as well. Maybe you should think along that line, still have your wedding private but have a little gathering after.

cantspel · 04/02/2011 09:29

We got married abroad just the 2 of us nearly 20 years ago so long before it was a poular thing to do. I have a large extended family but they were all fine with it. My husband has a small family who said they were fine with it when we were booking it all but created a few problems just before we went. Mainly as they had a child and were put out that they couldn't be bridesmaid. We ignored it all and just did what we wanted.
I did retake my vows in church when we got home and had a big family party but it was much more informal than a wedding reception with bouncy castles for the children and plenty of food and booze for the adults, no speeches or being given away as we didn't do the walking down the isle thing. No big wedding dress or church decorations, cars ect.
Just the vows and party. Worked well for us and even 20 years later i wouldn't change a thing.

Original poster

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 09:31

Thanks, I think 'people pleaser' was a bad phrase, he just doesn't like confrontation and hasn't been to any wedding which haven't been a big family affair so I guess he can't imagine any different. We've been together for 7years so I know him well enough to be confident in his abilities as a husband/father. Flojo, it's not a bad idea but with his family it seems a bit all or nothing, and tbh I feel the same way about it, especially as my family is so small and close that with 6/10 people I could pretty much have everyone I wanted and and he would have to pick and choose. The inlaws sort of understand but its me that it bothers...

OP posts:

curlymama · 04/02/2011 09:33

Your dps opinion is just as valid as yours, and while you may have good reasons for wanting it to be just the two of you, equallly he has good reasons for wanting to a big wedding.

They do say that planning a wedding is excellent practice in compromising for the actual marriage! I certainly found that to be true, and I mostly got my own way!

Could you have a small wedding ceremony, and then have a blessing or commitment ceremony afterwards? That way you would get the small wedding, he would get the big day involving all his family, but you could walk down the aisle or whatever together so the absence of your Dad may seem less awful for you. You could both have a close friend do a speech, so he gets the best man thing, and you get to have someone you love say lots of nice things about you.

JimmyTarbuck · 04/02/2011 09:33

We did this. Just got a couple of witnesses off the street. It was either invite no one or invite the whole world (my idea of hell). Only a couple of friends said we were selfish (!) but our families were cool about it. Good luck.

Original poster

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 09:33

melikalikimaka- I said towards the end of my OP I have already offered the compromise of an 'evening reception' type party when we get home/shortly afterwards.

OP posts:

caz1010 · 04/02/2011 09:34

Me and my now Dh got married in gretne. Just the two of us. We had decided we wanted to be married for the sake if been married and not for the sake of a big fufussy wedding. Booked married and sorted within a month of deciding. Was the best day of my life. Was intimate and special and very romantic. Did have a small reception when we got back and i did wear my dress for all to see. No regrets at all.

lazylula · 04/02/2011 09:34

YANBU to want it, but if your dp wants different then a compromise needs to be reached. Are you really sure the only reason he wants a bigger wedding is to please the family or is there a chance that he has always imagined a wedding as a family thing and that is actually what he wants? It is both of your days so you need to talk and maybe agree on a smallish wedding, involving imediate family and maybe a few close friends.

Quenelle · 04/02/2011 09:34

YANBU If your DH is a people pleaser he should want to please you. You are the most important person to him and you have very valid reasons.

A friend of mine got married in secret. After the event they told their families and threw a big party for everyone. It was dead romantic.

Original poster

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 09:35

curlymama, I wish I could but it would feel to me that whoever was making a speech in his place etc would be a 'replacement' for my Dad, emotionally I couldn't ave that.

Jimmy- thanks :) just wish I culd get OH agreed

OP posts:

curlymama · 04/02/2011 09:39

Btw, we had a big difference in family sizes, mine is huge, his was literally just his parents. We let his Mum choose to invite three couples, which as I don't get on with his Mum and one of her guests was an interfering bitch, was a bit painful. But it kept everybody happy and meant that dh didn't feel the need to entertain them all day. Could you do something like that? What's important is that you both get to share the day with the people you care about. That's what we decided anyway, and if it means one person has more guests than the other, so what? Just don't do the sides of the church thing and let people sit where they want.

curlymama · 04/02/2011 09:41

Xposted, as part of your compromise could you jsut not have speeches? Or have the grooms one only?

melikalikimaka · 04/02/2011 09:41

Sorry Coco, completely missed that section of you post, brain running away with the answer before I read it all!

But weddings bring out the worst in people too. My SIL got married in secret 2 miles away from us, on a Sunday afternoon. Rang us up after and it really hurt our feelings and still does. She was a bridesmaid at mine, her fiance was in my wedding pics, sit down meal, ect. She is really well off and could have invited the world but she chose a 'few' from the family to attend and not the rest of the family. We couldn't understand why she did this and still don't. My DH was very hurt.

stuffthenonsense · 04/02/2011 09:46

ooh we did this, similar reasons to yours too.

we went abroad, had the most beautiful, relaxed, intimate wedding (in an igloo) you could possibly imagine, then came home and within a week had a church blessing and reception.
you CAN have your (wedding) cake and eat it.

Original poster

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 09:48

no worries melikalikimaka... :)

I think thats actually where some of the problem lies, I REALLY don't want to have a big wedding but without hurting peoples feelings we couldn't really have a small wedding. Just to give it some numbers, he has:

22 aunties & uncles who have 26 children, 14 of those have long term partners, 4 have kids.
He has a circle of at least 10 close friends who he just couldn't choose between (they have all been friends since they were toddlers)and the majority of whom have long term partners

OP posts:

anonacfr · 04/02/2011 09:54

We eloped while on a skiing holiday in the States and loved it!
We called our friends and family afterwards and they were all fine with it (aside from one). Most people thought it was hilarious!

HOWEVER it was completely a joint decision. It would be unfair of you to impose such a drastic move on your OH if he's not happy with it.
You need to either convince him properly or work out another compromise.

Flojo1979 · 04/02/2011 09:58

The problem seems to lie mainly with your situation with your dad. Is there no way of resolving this? Maybe the wedding is the opportunity u both needed to iron out the problems, maybe if u told him u were getting married then he'd realise what a big thing it is, surely every dad dreams of the day they walk their princess down the aisle? it might seem impossible now but if u plan the wedding for next yr or yr after maybe in that time things can be sorted out?

xstitch · 04/02/2011 10:02

That's slightly different though melika. Your SIL invited some and excluded you. As I understand it the OP wants a small wedding but couldn't reduce the numbers without offending so wants to get married and just have 2 witnesses from somewhere. Maybe I have misunderstood.

Original poster

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 10:03

I really wish it could but it's impossible :( even if we resolved things he would be able to be there. You are right though, this is the main problem, I'm a real Daddy's Girl, always have been. I can't even contemplate a traditional wedding without him there.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2