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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to get married just the two of us?

44 replies

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 09:19

I guess the title says it all. We want to get married, I want to do it on our own- perhaps on holiday. OH thinks I'm being unreasonble... what do you think?

Bit of background:

-I have a tiny family and a few close friends all of whom would respect my decision and be happy for us

-OH has a massive family and a large circle of friends he's had for at least 20years, all of whom would expect to be invited to any nuptials and would be mightily pissed off

-My Dad and I no longer see each other which I am so sad about, it's been well over a year now and I don't see this changing, even if it did the circumstances surrounding this would mean he wouldn't be at the wedding. I feel that without my Dad I don't want to walk down an aisle, have speeches etc as he would be so obviously missing. In fact, this is the crux of the problem, I just don't want anyone there if he can't be.

-I don't see the point on spending a fortune for lots of people to have a day out when it's not what I want.

So... I have offered a compromise in that we would go away and then have a big 'evening reception' when we get back. OH says it's not a proper wedding if we do that and tbh he his a bit of a people pleaser and is terrified of the backlash from his family.

It seems that our positions on this are so opposite that I don't know where to go from here... any ideas?

Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 10:03

xstitch- spot on!

OP posts:

LittlebearH · 04/02/2011 10:04

Blimey OP are you me??!!

I am in exactly same situ,(only family - mum and brother, Dad abroad) been engaged 4 years and now have DD who is nearly one.
Ideally would have liked to have got married first.
(My mum makes me feel worse by saying DD is illegitimate )

We want to get married but just cannot agree!

Am watching this thread with interest...

xstitch · 04/02/2011 10:08

I meant to say coco your compromise sounds good. TBH I would consider anyone offended by you doing that to be the one with the problem and not you.

Original poster

coco2901 · 04/02/2011 10:12

Little bear- I think I might be :) after 7 years we are now determined to get married soon as I'm due in April and my Mum has instilled in me that we should have been married first, which is actually what we wanted but it didn't quite work out like that...

OP posts:

Bubandbump · 04/02/2011 10:12

Hmm very tricky one.. We both had exactly the same idea about the type of wedding we wanted but it still involved a whole lot of compromise along the way.

I did go to a wedding late last year where the bride was in the same position as you re her father, she walked down the aisle with her uncle and had her sister and bridesmaid give speeches which was just lovely. You don't have to be traditional though, you and your fiance could walk down the aisle together, you could not have speeches or both you and your fiancé could just give a thank you speech together (a lovely way to start a marriage together) and not have the best man speech etc. Another of my friends had a summer wedding picnic style with afternoon tea, scones, games etc and had the speeches outside so they were much less formal.

What I am trying to say is that a wedding can be what you make of it. It can be as formal or traditional as you want or as relaxed as you want. It does sound a little bit to me that your aversion to having a 'big' wedding centres a little bit around how you perceive a wedding should be which would involve a traditional father of the bride role.

I also know people that had a small ceremony with an intimate meal in the afternoon and then invite the larger family for the evening. People tend to understand as long as they feel a part of the day as cost is normally a huge factor in limiting who can be invited for a meal etc.

Search online for examples of weddings, there will be something out there that will be perfect for you both but it may require some finding!

StayFrosty · 04/02/2011 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catwhiskers10 · 04/02/2011 10:23

We were in a similar situation to you and went abroad to get married just the 2 of us and although family members were a bit disappointed not to see us getting married, most were quite happy they wouldn't have to get an outfit, buy a present etc so there was no backlash.
Plus we had enough money to put down a good deposit on a house afterwards which we wouldnt have had if we'd payed out for a big wedding.
It's your (and your OH day) so you should do what you want.

catwhiskers10 · 04/02/2011 10:46

Forgot to say I have no contact with my dad, my mum died a couple of years before I got married and had only my grandparents and a couple of close friends that would have been there from my side whereas DH family is huge. His family was very understanding that I had no parents and that was part of the reason we wanted to get married alone.

melikalikimaka · 04/02/2011 16:15

Have a late wedding in a hotel or castle, say, 4pm, that cuts out the speeches and big meal. Have a hot buffet and disco. Job done. If your new DH wants to make a speech, it doesn't seem so formal. He still gets the family wedding party and you don't have the embarrassing absence of father at top table.

QuintessentialShadows · 04/02/2011 16:18

I saw your headline and thought, "just the two of you?" Shame, because I like the idea of a modern European multi-person marriage.

mjloveswineoclock · 04/02/2011 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mozette · 04/02/2011 16:22

I'm just organising my wedding at the moment - immediately family and close friends at the registry office then all off for an informal meal then a party at night for extended family and friends - no speeches, no cake, no top table and I'm wearing black and not white :)

We have been together for 15 years, engaged for 13 and don't see the need for a 'traditional' wedding.

mjloveswineoclock · 04/02/2011 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mousymouse · 04/02/2011 16:28

we had a very small wedding, just dh, I and two of our best friends as witnesses.

afterwards a quick meal and a prom concert.

a few weeks later we invited our closest family for a nice meal in a restaurant.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/02/2011 16:29

I think melika had a very good idea about having the late wedding, then going straight to the hot buffet/disco and avoiding all the awkward bits you are dreading.

No reason why you couldn't walk down the aisle with your DP - a wedding doesn't have to be completely traditional.

I think your DP's priority should be to please you, rather than other people and i think you need to sit him down and explain properly how you are feeling wrt your dad. Perhaps your DP doesn't really understand. If he does understand and is still trying to make you have a huge wedding, then maybe now isn't the time to marry him

melikalikimaka · 05/02/2011 09:09

I also didn't have my Dad there, he died when I was 15 yrs old. My oldest brother walked me down the aisle. But you don't have to have a male, you could have your best friend.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 05/02/2011 09:35

Neither of you are BU.
DH and I were going to do it just the 2 of us but when I thought about it I couldn't not tell my mum.
In the end we had a small wedding it was literally parents and siblings and our/their dc so was 17 in total.
We did get the odd "can auntie x come" from MIL but we were very strict and said no.
Had informal party at our house afterwards, no speeches, no walking down the aisle anything like that.

You dp isn't asking from what I can see for a massive wedding. But you could have a small ceremony and have the big party and then nobody is left out.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/02/2011 09:48

YANBU to be sad about your dad not being there. I think YWBU to stop your DP from sharing his happiness about marrying you with his family because of that.

Lots of posters here have good suggestions for working around the aisle, speeches etc bits. Surely you and your DP can find a compromise?

noodle69 · 05/02/2011 09:51

We did it when I was 20 and my husband was 19. We just went to Jamaica and got married on the beach. Its quite cheap for such luxury (all in was £2500 including 2 weeks in a five star hotel, all food, drink, photos, video, wedding dress and spending money). It was brilliant and 7 years on if we did it again we would do it exactly the same.

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