Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Well my husband's brother's wife's son didn't talk til he was 4 so don't worry!"

80 replies

working9while5 · 03/02/2011 21:59

An acquaintance (friend of a friend) has a three and a half year old and has recently had a multidisciplinary assessment. The professionals have told her that her child is communicating and interacting like a nine month old and they are investigating a learning disability/autism. She is understandably shocked and distressed at this news.

Many of the people we know in common seem to have been very dismissive of the assessment both to her face and when speaking about it, with seemingly everyone having a story of a long-lost relatives who "chose" not to talk until they were at school. These late bloomers invariably all have Master's degrees and high earning jobs now Hmm.

I am a Speech and Language Therapist and I know that there are "late bloomers". However, I also know that what this mum has been told is that her child is interacting and communicating like a baby when she is three and a half. I know that this is not good.

I am filled with a sort of rage when I hear these "reassuring" stories because they are so dismissive of the mum who wants to share her distress - although I don't see her regularly, I've come across her at a few Stay and Play sessions in recent weeks where she wants to talk to everyone about it and let it al out. I've watched these stories being told to shut her up, really. It is very disheartening?

Am I unreasonable to be so frustrated? To wish people could be reassuring without denying? After all, if someone has cancer, people might share stories of how someone recovered but they wouldn't endlessly tell stories about how a diagnosis was wrong, would they? Perhaps it's not the same thing?

OP posts:
mutznutz · 03/02/2011 22:02

Well how can they be reassuring about something they have no experience of? If the only well meaning thing they can do is pull a story of a late talking child out of their memories..you can kind of understand it.

HingCogNeeto · 03/02/2011 22:03
Sad
saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:05

oh they're bloody annoying. We had it when ds1 was little - he's 12 now and still non-verbal! we used to get 'einstein didn't talk until he was 5' as well, to which i would reply 'yes and einstein was autistic' Hmm

curlymama · 03/02/2011 22:06

As a SALT, you will have a lot more experience with this sort of thing, so it's understandable that with the benefit of your knowledge, you find thing like this frustrating. But you have to remember that the other parents are just ordinary parents, and don't have the knowledge you have. I'm sure they don't mean to be dismissive, but they probably don't know what else to say.

3 and a half sounds very late for this to have been picked up btw.

HumphreyCobbler · 03/02/2011 22:06

I know what you mean. It is dismissive to offer comments like this in a situation that is serious. Although people are trying to be supportive in their own way, it really doesn't help at all.

HingCogNeeto · 03/02/2011 22:07

also, no lay person want to be the 'messenger' - viz, the person who points out that the child doesn't appear to be developing as expected is quite likely to upset the parents, and we all hate the thought of upsetting our friends

saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:07

does she have any support btw? She could try the SN section here - those early days are terribly lonely (and not helped by being surrounded by people telling you you're imagining it/usually along with half the family in denial Angry)

2shoes · 03/02/2011 22:08

yanbu
it is amazes me how many people seem to think this helps.

saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:08

3 and a half is pretty standard/early for it to be picked up tbh. I knew from 17 months that something was up and my son wasn't diagnosed until after the age of 3.

Original poster
working9while5 · 03/02/2011 22:09

I do understand it, but I wish people would just listen. Sometimes there are no words..
I just feel that she is given very little space to just talk about it and it makes me sad, and a little angry.

I am thinking I won't go tomorrow.. because I can feel the pull to open up a conversation with her, and I know that it's dicey ground as her child's difficulties are very similar to those of kids I work with and I don't know her in a professional capacity.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 03/02/2011 22:11

yanbu at all

ds1 is being assessed atm for ASD/asperger's and when i was talking to friends about it the other day all I got was a load of "well X does that" and "all children do that"

i KNOW. but the fact is there IS something wrong with my ds1, and this is beyond the normal limits for this behaviour at his age!

i dont' need to be told that other people's kids do it and they're fine. I just wanted to share it and vent and know I have a support network when things get tough

saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:11

working - the best support for her will come from other people in the same situation. Can you send her here (to Special Needs) or give her some details of local support groups? Diagnosis is a time when friendships tend to change because so many people can't cope with it (and it is miserable being around people who can't say the 'a' word) - but there are some great friendships to be made out there from people going through the same.

curlymama · 03/02/2011 22:12

What makes it dicey ground Working? I can see that it may be, I'm just not sure why exactly!

It sounds like you could do her some good.

thisisyesterday · 03/02/2011 22:12

saintlyjimjams... are you the original jimjams??

saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:13

yep - although not sure whether that's good or bad Grin

eaglewings · 03/02/2011 22:15

Agree that not talking past 3 is something that should be checked out, but having shouted till I was blue in the face when my son was unable to talk at 3 and having HV tell me not to worry I am never sure what to say to other parents
Not surprisingly there was a problem, he has AS!
I stay quiet in RL as I don't want parents to think non speaker always means AS

thisisyesterday · 03/02/2011 22:16

it's good! Grin I wondered where you had gone

you gave me lots of lovely advice on vaccinating, many years ago when i was here under a different name

saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:17

ah - I stay away from that section now (not enough time!) Grin

princessparty · 03/02/2011 22:18

The truth of the matter is people don't want to be drawn into depressing conversations.they go to stay and play to get out of the house and lift their mood not get bogged down in other people's problems.

thisisyesterday · 03/02/2011 22:18

not up for a good old debate on the latest developments re wakefield being struck off then? lol

saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:19

oh princessparty is still around - hallelujiah - that's a relief.

Why would the conversations have to be depressing? I find talking about autism endlessly fascinating......

thisisyesterday · 03/02/2011 22:19

princessparty Nice!

I would like to think that my friends would be there for me when I needed them. Not dismiss a major thing in my life just because they want some lighthearted banter!

tipsycat · 03/02/2011 22:20

My DS was exactly the same, he didn't talk until he was 4. He also had multi disciplinary assessments, which led to a diagnosis of Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

If I had a pound for each time some well meaning person told me about someone they knew, who didn't talk until they were at school, I'd have.....probably enough for a nice meal out...

These people need to realise that they're not helping!!! Although I realise their intentions are good, the most important thing is to recognise that the child COULD have a condition for which early diagnosis and intervention would be beneficial. Giving false hope sometimes leads parents to delay accessing the services which would help their child.

Original poster
working9while5 · 03/02/2011 22:20

Curlymama, you're not allowed give advice to friends or family on ethical grounds (other than e.g. to share how to refer etc or helpful organisations etc). It has to do with not having the full clinical picture, so really you're not in a position to comment. Also, objectivity.

If she was a better friend, I would still be available to listen/reflect (as opposed to offer advice) but she is a Mum at Stay and Play who lives in my neighbourhood iykwim.. so too close for me to be involved, yet not close enough for us to talk about this if I weren't a SLT, if you know what I mean? So she would probably want lots of info from me, but I know all sorts of details about her that are inappropriate to know for a more professional relationship, so it would be a bit wrong, I think.

Mainly, it's the objectivity side of things. If someone came into clinic and told me that their long lost relative was fine despite not speaking at 4/5 or 6 I would have a lot of compassion for them and my whole reaction would be different. However, in the way I've seen it play out at the group, I just want to bang their heads together. So I sense I am not really viewing this wholly professionally, but as a fellow mum, and it's best to keep the roles as separate as you can, I think!

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 03/02/2011 22:21

oh god a discussion yes, but on here? nah. Too much work to do these days.

Weirdly though we had a genetics appointment this week and the geneticist sort of gave an overview of the 'current state of thinking' on autism - and it was pretty much Wakefield's theory. Which I found fascinating. I don't suppose she realised that though (and I didn't point it out).