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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to tell the truth to PIL?

52 replies

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 13:22

I've posted a few times about my PIL never wanting to look after my DCs, when they look after their other GC all the time while their parents go to play tennis/hiking mostly!

A brief bit of background . . . my DH and I get no help from them even though we have had it really tough the last few years as I have been unwell and we have had a lot of difficulties (don't want to give too much detail but it's been really rough). They have said several times they are too busy too help when I have been begging for help (due to being unwell, mentally, and not coping) yet look after my BILs children every week and sometimes every day! The also wouldn't help when I went into hospital (gave several months notice) or when my DH had an accident and had to go to a&e. They just act really put out but the next day will have their other GCs.

It's really upsetting and I feel quite abandonded as we have no one else and as I said we have had a difficult time although things are getting better now.

My DH and I have our anniversary soon and want to go out. We have found a babysitter to pay as I decided some time ago to never ask my PIL any more as they obviously do not want to help us so what's the point. On our last anniversary (we only go out once a year) they would only babysit for an hour! What can you do for an hour?!)

So my DH mentioned it vaguely to his dad, now they are asking who is having the DCs and my DH said that his friend was babysitting. This isn't true as we are paying someone. My DH doesn't want to tell them that as he thinks they will be upset as apparently they want to do it!!!!! He says they are really sad about not spending much time with their grandchildren lately.

I can't be bothered to lie to them and don't see why we should have to and think that if they ask again we should say that we hired someone and we had no idea they would want to do it as they never exactly seem keen.

What do you think?

OP posts:

femalevictormeldrew · 03/02/2011 13:25

If they are as unhelpful as you say I don't think I would lie to spare their feelings

skybluepearl · 03/02/2011 13:27

I'd tell them that you are paying a baby sitter.I'd also stop asking for thier help completely and if they ever say anything - just expain that they seem very unwilling so you gave up.

BuzzLightBeer · 03/02/2011 13:27

I say tell them, and the rest. I'd say "its pretty clear to us that you do not want to look after our children, not even in an emergency, so we have decided to do us all a favour and stop asking you, as its really quite embaressing at this stage. See you around sometime"

DoingTheBestICan · 03/02/2011 13:28

Did they say they wanted to babysit after they were told your 'friend' was doing it?

If so then they didnt really want to do & i wouldnt lie to protect their feelings.

AMumInScotland · 03/02/2011 13:29

I think I would tell them, and act surprised that they "wanted to", since it's not usually convenient for them.

If they then talk about not seeing the grandchildren, I assume they mean seeing them with you? You could always comment that they see so much of the others because they look after them so often, but since they never seem to have time to mind yours it's not surprising...

You don't have to make it a rant, but they don't seem to be thinking it through!

catsmother · 03/02/2011 13:32

No - you shouldn't have to lie. People employ babysitters all the time - even those whose parents are kind enough to babysit sometimes too. If they take umbrage at what should be an unremarkable event I would then say that they only have to suggest looking after the DCs and you'd be delighted. They can't have it both ways .... making excuses when you were in genuine need, e.g. hopsital, but getting offended should anyone else look after the children - that's plain barmy. I almost wonder if for some weird reason they don't want you to go out - an hour is ridiculous - but why on earth they'd feel like that I don't know !

And yes, as has been discussed many times before, grandparents are under no obligation to babysit at all, but for the sake of common human decency it would be nice if they helped out when you have real problems like the ones described. On top of that, it must feel gutting if they provide lots of childcare to other family members. That's what I can never understand with tales like this - when some relatives are very much favoured, and when the reasons for their help seem so trivial by comparism.

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 13:32

Also though, when my DH mentioned it I think they got left with the impression that we would ask (as usual, thus giving them the power to piss us around, change the mind at the last minute etc). So it's not so much now just that we have found another way around it bypassing them, but also that they will think they have been snubbed because as far as they are concerned they were babysitting and we have cancelled (not at all what happened) and are now PAYING someone else! Do you see what I mean?

I don't want to cause any arguments but I could never complain before as I had to be grateful to them for any help they gave us, so we just sucked it up.

OP posts:

BettyCash · 03/02/2011 13:33

ditto AMumInScotland

FabbyChic · 03/02/2011 13:33

Id go with what Buzz said that's a perfect response.

I would definately not take the risk that they will come and babysit as no doubt you will only be out for an hour again.

coppertop · 03/02/2011 13:34

I recognise this situation well.

If I'm not mistaken, what they would actually be thinking is "If people find out that our son has had to pay for a babysitter, the'll know our doting grandparents act is a load of rubbish and we'll look like fools."

it's why you had an offer of an hour's babysitting before. Not long enough to require any real effort but long enough to be able to drop into conversation with friends that they looked after the children while you went out for your anniversary.

If asked I would tell the truth.

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 13:36

My DH says he doesn't mind what I do as he knows this has been eating away at me. . . but he hates confrontation with them and would be devastated if there was a big row.

OP posts:

catsmother · 03/02/2011 13:36

Think Coppertop could be on to something. Sad but true, it'd seem that they don't like you and/or your children very much but want to keep up minimal appearances all the same.

FetchezLaVache · 03/02/2011 13:37

Do they live a lot closer to the other GCs than to you, or something (Clutching at straws to try to find some way of justifying what seems a very unbalanced and unfair situation!). To be honest I really don't feel they deserve to have their feelings spared at all! If they really DO want to look after your kids, they have a damned funny way of showing it...

Just out of interest, what sort of excuses do they give not to look after your kids?

catsmother · 03/02/2011 13:39

Why should there need to be a big row ? If they get offended at your alternative arrangements, they need to put their money where their mouth is and step up to the mark. You've done nothing wrong and feel understandably hurt and under-supported - but for the sake of the peace have kept this to yourself so far. There's nothing wrong in saying - if pushed - that you haven't been able to rely upon them previously, which is the truth. They can either flatly deny that and row, or apologise and make an effort. Really .... it's none of their business who the kids are with.

JingleMum · 03/02/2011 13:39

tell the truth, you have nothing to lie about or feel ashamed for.

wouldn't be bothered about their feelings at this stage, they clearly aren't that bothered about yours.

hope you have a great night.

WinkyWinkola · 03/02/2011 13:40

Tell them how you feel. Be prepared to back up with examples too because I don't imagine they're going to accept what you say.

AllGoodNamesGone · 03/02/2011 13:41

I wouldn't bother about the PILs feelings as they clearly haven't cared too much about yours BUT it should probably be up to your DH what he tells them since they are his parents. So, I would keep out of it but tell him you are not going to lie if they ask you direct.

I'd suggest that, even if they do become more keen to do it, you don't arrange for the PIL to babysit for anything important in case they back out at the last minute or say you have to be back at a set time.

Perhaps next time they say they are sad about not seeing them, he could suggest they could have them for a day and see what they say - make it a day when you are not doing anything so it wouldn't matter if they backed out?

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 13:42

We live the same distance.

Erm . . . are too busy (non specific),

"well we're busy you know!" while looking at us like we are crazy,

are working (turns out to be a lie),

need to go shopping (after agree 2 months in advance so babysit so we could go to an engagement party miles and miles away, meant we had to leave in the middle of the night to get back in time for the important first-thing-in-the-morning-shop)

don't feel well (although turned out they had other GCs)

been to work that day (that was an emergency one)

etc

OP posts:

reluctanthomosapien · 03/02/2011 13:42

Coppertop has nailed this one, I think.

Is there a history there between your DH and his parents/brother? Was the brother the favoured one growing up? If so, is this state of affairs continuing now and manifesting itself in grandparent duties? If so, your DH needs to think hard about his relationship with his parents and how this is impacting upon his own family. Your DCs might start to feel the difference in treatment.

BeenBeta · 03/02/2011 13:43

Life is too damn short.

My parents are like this. We dont bother asking.

Original poster

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 13:44

Yes i think the brother was the favoured one. Don't know why as he's a nightmare and my dh is lovely.

OP posts:

slightlymad72 · 03/02/2011 13:44

I know EXACTLY how you feel, MIL looks after her granchild LOTS and LOTS and LOTS, my kids she has looked after twice in over 18 months and 'visited' them the same amount.She has pointed out on numerous occasions that she was babysitting as a favour to my oldest daughter and wasn't doing it for us, I would also be returning the 'favour' one way or another.

My Father has had a stroke he lives abroad,as I have no one that can take care of my kids for 4 nights, I am unable to visit him. If it was the other grandchilds parents that where in desperate need of babysitting then there would be no question of MIL doing it, my kids don't exist anymore, something which she confirmed not that long ago.

So my new years resolution was to stuff the bloody lot of them, she knows where I live, if she wants to see the kids then she can make the bloody effort.

BeenBeta · 03/02/2011 13:46

monkeyflippers - in fact, I might go as far as to say that your PILs are only asking because they are checking up on you to make sure that you are looking after the children properly - so they can criticise you. They are not asking because they want to help.

Sorry, been there and got the T shirt on this.

thumbdabwitch · 03/02/2011 13:46

If anything has to be said, tell them the exact truth. That you have paid a babysitter as whenever you have asked for help previously they have let you down, again and again. So rather than be let down and run the risk of your night out being ruined, you have paid money to an outsider to look after your DC, safe in the knowledge that they are likely to actually turn up.

DO NOT give in and allow them to do it. DO NOT succumb to their petty emotional blackmail - the amount they see their DGC is entirely up to them and they are choosing to prioritise their other DGC - their choice.

goingmadinthecountry · 03/02/2011 13:48

Just tell them the truth. I've always had the same thing - how much they are being put out (even once when ds was little and in hosp and other 2 were young too and dh even took them to PILs house). For their own daughter's kids (and now gd's child) they'll do absolutely anything, even in the middle of the night.

They've fallen out with me now - daft reason - and it's really liberating - obviously think so little of youngest dd (7th bday) that they didn't even phone/see her.

I pay someone to pick up etc - am lucky no longer need babysitter - and there's no guilt trip attached. Have a LOVELY night out, and don't spoil your evening by even discussing the PILs.

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