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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell the truth to PIL?

52 replies

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 13:22

I've posted a few times about my PIL never wanting to look after my DCs, when they look after their other GC all the time while their parents go to play tennis/hiking mostly!

A brief bit of background . . . my DH and I get no help from them even though we have had it really tough the last few years as I have been unwell and we have had a lot of difficulties (don't want to give too much detail but it's been really rough). They have said several times they are too busy too help when I have been begging for help (due to being unwell, mentally, and not coping) yet look after my BILs children every week and sometimes every day! The also wouldn't help when I went into hospital (gave several months notice) or when my DH had an accident and had to go to a&e. They just act really put out but the next day will have their other GCs.

It's really upsetting and I feel quite abandonded as we have no one else and as I said we have had a difficult time although things are getting better now.

My DH and I have our anniversary soon and want to go out. We have found a babysitter to pay as I decided some time ago to never ask my PIL any more as they obviously do not want to help us so what's the point. On our last anniversary (we only go out once a year) they would only babysit for an hour! What can you do for an hour?!)

So my DH mentioned it vaguely to his dad, now they are asking who is having the DCs and my DH said that his friend was babysitting. This isn't true as we are paying someone. My DH doesn't want to tell them that as he thinks they will be upset as apparently they want to do it!!!!! He says they are really sad about not spending much time with their grandchildren lately.

I can't be bothered to lie to them and don't see why we should have to and think that if they ask again we should say that we hired someone and we had no idea they would want to do it as they never exactly seem keen.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Bubandbump · 03/02/2011 13:54

Hang on a minute, surely the important thing is that your children have a relationship with their gp's? If you expect nothing from them as you seem to have accepted then anything they offer to do will be a pleasant surprise.

In this case, I am not saying that you should lie to them but surely you don't want to alienate them for the sake of your children. Personally, I would only bring it up if they ask and say that you hired a baby sitter - you didn't realise that they would have liked to baby sit but they would be more than welcome to see the children whenever they like.

You're right, it's not fair but it's their choice how often they see each of their grandchildren. Maybe they complain to each other about always being expected to be there for your bill children and feel taken advantage of! You just don't know.

safetalk · 03/02/2011 13:56

wot coppertop and buzz said
my in laws are the same

we once asked them to look after dc1 while I took dc2 to the DOcs (that was after they had moved in with us to 'help' really they were looking for free accommodation in London) MIL said no but she would come with us
urr not likely (she moans continually about the UK and is hardly discrete)
we dont ask them for anything now
MIL refuses to speak to me
I'm refusing to play the happy families bit now

they have their other GC the WHOLE time again I mean daily

catsmother · 03/02/2011 13:58

I guess it's possible they do feel put upon by the BIL but in that case I imgaine the OP must wonder why on earth they can't be as blunt, unhelpful and evasive with him as they are with his brother ?

boyscomingoutofmyears · 03/02/2011 14:05

I have the exact same problem with my mother. Last year DS2 was having surgery and she wouldn't pick DS1 up from school while me and DH were in the hospital with him, even though she leaves work at 2 o'clock everyday and as we only live 15 mins from her work would have had plenty of time to get to school for 3:15. Luckily I have fantastic PILs and they actually re-arranged their holiday so they could take care of DS1 until my husband left the hospital.

A few weeks ago I had to beg my mum to babysit while we went to a funeral (DH's aunt) obvioulsy DH's family couldn't babysit on that occasion. My mum did agree to do it, but only for the actual service and we couldn't attend the wake.

I plan never to ask my mum again and wouldn't hesitate to tell her why so I absolutely do not think you ABU OP. Hope your DH can see your side of things. Maybe if you are honest with your PILs they will see that they are being unfair and want to spend time with their grandchildren once in a while.

ashamedandconfused · 03/02/2011 14:16

what is wrong with all these people??

when my kids are grown up and have DC, we will be there whenever we can for them, just as our parents have for us - they have helped us out with loans, accomodation, babysitting (we dont go out much but they would drop everything and come in an emergency) they looked after DD1 for weeks when i was pg with DD2 and had hyperemesis, have dropped everything and come to mind DC when one has needed to go to hospital - they have only offered advice or opinions when we have asked for it, and have respected our decisions even tho they may have made different ones themselves

we are soooooo lucky - and I thought this was "normal"

kerala · 03/02/2011 14:17

Feel your pain my ILs are like this with the added bonus of MIL actually relishing turning us down Hmm. She is unhinged though and think its a power trip thing with her. We have vowed never never never to ask them for anything again - they even refused when I was pregnant, ill and had sole charge of a todder in a new area I didnt know anyone, my parents being on holiday at the time. We now put as much effort into the relationship as they do so you reap what you sow they are the losers.

My parents are great and we are now plugged into the teenage babysitting scene so its fine. Have you thought about swapping babysitting credits with friends/local parents?

putthekettleon · 03/02/2011 14:18

just don't ever ask them again, make other arrangements. Make sure there are plenty of opportunities for them to see your DC on your terms, eg invite them over, go see them when it's convenient, but don't ever rely on them that way you won't be disappointed.

If they ask why you could say 'we got the impression it was getting a bit much for you these days, after all you have the other GCs a lot and you're not getting any younger... if you want to have them over you're more than welcome, just let us know when.'

You get to keep the moral high ground, they can't accuse you of not letting them see their GC Grin

ambarth · 03/02/2011 14:23

You don't need to lie. You owe them fuck all.

LDNmummy · 03/02/2011 14:25

Be honest with them but not in a "i wanna pick a fight" spiteful way. Just say "oh we got a babysitter in as we didn't want to ask". After all, they haven't made any effort or spared you feelings so who gives a crap.

ENormaSnob · 03/02/2011 15:17

I wouldn't be arsed about their feelings at all tbh.

diddl · 03/02/2011 15:25

I´d tell them the truth tbh.

We are abroad.

MIL moans about not seeing the children (her only GC).

Last time husband said-why don´t you visit then?

No moaning since!

thereisalightanditnevergoesout · 03/02/2011 15:42

No, I don't think you need to worry - perhaps, like others have said, you don't have to pick a fight, but you can be matter of fact about it - sounds like you've got lots of examples you can give them if they need them.

Original poster
monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 15:51

I don't want to lie but think telling the truth would lead to an argument. They are quite spikey people though and I would never win an argument with them in a million years! I'm not good at arguing and forget all my points and they are great at it and twist everything. I think I would come out worse off and end up looking like the bad guy.

Sorry to hear so many other people have the same trouble!

OP posts:
Onetoomanycornettos · 03/02/2011 15:58

Just to put another angle on it, perhaps the BIL being the nightmare brother is precisely why they look after the other GC a lot and not yours. May be completely wrong.

I agree with the poster that said don't alienate them over this, just brush it off, 'oh I didn't know you wanted to look after them, we've booked a babysitter, perhaps another time'. My mum hates doing overnight or evening sitting, but is more than happy to run mine to school once in a while, just don't ask them any more for things they want to do, and step back a bit so you don't feel they are constantly pulling your strings (which they are).

mewantcookiesmenocanwait · 03/02/2011 17:21

Having been in a v similar situation, are you sure they really are helping out with their other GCs as much as they claim? I used to get wound up at my MIL going on about how much she was helping with her other GCs, when she wasn't willing to help with ours at all, until the penny finally dropped that it was always how she 'was going to babysit' next week or next month, but somehow it never actually happened.

TryLikingClarity · 03/02/2011 19:21

YANBU!

I think I would get DH to tell them the truth, but a short version and don't play the blame game.

Just say that you are paying someone to babysit as each time you've asked them they are always otherwise engaged.

If they want to pick up the point at this stage and ask something or offer something then they can. If they say nothing then it's sadly clear what they think.

My grandparents were the same. Did feck all for my parents when the 3 of us were kids, and now my mum has vowed to never be like that now I have a DS.

Original poster
monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 20:59

mewantcookiesmenocanwait - Yes I am sure. Everytime we go there they are babysitting the other GCs, every time we phone they are there etc.

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 03/02/2011 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doughnutty · 03/02/2011 21:29

Don't lie if they ask again.

These situations always upset me. My parents are no longer fit and well and spend a fair amount of time apologising for it as they would love nothing more than looking after DS.

Even in their poor health they have come and taken him for short walks in the buggy, or to the park etc which might only be for half an hour or so but I appreciate that they want so much to do something.

I am Sad on their behalf that other GPs are so unwilling when they would kill to be able to do more.

Shame on your PiL, OP.

Original poster
monkeyflippers · 04/02/2011 10:15

Thank you everyone for your advice.

My DH has managed to make me feel guilty about it, by saying how sad they are as they haven't spent much time with the GCs lately (I get really bad guilt about things). We have been to visit and had them here but they haven't had GCs on their own.

The guilt has made me question myself a bit and I don't want to do that! I'm fed up with thinking about everyone else all the time and worrying about their feelings when I went through such a difficult time and no one thought about me!

I think my DH would have liked to ask them really but I can't keep going on feeling so upset by them making everything so difficult for us, and the only way is to just not ask anymore.

OP posts:
putthekettleon · 04/02/2011 11:02

Aww, don't feel guilty. Perhaps say to them it's all arranged now for the anniversary dinner so there's no point changing it. But get them to name a date and time they want to look after the GC on their own. That way, if it happens then great, you get some time alone to go shopping/get your hair done or something. And if it doesn't at least you won't be stuck as you weren't relying on them for anything.

Original poster
monkeyflippers · 04/02/2011 12:27

putthekettleon - yeah I have thought of doing that. I always say to them that they are welcome to have the kids when they are not at work (they both take huge chunks of time off work so will often be off work for a month or 2 just doing this and that), but the offer never comes Sad. I then find out that they spent it all with other GCs.

I feel so sad for my dcs as they are lovely and don't deserve it.

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeyflippers · 04/02/2011 12:30

catsmother
I guess it's possible they do feel put upon by the BIL but in that case I imgaine the OP must wonder why on earth they can't be as blunt, unhelpful and evasive with him as they are with his brother ?

I think it is because if they were all hell would break lose as he is a spoilt little shit. Whereas my DH just goes "oh ok then" and is grateful that they are still even nice to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeyflippers · 04/02/2011 12:33

doughnutty - I totally get that as I have a relation that would love to help but just isn't capable. They feel so bad about it but I never mention it and make sure they get to spend lots of time with my dcs with me there as well.

OP posts:
Katisha · 04/02/2011 12:35

Your DH evdiently can't see quite how much this is getting you down.

None of this is going to change unless somebody says something.

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