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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not attend this funeral

39 replies

CheeseChomper · 03/02/2011 11:22

I'm 3 days overdue with first baby, and my beloved Nan tragically collapsed and died yesterday. She was very old but still was very independent and seemed fit and healthy, so has been a big shock.

Nan lived where the majority of my (tiny) family do, about 2 1/2 hour drive away. She was my Mum's mum, and my Mum is an only child, so feel awful that i'm not there for her (Normally would've jumped on the train straight away but she told me to stay put as she couldn't handle me going into labour up there). Anyway, Mum has my other siblings rallying around, plus some very good friends and my Dad (they're divorced but still get on okay).

I was chatting to Mum on the phone last night about whether or not I could help in anyway with practicalities, and she said she was going to have a meeting with the funeral directors tomorrow (Friday). She seems to think that the funeral would probably be the week after next, but that she'll "try and work around me". This is lovely in theory, but I don't want the onus for when the funeral is to be worked around me, as I have no idea when a.) little one will arrive and b.) How i'll be feeling physically and mentally after the birth. Have spoken to her again this morning, and told her to go ahead and book a date, and i'll do my utmost (sp) to come, and she said that "you'll hopefully be a few days post-birth by then, so not ideal, but you should be able to make it if DP drives you".

I'm feeling very anxious and stressed out now, and although I'd really want to say goodbye to my darling Nan and support my Mum, I'm not sure what to do with regards to baby and my health?

I plan on giving breastfeeding a go, so don't know how that would work, as surely I couldn't leave baby at home with anyone else that soon as wouldn't be able to express enough milk for a whole day, which is what the trip would entail time-wise? DP would come with me and drive me, but would baby be okay being that tiny on a 5 hour round trip? DP could stay with him at my Mum's whilst i'm at the service I guess? Staying the night isn't an option as Mum has no spare room for us all. Will I be bleeding lots at that stage? What if I need stitches? Thinking of will I be able to sit down for a lengthy period of time?!! Going back to breastfeeding, panicking about long drive with baby as how will I know when he needs feeding, or what if he crys a lot during the journey? If we stop all the time we might never get there! I ask these questions because i'm going to be a first timer and have no idea what to expect.

I also feel incredibly selfish feeling this way, but I really didn't plan on moving much from my bed/the sofa for the first couple of weeks at least, apart from maybe a little stroll around the block, so I could rest and we could get used to our new baby, bond and establish breastfeeding, and now I'm in tears today upset over my Nan but also because i'm going to have to be up and about and trekking across the country with a few day old baby and i'm worried I won't be able to cope.

I've got a sweep this Sunday, and if nothing happens then they'll induce me next Thursday (week today). Baby shows no signs of moving yet by the way, although would love him to arrive before Sunday

What would you do? AIBU not to attend the funeral? Is it too early to make a decision about this? I'm so tired as didn't sleep a wink last night thinking about it so can't see the woods for the trees...

OP posts:

Greenkit · 03/02/2011 11:28

I think its way to soon to think about whether you will attend or not.

Have your mum organise the funeral and see what happens. You may feel great you may not, but your not going to know till the day before.

Good luck with the new baby, when he/she arrives x

cocoachannel · 03/02/2011 11:28

I am very sorry to hear about your loss- it sounds like your Nan was lovely.

I'd simply wait and see. You don't know when your baby will arrive, how you'll feel and so on. I'm sure your Nan would have wanted you to put your and your baby's health before anything else- as will your Mum.

If you don't make it to the funeral, maybe you and your Mum can do something special to say goodbye to your Nan at a later date?

emsyj · 03/02/2011 11:29

YANBU. Your mum is obviously still in shock and very very upset, so she is probably not thinking clearly. A five hour trip would not be good for you or baby - isn't there a limit of about an hour for being in a car seat? You would have to make lots of stops etc.

You may feel fine - some people just up and bounce back after a baby, but they are in the minority. You need to perhaps get someone else to explain how you feel to your mum. Could your DP do it? He could tell her how desperately you want to be at the funeral, but that he wants to take good care of you when the baby arrives and ask her if she would tell you that it is ok for you not to go if you don't feel up to it.

for this horrible situation.

Greenkit · 03/02/2011 11:29

So sorry you have lost your nan

thunderbird69 · 03/02/2011 11:30

So sorry to hear of your loss, understandably you seem to be in emotional turmoil at the moment. Don't make a decision now and try not to think of all the 'what ifs'.
There's nothing that can't be dealt with easily and nothing terrible that will happen as a result of any of your worries. Honestly.

But if you don't feel up to it when the time comes then it sounds like your mum will understand.

mazfah · 03/02/2011 11:30

Way to early to think about it. Get the birth out of the way and settle in with BFing then have a think. Also with a 2 and a half hour drive you have practicalities to consider, like where you will pull over when your baby wants a feed.

You may have a textbook birth and establish feeding straight away and it won't be a problem, so just try and relax about it now.

mazfah · 03/02/2011 11:30

Also, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Original poster

CheeseChomper · 03/02/2011 11:42

Thanks for your kind words.

I think it prob is too early to make a decision.

My gut instinct at the moment is that although I might be okay being slung in a car and driven there, that throwing a tiny baby into the mix for long drives there and back and when we don't know when he'll need feeding etc will be extremely stressful for baby, me and DP.

Think I need to try and relax though else he'll never arrive!

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 03/02/2011 11:45

Yes, just see how it goes. You can't do anything other than that, especially with a first baby.

Sorry about you Nan - I miss both of mine

WhyMeWhyNot · 03/02/2011 11:46

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Nan. I think the last thing she would want is you worrying about this in your last few days of pregnancy.

You will know instinctively whether you are up for the emotional day of the funeral but not until a day or so before so I'd put off making any decision now.

Is your Nan being cremated? If so could you tell your Mum that you'll definitely be able to attend an ash scattering service if you don't make the funeral itself.

I feel your poor Mum is being a bit unfair on you with this added pressure but she is upset at the moment isn't she and won't have her normal logical thinking.

You and your baby come first and a long car drive with a newborn won't be easy.

As a postscript though I work in a maternity unit and a lady visiting surrey from cornwall went into labour at 37 weeks and delivered quickly. She and her husband and baby set off for the drive direct to Cornwall on her discharge from the ward 3 days later. She was just going to pull over somewhere to breastfeed.

bubblewrapped · 03/02/2011 11:46

It sounds like your mum will completely understand if you cant make it.

Why not offer to your mum that she come and stay with you for a few days after the funeral, as she will no doubt be looking forward to meeting her new grandchild, and a change of scenery will probably be what she needs too, as well as being able to fuss around you for a few days to take her mind off things as little.

Original poster

CheeseChomper · 03/02/2011 11:52

Yes, was planning on having Mum come and stay for a few days once DP has gone back to work after paternity leave, which will be nice and hopefully take her mind off of things.

OP posts:

EauRouge · 03/02/2011 11:56

Sorry for your loss, CheeseChomper. :( I agree that you don't have to decide now and that if you decide not to go then YANBU and I'm sure everyone will understand.

TurkeyBurgerThing · 03/02/2011 11:56

See how you feel in the next few days but if you're overdue you may well be better staying close to home.

I didn't go to my grandfather's funeral because I was in the final days of handing in my uni dissertation. My mum and aunties all told me that he would rather I finished that than go to the fueral. I felt bad, but it was the best choice.

rickymummy · 03/02/2011 11:57

Hugs. xxx

I agree, just wait and see what happens. There is no way you can commit to anything at the moment.

Please don't stress about it. To be honest, if it were me, I would just plan on the basis that I wasn't planning to attend the funeral, but would plant a rosebush or mark the day in another way. Your family will completely understand, and it will take the pressure off you.

JamieLeeCurtis · 03/02/2011 11:57

I agree with ricky

PandaG · 03/02/2011 11:59

sorry for your loss.

DH's grandad died about 4 days after DD was born, the funeral was about a week later. DPIL assumed we wouldn't go, but we did, we both wanted to say goodbye. DD was our second child, so I wasn't quite so worried about bf etc.

I think you will just have to see how you feel the day before. We took DD to the service, a friend of MIL's had her in a carseat on the back row of the church, ready to whip her out into the vestry where I could go to feed if she cried. I think it was a help to PIL and DH's aunt to have DD around after the service, they were both pleased to meet her.

regarding long journeys with babies - you just need to leave plenty of time for stops to feed and change - could you perhaps travel up the night before and stay in a hotel? tiny babies are so much more portable than bigger ones - you really only need food - you or bottles - premade cartons and a coldwater steriliser if in hotel room would be ok, clothes, nappies and somewhere to sleep - top of the pram would be fine for one night.

we found our kids slept a lot in the car, even when pretty small, so the journey may not be as bad as you think.

I did have stitches, and was still bleeding, but it was ok for me - you might be ok!

I think what I am trying to say is, don't write the idea of going off completely, it might be that you do feel ok and are able to go. alternatively, don't pressurise yourself into going just because you think you should, with a tiny newborn it is perfectly reasonable for you not to go.

I hope you have a straightforward birth, and whatever you decide about the funeral are able to say goodbye to your gran in your own way.

marcopront · 03/02/2011 12:01

My Grandma died when my sister was 40 weeks pregnant. The funeral took place when my niece was 3 days old. My sister didn't go to the funeral but my brother in law did and had photos of my niece to show people.

Could your DP go?

KirstyJC · 03/02/2011 12:07

Sorry for your loss .

I was in the same boat with DS2 - he was born the day before my grandma's funeral and I wasn't able to attend. I did want to, and physically I could have tried as it was only about 30 mins away, but it was middle of winter and would have involved a lot of standing around with newborn being freezing and feeling sore.

I didn't go, although I felt bad about it - and not a single person expected me to go. My family came over to our house (was a homebirth) in the morning before the funeral and we spoke later in the day after the wake. They all assumed I wouldn't be going, which actually helped me not feel so guilty. I know Grandma wouldn't have minded given the circumstances and I'm sure yours would be the same.

You could always visit her grave/memorial plaque in a couple of weeks and say goodbye then if you need to.

Good luck with the new baby .

BlueCat2010 · 03/02/2011 12:09

Sorry for you loss.

YANBU - it's bad enough to be having a baby let alone when you have something like this thrown in the mix.

After I had both of my DS's I was fine, and was back in my office (although not for as long as normal) a couple of days after having them. I just used to take them in as they do do sleep for most of the time, and when they are awake it is just a case of chaning them, feeding them and then they off sleeping again. It's easier with a tiny baby than with one that is say 6 months old!

You shouldn't be losing too mch by then - it was very heavy for me in the first couple of days. After that it was more like a heavy period, which is not so much of a problem if you use maternity pads - these also help 'pad' things out if you have had stiches too.

If you did go then it is perfectly acceptable to take the baby into the funeral with you, so you wouldn't have to leave them with anyone, and it will give you the chance to say goodbye to your Nan. Around here there is approx 3 - 4 weeks 'waiting time' for the local crem, so it may be that your little one will arrive in plenty of time for you to spend that quality time together and go the the funeral.

Emmanana · 03/02/2011 12:10

Sorry for your loss. I think any loving Nan would put their dear Grandchildren first in any situation, and if she were here she would be insisting you put your dear baby at the top of your priorites. If you can't make it, please don't fret. Why not buy a lovely bunch of flowers on the day of her funeral, place it near her photo, and spend the day cuddling your little one, whispering in his/her ear all the special memories you have of your Nan?
I hope the love she had for you gives you strength as you deliver your little one x

BoattoBolivia · 03/02/2011 12:11

You can't make the decision yet. So sorry for your loss, and I know how much you would like to go, but you just don't know how you will feel.
My dd was born 3 1/2 weeks early while we were in Manchester for a wedding ( we live in surrey!) I refused to leave the hospital for 4 days!! The journey was fine in the end- she slept the whole way back- I could havestopped and fed at the services, but I was really stressed about the idea of having a screaming baby in the car, and I really hadn't got the feeding sorted. BUT you may be totally up for it!

MilkNoSugarPlease · 03/02/2011 12:11

Oh Cheese I'm so sorry :(

JamieLeeCurtis · 03/02/2011 12:13

Blimey BlueCat - am in awe of your physical recovery!

I won't go into details about mine ...... but lets just say - EMCS (Ist one) and painful lady ares (2nd one)

JamieLeeCurtis · 03/02/2011 12:14

areas

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