To not attend this funeral

[CheeseChomper]

I'm 3 days overdue with first baby, and my beloved Nan tragically collapsed and died yesterday. She was very old but still was very independent and seemed fit and healthy, so has been a big shock.

Nan lived where the majority of my (tiny) family do, about 2 1/2 hour drive away. She was my Mum's mum, and my Mum is an only child, so feel awful that i'm not there for her (Normally would've jumped on the train straight away but she told me to stay put as she couldn't handle me going into labour up there). Anyway, Mum has my other siblings rallying around, plus some very good friends and my Dad (they're divorced but still get on okay).

I was chatting to Mum on the phone last night about whether or not I could help in anyway with practicalities, and she said she was going to have a meeting with the funeral directors tomorrow (Friday). She seems to think that the funeral would probably be the week after next, but that she'll "try and work around me". This is lovely in theory, but I don't want the onus for when the funeral is to be worked around me, as I have no idea when a.) little one will arrive and b.) How i'll be feeling physically and mentally after the birth. Have spoken to her again this morning, and told her to go ahead and book a date, and i'll do my utmost (sp) to come, and she said that "you'll hopefully be a few days post-birth by then, so not ideal, but you should be able to make it if DP drives you".

I'm feeling very anxious and stressed out now, and although I'd really want to say goodbye to my darling Nan and support my Mum, I'm not sure what to do with regards to baby and my health?

I plan on giving breastfeeding a go, so don't know how that would work, as surely I couldn't leave baby at home with anyone else that soon as wouldn't be able to express enough milk for a whole day, which is what the trip would entail time-wise? DP would come with me and drive me, but would baby be okay being that tiny on a 5 hour round trip? DP could stay with him at my Mum's whilst i'm at the service I guess? Staying the night isn't an option as Mum has no spare room for us all. Will I be bleeding lots at that stage? What if I need stitches? Thinking of will I be able to sit down for a lengthy period of time?!! Going back to breastfeeding, panicking about long drive with baby as how will I know when he needs feeding, or what if he crys a lot during the journey? If we stop all the time we might never get there! I ask these questions because i'm going to be a first timer and have no idea what to expect.

I also feel incredibly selfish feeling this way, but I really didn't plan on moving much from my bed/the sofa for the first couple of weeks at least, apart from maybe a little stroll around the block, so I could rest and we could get used to our new baby, bond and establish breastfeeding, and now I'm in tears today upset over my Nan but also because i'm going to have to be up and about and trekking across the country with a few day old baby and i'm worried I won't be able to cope.

I've got a sweep this Sunday, and if nothing happens then they'll induce me next Thursday (week today). Baby shows no signs of moving yet by the way, although would love him to arrive before Sunday

What would you do? AIBU not to attend the funeral? Is it too early to make a decision about this? I'm so tired as didn't sleep a wink last night thinking about it so can't see the woods for the trees...

Please try not to worry about it. You might find when your LO arrives you want to go and I'm sure if you can't your family will understand - maybe your mum just doesn't want you to feel left out.

My FIL died the day after my first was born and my husband disappeared to support his mum (it was completely out of the blue). I agreed to go to the funeral with him although my parents had said they would come and stay with me. I was very nervous but it was fine.

The journey was 4 hours each way but I'm glad I went and I know that I gained support from my MIL and she took comfort in seeing her new grandson.

I don't think you sould go. 5 hours is very long time and a new born would want to feed for hours and hours on and off - or just be held. I can't tell you just how exhausting it is to have a new baby. Such a steep learning curve with your first specifically.

I didn't attend a funeral recently with it being a 3 hour round trip. I'm 39 weeks and gave birth early last time. I also couldn't attend my uncles funeral due to birth of eldest son. Son was 3 weeks old and it would have been a 5 round trip. I remembered him in my own way though (sitting by a lake side)and made sure i talked to family about our fond memories after the funeral. My cousin actually recored the whole ceremony and took lots of photos - it was still very special.

What would your nan have wanted? Would she have been thinking about you taking it steady, bonding and recovering?

Me again. I just wanted to say that the main thing is not to put any pressure on yourself. Of course you can change your mind and go if you feel okay but, regardless of feeding patters etc, you may physically not feel up to it. I was another one who simply could not have done it. I couldn't actually sit down for a week, and didn't leave the house for about ten days. Be easy on yourself. xxx

Again thanks all for your kind words. I think I will play things by ear and wait to find out when funeral is planned for and then just wait for little one and see how I feel, although tbh i'm not sure if i'll be fully up to it.

Mum said that I could just go to the service and not the wake, but it's not that tbh, it's the distance of getting there and back in the first place rather than actually spending time there.

I think she'll be supportive, although I do worry a little about her reaction if I say I can't/won't go, as my Great Auntie (her Auntie) died in October and I didn't travel to attend the funeral then as i'd been admitted to hospital previously for a few days and on release was told to take it easy for a couple of weeks- got the impression she was a bit catsbum-mouth on the phone that I wasn't going to hop on a train.

It's so hard to deal with this at the moment. I do want to be there for Mum too as we're very close. I do know that my Nan wouldn't want me stressing about this and would probably feel mortified that she'd "checked out" (as she used to say!) at such a difficult time as she was a born worrier and used to fret over everything.

You've got two huge things going on here.

First, when you are pregnant and have a baby, you are super sensitive to all family relationships. It's completely normal but, as everyone will say, this is the one time in youre life when you have to put yourself first.

Secondly, when people are grieving, they also become very sensitive and it puts a massive strain on relationships. I work with people who have been recently bereaved, and I always notice how it throws all relationships up in the air and takes a while to settle.

So, see what happens, do what feels right for you at the time, and don't read too much into your Mum's reaction.

It will be fine. x

Thanks rickymummy, you've been very kind today

You will know when the baby is here.

It is easier sometimes with a tiny one, but that tiny...

My condolences on your loss. And good luck with the birth!

Cheese I'm so sorry.

It's such a difficult time for you all please don't take anything your m says to heart. You won't know how you feel or if it will be possible till the time comes. Fwiw newborns are very portable and much easier to deal with than toddlers. The desicion has to be yours and dp's, you have to do what is best for your little unit.

I'm so sorry for your loss, especially at such an important time in your life.

I do agree that you can't know how you will feel until after you have the baby.

You may feel very bad, you may feel fine and up to attending the funeral. It really does depend on you at the time. Small babies are very portable, but you have to feel comfortable (and ready) with feeding/changing/looking after the baby on the go.

THe short answer is you won't know wether you can go to the funeral until the day dawns.

I took my 25 day old, 4 week early baby to my Aunts funeral. By that time I was fine physically and baby just slept most of the time. I think I would of been able to do it a few days after birth but the funeral was in the same town.

You ideally need physically to be over the worst of the lochia and able to sit in a car for an hour at least. You will probably find that you need to factor in a few stops for feeding but you might be lucky and baby sleeps so you can nap. I would take her to the service if you feel you can breastfeed in public. I did but I don't mind bfing in public. I also had a very roomy shirt on that covered dd. babies are also a comfort at funerals, we had dozens of people coo over her whilst she slept.

I am really sorry for your loss, don't panic about the details until baby is here and if you can't go you could always send flowers and arrange to go upto the grave when your dc is old enough for a visit

Sending you a big hug

It sounds like you would prefer not to go in the circumstances. I agree with the posters who suggest that your Nan would think that the wellbeing of you and your baby is more important. If you don't make it to the funeral you will find other ways to say goodbye to her.

On the other hand, if as the time gets nearer you do decide that you want to go, you will probably be able to find a way. I had an emergency CS and was bf but we managed to fly to Edinburgh when dd1 was 2 weeks old (wanted to visit MIL who was terminally ill).

If you do decide to go, you will need to allow extra time for the journey. Would staying in a hotel be an option, to avoid having to travel there and back in one day? Would travelling by train be an option, as then you can have the baby on your lap and bf along the way?

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP.

I'm going to go against the grain here though, and say that if it was me, unless I was actually in labour I'd be going to the funeral. It will be hard, yes, but it can be done. Your DH can drive you, you can stop if necessary, you can make yourself as comfortable as possible. You can take baby with you (she can be outside with your DH if necessary). The ceremony will only be about half an hour. I understand that feeling of wanting to hibernate with your newborn, but this is just one day out of many weeks you'll be able to spend doing just that.

Just my opinion. If you don't go, you might regret it.

Sorry about your loss.

My uncles funeral was yesterday and a cousin bought her 9 day old baby. She was silent and was asleep. She sat at back though incase she needed to feed. No-one felt this was unappropriate. (altho only 5 mins drive to crematorium not 2+hrs).

I think you have to do what you and DP feel is best and dependent on your LO. You may have a good sleeper you may not.

FWIW I'm sure you nan would have understood and respected your decision.

OTOH I have a funeral next week which I can't attend as DS has allergy apt at hospital. everyone understands and agrees DS has to come first. (he's analyphalatic).

cheesechomper FWIW you sound like an extremely sensible mummy to be and are perfectly realistic. I wish you and DP the best of luck for the new arrival and my condolences on the death of your nan. (((hugs)))

I'm very sorry for your loss. :(

I too think you need to play it by ear. You won't know how you feel until the time, and other people's experiences will serve only to show that it is possible to travel and attend an 'occasion', but since every mum and baby are different, you can't base your decision on what has happened to others.

I think the best way to handle this would be to tell your mum that you do very much want to be at the funeral, but that you will have to make a decision one way or the other on the day (or the day before if you decide to stay overnight).

Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. :(