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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to talk to ex dp about this?

26 replies

curlymama · 02/02/2011 18:30

Slightly trivial, not much of a problem, but I'd like to know if you would bother talking moaning to the dc's Dad about this.

We get on really well, co parent in nearly every way we can, chat about most things and are generally on very good terms. It hasn't always been like that, but is has been for the last few years and I feel very lucky that we have managed to maintain such a good relationship, and that my dc's have a fantastic Dad.

But, on the weekends that he has the dc's, he only does the easy homework with ds1 who is 11. By that, I mean he either gets him to do the maths or spellings sheet, and leaves the big research thing that involves lots of googling and writing down to me to help with. I have usually got him to do one of the sheets done during the week, but we do tend to save homework for the weekends just because week nights are usually busy with ferrying around to the various clubs or lessons, friends coming back after school and instrument practice. It works for us most of the time.

So the dc's go off with their Dad on a Saturday morning, come back on Sunday evening, and all ex has gone is get ds1 to sit down with whatever sheet needs doing, and left him to it. Ds1 doesn't need any help at all with those types of things, but when it comes to actually writing a few paragraphs, he really struggles. He has AS, zero imagination and truly doesn't understand why he can't just copy and paste. In his mind, he has provided a piece of paper with the required information, and that should be that! Grin So as you can imagine, getting him to write anything in his own words can be like pulling teeth.

AIBU to make ex do these types of homework with ds, even if he has to go to his sisters to use the printer, and take up around an hour of his time with ds? I know the weekends ex has the dc's are precious to him, and he doesn't want to spend that time nagging at ds to do homework that he hates having to do. But then I spend half my time getting them to do things thay don't want to do as well.

Sorry, longer than I intended it to be! Blush

OP posts:
mutznutz · 02/02/2011 18:35

YABU If I didn't live with my kids, the last thing I'd want to do during our precious time together, would be homework.

FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 18:36

Agree with Mutz.

Original poster
curlymama · 02/02/2011 18:39

Really? Ok. Not what I was hoping to hear, but I guess that's why I asked! Smile

OP posts:
Fontsnob · 02/02/2011 18:39

I see your point, but from the other perspective dsd 1 sometimes spends all day Sunday doing her homework. Which cuts down on time doing family things and spending fun time with dh, which is also important. Dh does help with the homework when required but dsd is getting more independent. We'd never not get the homework done but it is a shame that they miss that time together.

So um, I'm not sure if you are being unreasonable or not. I guess talking to him cant hurt. Sorry, that's not so helpful!

BeerTricksPotter · 02/02/2011 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Boys2mam · 02/02/2011 18:50

I don't think YABU...

...Why should their Dad get all the fun stuff/time while you then have to spend Sunday evenings doing homework?

zikes · 02/02/2011 18:57

Probably not worth rowing over, but equally if you're feeling it's unfair not worth developing a head of resentment over. I should have a joky word about it and alternate homeworks like BeerTricks suggests.

Truckulente · 02/02/2011 19:01

Does he have them one night a week or one night a fortnight?

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 19:04

No-one's saying the Dad shouldn't do it Boys2mam....just perhaps not spend as much time on it as the parent with custody.

Gleeb · 02/02/2011 19:09

I co-parent too and I absolutely would think he should pull his weight on the homework.

We currently have a similar time distribution between us and DS is only 3.9 but it already bugs me that ExH get to 'be' with him more because he's not trying to fit in running the rest of his life into that time.

Co-parenting is about sharing the responsibility, not one parent sucking up the good bits.

jenga079 · 02/02/2011 19:12

Could he help with the research bit and then email it to you so that you can also 'help' (or just print it out if you have a printer and he doesn't) Your DC probably don't want to spend an hour going to someone else's house to do printing if they don't see Dad that often?

FreudianSlippery · 02/02/2011 19:20

Hmm tricky one.

Emailing to print at yours is a great idea - we did that until we got our new printer, or we just put it on a flash drive to print at school.

We are sort of the opposite, in that we do as much HW as possible here because at home with their mum they get no support. By her own admission, DH's exW struggles with school stuff so she is grateful we help so much. In fact she's just started letting DSDs stay over during the school week so they can have more help.

Is there a possibility that your ex struggles with this stuff? And doesn't know how to help?

WimpleOfTheBallet · 02/02/2011 19:23

Why shouldn't he spend time on it? Who says it's not fun! He shold experience all things in his time with his kids not only the good bits!

His son may benefit from 2 parents being involved in different aspects of hs learning.

My DH wont do ANY homework and he lives with uus! I think it's a common Dad thing.

Original poster
curlymama · 02/02/2011 19:26

Thanks for all the replies, everyone, I'm appreciating the input.

The taking it in turns and maybe me doing the printing is a good idea, I might suggest something like that.

To try and answer some points, he has the dc's at least every other weekend, sometimes more. It's very flexible and sometimes depends on what we have going on with the extended families, or if ex and I have plans that work better without the dc's. Sometimes he has them for the Friday night as well, about once a month, and sometimes he will pop over in the week to spend an hour with them.

I wouldn't end up resenting him at all, I appreciate everything he does to be a good Dad, and he would grudgingly do it if I asked him too. I don't want to ask if it really would be unfair though. It just sometimes feels like he gets the all the fun stuff (as you said Boys) and I get the boring bits, because obviously I still have to do it on my weekends with the dc's.

OP posts:
Altaira · 02/02/2011 19:26

Does ex-p have them one night out of 14?

If so then yabvu and unfair. He does help with some of the homework, so does do his bit. If he had them more equally, then you would be right to expect more equal homework input, but until then..

Original poster
curlymama · 02/02/2011 19:32

X posts! Freudian, he's quite good at doing it really, but Maths is his definate strength and I'm probably better at English. Ex could do both tbh, but ds is quite advanced at Maths so doesn't really need help there. Which is good, because my maths is dire! It's just because ds's creative writing skills are not good, it is incredibly hard to get him to put things in his own words. Even his teacher finds it hard!

OP posts:
LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 02/02/2011 19:32

Just a thought, but I am assuming that he is in year 6. Next year he will have a lot more homework, and will find that he has to do some most nights and at the weekend. Therefore, really his dad needs to get used to doing proper homework at the weekend (and buy a printer, they are very cheap), but also you will need to make time on week nights too.

Research homework can't really be squeezed into a Sunday night, so it would probably be best for now if you start it in the week (and he is 11, should really need very little guidance from you), and do the finishing at the weekend (make sure he either emails it to himself or saves it on a memory stick - I prefer email as it can't be lost).

Original poster
curlymama · 02/02/2011 19:36

It is sometimes one night in 14, but quite often more. And he has two full free days where as I don't always get that.

As I said, the arrangements are always very flexible, sometimes he just has them for the day, sometimes two nights over a weekend, it varies so much, it's hard to say exactly how much time he gets. Sorry, I know that doesn't help! I would say he has them quite alot though.

OP posts:
Original poster
curlymama · 02/02/2011 19:41

He is in yr6 Loopy, I'm dreading secondary school homework!

It really is just the writing homework that he struggles with, usually he just gets on woth it and we do encourage him to take responsibilty for it himself.

Might be a good time to ask if anyone has any tips to encourage putting things into your own words with children with Aspergers? I'm told it's fairly common for dc's with AS to struggle with this, but his lovely but quite 'old school' teacher isn't that helpful.

OP posts:
mjloveswineoclock · 02/02/2011 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 19:51

Why not consider a tutor for your son? Someone who has teaching skills who could teach him one to one and work on the research projects with him.

theredhen · 02/02/2011 19:55

YABU.

You have DS 6 days per week, he has him for one. Whilst I appreciate it is the weekend, I don't see why homework can't be done during the evenings as well.

He is doing some of the homework with DS, if he was doing nothing then maybe you have a point.

DP's ex saves all the kids homework for us to do at the weekends and the kids don't bother during the week.

DS does all his homework during the week and does clubs and has a long commute and an early night. I only expect DS to do the homework he gets on a Friday night at his Dad's and even then, if it's something he needs help with, and it can wait, I will do it with him as his Dad doesn't help DS.

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 19:56

He hardly sees them at all in comparison to you OP and he does still help with the homework so I still think you're YABU.

If the only reason you save the homework for the weekend is because week nights are usually busy with ferrying around to the various clubs or lessons, friends coming back after school and instrument practice

It might be an idea to start organising your week evenings. Perhaps start by saying friends on one evening a weekend only until a homework routine is in place.

There's no way they'll be able to stick to weekends only when they're at senior school.

Hassled · 02/02/2011 19:56

Well the closeness of Secondary school is exactly the opening you need to have this conversation with your Ex - there will be way more homework and he's going to have to be on board and do his bit. And a lot of the HW is "Extended Learning" - so quite sizeable bits of research over a long period of time. Does the High School have a website whcih spells this all out somewhere you can show the Ex so he gets the message?

And yes, if you can agree that he helps with Subjects X, Y and Z while you do A, B and C, that sounds very reasonable.

mutznutz · 02/02/2011 19:58

that should be on one evening a week only Blush