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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need some advice re mother in law

58 replies

HairyMclary1979 · 02/02/2011 15:06

My mother in law has been banging on for months about wanting my sons birth certificate so she can open a bank account for him. I eventually told her today that would not be happening and if she wanted to put money aside for him when he is older to put it in his trust fund. I told her I was not happy with her being trustee it isn't just money from her that will be paid in but money from my nan in law to. I am against it as my husband her son had am account that was tied up till he was 18 and she took the money that relatives had put in and squandered the lot. Am I being reasonable to say to her I want her to have nothing to do with money that has been given to my son?

OP posts:

Sarsaparilllla · 02/02/2011 16:31

Set up an account yourself and let her pay money into it, then she will only be able to pay in but not do anything else and you'll have control of it.

That way you can say she doesn't need the BC to set one up because it's already been done.

Ladyofthehousespeaking · 02/02/2011 16:35

Nonono yanbu- major alarm bells I think. What did she spend dh's money on?
How does dh feel about it all?

monkeyflippers · 02/02/2011 16:47

Seeing as she nicked all of your DHs money then NO she should not be allowed to have control over money intended for your DC. It would be different if it were her putting the money in but it's another relative as well.

She has proven that she can't be trusted before and it would not be unreasonable for you to say that this is the reason.

By the way, what did she spend DHs money on?

BlackSwan · 02/02/2011 16:53

Think the suggestion has already been made - tell her to put the money into his Child Trust Fund. Tell her she needn't worry with the paperwork, blah blah, and it's better for you all to save on administration fees if she just deposits into his CTF. You can make it easier for her still - just say, all she needs to do is write out any cheques to "[DS's name] Child Trust Fund" and you will personally take it to the bank.

If she pushes, tell her you think it's really not necessary to have any extra accounts 'floating around' - much easier to keep track of this one account.

Don't give her the account details or anything. Don't relent. If she pushes, just tell her she needn't worry herself and it's already taken care of.

MarianneM · 02/02/2011 17:06

Even if there was no history, I wouldn't let her do it.

It's a control issue too. My MIL and my father also wanted to open accounts for my daughters in their joint names (e.g. DD1 + MIL), but I said that any accounts for them would be opened by me and DH. I very much dislike the idea of anyone else having any kind of hold over my daughters, so they could potentially use the money to get my daughters to do what they wanted.

My MIL for example has loads of my DH's and BIL's (nice) old toys and things in her house but when either son asks for any of THEIR old toys for their own children she sayd that they can play with them when we go over...we live in a different country

And my father thinks he is the girls' father and would love nothing better than to control their finances and use them as leverage to get his way.

If people want to give money to your children, they can put it in an account opened by you. Otherwise it's something else really that they want...

YANBU!!!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 02/02/2011 17:10

Let her open an account.

But if her past history of squandering other people's money is true, just assume that your ds will never see that money and as he never had it in the first place, you've got nothing to worry about. Also saves a row.

Just make sure all other relatives know that you have set up a bank account for him and if they should ever want to give him money, to give the money/cheque to you to deposit.

monkeyflippers · 02/02/2011 17:11

MarianneM - that sounds creepy

wannabesybil · 02/02/2011 17:13

Don't know if this applies...

I have a vague idea that if you need to claim benefits then a child's savings are included in the figures. So you could perhaps be over a savings limit for benefits but have no access to the money. Doesn't apply to Trust Funds, iirc.

I'd ask for the money to be paid into the trust fund, esp nan in laws. Do you have any direct contact with nan in law to explain that you haven't had the money, how does she want to proceed (if someone kept money back from a child that I wanted to pass on I would be incandescent).

MarianneM · 02/02/2011 17:14

monkeyflippers - yes, quite correct!

ENormaSnob · 02/02/2011 17:16

Yanbu at all

if she genuinely wanted to give with no strings then she would be happy to use the ctf as suggested.

StealthPolarBear · 02/02/2011 17:17

Letting her open it and assuming you'll never see the money is no good, as she may well give the details to other relatives who want to give the OP's son money

saffy85 · 02/02/2011 17:19

YANBU to not trust her if she's spent someone else's money in the past.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 02/02/2011 17:26

Thank you to whoever mentioned the children's pension idea.. I didn't realise this was an option and will definitely be looking into it

Original poster

HairyMclary1979 · 02/02/2011 17:27

my dh agrees with me one hundred percent, all his money was spent on a home computer for work purposes he had no say in what his money was spent on. now i'm on the laptop and not my phone i will set you the sceen. mil and fil marry and have a son (my dh) mil and fil seperate but mil stays in contact with her mil (my oh's nan) mil then goes on to marry again and my oh's step dad is still on the sceen now. he is a rather overbearing man and is like mil in several ways. my oh's nan sends my sons money to mil not us (god knows why as it's money to be spent on presents for DS) mil has had this money in her account for some time and has been banging on about opening an account for ds for months. i dont see why she can't just put it all in his trust fund (the ones set up by the government) as the there will be no issues of trust as nobody can touch it. i know there are limits as to how much you can pay into these each year but the amount would not be excedded.she did say she would put my oh name down as well as hers but we still aren't comfortable with that as she would still be named.

OP posts:

pranma · 02/02/2011 18:39

I have an account for dgd who lives in Turkey-I did have to have her birth certificate as proof of age is required for tax exemption on the interest :)It built up slowly then ds moved house and needed money for school fees for dgd.He asked for some from the account which I agreed to as I hae no spare cash.Only I was allowed to withdraw the money and that would be the same for your m-i-l.As I put it in on a monthly standing order it works very well.

wayoftheworld · 02/02/2011 18:47

We opened the account ourselves for the kids and MIL only has account number to put money through from her account. No other detail has been given and we are all very happy!! Or ask her to give you the cash for you to put it through, but would mean she will have to trust you that is happening and it looks to me like there is no trust at all here.

But I would only do this to my terms not hers!!

zikes · 02/02/2011 18:48

If the mil already gets her hands on the money from the nan, I don't see the problem with her setting up an account, cos she can simply take it anyway?

You can always set up another account for any savings you want to make for your ds or his birthday money from other sources.

toeragsnotriches · 02/02/2011 18:50

YANBU at all. No child needs two bank accounts. He has a trust fund. She can use that.

Original poster

HairyMclary1979 · 02/02/2011 19:39

thanks everyone, i thought i was being a right bitch but now i feel a whole lot better.

OP posts:

reelingintheyears · 02/02/2011 19:59

Why does she need a birth certificate?

My Mum did this (opened accounts) for my DCs when they were all babies and gave them the accounts when they were/are 18.

Unfortunatley you can't really do much if other relatives give her money to pay in to the account she has opened unless they tell you they have done it and even then you can't really go and ask her for proof that she has paid it in.

I suppose that's between them and your MIL.

reelingintheyears · 02/02/2011 20:03

Maybe Grandparents who open savings accounts etc for their DGCs like to think it's something they can do for the DGCs.
Something they can leave them.

I wouldn't have turned my nose up at an extra account when i was 18.

Original poster

HairyMclary1979 · 02/02/2011 20:12

reelingintheyears it's not the extra account that bothers me it's the fact of what she did with the account she had for my dh. she went in the day before he turned 18 and withdrew the lot and spent it on herself, if i gave her the go ahead to be trustee of my sons extra account i would be worried as to the safty of his money.

OP posts:

mum295 · 02/02/2011 20:46

Just to redress the balance of facts here (off-topic, sorry OP), extra accounts for a DC/DGC can be a good way to save tax-efficiently for a child's future.

You can have a trust fund but can only put up to a certain amount per year into one. Once you get past that limit, there are special higher-interest accounts for children which can be useful (we have one with the Halifax) and also, as I mentioned earlier, pensions. Grandparents can (so I've been told) also set up accounts for grandchildren as a tax-efficient way to avoid inheritance tax in some circumstances.

Sorry to deviate from the subject, but I did just want to correct some of the things that have been said here.

Of course, the multiple accounts and accounts by GPs would be of no use to the OP if she doesn't trust her MIL.

But for others, they can be good ways to save.

For what its worth, my DD's Child Trust Fund says the money cannot be withdrawn by anyone until she is aged 18. And the money is then paid to her, no one else.

Financial Advisor told us that if we wanted to have control of the money (to stop DD spending it on something we didn't want her to) then we should just pay money into an ISA.

mum295 · 02/02/2011 20:47

As you were

monkeyflippers · 03/02/2011 09:59

Have you ever confronted her with the fact that she did this (or had your DH)?

He must have been gutted if he was expecting this money. At that age he would have been aware and capable of sticking up for himself. Just wondering what her reasoning was for it.

Maybe you should speak to the nan and tell her your concerns.

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