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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to constantly walk on egg shells

68 replies

Nando95 · 02/02/2011 14:09

Hi all I have a very good friend who like me has a 3 and a half year old daughter, both children are close and go to the same nursery. My friends child is a quiet little girl but like a lot of children that age is very prone to extremely bad tantrums over the slightest little thing- she tends to want as most children do what other children has and I always try to implement this in regards to my own daughter in order for her not to go off on one. For example- I constantly have to lie about things I have bought my daughter as she will demand it also, I always make sure I have 2 of everything such as the same yoghurts, fruit etc and I even do things like ring my friend in the morning if my child wants to take her umbrella down to nursery etc as otherwise her daughter will go off on one if she hasnt got hers.
The thing is the favour is rarely returned for me and she does things like buy her child cookies without considering mine etc this I dont have a problem with as my child is much more easy going but I feel like I cant do similar things in return as this would greatly distress her child.

Another friend has recently commented that we are all letting the child control us by doing these things- but I have seen how upset the child gets and also how upset her mother gets when these tantrums are thrown. Shall I just carry on with my daughter as normal or always give a thought to her child.

OP posts:

coldtits · 02/02/2011 16:55

I take the mickey out of 3 year olds who do this. I will gaze at the sky and say "OH NOOOOO! The SKY! It has RAIN in it!! I don't have rain in ME! Thatn't NOT FAIR!" and stamp my feet.

They either laugh at me and stop screaming or they get my point and STFU.

And yes, that did include my own children, and at one point was almost exclusive to ds2.

TallulahDoesTheHula · 02/02/2011 16:55

Why is everyone slating the other Mum??
The child is obviously having mega tantrums because her mum is NOT giving in to her!!
Its the OP who is pandering to her!!
The girls mum is probably hinting at such by not buying OPs DD a cookie etc - she is showing you what she wants you to do!
Its not her fault she has a tantrummy DD but she is dealing with it well if she is still getting on with things and not pandering to her.
OP - you need to stop pandering to her too!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/02/2011 17:14

tallulah - what about the bit where the OP tells us that the other mother requires her to telephone in the morning to inform her if she has provided her daughter with anything or is doing anything differently?

olderandwider · 02/02/2011 17:42

OP - the tantrums really are not your problem.

You sound far too involved in this and the friend needs to get a grip and start ignoring the tantrums and giving praise and attention when her little girl behaves well.

TallulahdoesthehulainHawaii · 02/02/2011 17:53

Completely agree with all of the above, the little girl will only learn that she can't have everything she wants, (and therefore start to curb the tantrums) if she is not pandered to.

You can start not being an accomplice by supplying anything but what your DD needs/wants. I certainly wouldn't be ringing the other mother in advance!

BlueFergie · 02/02/2011 17:56

Verruca salt was thrown down a rubbish chute by geese in the (Gene Wilder) film and squirrels in the book.

Coldtits - PMSL. Brilliant I love it. I am going to try that with mine

Original poster

Nando95 · 02/02/2011 20:10

The mother does give in constantly I tried not to be too negative about her in this thread as I didnt want people slating me and thinking I was saying my parenting style was any better because I appreciate that people do things differently but I am made to feel guilty when I want to get my child a magazine or come out of the house with something that this child wants- the other day during heavy snow the mother brought out her scooter, umbrella and 2 dolls as the child demanded them as well as her own pushchair which she is never out of. The funny thing is I am totally the opposite with my child.

OP posts:

TallulahdoesthehulainHawaii · 02/02/2011 21:26

Your only choice really, is to man up and deal with it. Be strict and consistent!

Good luck.

notnowbernard · 02/02/2011 21:33

"To still be having hr long tantrums at 3, this girl is clearly being pandererd to and spoilt at home" (Pixiegirl)

1hr+ tantrums at 3 were the fucking norm in my house with dd2. Legendary, in fact

She was neither pandered to nor spoilt, I can assure you

prettymuchapixiegirl · 02/02/2011 22:19

Fair enough notnowbernard,but from what the OP has posted since I made that post, it's clear that the girl in question is most definitely spoilt and pandered to.

notnowbernard · 02/02/2011 22:20

Yes, it sounds it

But tantrumming at 3 is normal

pigletmania · 03/02/2011 00:15

Like others have said, you deal with your dd and your friend has to deal with hers. All this pandering is probably making her behaviour worse. Your friend needs to be strong and assertive to her dd and let her know the boundaries. Your friends dd is doing this as she knows she will get her own way. If my dd 3.11 did that she would get short shrift.

skybluepearl · 03/02/2011 06:02

concentrate on your own child i agree. let the mum do the lies. i tend to talk mine honestly through any situations - and they almost always understand. If they don't it's often due to exhaustion but i still don't lie.

skybluepearl · 03/02/2011 06:13

if child looks to you for snacks- just say sorry, i don't have a xxxx for you but i'm sure your mum has something you can have. You should really just get the magazine for your child if you want to - don't explain anything and be relaxed. ignore any paddies and maybe say to mother not to give in to daughters tantrum.

MsKLo · 03/02/2011 06:51

Stop stop stop this now!

Let her take care and deal with her child! She is turning her into a brat!

And she is so selfish and indifferent to your child! By giving so much attention to the other child you are in danger of neglecting your child so please stop - NOW!

mummytime · 03/02/2011 07:14

Don't do it!

My own two children used to fight over: who got the plate with a chip in it. I could not get two identical plates, the design is old, and I could never chip another in exactly the same way.

If this little girl is going to have a sibling then her tantrums need to be dealt with now.

Even if not, she will soon be going to school and it will do her no favours if she still expects to have everything that everyone else has.

gorionine · 03/02/2011 07:42

Veruca fell in the litter chute! Not a pretty sight!

OP I agreee with all other posters, do what is best for your daughter and let your friensd deal with her own daughter. if something goes wrong one day (after you pondered to everything) there is no doubt in my mind that you will be blamed for it. I would cut my losses really.

gorionine · 03/02/2011 07:43

@ pondered as it is not even typo!

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